(no subject)
So I really don't know what to make of this whole end of the semester thing... It's really hard to believe that three years could fly by so fast. It's impossible to think of the fact that I'm going to be a senior next year and that one year from now I'm going to be getting ready to graduate... To be honest, it scares the shit out of me. The idea of not being in school anymore is daunting. And lets not even get into the fact that I'm most likely going to end up working at McDonalds for the rest of my life cause I want to work in a field that is impossible to get your foot in the door.
I had high hopes of being able to go to England this summer to study abroad and get to make a film but that idea has pretty much gone out the door. I still haven't been able to find out if the program is even happening. On top of that, I'm already broke as it is. By going to England not only am I going to be costing my father thousands of dollars for me to go but he is going to have to support me for the next year because I wouldn't be able to work this summer. So today I made the decision to say screw the trip. Now the search is on to try and actually get a job and see if I can find some last minute internship deal. I did applications for 2 different blockbusters today, one of which if I worked at I would probably spend a good chunk of the summer living at my sister's apartment. I also got a phone number from my acting teacher this semester, to try and hopefully get in with some production companies for the summer.... here's hoping this actually works...
And I really don't know what to do with my personal life. I know I need to make a decision and take care of it now but I just can't do it. It doesn't matter how many times a day I get told that I am better than all of this nonsense.... you can't help how you feel. And that almost makes me hate myself more. I end up turning to brain waves of me not being good enough, not being pretty enough, being too fat, and whatever other excuses my brain can come up with. I see people who can jump from one person to another so quickly and that makes it seem even more unfair... Why do I always have to like the people I can't have? I think its a curse...
Well if nothing else... 19 days till I'm 21... 2 weeks till Vegas and 2 weeks till I get to see the MK :-) At least I will truly needed by my nieces when I go to Vegas
I had high hopes of being able to go to England this summer to study abroad and get to make a film but that idea has pretty much gone out the door. I still haven't been able to find out if the program is even happening. On top of that, I'm already broke as it is. By going to England not only am I going to be costing my father thousands of dollars for me to go but he is going to have to support me for the next year because I wouldn't be able to work this summer. So today I made the decision to say screw the trip. Now the search is on to try and actually get a job and see if I can find some last minute internship deal. I did applications for 2 different blockbusters today, one of which if I worked at I would probably spend a good chunk of the summer living at my sister's apartment. I also got a phone number from my acting teacher this semester, to try and hopefully get in with some production companies for the summer.... here's hoping this actually works...
And I really don't know what to do with my personal life. I know I need to make a decision and take care of it now but I just can't do it. It doesn't matter how many times a day I get told that I am better than all of this nonsense.... you can't help how you feel. And that almost makes me hate myself more. I end up turning to brain waves of me not being good enough, not being pretty enough, being too fat, and whatever other excuses my brain can come up with. I see people who can jump from one person to another so quickly and that makes it seem even more unfair... Why do I always have to like the people I can't have? I think its a curse...
Well if nothing else... 19 days till I'm 21... 2 weeks till Vegas and 2 weeks till I get to see the MK :-) At least I will truly needed by my nieces when I go to Vegas