Aptitude
I’m not doing so well. I’m not doing well at all and it’s strange to say so seeing as how things are looking up. Simplifying my life into two plans, one being attending a collage studying astronomy, and the other taking night classes at the university of Maine and boat building classes during the day balanced with getting a job to pay for an apartment. But even though that part of my life reduces the unpredictability stress, I’m burdened with another. Right now, since I know where later is going to be, I can finally live in the now. -Thing is, my now is so different from others’ and therefore my fun lies in things that my parents don’t permit and most of my friends discourage. Not sex I’m talking about here, because you and I both know how little I was that: How I want the protection and security of another. No, I’m talking about throwing back a few in the evening with a friend or two and stumbling around the apartment. I’m talking about walking the Old Port and the piers in a trench coat at 3 AM. I’m talking about standing on the edge of a building analyzing suicide, and not at all ever being serious about it. Restrictions that don’t let us test these freedoms force us to grow up later, and we never get the option of doing things right the first time. Our damned influenced give us no choice but to start out on the wrong foot: The foot of guaranteed error.
It’s all right for me to be a little arrogant now and then. I owe it to myself to recognize the troubles I’ve been through, the strength I’ve gained and how I still take the time to stop and help others like me. It’s also all right fro me to forgive everyone who treats me so badly, because they do so never knowing how deep they scratch, and they never understand lucky they are to know me. I admit that I’d never commit suicide because I’m too selfish, and I’ve been through too much to throw it all away now. Any pain I’d be trying to immediately relieve myself of, would I know stick with me for eternity. I’d spend a never-ending amount of time suffering with the problems that I’d never get to correct at that point, because I’d be all alone. Why would I want to condemn my self to that?
Now that I’ve decided exactly what I want to do after high school, I have this sense of freedom that you’ll understand when you get there. My description wouldn’t make any sense to you. What I’ve got on my hands is my true self, smiling back! I can live, as I want from day to day, freely within easy limitations that keep me from ending up in jail instead of in my own place. I can dress like a hippie or a peasant for an interview, instead of putting on an uncomfortable collard shirt or bra just to make a good impression to a potential boss. -A fake impression. I realize that there are sacrifices to be made in jobs and society, but I don’t have to go quite as far as I’ve been. I don’t have to make myself unrecognizable.
From now until I graduate, I have to choice of living as I please, as long as my actions direct me towards my goals. I can choose my friends because I love them, instead of for holding onto connections that I may or may not use later on. Corny as it sounds, being truer to myself makes those around me understand themselves a little more. Being happy when I’m happy and sad when I’m sad reduces that fake sheet of reality that we created to make every day a little easier. What we didn’t notice was that truth is more than a vocalized admittance. If you’re angry, be angry honestly, so that the problem will be clear enough to fix. Don’t hurt yourself by hiding why you feel like you feel, when someone else can see it and make it better.
I sound like someone’s grandmother, but I’m right. We may not like to admit it but we lie even to ourselves. My hippie side is no rebellion: It’s a physical way of getting to know my self, and letting others see that I’m not afraid of criticism, pain or embarrassment. If I wake up one morning and want to wear an alligator consume to I will, and I’ll do it as naturally as if I had put on a turtleneck and jeans. When I smile, it’ll be because I want to.
So may I AM doing better than I thought. Maybe I’m doing better than I ever have before.
It’s all right for me to be a little arrogant now and then. I owe it to myself to recognize the troubles I’ve been through, the strength I’ve gained and how I still take the time to stop and help others like me. It’s also all right fro me to forgive everyone who treats me so badly, because they do so never knowing how deep they scratch, and they never understand lucky they are to know me. I admit that I’d never commit suicide because I’m too selfish, and I’ve been through too much to throw it all away now. Any pain I’d be trying to immediately relieve myself of, would I know stick with me for eternity. I’d spend a never-ending amount of time suffering with the problems that I’d never get to correct at that point, because I’d be all alone. Why would I want to condemn my self to that?
Now that I’ve decided exactly what I want to do after high school, I have this sense of freedom that you’ll understand when you get there. My description wouldn’t make any sense to you. What I’ve got on my hands is my true self, smiling back! I can live, as I want from day to day, freely within easy limitations that keep me from ending up in jail instead of in my own place. I can dress like a hippie or a peasant for an interview, instead of putting on an uncomfortable collard shirt or bra just to make a good impression to a potential boss. -A fake impression. I realize that there are sacrifices to be made in jobs and society, but I don’t have to go quite as far as I’ve been. I don’t have to make myself unrecognizable.
From now until I graduate, I have to choice of living as I please, as long as my actions direct me towards my goals. I can choose my friends because I love them, instead of for holding onto connections that I may or may not use later on. Corny as it sounds, being truer to myself makes those around me understand themselves a little more. Being happy when I’m happy and sad when I’m sad reduces that fake sheet of reality that we created to make every day a little easier. What we didn’t notice was that truth is more than a vocalized admittance. If you’re angry, be angry honestly, so that the problem will be clear enough to fix. Don’t hurt yourself by hiding why you feel like you feel, when someone else can see it and make it better.
I sound like someone’s grandmother, but I’m right. We may not like to admit it but we lie even to ourselves. My hippie side is no rebellion: It’s a physical way of getting to know my self, and letting others see that I’m not afraid of criticism, pain or embarrassment. If I wake up one morning and want to wear an alligator consume to I will, and I’ll do it as naturally as if I had put on a turtleneck and jeans. When I smile, it’ll be because I want to.
So may I AM doing better than I thought. Maybe I’m doing better than I ever have before.