Quiet, everyone! "Jem" is on! (Episode 5: The Battle of the Bands)
Oh yeah, I'm on a roll now!!
Last time on "Jem," Rio saved Jem from what could've been a horrendous electrical equipment mishap. They almost got it on, but the Holograms barged in just in time. Back at the makeshift home at the "Starlight Mansion," Mrs. Bailey and Jerrica got concerned about Ashley turning into a pseudo-hoodlum, but don't do too much about it. Ashley bit the hand that feeds her and started wearing Misfits t-shirts anyway. Jerrica signed a deal for J&tH to perform in Las Vegas with the Misfits as their opening act. The whole band annoyed by this set-up, as are the Misfits. The Misfits concocted a plot so Jem and the Holograms wouldn't be the headlining act, and conned Ashley into going to Vegas with them. In Vegas, Jem got mopey about the whole situation with Rio and hem-hawed some more about telling him that she's really his girlfriend in disguise. Later on, Aja spotted Ashley in Vegas, was all, "WTF?!" and chased her outside where the Misfits managed to get her trapped in a tour bus luggage compartment. With one band member out of the way, the Misfits thought they had ruined things for J&tH, but Aja managed to get out of the luggage compartment and back to the casino in time to perform. The Misfits had a fit and walked out of being the opening act. Later on, Eric's hired thugs robbed the casino of the show's profits. The Misfits (as instructed by Eric) pointed the finger at Jem, and she was dragged into custody. Pizzazz also pointed a finger at Rio because she put the moves on him and he was all, "Uck!" Ashley and Stormer (draped in purple curtains)--who witnessed the REAL thieves--later talked to the detectives and convinced them to let Jem free. Later on, the Misfits ruined a fashion show that J&tH appeared in. Eric hired a private detective to do some snooping around about Jem's real identity. The private dick followed J&tH to the drive-in where Synergy's been stored. He managed to get in through the holographic wall that's been set up to conceal where Synergy is. Alerts were going off, the detective took some pics of Synergy with his crappy Goldstar camera, and started smashing the super-duper advanced computer system to pieces.
Oh, and Jerrica never told Rio that she's really Jem.
Which is where we left off. Cue the theme song! "Jem is truly outrageous! Truly truly truly outrageous!"
Synergy alerts Jerrica via the Jemstar earrings that there is an intruder. So Aja does a u-turn in the Roadster and they head back to the abandoned drive-in. At 1:28 she's still Jerrica. But at 1:36, Aja isn't driving, and Jerrica is Jem. Oh, sailor girls, I think you know what I want you to do:
If you don't get the joke, re-read the last four recaps.
That Malone sneaks away in his crappy green sedan and drives past a blue station wagon with some old ladies in it. PSYCH! It's just Jerrica and the rest of the gang in disguise. Was there even really a point to them using a hologram here? Anyway, Malone goes to the Bureau of Records to dig up who owns the Starlight Drive-In. After getting the records, the "little old ladies" follow Malone back to Starlight Music. Jerrica and the rest of the girls put two and two together and figure out that the intruder was hired by that sneaky rat-bastard Eric Raymond.
So. Guess who the owner of the Starlight Drive-In was? I know you're just dying to know, right?! Emmett Benton himself. Malone hands Eric the pictures that he took of Synergy, which took awfully quick to develop, actually. I know you're all going to say, "One hour photo, duh." But remember--this was 1985. It's not like you could walk into a Walgreens, get a disposable Kodak camera, use it all up and drop it off to be developed likethat like you can today in 2009. Malone tells Eric....
"If you ask me, Jerrica Benton and this Jem-dame are the same person."
OMG NO WAY! You think?! Do bears shit in the woods? Is the sky blue? Is David Ogden Stiers gay?
Eric says, "That's impossible. I've seen them together." And you know, Jerrica has him fooled there. But that doesn't explain the pictures of Synergy. And once I think about it, you know what Synergy kinda sorta reminds me of?
"Industry, science and technology! Big men putting screwdrivers into things! Turning them! And adjusting them! Build your own atom storage box! Bringing you state-of-the-art in soft-serve technology! Snaffles caps off any size jug, bottle or jar. And it really really works."
Anyway, it freaked Malone out. It TALKED to him. *oOoOoOoOoOo* Eric says, "Whatever this gizmo is...." And Malone says, "It's got something to do with the machine in that picture." *rolls eyes* These two are talking about the SAME THING. Whatever it is, Eric wants it. And really, this isn't good. He's got a picture of Synergy now, and he can use this against Jerrica someday. I'm sure of it. Well, it's too late for Eric to have Synergy, because Malone kinda busted it up.
OH YEAH! That's right! Jerrica and the rest of the girls are up shit creek, right?! RIGHT?! How on Earth will Jerrica ever go on to perform as Jem now?! Ya think maybe we can just slap a pink wig and an obscene amount of makeup on Jerrica and she can pull it off?
2:54 Wow. It sure didn't take long for Jerrica and the rest of them to rent a moving van to haul Synergy out, only to walk in and see Synergy smashed up to bits. You'd think they would've rushed in to check in on Synergy BEFORE renting the truck as soon as they busted Malone. They walk in and see Synergy just ruined. And really, if Synergy is ruined and we SAW Malone take a chair to....it? I feel weird calling Synergy "her" because technically, "it" is a computer console. Ever seen that deleted scene from Terminator 2 when they take the CPU chip out to reset the Terminator's learning switch so it can learn stuff on its own, and Sarah's ready to smash the chip anyway, and John stops her and says "DON'T KILL HIM!" and Sarah says, "'It,' John. 'It.'" And John's all, "Okay, but we need 'it.'"? (If you don't know what I'm talking about, go rent Terminator 2 and see for yourself. James Cameron really should've left that scene in.)
Anyhoo, I went on a tangent there. Jerrica's all, "Synergy! What happened?!" And Synergy chuckles and says, "Don't worry Jerrica! I had to do something while the intruder was here!" And POOF! Synergy is back to normal!
I'm astounded that I actually BOUGHT this when I was a kid. But we saw Malone physically take a chair to Synergy and smash the console with it! And you mean to tell me that it was all a hologram?! So what the hell was Malone beating the shit out of?! Thin air?! This scene makes NO sense at all!
So the excuse whenever we see ANYTHING out of the ordinary on "Jem": "It's just a hologram.": Keep telling yourself that.
Whatever. The girls need to get Synergy out of the drive-in so Eric can keep his hands off of it, and Jerrica can keep her double-life as Jem top secret.
3:22 I find it very hard to believe that Jerrica and the rest of them just automatically know how to take Synergy apart without using any sort of instructions. With Synergy unplugged and not telling them what to do. And I also find it very hard that four young women who look pretty skinny can lug that HUGE console onto a moving truck as quickly as they do before Eric and Zipper show up. Ya know.....they could've gotten a certain strong purple-haired man to help them with this....
And ya know, that could've been the perfect opportunity for Jerrica to 'fess up about being Jem! I could see the scene now:
*phone rings*
Rio: Hello?
Jerrica: Hi, hon. It's me. Uhm....you busy right now?
Rio: No. Booty call?
Jerrica: No. Uhm....can you meet me and Kimber and Aja and Shana here at the abandoned drive-in?
Rio: Woah, kinky!
Jerrica: Get your mind out of the gutter, Rio! We need you to help move some...heavy computer equipment.
Rio: But it's 1985. How can you afford heavy computer equipment? Eric Raymond cut you off from half of your inheritance.
Jerrica: Okay. Long story short. I inherited this super computer that Daddy made that can project holographic images.
Rio: Mmm-hmmm.
Jerrica: And..........uhm...........I've been using it to be Jem.
Rio: .....Excuse me? What was that last part?
Jerrica. *sighs* I'M REALLY JEM, YOU BIG DOPE.
Rio: ...............................
Jerrica: Rio? Say something. Please.
Rio: ......Shit. That ruins my plans for a three-way.
Jerrica: EX-CUSE ME?!
Rio: Nothing, nothing. But....uhm....wow. That's cool. I didn't know you got into that kind of thing! Can you be Jem for me in bed?
Jerrica: Rio....just shut up and get here now so we can move this thing.
Rio: ......Promise me that we do it with you as Jem at least?
Jerrica: *sighs* YES.
Rio: I'll be right over!
3:47 This TV show is action packed! Smashing through gates! Jerrica and the rest of the girls take off with Synergy in the moving van. Eric, Zipper and the chubby thug arrive to find the place looking like crap and nothing in there. Eric is seething with anger and vows that this is the LAST time they make a fool of him. (*ha!*)
At the Starlight Mansion, the girls push and shove Synergy back together, and they fiddle with tools and try to remember how they took it apart. And then they plug it back in and cross their fingers that they didn't screw anything up. And Synergy bursts a big light at Jerrica and kills her!!!
Yeah, right. There's no killing on children programming. Synergy works. OUTRAGEOUS! And there's a music video. And the Synergy imagery in this video is pretty darn cool, actually.
Next scene is one of the Misfits bitching to Eric that he has to do SOMETHING because the Battle of the Bands is TONIGHT. They just want to start shit and make sure that they get Jem into some major trouble. Then Ashley knocks on the door and enters Eric's office. Pizzazz and Roxy get belligerent with Ashley for turning on them in Las Vegas. It seems that Ashley has seen the light, that the Misfits are nothing but trouble and aren't real friends (save for Stormer), and gives Pizzazz the $30 back. (Shouldn't she be giving it to Stormer?) Eric finds out that she's a Starlight orphan, and figures he can use Ashley to his advantage. NOT GOOD.
At the Starlight Mansion, the girls are getting ready for the concert. 6:50...Shana's wearing a white mini-dress, but in her mirror reflection she's got on a longer pink dress. (OH WAIT, IT'S JUST A HOLOGRAM.) And why the hell is Jerrica even worried about what the hell she's wearing? She's just going to fiddle with her earrings and transform into Jem anyway. And someone tell me WHY the hell that old-timey-looking antique phone BEEPS when it rings instead of an actual PHONE RING? It's Ashley, begging Jerrica to help her. Then Eric takes the phone and tells Jerrica to meet up with him at the Starlight Drive-In in thirty minutes. "And not a word to anyone else. Or Ashley pays the price."
O_O He's not going to molest her, is he?
They realize this is blackmail AND a plot to keep them away from the concert, but what are they going to do? They decide that Ashley's safety is more important than winning the show (and keeping this fancy schmancy house), so they're all going to go get her back. Then there's a knock on the door. Rio's all psyched up for the show, and he enters and sees how NOT psyched up the rest of them are (and is probably wondering "Where's Jem?" expecting to see her naked) and says, "What's going on here?" (This will be Rio's unofficial catchphrase for the entire series.) Jerrica tells him that they need a little more time, and Rio's all, "Ah, I know you too well." (Oh, you think so?) "Something's going on." So she tells him to trust her, and he's all, "Well, okay....but if you need me...." and walks off. As soon as Jerrica closes the door, Shana mentions that they could probably use Rio's help. Because Shana is the voice of reason and logic in the group, really. But does anyone ever really listen to her? No. She's just the drummer. Jerrica reminds Shana that Eric told them not to bring anyone. Jerrica, you ditz. You're really going to listen to Eric? She transforms into Jem, and they all leave to go get Ashley.
At the "Music Bowl," the fans are lining up to get their seats, and newscasters are covering the event. "Modern music will NEVER be the same!"
Backstage, we see images of garbage trucks compacting garbage. In one of the scenery rooms, Pizzazz is griping, "Whaddya mean we gotta take care of her?" Eric doesn't want to muss his hands with this ragamuffin waif; he's got an appointment to keep. So he shoves Ashley off on the Misfits. Pizzazz doesn't want to be bothered by her, either, so she decides that they'll just put her in a trunk. Ashley squirms out of Pizzazz's and Roxy's clenches, and tries her best to run away from Pizzazz and Roxy.
Pizzazz and Roxy catch her and throw her in the trunk anyway. Stormer looks appalled. (QUIT THIS BAND NOW WHILE YOU CAN! SAVE YOURSELF!) She tries to bust Ashley out, then Pizzazz and Roxy walk in on her and are all, "Aw, told ya she'd gone soft." They tell Stormer that "winning is everything that counts" and she's either with them or against them. And Stormer makes the WORST peer-pressure-based decision and just leaves Ashley. UGH.
With that brat out of the way, Pizzazz decides to try her luck with Rio again. And it still doesn't work. So they're like, "Bah, whatever. Jem chickened out!" Then the take the stage and perform. I don't care for the video for "Taking It All" much, but it's a pretty cool song. Basically, the Misfits are greedy bitches who don't like to compromise or play nice at all, and HAVE TO WIN AT ALL COSTS. And I think it's funny because Pizzazz was raised as a spoiled rich girl, and alllll of the money and wealth and riches will still never really be able to buy her true happiness. Poor woman. (And it's disgusting how the dreamboat football player in the video is Rio, and is all over Pizzazz. IN HER DREAMS.)
Meanwhile, at the drive-in, Jem and the Holograms show up to make a deal with Eric. He doesn't have Ashley, of course.
Kimber: "Talk about walking into a lion's den."
Jem: "We're going to pull that lion's teeth." (You go, girl.)
They walk in, and Eric's in there with a bunch of thugs. (They should've just brought RIO with them...) Jem wants to know where Ashley is, and Eric says she'll get Ashley back....after the contest. Then the thugs are about to sexually assault them, so they all make a run for it. Jem elbows Eric in the chest (you know, as payback for Pizzazz elbowing Rio...) and then jumps in the Roadster to try to escape (WHAT ABOUT SHANA AND AJA AND KIMBER?!). Zipper gets on his motorcycle, and I expect him to botch things up, like he always does. Jem's doing her best to outrun Zipper in that Roadster, but Zipper uses a dirt mound to do a wheelie and soar over the fence to catch up with her and block her off. She's surrounded. So she gets out and tries to run away in HEELS. Zipper chases after her on his motorcycle and catches her. She calls him "slime" and tries to get loose, but instead, she takes one of her earrings off and throws it on the ground as Synergy is calling out for her, trying to figure out what's going on.
REMEMBER THAT. Jem only has one earring on. Presumably the one keeping up the Jem-hologram. When they come back from commercial break, the door of the building is closed/boarded up. REMEMBER THAT. Eric is laying it out for them. When they don't show up for the Battle of the Bands, the Misfits will win by default and Eric will have Starlight Music all for himself.
Back at the "Music Bowl," the Misfits are basking in fame as they wrap up their performance. Howard Sands explains the meter that will measure the applause and cheers for the bands. Eric (wow, HE got there rather quickly!) gets the audience whooped up for the Misfits, and their applause and cheers are measured. Backstage, Eric's rubbing it in Rio's and the Countess du Voison's faces that Jem and the Holograms haven't shown up yet. Rio's about ready to tear Eric apart, but Howard stops him. (Rio could get slapped with assault charges, after all...)
Back at the drive-in, Zipper tells one of the thugs to keep watch on the door and to not let them out no matter what.
*chuckles*
Back at the arena/"Music Bowl" or whatever, backstage a truck is coming through hauling a trunk with a screaming girl in it. Rio recognizes Ashley's obnoxious teenage voice, and does the hero-thing. He grabs the trunk and hauls it on his back and gets Ashley to safety before the trunk is smashed. *sigh* Could I love him more? Ashley tells him where Jem and the Holograms are, but Howard reminds him that if they're not on stage in 15 minutes, the Misfits will win by default. So now it's a race against time.
6:23 The reminder that Jem left one earring outside. Inside, Zipper and the two other thugs that aren't watching the door are playing Old Maid. Jem and the Holograms are trying to devise a plan and making sure Synergy knows what to do. Sure it does--it's Synergy. It's all-powerful and can do ANYTHING! Jem and the Holograms start screaming their heads off--LIONS ARE IN THE PROJECTION BOOTH! How the hell did this happen? I don't know, but they're realistic enough to scare Zipper and the other thugs shitless. My question....how could Synergy make this hologram when Jem's got the one on that's keeping her as Jem, but the OTHER earring is outside? With a door blocking the hologram's projection path? Zipper and the two inside thugs are beating the door, pleading for the dumbass outside to open the door. "Duh, but you said...." THEN THE COPS SHOW UP.
NO WAIT!!!!! It's a...........say it with me, friends. A HOLOGRAM! That explains why Jem left the one earring outside. But it doesn't explain how she could stay Jem while the lion hologram was going. I don't think that they wanted us as kids to think about that sort of thing, but still...as an adult, I wonder about this stuff. Zipper and the thugs go back in the projection booth, but now they don't see Jem and the Holograms. And I just love the "wah-wah-waaaah" music in the background when they realized they've been duped. Then, HA. They reappear. (Can Synergy make people invisible? Technically, it's not a hologram, though, but I guess. She's a super-computer after all. She can do ANYTHING!) They make a run for it outside, but the thugs really just run into a hologram of an open door. BWAH-HA HA HA HA. Jem and the Holograms make a run for the REAL door, but Zipper grabs Kimber. Then they ALL get shut back in.
Then....Eric tells Zipper to let her go. What?! Eric's back?! How'd HE get here so quickly? Then he multiplies into three! Zipper starts freaking out; the drugs have FINALLY kicked in, and it's some pretty hardcore weed he just got done smoking, apparently. Kimber stomps on Zipper's foot, he lets her go, and the multi-Erics throw a big wooden box over Zipper, trapping him.
Then the REAL police show up. The dumbass fatty thug outside has this stupid smile on his face and is all, "Ha, can't fool ME twice!" Then a cop comes up (with Rio following him) and cuffs him. Yes, those look like REAL handcuffs, you dumbass.
Rio enters the projection booth, and sees Jem and the Holograms just sitting there. (And Jem's had BOTH earrings on this whole time, even though she left one outside. REALLY BAD BLOOPER.) Rio's thrilled. Jem runs over to him and plants a kiss on him. (QUIT ENCOURAGING HIM, JERRICA!) Rio reminds them that the contest is about to end! (And I'm sure this being LA, it too them more than 15 minutes to get to the drive-in. I remember Mr. Horowitz saying in Clueless, "Everywhere in LA takes twenty minutes.")
Outside, Jem picks up her one earring that she left behind. *rolls eyes* Don't even get me started. They go to the arena in a cop car, just leaving the Rockin' Roadster behind.
And just when you think that they have failed to show up and the Misfits have won the whole shebang......check THIS out!
0:49 How could Eric steal the Rockin' Roadster when it wasn't even taken to the arena?!
1:13 Eric Raymond, you FAIL at life.
1:43 Here's what bothers me the most: Jem projects a hologram of JERRICA to hang around Rio. *facepalm* WAY TO CONFUSE THE POOR GUY EVEN MORE, JERRICA!!!!!!!!! QUIT ENCOURAGING HIM!!!!!
1:47 Aw, the Misfits are giant sore losers. *pbbbt*
1:49 DANG, Britta Phillips could hit those high-notes back in the day!
And the applause meter has spoken.
TINKERBELL LIVES!!!!!!
And Jem and the Holograms WIN!! And the big Jem logo at the top flashes. OUTRAGEOUS! TRULY OUTRAGEOUS! OMFGZ! Howard awards them the deed to the mansion and the movie contract. THANK GOD. The Starlight Girls won't be homeless!
Backstage, Roxy and Stormer are in disbelief. How could they lose?! :( Pizzazz smacks them. "No matter what it takes, we're going to get even." BAD GIRLS ALERT.
But really, the best part about it all is that Jerrica gets to keep the family business and Eric has nothing to do with it anymore. Rio tears the nameplate off the office door, and they go inside and of course, Eric's still lingering about, trying to rip off what he can before he is escorted out by security, including the incriminating pictures of Synergy that Malone took. Jerrica's all, "But I thought you were in jail!" Eric remarks, "It's amazing what lawyers can do, if you offer them blowjobs if you pay them enough." Jerrica demands to know what Eric is taking from her office. He snidely tells her that they're just personal possessions.....and SLAPS her.
That's just LOW, man. Men hitting women is just WRONG.
Then comes my FAVORITE MOMENT IN THE WHOLE SERIES: Rio pulls back and decks Eric in the face. (3:18)
"That's something personal to remember me by." Could I love him more? <3 <3
When Eric is out of the building, Jerrica remarks that she'll make Starlight Music into something her father would be proud of. Rio tells her he'd be proud already. And then the kiss. *awwww*
FIRST FIVE EPISODES ARE DONE!!!!!!!!!!!!! Stay tuned for the "Starbright" three-parter!
"Outrageous" count: 3
Last time on "Jem," Rio saved Jem from what could've been a horrendous electrical equipment mishap. They almost got it on, but the Holograms barged in just in time. Back at the makeshift home at the "Starlight Mansion," Mrs. Bailey and Jerrica got concerned about Ashley turning into a pseudo-hoodlum, but don't do too much about it. Ashley bit the hand that feeds her and started wearing Misfits t-shirts anyway. Jerrica signed a deal for J&tH to perform in Las Vegas with the Misfits as their opening act. The whole band annoyed by this set-up, as are the Misfits. The Misfits concocted a plot so Jem and the Holograms wouldn't be the headlining act, and conned Ashley into going to Vegas with them. In Vegas, Jem got mopey about the whole situation with Rio and hem-hawed some more about telling him that she's really his girlfriend in disguise. Later on, Aja spotted Ashley in Vegas, was all, "WTF?!" and chased her outside where the Misfits managed to get her trapped in a tour bus luggage compartment. With one band member out of the way, the Misfits thought they had ruined things for J&tH, but Aja managed to get out of the luggage compartment and back to the casino in time to perform. The Misfits had a fit and walked out of being the opening act. Later on, Eric's hired thugs robbed the casino of the show's profits. The Misfits (as instructed by Eric) pointed the finger at Jem, and she was dragged into custody. Pizzazz also pointed a finger at Rio because she put the moves on him and he was all, "Uck!" Ashley and Stormer (draped in purple curtains)--who witnessed the REAL thieves--later talked to the detectives and convinced them to let Jem free. Later on, the Misfits ruined a fashion show that J&tH appeared in. Eric hired a private detective to do some snooping around about Jem's real identity. The private dick followed J&tH to the drive-in where Synergy's been stored. He managed to get in through the holographic wall that's been set up to conceal where Synergy is. Alerts were going off, the detective took some pics of Synergy with his crappy Goldstar camera, and started smashing the super-duper advanced computer system to pieces.
Oh, and Jerrica never told Rio that she's really Jem.
Which is where we left off. Cue the theme song! "Jem is truly outrageous! Truly truly truly outrageous!"
Click to viewSynergy alerts Jerrica via the Jemstar earrings that there is an intruder. So Aja does a u-turn in the Roadster and they head back to the abandoned drive-in. At 1:28 she's still Jerrica. But at 1:36, Aja isn't driving, and Jerrica is Jem. Oh, sailor girls, I think you know what I want you to do:
If you don't get the joke, re-read the last four recaps.
That Malone sneaks away in his crappy green sedan and drives past a blue station wagon with some old ladies in it. PSYCH! It's just Jerrica and the rest of the gang in disguise. Was there even really a point to them using a hologram here? Anyway, Malone goes to the Bureau of Records to dig up who owns the Starlight Drive-In. After getting the records, the "little old ladies" follow Malone back to Starlight Music. Jerrica and the rest of the girls put two and two together and figure out that the intruder was hired by that sneaky rat-bastard Eric Raymond.
So. Guess who the owner of the Starlight Drive-In was? I know you're just dying to know, right?! Emmett Benton himself. Malone hands Eric the pictures that he took of Synergy, which took awfully quick to develop, actually. I know you're all going to say, "One hour photo, duh." But remember--this was 1985. It's not like you could walk into a Walgreens, get a disposable Kodak camera, use it all up and drop it off to be developed likethat like you can today in 2009. Malone tells Eric....
"If you ask me, Jerrica Benton and this Jem-dame are the same person."
OMG NO WAY! You think?! Do bears shit in the woods? Is the sky blue? Is David Ogden Stiers gay?
Eric says, "That's impossible. I've seen them together." And you know, Jerrica has him fooled there. But that doesn't explain the pictures of Synergy. And once I think about it, you know what Synergy kinda sorta reminds me of?
"Industry, science and technology! Big men putting screwdrivers into things! Turning them! And adjusting them! Build your own atom storage box! Bringing you state-of-the-art in soft-serve technology! Snaffles caps off any size jug, bottle or jar. And it really really works."
Anyway, it freaked Malone out. It TALKED to him. *oOoOoOoOoOo* Eric says, "Whatever this gizmo is...." And Malone says, "It's got something to do with the machine in that picture." *rolls eyes* These two are talking about the SAME THING. Whatever it is, Eric wants it. And really, this isn't good. He's got a picture of Synergy now, and he can use this against Jerrica someday. I'm sure of it. Well, it's too late for Eric to have Synergy, because Malone kinda busted it up.
OH YEAH! That's right! Jerrica and the rest of the girls are up shit creek, right?! RIGHT?! How on Earth will Jerrica ever go on to perform as Jem now?! Ya think maybe we can just slap a pink wig and an obscene amount of makeup on Jerrica and she can pull it off?
2:54 Wow. It sure didn't take long for Jerrica and the rest of them to rent a moving van to haul Synergy out, only to walk in and see Synergy smashed up to bits. You'd think they would've rushed in to check in on Synergy BEFORE renting the truck as soon as they busted Malone. They walk in and see Synergy just ruined. And really, if Synergy is ruined and we SAW Malone take a chair to....it? I feel weird calling Synergy "her" because technically, "it" is a computer console. Ever seen that deleted scene from Terminator 2 when they take the CPU chip out to reset the Terminator's learning switch so it can learn stuff on its own, and Sarah's ready to smash the chip anyway, and John stops her and says "DON'T KILL HIM!" and Sarah says, "'It,' John. 'It.'" And John's all, "Okay, but we need 'it.'"? (If you don't know what I'm talking about, go rent Terminator 2 and see for yourself. James Cameron really should've left that scene in.)
Anyhoo, I went on a tangent there. Jerrica's all, "Synergy! What happened?!" And Synergy chuckles and says, "Don't worry Jerrica! I had to do something while the intruder was here!" And POOF! Synergy is back to normal!
I'm astounded that I actually BOUGHT this when I was a kid. But we saw Malone physically take a chair to Synergy and smash the console with it! And you mean to tell me that it was all a hologram?! So what the hell was Malone beating the shit out of?! Thin air?! This scene makes NO sense at all!
So the excuse whenever we see ANYTHING out of the ordinary on "Jem": "It's just a hologram.": Keep telling yourself that.
Whatever. The girls need to get Synergy out of the drive-in so Eric can keep his hands off of it, and Jerrica can keep her double-life as Jem top secret.
3:22 I find it very hard to believe that Jerrica and the rest of them just automatically know how to take Synergy apart without using any sort of instructions. With Synergy unplugged and not telling them what to do. And I also find it very hard that four young women who look pretty skinny can lug that HUGE console onto a moving truck as quickly as they do before Eric and Zipper show up. Ya know.....they could've gotten a certain strong purple-haired man to help them with this....
And ya know, that could've been the perfect opportunity for Jerrica to 'fess up about being Jem! I could see the scene now:
*phone rings*
Rio: Hello?
Jerrica: Hi, hon. It's me. Uhm....you busy right now?
Rio: No. Booty call?
Jerrica: No. Uhm....can you meet me and Kimber and Aja and Shana here at the abandoned drive-in?
Rio: Woah, kinky!
Jerrica: Get your mind out of the gutter, Rio! We need you to help move some...heavy computer equipment.
Rio: But it's 1985. How can you afford heavy computer equipment? Eric Raymond cut you off from half of your inheritance.
Jerrica: Okay. Long story short. I inherited this super computer that Daddy made that can project holographic images.
Rio: Mmm-hmmm.
Jerrica: And..........uhm...........I've been using it to be Jem.
Rio: .....Excuse me? What was that last part?
Jerrica. *sighs* I'M REALLY JEM, YOU BIG DOPE.
Rio: ...............................
Jerrica: Rio? Say something. Please.
Rio: ......Shit. That ruins my plans for a three-way.
Jerrica: EX-CUSE ME?!
Rio: Nothing, nothing. But....uhm....wow. That's cool. I didn't know you got into that kind of thing! Can you be Jem for me in bed?
Jerrica: Rio....just shut up and get here now so we can move this thing.
Rio: ......Promise me that we do it with you as Jem at least?
Jerrica: *sighs* YES.
Rio: I'll be right over!
3:47 This TV show is action packed! Smashing through gates! Jerrica and the rest of the girls take off with Synergy in the moving van. Eric, Zipper and the chubby thug arrive to find the place looking like crap and nothing in there. Eric is seething with anger and vows that this is the LAST time they make a fool of him. (*ha!*)
At the Starlight Mansion, the girls push and shove Synergy back together, and they fiddle with tools and try to remember how they took it apart. And then they plug it back in and cross their fingers that they didn't screw anything up. And Synergy bursts a big light at Jerrica and kills her!!!
Yeah, right. There's no killing on children programming. Synergy works. OUTRAGEOUS! And there's a music video. And the Synergy imagery in this video is pretty darn cool, actually.
Next scene is one of the Misfits bitching to Eric that he has to do SOMETHING because the Battle of the Bands is TONIGHT. They just want to start shit and make sure that they get Jem into some major trouble. Then Ashley knocks on the door and enters Eric's office. Pizzazz and Roxy get belligerent with Ashley for turning on them in Las Vegas. It seems that Ashley has seen the light, that the Misfits are nothing but trouble and aren't real friends (save for Stormer), and gives Pizzazz the $30 back. (Shouldn't she be giving it to Stormer?) Eric finds out that she's a Starlight orphan, and figures he can use Ashley to his advantage. NOT GOOD.
At the Starlight Mansion, the girls are getting ready for the concert. 6:50...Shana's wearing a white mini-dress, but in her mirror reflection she's got on a longer pink dress. (OH WAIT, IT'S JUST A HOLOGRAM.) And why the hell is Jerrica even worried about what the hell she's wearing? She's just going to fiddle with her earrings and transform into Jem anyway. And someone tell me WHY the hell that old-timey-looking antique phone BEEPS when it rings instead of an actual PHONE RING? It's Ashley, begging Jerrica to help her. Then Eric takes the phone and tells Jerrica to meet up with him at the Starlight Drive-In in thirty minutes. "And not a word to anyone else. Or Ashley pays the price."
O_O He's not going to molest her, is he?
They realize this is blackmail AND a plot to keep them away from the concert, but what are they going to do? They decide that Ashley's safety is more important than winning the show (and keeping this fancy schmancy house), so they're all going to go get her back. Then there's a knock on the door. Rio's all psyched up for the show, and he enters and sees how NOT psyched up the rest of them are (and is probably wondering "Where's Jem?" expecting to see her naked) and says, "What's going on here?" (This will be Rio's unofficial catchphrase for the entire series.) Jerrica tells him that they need a little more time, and Rio's all, "Ah, I know you too well." (Oh, you think so?) "Something's going on." So she tells him to trust her, and he's all, "Well, okay....but if you need me...." and walks off. As soon as Jerrica closes the door, Shana mentions that they could probably use Rio's help. Because Shana is the voice of reason and logic in the group, really. But does anyone ever really listen to her? No. She's just the drummer. Jerrica reminds Shana that Eric told them not to bring anyone. Jerrica, you ditz. You're really going to listen to Eric? She transforms into Jem, and they all leave to go get Ashley.
At the "Music Bowl," the fans are lining up to get their seats, and newscasters are covering the event. "Modern music will NEVER be the same!"
Backstage, we see images of garbage trucks compacting garbage. In one of the scenery rooms, Pizzazz is griping, "Whaddya mean we gotta take care of her?" Eric doesn't want to muss his hands with this ragamuffin waif; he's got an appointment to keep. So he shoves Ashley off on the Misfits. Pizzazz doesn't want to be bothered by her, either, so she decides that they'll just put her in a trunk. Ashley squirms out of Pizzazz's and Roxy's clenches, and tries her best to run away from Pizzazz and Roxy.
Pizzazz and Roxy catch her and throw her in the trunk anyway. Stormer looks appalled. (QUIT THIS BAND NOW WHILE YOU CAN! SAVE YOURSELF!) She tries to bust Ashley out, then Pizzazz and Roxy walk in on her and are all, "Aw, told ya she'd gone soft." They tell Stormer that "winning is everything that counts" and she's either with them or against them. And Stormer makes the WORST peer-pressure-based decision and just leaves Ashley. UGH.
With that brat out of the way, Pizzazz decides to try her luck with Rio again. And it still doesn't work. So they're like, "Bah, whatever. Jem chickened out!" Then the take the stage and perform. I don't care for the video for "Taking It All" much, but it's a pretty cool song. Basically, the Misfits are greedy bitches who don't like to compromise or play nice at all, and HAVE TO WIN AT ALL COSTS. And I think it's funny because Pizzazz was raised as a spoiled rich girl, and alllll of the money and wealth and riches will still never really be able to buy her true happiness. Poor woman. (And it's disgusting how the dreamboat football player in the video is Rio, and is all over Pizzazz. IN HER DREAMS.)
Meanwhile, at the drive-in, Jem and the Holograms show up to make a deal with Eric. He doesn't have Ashley, of course.
Kimber: "Talk about walking into a lion's den."
Jem: "We're going to pull that lion's teeth." (You go, girl.)
They walk in, and Eric's in there with a bunch of thugs. (They should've just brought RIO with them...) Jem wants to know where Ashley is, and Eric says she'll get Ashley back....after the contest. Then the thugs are about to sexually assault them, so they all make a run for it. Jem elbows Eric in the chest (you know, as payback for Pizzazz elbowing Rio...) and then jumps in the Roadster to try to escape (WHAT ABOUT SHANA AND AJA AND KIMBER?!). Zipper gets on his motorcycle, and I expect him to botch things up, like he always does. Jem's doing her best to outrun Zipper in that Roadster, but Zipper uses a dirt mound to do a wheelie and soar over the fence to catch up with her and block her off. She's surrounded. So she gets out and tries to run away in HEELS. Zipper chases after her on his motorcycle and catches her. She calls him "slime" and tries to get loose, but instead, she takes one of her earrings off and throws it on the ground as Synergy is calling out for her, trying to figure out what's going on.
REMEMBER THAT. Jem only has one earring on. Presumably the one keeping up the Jem-hologram. When they come back from commercial break, the door of the building is closed/boarded up. REMEMBER THAT. Eric is laying it out for them. When they don't show up for the Battle of the Bands, the Misfits will win by default and Eric will have Starlight Music all for himself.
Back at the "Music Bowl," the Misfits are basking in fame as they wrap up their performance. Howard Sands explains the meter that will measure the applause and cheers for the bands. Eric (wow, HE got there rather quickly!) gets the audience whooped up for the Misfits, and their applause and cheers are measured. Backstage, Eric's rubbing it in Rio's and the Countess du Voison's faces that Jem and the Holograms haven't shown up yet. Rio's about ready to tear Eric apart, but Howard stops him. (Rio could get slapped with assault charges, after all...)
Back at the drive-in, Zipper tells one of the thugs to keep watch on the door and to not let them out no matter what.
*chuckles*
Back at the arena/"Music Bowl" or whatever, backstage a truck is coming through hauling a trunk with a screaming girl in it. Rio recognizes Ashley's obnoxious teenage voice, and does the hero-thing. He grabs the trunk and hauls it on his back and gets Ashley to safety before the trunk is smashed. *sigh* Could I love him more? Ashley tells him where Jem and the Holograms are, but Howard reminds him that if they're not on stage in 15 minutes, the Misfits will win by default. So now it's a race against time.
6:23 The reminder that Jem left one earring outside. Inside, Zipper and the two other thugs that aren't watching the door are playing Old Maid. Jem and the Holograms are trying to devise a plan and making sure Synergy knows what to do. Sure it does--it's Synergy. It's all-powerful and can do ANYTHING! Jem and the Holograms start screaming their heads off--LIONS ARE IN THE PROJECTION BOOTH! How the hell did this happen? I don't know, but they're realistic enough to scare Zipper and the other thugs shitless. My question....how could Synergy make this hologram when Jem's got the one on that's keeping her as Jem, but the OTHER earring is outside? With a door blocking the hologram's projection path? Zipper and the two inside thugs are beating the door, pleading for the dumbass outside to open the door. "Duh, but you said...." THEN THE COPS SHOW UP.
NO WAIT!!!!! It's a...........say it with me, friends. A HOLOGRAM! That explains why Jem left the one earring outside. But it doesn't explain how she could stay Jem while the lion hologram was going. I don't think that they wanted us as kids to think about that sort of thing, but still...as an adult, I wonder about this stuff. Zipper and the thugs go back in the projection booth, but now they don't see Jem and the Holograms. And I just love the "wah-wah-waaaah" music in the background when they realized they've been duped. Then, HA. They reappear. (Can Synergy make people invisible? Technically, it's not a hologram, though, but I guess. She's a super-computer after all. She can do ANYTHING!) They make a run for it outside, but the thugs really just run into a hologram of an open door. BWAH-HA HA HA HA. Jem and the Holograms make a run for the REAL door, but Zipper grabs Kimber. Then they ALL get shut back in.
Then....Eric tells Zipper to let her go. What?! Eric's back?! How'd HE get here so quickly? Then he multiplies into three! Zipper starts freaking out; the drugs have FINALLY kicked in, and it's some pretty hardcore weed he just got done smoking, apparently. Kimber stomps on Zipper's foot, he lets her go, and the multi-Erics throw a big wooden box over Zipper, trapping him.
Then the REAL police show up. The dumbass fatty thug outside has this stupid smile on his face and is all, "Ha, can't fool ME twice!" Then a cop comes up (with Rio following him) and cuffs him. Yes, those look like REAL handcuffs, you dumbass.
Rio enters the projection booth, and sees Jem and the Holograms just sitting there. (And Jem's had BOTH earrings on this whole time, even though she left one outside. REALLY BAD BLOOPER.) Rio's thrilled. Jem runs over to him and plants a kiss on him. (QUIT ENCOURAGING HIM, JERRICA!) Rio reminds them that the contest is about to end! (And I'm sure this being LA, it too them more than 15 minutes to get to the drive-in. I remember Mr. Horowitz saying in Clueless, "Everywhere in LA takes twenty minutes.")
Outside, Jem picks up her one earring that she left behind. *rolls eyes* Don't even get me started. They go to the arena in a cop car, just leaving the Rockin' Roadster behind.
And just when you think that they have failed to show up and the Misfits have won the whole shebang......check THIS out!
0:49 How could Eric steal the Rockin' Roadster when it wasn't even taken to the arena?!
1:13 Eric Raymond, you FAIL at life.
1:43 Here's what bothers me the most: Jem projects a hologram of JERRICA to hang around Rio. *facepalm* WAY TO CONFUSE THE POOR GUY EVEN MORE, JERRICA!!!!!!!!! QUIT ENCOURAGING HIM!!!!!
1:47 Aw, the Misfits are giant sore losers. *pbbbt*
1:49 DANG, Britta Phillips could hit those high-notes back in the day!
And the applause meter has spoken.
TINKERBELL LIVES!!!!!!
And Jem and the Holograms WIN!! And the big Jem logo at the top flashes. OUTRAGEOUS! TRULY OUTRAGEOUS! OMFGZ! Howard awards them the deed to the mansion and the movie contract. THANK GOD. The Starlight Girls won't be homeless!
Backstage, Roxy and Stormer are in disbelief. How could they lose?! :( Pizzazz smacks them. "No matter what it takes, we're going to get even." BAD GIRLS ALERT.
But really, the best part about it all is that Jerrica gets to keep the family business and Eric has nothing to do with it anymore. Rio tears the nameplate off the office door, and they go inside and of course, Eric's still lingering about, trying to rip off what he can before he is escorted out by security, including the incriminating pictures of Synergy that Malone took. Jerrica's all, "But I thought you were in jail!" Eric remarks, "It's amazing what lawyers can do, if you offer them blowjobs if you pay them enough." Jerrica demands to know what Eric is taking from her office. He snidely tells her that they're just personal possessions.....and SLAPS her.
That's just LOW, man. Men hitting women is just WRONG.
Then comes my FAVORITE MOMENT IN THE WHOLE SERIES: Rio pulls back and decks Eric in the face. (3:18)
"That's something personal to remember me by." Could I love him more? <3 <3
When Eric is out of the building, Jerrica remarks that she'll make Starlight Music into something her father would be proud of. Rio tells her he'd be proud already. And then the kiss. *awwww*
FIRST FIVE EPISODES ARE DONE!!!!!!!!!!!!! Stay tuned for the "Starbright" three-parter!
"Outrageous" count: 3