(no subject)
3 in the morning, April 1st
The nightmares are getting worse again. I can't hardly close my eyes without seeing masks and graveyards and snakes and things I don't want to think about. Why is it that seeing a prat like Lucius Malfoy can send me into fits when I've come so far? I'm frustrated with my own stupid mind... why can't I just get a good nights sleep? I suppose you can't go through the things that I've been through and not come away at least a little scarred, but dammit, I lived? Why can't that be good enough? Why am I so weak?
I need to pull it together... the bonding is soon, and I can't be looking like death returned for it. I have to admit though, I'm still really queasy about this. I still feel like Remus is betraying my Dad and Sirius, and I just don't know how I can get past that. How do I deal with a Marauder marrying THAT? I really want Remus to be happy... but I'm also sick of stuffing down my own reservations about everything just to make other people happy. I feel lately like I'm being lectured by everyone. Feel like I can't go three steps without having someone in my face about this or that. I'm doing the best I can, and I just don't get why everyone doesn't understand that! I can't just shift my entire beliefs at the drop of a hat or the snap of a finger. And I certainly can't change just because someone tells me I should. Seems like lately Hermione is the only one that even tries to understand, but I feel like I'm pulling away from her. Well, I likely am. I haven't wanted to spend the night in her room lately because of the nightmares. She likely thinks I've gone 'round the twist, especially after I turned her down last night when she offered to let me sleep in her room.
I just can't talk about it. I don't want to talk about it. I live with it enough in my own head...
The nightmares are getting worse again. I can't hardly close my eyes without seeing masks and graveyards and snakes and things I don't want to think about. Why is it that seeing a prat like Lucius Malfoy can send me into fits when I've come so far? I'm frustrated with my own stupid mind... why can't I just get a good nights sleep? I suppose you can't go through the things that I've been through and not come away at least a little scarred, but dammit, I lived? Why can't that be good enough? Why am I so weak?
I need to pull it together... the bonding is soon, and I can't be looking like death returned for it. I have to admit though, I'm still really queasy about this. I still feel like Remus is betraying my Dad and Sirius, and I just don't know how I can get past that. How do I deal with a Marauder marrying THAT? I really want Remus to be happy... but I'm also sick of stuffing down my own reservations about everything just to make other people happy. I feel lately like I'm being lectured by everyone. Feel like I can't go three steps without having someone in my face about this or that. I'm doing the best I can, and I just don't get why everyone doesn't understand that! I can't just shift my entire beliefs at the drop of a hat or the snap of a finger. And I certainly can't change just because someone tells me I should. Seems like lately Hermione is the only one that even tries to understand, but I feel like I'm pulling away from her. Well, I likely am. I haven't wanted to spend the night in her room lately because of the nightmares. She likely thinks I've gone 'round the twist, especially after I turned her down last night when she offered to let me sleep in her room.
I just can't talk about it. I don't want to talk about it. I live with it enough in my own head...