(no subject)
today i learned something very important about myself that i had never given much thought to.
the only 'taboo' i have left is the awkwardness of unresolved sexual tension. Thou Shalt Not Tip Thy Hand. it's the last real thrill i have to chase in the sexual arena. maybe i'm not alone. but it's never been something i was really aware of. i just always focused on something else; on the deficiencies of sexual satisfaction from my sex life.
now it all makes sense. it's not and never has been the sex i find satisfying or fulfilling. it's the stolen glances, the awkward silences in mixed company. the desperate passion of intrigue.
now that i think about it, i am definitely not alone.
but beyond that, i have very little to look forward to as far as these things go. at least every other drama addicted teenaged girl can enjoy the rest, even if it's not quite enough.
i just lose interest so fast after it's gone.
i was talking to jessi when i realized it, and i said to her "it's electricity, and it drives me. it might as well be this situation, because it doesn't matter who it is, the important part is this intensity. the upshot is this time i think i might be able to really draw it out this time."
she laughed, and i realized that perhaps the most fulfilling relationship i could have would involve someone it was not only a bad idea to become involved with, it was somehow impossible. and to sate our sexual desires we would fuck in the same room as each other; watching the sweat drip off each other's flanks, while our partners were oblivious to our motives.
i may revise that description. nah, i can't reword it better, so i'd just cut it off after the semicolon. it may not be elegant or even well written, but it gets the job done.
i am not afraid of being a hack. i reserve the right to fail to live up to your expectations.
the worst part of this, i believe, is the fact that despite all the obvious difficulties in this whole scenario, is that i am fairly sure it will never work. there is too much distance here, and i do not deal well with distance relationships. and this clearly would not be casual by any means. more casual at the onset of course, but this is a thing i would need to be near. to breathe its odors, and rub my fingertips across it to draw strength from it.
"you get off on being an asshole," jessi accused me.
"being an asshole is actually the deterrent; it's why i don't do this kind of shit constantly. but this is the final taboo, and so it's the only motivating sexual factor i have."
what a strange truth.
i was writing about this earlier in my notebook because it was digging in me, and i wrote this:"this is a thing i wanted. a thing i wanted so badly i tried to bury the impulse. to write my wish on the insides of my veins, where even i couldn't see it."
"I believe that everything has worth, and everything has cost. anything with a cost has a price, and anything with a price can be stolen. but theft is just another way of accruing cost, and the fact of the matter is, i cannot justify this cost; even by likening it to returning a lost wallet empty."
"this does not alleviate want. nor do the constant admonishions of everyone else of what i already know."
the major idea that is hardest to convey is the urgency of desire. for most people, desire is a common motivator. this doesn't happen for me much. not this primal yearn for anything.
most of the things i desire viscerally are intangibles, or not strictly objects. words, or ideas mostly. the force of having a physical thing be something i desire, and to have it be attainable? i have to fight every pragmatic impulse in me, simply because of the urgency. but i cannot give in immediately, because every logical level of thought on the subject shows a picture of a road ending in failure and pain.
when this all blows up in my face you are all free to say i told you so. alternately, when i am beating myself up for not going for it later, remind me that i did the right thing.
whichever way this whole thing goes.
the only 'taboo' i have left is the awkwardness of unresolved sexual tension. Thou Shalt Not Tip Thy Hand. it's the last real thrill i have to chase in the sexual arena. maybe i'm not alone. but it's never been something i was really aware of. i just always focused on something else; on the deficiencies of sexual satisfaction from my sex life.
now it all makes sense. it's not and never has been the sex i find satisfying or fulfilling. it's the stolen glances, the awkward silences in mixed company. the desperate passion of intrigue.
now that i think about it, i am definitely not alone.
but beyond that, i have very little to look forward to as far as these things go. at least every other drama addicted teenaged girl can enjoy the rest, even if it's not quite enough.
i just lose interest so fast after it's gone.
i was talking to jessi when i realized it, and i said to her "it's electricity, and it drives me. it might as well be this situation, because it doesn't matter who it is, the important part is this intensity. the upshot is this time i think i might be able to really draw it out this time."
she laughed, and i realized that perhaps the most fulfilling relationship i could have would involve someone it was not only a bad idea to become involved with, it was somehow impossible. and to sate our sexual desires we would fuck in the same room as each other; watching the sweat drip off each other's flanks, while our partners were oblivious to our motives.
i may revise that description. nah, i can't reword it better, so i'd just cut it off after the semicolon. it may not be elegant or even well written, but it gets the job done.
i am not afraid of being a hack. i reserve the right to fail to live up to your expectations.
the worst part of this, i believe, is the fact that despite all the obvious difficulties in this whole scenario, is that i am fairly sure it will never work. there is too much distance here, and i do not deal well with distance relationships. and this clearly would not be casual by any means. more casual at the onset of course, but this is a thing i would need to be near. to breathe its odors, and rub my fingertips across it to draw strength from it.
"you get off on being an asshole," jessi accused me.
"being an asshole is actually the deterrent; it's why i don't do this kind of shit constantly. but this is the final taboo, and so it's the only motivating sexual factor i have."
what a strange truth.
i was writing about this earlier in my notebook because it was digging in me, and i wrote this:"this is a thing i wanted. a thing i wanted so badly i tried to bury the impulse. to write my wish on the insides of my veins, where even i couldn't see it."
"I believe that everything has worth, and everything has cost. anything with a cost has a price, and anything with a price can be stolen. but theft is just another way of accruing cost, and the fact of the matter is, i cannot justify this cost; even by likening it to returning a lost wallet empty."
"this does not alleviate want. nor do the constant admonishions of everyone else of what i already know."
the major idea that is hardest to convey is the urgency of desire. for most people, desire is a common motivator. this doesn't happen for me much. not this primal yearn for anything.
most of the things i desire viscerally are intangibles, or not strictly objects. words, or ideas mostly. the force of having a physical thing be something i desire, and to have it be attainable? i have to fight every pragmatic impulse in me, simply because of the urgency. but i cannot give in immediately, because every logical level of thought on the subject shows a picture of a road ending in failure and pain.
when this all blows up in my face you are all free to say i told you so. alternately, when i am beating myself up for not going for it later, remind me that i did the right thing.
whichever way this whole thing goes.