"Intrigue at the Indy 500" Yep. It's a long-overdue JEM-snark!
So I was debating whether I wanted to continue with the snarks show-order as they appear on the DVD set, or if I wanted to do one that fit the Memorial Day holiday. Because guess what's going on today down in Indianapolis. THE 500.
CUE THE THEME SONG!
This episode starts out--predictably--with Pizzazz whining about wanting to go to some sort of party. It's way early in the morning, and the Misfits are sitting around, making and eating breakfast. Except for Pizzazz. She's a rich bitch, and therefore shouldn't have to muss her rich bitch fingers with any actual work. But Eric Raymond's too cheap to hire someone to make it for them. Speak of the devil, Eric walks in on them--clad in their bathrobes and not much else. Pizzazz throws egg on him and bitches some more about not going to the party. Eric points out that it's invitation-only, and nobody likes them well enough to send an invite. Probably because they've crashed and trashed too many other parties in the past.
Yet Eric is going to this party. Because he has "important negotiations" to deal with. He's going to try to weasel a way for the Misfits to play the Indy 500 victory celebration.
Later on, at the happenin' party that Pizzazz was just dying to go to...
Maybe it's just me, but I wouldn't feel too comfortable about dining in a restaurant that has race cars suspended over my head by cables. I keep telling myself, "You're in Indiana, what do you expect?"
Eric is meeting with his dealer (name unknown) and his dealer's bone-breaker named Vice. Who's pretty much putting Eric's hand in a vice-like grip. Turns out he's got a non-regulation engine in his man's car for the 500, so he's guaranteed to win some major bank. You bastard.
Ahh, Eric's one true love: MONEY. He calls Harry over and tells him to put it all on car #007. James Bond reference. Cheese-tastic. Vice stops him and tells him in his bone-head-sounding voice, "You won't go too far with that, will you?" Harry explains he'll be at the 500, heading up a hot dog concession stand. (Oh GOD, do I love this episode.)
But what about Martino Granzetti (I love how the writers for "Jem" always put their play on famous people's names. This dude was OBVIOUSLY Mario Andretti at first.), who's won the 500 for the last four years? Eric bribed Martino's sponsor to pull him out of the race. Sohis Martino guy.....Martino has no sponsor at the moment? Hmm. I wouldn't be too sure about that.
And as you're wondering, "Hmm...nearly three minutes in and no mention of Jem and the Holograms yet?" here comes the big announcement. Starlight Music has offered to be Martino's new sponsor! And you know what that means. Guess who's on hand to perform!!
BRB, dying. "I'm Coming From Behind." The jokes just write themselves. So much sexual innuendo in a children's cartoon! And Eric's expression here just begged to be screencapped:
My thoughts exactly, Eric.
The Misfits haven't done anything crazy to shake this episode up yet. And they're still dying to get into the party, now more than ever since Jem has graced us all with her glorious saint-like presence. And we all know how Pizzazz gets when Jem does something she wanted to do.
They figure they're at an auto club, right? So they'll just take a car and crash the party. Stormer's all, "Won't they ruin our car?" Oh-ho-ho, the Misfits aren't going to use their car...
Inside, Martino thanks Jem--AND Jerrica--for everything they've done to get him back into the race. And now comes the obligatory "By the way, where is Jerrica?" line we get every episode. Jem starts making up some dumb excuse when the Misfits crash the party--literally--in the freaking Rockin' Roadster.
Grand Theft Auto: MISFITS Edition! I'm just surprised there's enough room in this auto club/restaurant or whatever for the Misfits and Martino (since he jumps in a random cart to chase them down) to drive around like madmen in. Not realistic!
They crash into the kitchen, where they are promptly hauled out by the cooks (and Pizzazz calls one of then "Pizza brain")...
...and kicked out. Along with Eric, since they claim they were with him. Pizzazz is still pissed. Aw boo-hoo.
Inside, the party is ruined. Eric's dealers are starting to think he doesn't have the good after all, now that Martino's back in. THANKS A LOT, JEM. So that night, Vice breaks into Gasoline Alley and tampers with Martino's new race car.
The next day at the qualifying trials, Martino is racing his car. Jem and the Holograms are excited and cheering him on. Jem calls up at Rio (who's perched up on some scaffolding) to come down from where he's taking pictures. Rio says no, these pictures will be good press for Starlight Music. Because Rio's the unsung member of the Holograms who does all of their dirty work that women don't normally do. You know it, and I know it.
And just as Martino has set a new qualifying speed record...it happens. His car spins out of control and goes careening into the scaffolding where Rio has been taking pictures. Jem screams "RIO!" as we fade to a commercial break.
Dumbass, he should've just listened to Jem!
Back from commercial break, Jerrica goes to visit her beloved in the ICU unit.
Silly Jerrica. That's not Rio. That's Martino. So where's Rio? Next bed over, with his leg in traction. "It only hurts when I play football," he jokes. Oh, you.
Awww. I ship Rio and Jerrica so hard, you have no idea. They are my OTP. (And I love the incidental "I've Got My Eye On You" music in the background.) Remind him to be in a car crash every week. Maybe then, Jerrica will ease up on the Jem-shit around him.
Jerrica apologizes to Martino for having asked him to race in the first place. Martino tells her that accidents happen. But come ON. This is the "Jem" universe. Accidents don't "just happen"! The police say the car was tampered. Jerrica rages some about Eric Raymond being involved. Rio says, "That's not Eric's style." (Oh how would YOU know, Rio?) But the car's wrecked, and Martino's in no shape to race. Jerrica does some fanatical flinging around of her bouquet of roses for Rio before she realizes she doesn't know what to do and leaves. Oh, BTW, Rio, these are for you:
Back at Gasoline Alley, Jerrica and the rest of the Holograms are wincing at the wreck that was the Starlight Special. The Indy 500 is in three days, and Kimber comments that if it were possible to fix it, they'd never get it done in time. BUT WAIT! They have a friend who is an excellent mechanic! And you know Aja's grinning for her chance to shine because she's the one who knows most about cars and mechanics. And they could probably get Rio out of traction and down there to talk them through fixing the car up. But no! Who do the Holograms always rely on to get them out of any mess?
"It's auto-mechanic time, Synergy!" WRONG, JERRICA. YOU EVEN GOT YOUR CATCHPHRASE WRONG. FAIL. FULL OF FAIL.
Jerrica asks Synergy to bring up blueprints of how the Starlight Special looked before the accident. And Synergy just happens to do so. WOW. Synergy sure is an advanced super computer for 1987. Tony Stark, eat your heart out.
It's been about six minutes since the last music video, so now might be a good time for another one, don't you think?:
Oh. My. God. It's a Jem and the Holograms video, but I didn't see Jem anywhere in it. Jerrica was in it the whole time, but NO JEM. Somethin' ain't right here, I'm just sayin'...
It's Memorial Day morning, and Rio comes down in crutches to admire the girls' handiwork. He's impressed. GIRLS actually did this! But Martino's still in the hospital and Rio's leg is still in a cast. Who could possibly drive the car?
Why Jem, of course! Didn't you know? Jem can do anything you can do, and she can probably do it better! Because she's Jem, duh!
RACE TIME. Eric and the Misfits are all sitting together. Pizzazz gawks at the empty spot by Eric's car, which was where Starlight Music's car was supposed to me. *snicker snicker*
But wait! What does Pizzazz see?
The Starlight Special is back in the race! And JEM'S driving it! .....Can she do that? I mean, just jump in and race without qualifying in the time trials? No, I think they're more shocked that she's racing because she's a GIRL.
The race starts, and Jem and Car 007 are in the lead. Automatically, Eric runs to....ahem, "go get some refreshments." Pizzazz barks at him to bring her a hot dog. "And don't forget the mustard!"
Eric's bookie, Harry, is macking on some underage chick and letting her have a free hot dog when Eric runs up, wanting to change his bet. That's fine with Harry; he gets a commission for every bet! BRING IT ON!!
That's one expensive-ass hot dog. It better be the best hot dog you've ever eaten.
Eric comes back, cheerful as hell. Pizzazz bitches, "What are you so happy about? Jem's in the lead!" Bitch, we want Jem to win because then Eric gets a shitload of money! EVERYONE WINS!
Except for Pizzazz, who didn't get her hot dog. Bitch, bitch, bitch, throw shit at Eric. And Jem's still in the race. RAGE RAGE RAGE. So what does she do? She gets out of her seat and marches down to the track. (And notice the women sitting behind Eric and Pizzazz have no legs. BLOOPER AHOY!) While Jem and Car 007 are pulled over for their first pit stop, Pizzazz promptly pulls the driver of Car 007 out and decides if anyone's going to beat Jem, she will. No, really. She LIFTS a MALE driver out of the car. Pizzazz is a strong-ass bitch whom I wouldn't want to cross!
CRAZY WOMEN DRIVERS!
Pizzazz is NOT playing nice, either. Other cars are wiping out on the track in her wake. Jem just now catches wind that Pizzazz is in the driver's seat of Car 007 and nearly shits her pants. Looks what Pizzazz has managed to do in three minutes on the track:
Eric's shitting his pants, too. Because this means he'll have to get another hot dog put in another bet. His "business associates" give him the stink eye and crack their knuckles.
After the track has been cleared, the green light goes back on. And Pizzazz tries running Jem off the track now, too. Jem goes careening into a random car on the track. OH NOES!
COMMERCIAL BREAK!
Miraculously, Jem survives, but the car's taken a beating. And it seriously looks like Pizzazz might win! Eric freaks, and runs to go change his bet. Jem pulls into the pit to get it salvaged, and jumps into Rio's arms. Pizzazz is gaining the lead, and Jem practically yells at the rest of the Holograms, "What are you standing around for?! The race isn't over yet!" Kimber's all, "It isn't?" HERP DE HERP DE DERP DERP DERP.
WOW, that's an artsy video for the Misfits.
Jem decides she's going to try to win the race anyway, despite Rio telling her it's not safe (and the fact that she's a lap behind). Pizzazz tries running Jem off the track again, so now Jem decides to break out the big guns: USE SYNERGY AS A DISTRACTION WHEN NECESSARY.
HOLY SHIT, PIZZAZZ IS TRIPPIN' BALLS!
The Pizzazz-hologram asks her, "Don't you think it's time you started playing fair?" Pizzazz is all, "Who the heck are you?!" The hologram replies, "Your conscience." Pizzazz is all, "IMPOSSIBLE! I ain't got one!" and shoos the hologram away. Meanwhile, I'm sitting in my chair watching this and laughing my ass off over the conscience shit. (Shouldn't Jerrica's nose be a mile long at this point?) Frankly, I want to know how this is possible, because it's always bothered me that Jem is wearing a driver's helmet and is able to project a hologram THROUGH THE HELMET. *sigh* Oh well. I guess as kids, we're not supposed to question these things.
I don't really see how this helps Jem out any, but she accelerates and catches up with Pizzazz anyway. And because Jem's catching up, Eric runs back up the the hot dog stand to change his bet. But instead of a receipt...he actually gets a hot dog this time.
WAH WAH WAH WAAAAAAH
Jem is just catching up with Pizzazz and is, like, five seconds behind, when SOMETHING goes wrong with one of her tires. Jem is pretty much, "Screw it, this is for you, Martino!" and SPEEDS it up. The wheel breaks off of the axle, the car does a total 180 swerve, and she manages to win the whole damn thing! BY A TAIL!
The the car flips over itself, and people are rushing to get Jem out of the damn car before this happens:
GOD, this episode is exciting.
Over in Car 007's garage, Eric's "business associates" are confronting him. "Eric," he says in this very sinister-sounding mobster-esque voice, "you got sloppy." But then Pizzazz drives her car in and gives Eric a mouthful. Eric's "business associate" and Vice leave, because Pizzazz pretty much has this taken care of. *snicker* And all because Pizzazz didn't get her effing hot dog.
Meanwhile, Jem's accepting her trophy for being the first rock star to win the Indy 500.
She accepts it on Martino's behalf, and vows that next year, he will be able to race.
"You got it, dude."
And of course, Rio gets a kiss from the winner.
Yeah, your girlfriend came to be there for you in the hospital, but here you are, macking on Jem again. As always. You stay klassy, Rio. What's worse is that Jerrica as Jem doesn't do shit to discourage him, either. Who's the worse one here, really?
I might have another one up by next week. We'll see. Stay outrageous, yo!
And here's some blue-orange contrast for you people who follow ONTD:
BTW, did anyone else notice that Jerrica never once said "Showtime Synergy" in this episode?! Just that "auto-mechanic" crap! WTF?!
CUE THE THEME SONG!
Click to viewThis episode starts out--predictably--with Pizzazz whining about wanting to go to some sort of party. It's way early in the morning, and the Misfits are sitting around, making and eating breakfast. Except for Pizzazz. She's a rich bitch, and therefore shouldn't have to muss her rich bitch fingers with any actual work. But Eric Raymond's too cheap to hire someone to make it for them. Speak of the devil, Eric walks in on them--clad in their bathrobes and not much else. Pizzazz throws egg on him and bitches some more about not going to the party. Eric points out that it's invitation-only, and nobody likes them well enough to send an invite. Probably because they've crashed and trashed too many other parties in the past.
Yet Eric is going to this party. Because he has "important negotiations" to deal with. He's going to try to weasel a way for the Misfits to play the Indy 500 victory celebration.
Later on, at the happenin' party that Pizzazz was just dying to go to...
Maybe it's just me, but I wouldn't feel too comfortable about dining in a restaurant that has race cars suspended over my head by cables. I keep telling myself, "You're in Indiana, what do you expect?"
Eric is meeting with his dealer (name unknown) and his dealer's bone-breaker named Vice. Who's pretty much putting Eric's hand in a vice-like grip. Turns out he's got a non-regulation engine in his man's car for the 500, so he's guaranteed to win some major bank. You bastard.
Ahh, Eric's one true love: MONEY. He calls Harry over and tells him to put it all on car #007. James Bond reference. Cheese-tastic. Vice stops him and tells him in his bone-head-sounding voice, "You won't go too far with that, will you?" Harry explains he'll be at the 500, heading up a hot dog concession stand. (Oh GOD, do I love this episode.)
But what about Martino Granzetti (I love how the writers for "Jem" always put their play on famous people's names. This dude was OBVIOUSLY Mario Andretti at first.), who's won the 500 for the last four years? Eric bribed Martino's sponsor to pull him out of the race. Sohis Martino guy.....Martino has no sponsor at the moment? Hmm. I wouldn't be too sure about that.
And as you're wondering, "Hmm...nearly three minutes in and no mention of Jem and the Holograms yet?" here comes the big announcement. Starlight Music has offered to be Martino's new sponsor! And you know what that means. Guess who's on hand to perform!!
BRB, dying. "I'm Coming From Behind." The jokes just write themselves. So much sexual innuendo in a children's cartoon! And Eric's expression here just begged to be screencapped:
My thoughts exactly, Eric.
The Misfits haven't done anything crazy to shake this episode up yet. And they're still dying to get into the party, now more than ever since Jem has graced us all with her glorious saint-like presence. And we all know how Pizzazz gets when Jem does something she wanted to do.
They figure they're at an auto club, right? So they'll just take a car and crash the party. Stormer's all, "Won't they ruin our car?" Oh-ho-ho, the Misfits aren't going to use their car...
Inside, Martino thanks Jem--AND Jerrica--for everything they've done to get him back into the race. And now comes the obligatory "By the way, where is Jerrica?" line we get every episode. Jem starts making up some dumb excuse when the Misfits crash the party--literally--in the freaking Rockin' Roadster.
Grand Theft Auto: MISFITS Edition! I'm just surprised there's enough room in this auto club/restaurant or whatever for the Misfits and Martino (since he jumps in a random cart to chase them down) to drive around like madmen in. Not realistic!
They crash into the kitchen, where they are promptly hauled out by the cooks (and Pizzazz calls one of then "Pizza brain")...
...and kicked out. Along with Eric, since they claim they were with him. Pizzazz is still pissed. Aw boo-hoo.
Inside, the party is ruined. Eric's dealers are starting to think he doesn't have the good after all, now that Martino's back in. THANKS A LOT, JEM. So that night, Vice breaks into Gasoline Alley and tampers with Martino's new race car.
The next day at the qualifying trials, Martino is racing his car. Jem and the Holograms are excited and cheering him on. Jem calls up at Rio (who's perched up on some scaffolding) to come down from where he's taking pictures. Rio says no, these pictures will be good press for Starlight Music. Because Rio's the unsung member of the Holograms who does all of their dirty work that women don't normally do. You know it, and I know it.
And just as Martino has set a new qualifying speed record...it happens. His car spins out of control and goes careening into the scaffolding where Rio has been taking pictures. Jem screams "RIO!" as we fade to a commercial break.
Dumbass, he should've just listened to Jem!
Back from commercial break, Jerrica goes to visit her beloved in the ICU unit.
Silly Jerrica. That's not Rio. That's Martino. So where's Rio? Next bed over, with his leg in traction. "It only hurts when I play football," he jokes. Oh, you.
Awww. I ship Rio and Jerrica so hard, you have no idea. They are my OTP. (And I love the incidental "I've Got My Eye On You" music in the background.) Remind him to be in a car crash every week. Maybe then, Jerrica will ease up on the Jem-shit around him.
Jerrica apologizes to Martino for having asked him to race in the first place. Martino tells her that accidents happen. But come ON. This is the "Jem" universe. Accidents don't "just happen"! The police say the car was tampered. Jerrica rages some about Eric Raymond being involved. Rio says, "That's not Eric's style." (Oh how would YOU know, Rio?) But the car's wrecked, and Martino's in no shape to race. Jerrica does some fanatical flinging around of her bouquet of roses for Rio before she realizes she doesn't know what to do and leaves. Oh, BTW, Rio, these are for you:
Back at Gasoline Alley, Jerrica and the rest of the Holograms are wincing at the wreck that was the Starlight Special. The Indy 500 is in three days, and Kimber comments that if it were possible to fix it, they'd never get it done in time. BUT WAIT! They have a friend who is an excellent mechanic! And you know Aja's grinning for her chance to shine because she's the one who knows most about cars and mechanics. And they could probably get Rio out of traction and down there to talk them through fixing the car up. But no! Who do the Holograms always rely on to get them out of any mess?
"It's auto-mechanic time, Synergy!" WRONG, JERRICA. YOU EVEN GOT YOUR CATCHPHRASE WRONG. FAIL. FULL OF FAIL.
Jerrica asks Synergy to bring up blueprints of how the Starlight Special looked before the accident. And Synergy just happens to do so. WOW. Synergy sure is an advanced super computer for 1987. Tony Stark, eat your heart out.
It's been about six minutes since the last music video, so now might be a good time for another one, don't you think?:
Oh. My. God. It's a Jem and the Holograms video, but I didn't see Jem anywhere in it. Jerrica was in it the whole time, but NO JEM. Somethin' ain't right here, I'm just sayin'...
It's Memorial Day morning, and Rio comes down in crutches to admire the girls' handiwork. He's impressed. GIRLS actually did this! But Martino's still in the hospital and Rio's leg is still in a cast. Who could possibly drive the car?
Why Jem, of course! Didn't you know? Jem can do anything you can do, and she can probably do it better! Because she's Jem, duh!
RACE TIME. Eric and the Misfits are all sitting together. Pizzazz gawks at the empty spot by Eric's car, which was where Starlight Music's car was supposed to me. *snicker snicker*
But wait! What does Pizzazz see?
The Starlight Special is back in the race! And JEM'S driving it! .....Can she do that? I mean, just jump in and race without qualifying in the time trials? No, I think they're more shocked that she's racing because she's a GIRL.
The race starts, and Jem and Car 007 are in the lead. Automatically, Eric runs to....ahem, "go get some refreshments." Pizzazz barks at him to bring her a hot dog. "And don't forget the mustard!"
Eric's bookie, Harry, is macking on some underage chick and letting her have a free hot dog when Eric runs up, wanting to change his bet. That's fine with Harry; he gets a commission for every bet! BRING IT ON!!
That's one expensive-ass hot dog. It better be the best hot dog you've ever eaten.
Eric comes back, cheerful as hell. Pizzazz bitches, "What are you so happy about? Jem's in the lead!" Bitch, we want Jem to win because then Eric gets a shitload of money! EVERYONE WINS!
Except for Pizzazz, who didn't get her hot dog. Bitch, bitch, bitch, throw shit at Eric. And Jem's still in the race. RAGE RAGE RAGE. So what does she do? She gets out of her seat and marches down to the track. (And notice the women sitting behind Eric and Pizzazz have no legs. BLOOPER AHOY!) While Jem and Car 007 are pulled over for their first pit stop, Pizzazz promptly pulls the driver of Car 007 out and decides if anyone's going to beat Jem, she will. No, really. She LIFTS a MALE driver out of the car. Pizzazz is a strong-ass bitch whom I wouldn't want to cross!
CRAZY WOMEN DRIVERS!
Pizzazz is NOT playing nice, either. Other cars are wiping out on the track in her wake. Jem just now catches wind that Pizzazz is in the driver's seat of Car 007 and nearly shits her pants. Looks what Pizzazz has managed to do in three minutes on the track:
Eric's shitting his pants, too. Because this means he'll have to get another hot dog put in another bet. His "business associates" give him the stink eye and crack their knuckles.
After the track has been cleared, the green light goes back on. And Pizzazz tries running Jem off the track now, too. Jem goes careening into a random car on the track. OH NOES!
COMMERCIAL BREAK!
Miraculously, Jem survives, but the car's taken a beating. And it seriously looks like Pizzazz might win! Eric freaks, and runs to go change his bet. Jem pulls into the pit to get it salvaged, and jumps into Rio's arms. Pizzazz is gaining the lead, and Jem practically yells at the rest of the Holograms, "What are you standing around for?! The race isn't over yet!" Kimber's all, "It isn't?" HERP DE HERP DE DERP DERP DERP.
WOW, that's an artsy video for the Misfits.
Jem decides she's going to try to win the race anyway, despite Rio telling her it's not safe (and the fact that she's a lap behind). Pizzazz tries running Jem off the track again, so now Jem decides to break out the big guns: USE SYNERGY AS A DISTRACTION WHEN NECESSARY.
HOLY SHIT, PIZZAZZ IS TRIPPIN' BALLS!
The Pizzazz-hologram asks her, "Don't you think it's time you started playing fair?" Pizzazz is all, "Who the heck are you?!" The hologram replies, "Your conscience." Pizzazz is all, "IMPOSSIBLE! I ain't got one!" and shoos the hologram away. Meanwhile, I'm sitting in my chair watching this and laughing my ass off over the conscience shit. (Shouldn't Jerrica's nose be a mile long at this point?) Frankly, I want to know how this is possible, because it's always bothered me that Jem is wearing a driver's helmet and is able to project a hologram THROUGH THE HELMET. *sigh* Oh well. I guess as kids, we're not supposed to question these things.
I don't really see how this helps Jem out any, but she accelerates and catches up with Pizzazz anyway. And because Jem's catching up, Eric runs back up the the hot dog stand to change his bet. But instead of a receipt...he actually gets a hot dog this time.
WAH WAH WAH WAAAAAAH
Jem is just catching up with Pizzazz and is, like, five seconds behind, when SOMETHING goes wrong with one of her tires. Jem is pretty much, "Screw it, this is for you, Martino!" and SPEEDS it up. The wheel breaks off of the axle, the car does a total 180 swerve, and she manages to win the whole damn thing! BY A TAIL!
The the car flips over itself, and people are rushing to get Jem out of the damn car before this happens:
GOD, this episode is exciting.
Over in Car 007's garage, Eric's "business associates" are confronting him. "Eric," he says in this very sinister-sounding mobster-esque voice, "you got sloppy." But then Pizzazz drives her car in and gives Eric a mouthful. Eric's "business associate" and Vice leave, because Pizzazz pretty much has this taken care of. *snicker* And all because Pizzazz didn't get her effing hot dog.
Meanwhile, Jem's accepting her trophy for being the first rock star to win the Indy 500.
She accepts it on Martino's behalf, and vows that next year, he will be able to race.
"You got it, dude."
And of course, Rio gets a kiss from the winner.
Yeah, your girlfriend came to be there for you in the hospital, but here you are, macking on Jem again. As always. You stay klassy, Rio. What's worse is that Jerrica as Jem doesn't do shit to discourage him, either. Who's the worse one here, really?
I might have another one up by next week. We'll see. Stay outrageous, yo!
And here's some blue-orange contrast for you people who follow ONTD:
BTW, did anyone else notice that Jerrica never once said "Showtime Synergy" in this episode?! Just that "auto-mechanic" crap! WTF?!