I've been meaning to do this for the LONGEST time now!
And no, not "Rock of Love Bus" snark (which I still intend to do). But I'm finally sitting myself down to do some snarking of my absolute favorite cartoon ever!
About freaking time, I say!
So I put the first disc of the DVD set in my player to settle down and start watching, because frankly (for the purpose of the groups I post in), I need to get reacquainted with the show. And what bothers the living crap out of me is that for the VERY FIRST EPISODE, they have replaced the original "Jem is truly outrageous!" theme song with that "Me and my friends are Jem girls" crap. You know, the non-gender specific one. My inner six-year-old is dying. This was NOT the original theme song, for crying out loud.
Oh hell. Here's the original theme song. If Rhino was going to do something, they could've at least done it right, you'd think:
Now is it me, or did the animation in the opening sequence alone seem better than the actual show animation? Big deal, when I was a kid, I wasn't paying attention to that stuff. I'd be running home after school because "OMG! JEM'S ON!" and turn on channel 9 (WGN) and plop my butt down in front of the TV to get my fill because I CAN'T MISS THE THEME SONG!!!! That theme song is EVERYTHING! You know why? Because Jem is outrageous. Truly, truly outrageous.
Anyway, let's get to the actual show. First episode, which is actually part one of the five-part intro to the series, "The Beginning." Which is a very good place to start. The show starts out at some big event, where everyone and their mom is waiting for Jem to show up. Everyone is dressed so 80s-style, I'm loving it. Then the Rockin' Roadster rolls in, and I swear, this thing is like a freaking clown car because you wouldn't expect the tiny space in there to seat all four of the bandmembers. BUT IT DOES. Out first comes Aja Leith. She's Asian, she's got electric-blue hair, and she's the lead guitarist. Everyone's freaking chanting her name. Yeah, Aja is pretty damn cool.
Then from behind Aja pops out Shana Elmsford. Everyone starts chanting her name now. Shana's black, has a modified purple 'fro, and she plays bass AND drums in the band. You go, gurl.
Then Aja and Shana grab a red-haired girl out from the car and pull her out. That's Kimber Benton. She's the youngest in the band, and she plays keyboards/synthesizers. And she occasionally plays the guitar, too. And writes the majority of the band's songs.
Then.....
OMG!!!! IT'S JEM!!!!
TURN AROUND, BEEYOTCH!
Check out that....valet? Limo driver? I don't know what he is, but he's creepy and totally checking out Jem's ass. Better watch out before her road manager lays the smackdown on you, fool. People start asking Jem a thousand questions: "When are you going to put out a new album? What's your real name? What's it feel like to be famous? Is that your REAL haircolor?"
When Jem starts in with her story and says, "I remember how it all began..." SHE IS NOT WEARING HER EARRINGS. UGH. Those earrings are a MAJOR part of who Jem is....and the frickin' animators just happened to NOT include them on her in a specific closeup.
So now we get Jem's "sob story." But of course, she doesn't open her mouth and tell it, so we only get her voiceover/perspective because she's reflecting on everything leading up to this moment. Turns out Jem's dad died very unexpectedly not too long ago. FLASHBACK TIME!
"Wait!" you're asking. "Where's Jem? And who's that dude with the purple hair?" Hold on, I'm getting to that. Turns out Jem's real name is Jerrica Benton. That "dude with the purple hair" is Rio, her boyfriend. And I know when my dad dies, I want to wear a purple suit to his funeral just like Jerrica's done here. Note how the rest of band is wearing black, but not Jerrica! Oh no! She's just gotta stand out like a sore thumb, like her BF's hair! The other asshole (and yes, he IS an asshole) is Eric Raymond, and he's giving his condolences to Jerrica. She addresses him as "Mr. Raymond." He's all, "Please, call me Eric. If there's anything I can do..." and Rio looks like he's about to choke a bitch.
The first "pissy Rio moment" in the show, I LOVE IT! (And YES, I'm not ashamed to admit it. I'm a Rio fan. And I feel like the ONLY Rio fan in the whole Jem universe. And I will go more into detail about this as I keep doing snarky recaps.) So he leads Jerrica away, being the...ahem, "terrible boyfriend" that he is and tells Eric she's fine without him. (That "terrible boyfriend" knows an asshole when he sees one, if you ask me.) Jerrica's all, "Oh, pshaw, don't mind him, Rio means well." I'm sure he does. I know I wouldn't mind if he put a boot up Eric Raymond's butt. But I'm getting ahead of myself. Back to Jem's voiceover!
Jem....or, well, Jerrica explains that when her dad died, he left them (her, Aja, Shana and Kimber--her younger sister) two inheritances--one being Starlight Music, his music business, and the other was a home for foster girls called Starlight House. Here's the house:
Pretty, huh? Turns out it's falling apart! Thanks a lot, Dad! Time for the gang to do some serious fixing up around the house. And since this a musical family, I'd imagine they'd be singing something like "Whistle While You Work" while cleaning up. You know, to Disney-fy it a bit.
With disastrous results.
Meanwhile, Kimber the baby is lazing around and playing on her guitar, not doing anything to help.
She's not too concerned that Rio falls off the ladder and her big sister's getting drenched while working on the plumbing. No, Kimber, that's okay. You just stay put and keep playing guitar. We don't need your help, really. Chances are, she wouldn't be much help anyway. The rest of the Starlight Girls are worried and complain to Jerrica that they've got some problems with the house.
Jerrica: "DUH!" "Tell me about 'em!"
So there's no power in the house, there's a bad leak in the kitchen, and to top it all off, the vacuum cleaner is kaput. And there are about a dozen foster girls that need to be taken care of. This is starting to remind me of "Party of Five" gone haywire.
Shana says, "What we need is money to fix things up." Mrs. Bailey, the housekeeper, mentions that Emmett always used to get money from Starlight Music. WOW! Why didn't they think of that? I mean, they've inherited the family business. Why wasn't Emmett using whatever he was earning from Starlight Music before he died to take care of this crap? And why can't Jerrica do the same? She grabs her trusty pink and blue striped dress and kicky beret, and decides to check in on the family business to take care of the house upkeep.
Minutes later, she arrives at Starlight Music. The old security guard isn't there; "Mr. Raymond" fired him, and the noob hassles Jerrica. She slips past him and gets in the elevator to get to her dad's old office. When she gets up there, she gets hassled again by some new secretary who has replaced her dad's secretary.
Jerrica's all, "What the crap IS this?!" and storms in her dad's old office. That douchebag Eric Raymond is in there, wasting no time and making himself nice and comfy. He starts getting schmoozy with Jerrica, calling her "darling" and just being a total skeeze. She explains to him that she needs money for renovations for Starlight House. Eric laughs very condescendingly and says, "Starlight Music is a business, Jerrica. Not a charity." OH NO HE DIDN'T! She points out that her dad left her half the company, after all, but Eric's all, "Pfft, whatever, you're just a kid. I've got BIG plans to make Starlight Music the most powerful recording company in the country!" And he's hired THESE fierce bitches to make it happen for him!
PIZZAZZ!
ROXY!
STORMER!
(BLUE-ORANGE CONTRAST!!!!)
THE MISFITS!!!
Yes, they burst into Emmett Benton's office riding these guitar-shaped motorcycles. I really wish Hasbro would've put these out for the Misfits' dolls. But Jerrica hates these "monstrosities" (what? the motorcycles? or the actual women?) and tells them to get out of her father's office. Eric's all, "It's my office now." Uh, since WHEN? Jerrica owns half the company, you jerk. What, are they going to paint a white line down half the office? Hell no! Eric's just going to push Jerrica around because he's a big, boorish asshole. "Who is this twerp?" Pizzazz asks. Jerrica tries to assert herself, but it doesn't work.
Roxy: "So what? We're the Misfits!"
Stormer: "You can't tell us what to do!"
Pizzazz: "Stay out of my way, or else!"
Jerrica: "Or else what?"
Or else they'll break into song, that's what! Complete with music video!:
Then Eric reveals his dastardly plan for the Battle of the Bands contest the next day. He's bribed the "competing" bands to suck so the Misfits look and sound better in comparison. (Pizzazz: "But we sound terrific anyway." Wow, full of yourself much?) You know, to stir up some press and promotion for the Misfits. Then Jerrica opens up her big mouth that pretty much starts the war with her and Pizzazz: "How dare you use my father's company to promote this....this trash?!" Oh yeah, she went there. Eric's all, "I'm in charge now, and there's nothing you can do about it.
Jerrica just got pwned. She storms off in a huff. With no money to fix the house, to boot. Sucks to be you, Jerrica.
Back at Starlight House, the power is still out. It's dark and windy outside, adding to the spooky factor. The girls are all pow-wowing inside Jerrica's room, trying to figure out what to do about the "we have no money, we have no power, the house is falling apart, Eric Raymond is a rat bastard" situation. Then Kimber remembers something came for Jerrica while she was out duking it out with Eric Raymond and the Misfits. It looks like a little jewelry box.
What's inside? THESE pretty babies!:
Who sent them? Maybe Rio did? Who knows. As soon as she puts them on, it starts storming outside, thunder rolls, the wind blows the window open and extinguishes the candles. Then a purple woman appears in the room and calls for Jerrica by name!
It's the ghost of Christmas past!
The purple ghost--or whatever she is--instructs Jerrica to find directions inside the earring box. Jerrica's all, "Well, let's do what this strange apparition tells us to do." So the gang gets into the Starlight Express (a big minivan) and follows the directions to an old abandoned drive-in.
If I'm not mistaken, I think there's a theme going on here. "Starlight" being the operative word.
Spooky purple ghost-woman instructs them to drive through the wall of the building. WHAT?! But they'll crash the car! Purple lady tells them "Things are not always what they seem." PAY ATTENTION TO THAT NOW. Jerrica tells her to go ahead, but Aja's all, "Hey! I'm crazy, but I'm not THAT crazy!" Jerrica tells her, "Shut up, bitch, and do what you're told. Go ahead, I have a hunch." So Aja drives the car sloooooooooowly into the building....and whaddya know?! It's MAGIC! They go through the wall and don't crash to their grisly deaths!
There's a big....computer console...thing inside that's blinking colored lights and an image of the ghostly-whatsit is on the screen.
This is Synergy, a holographic computer designed to be the ultimate audio/visual entertainment synthesizer. And Emmett Benton designed and made it all by himself. Now it's Jerrica's! And Synergy can make completely realistic holograms! Check THIS out!:
And Synergy can completely change people's appearances! Check THIS out!:
Okay, yeah, that picture doesn't do Synergy's work justice. You have to see the cartoon. She just transformed Kimber into Aja, Aja into Shana, and Shana into Kimber. But that doesn't explain why Synergy appeared in Jerrica's bedroom when her system is located here in this abandoned drive-in. Turns out those earrings are Synergy's remote micro-projectors.
Oh yeah, the girls got some other gifts from Emmett, too. Some crazy dress-up clothes...
....some musical instruments/gear, and a new car.
(Now I got the Rockin' Roadster toy a couple of years ago through eBay. My brother took one look at it and was like, "Who's that car for? The Velvet Mafia?") And if you ask me, that hood ornament screams "SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING" to me. Jerrica's amazed that her dad managed to keep Synergy, the clothes, the musical instruments and the car all a secret. (Makes me wonder why the hell he didn't just put the car and musical instruments in his will. It also makes me think Jerrica gets the whole "I'm good at keeping secrets" thing from her daddy.) Then...she gets a great idea!
The next day at the Battle of the Bands, everyone has to suffer through the Limp Lizards wailing, "My love is like bro-ken glaaaaaass...." UGH. Nobody likes the Leatherettes, either. Or the Space Cadets. But everyone looooves the Misfits. Hope those other bands decided the payoff was worth it.
Well, it's unanimous. The Misfits have this thing won. But wait! What's........THIS?!:
Dang, if a music video were made to look like this NOW, it'd just blow people's minds.
So she introduces herself and the band as Jem and the Holograms. Wowee. Original. *slow golf clap*
Eric Raymond gets his panties in a bunch. Jem has ruined the contest! He rants at them, "YOU CAN'T PLAY HERE! This contest is 'invitation only'!" Jem points off to the side and says, "Yeah, well, she invited us!" Then she fiddles with her earring and says her magical catchphrase......
"A LA PEANUT BUTTER SANDWICHES!"
Oops, wait. She whispers, "Showtime, Synergy!" Voila, a hologram of Jerrica appears to the side of the stage. Eric starts making his way through the crowd over to Jerrica to chew her a new one, so Jem jumps off the stage and runs over behind the tree where "Jerrica" is. She touches her earring again and says, "Show's over, Synergy." The hologram disappears, and she's back to being regular ol' plain-jane Jerrica Benton again. Finally, she catches up with him on the main stage.
Eric: "I will NOT tolerate this kind of interference, Jerrica!"
Jerrica: "And I will not tolerate rigged contests." Look who just got pwned.
So Eric challenges Jerrica. They both have six months to develop their bands' talent and have another Battle of the Bands. If the Misfits win, then Eric gets control of Starlight Music. If Jem and the Holograms win, then Jerrica gets the family business back.
Meanwhile, Glen Danzig has sent some lawyers over to slap Eric Raymond with a lawsuit for infringing on the name "The Misfits."
Nah, that's just Howard Sands, a big-shot movie producer. He wants to sweeten the deal. He'll offer a movie deal to the band who wins the contest, as well as a fancy new mansion to live in. Now....given the problems that Jerrica and the gang have been having with Starlight House, don't you think this is setting it up for them to win? ;)
Now the Misfits decide to start some trouble. They swipe some of Jem and the Holograms' musical instruments.
THIS is great. "Hologram" is singular, but the right way. But "Misfits" is BACKWARDS:
Craptacular animation continuity, I salute thee!
Aja notices the Misfits swiping their instruments, so they jump into the Roadster and chase 'em down.
Roxy: "Hey! They want their junk back!"
Pizzazz: "Let 'em have it!"
Here ya go! *fwing!*
And because of this, Aja loses control of the car trying to dodge the instruments being thrown at the car and nearly runs off a cliff.
Kimber: "Oh no, what are we going to do?"
Shana: "Well, we can't just stay here."
Aja: "Come on, we can climb out."
They try climbing out, and the car nearly goes over the edge with them shifting their weight. BRILLIANT idea, Aja. The girls are stuck between a rock and a hard place. Jerrica figures that Synergy is their only hope. It's going to take more than a hologram to get them out of this one.
Out of the blue, who should be driving by but Rio! Maybe a hologram CAN get the girls out of this mess! Jerrica takes one of her earrings off and projects a hologram of Jem onto the road to flag Rio down.
Here's what bothers me the most. Okay....Rio wasn't around when the girls made this big discovery about Synergy, or wasn't there when they decided, "Hey, let's crash this Battle of the Bands thing, and we'll have Jerrica as the lead singer, but she won't look like Jerrica. If she did, Eric Raymond would throw us out on our butts. We're going to disguise her with pink hair and a lot of makeup and we're going to call her 'Jem' instead." If this were the case, we wouldn't have the love triangle that makes this show what it is. We don't know where the hell Rio's been since they've been trying to fix up Starlight House. He wasn't at the Battle of the Bands earlier, either. But for some reason, Rio's like, "Hey! There's Jem!" I beg the question....how does he know who Jem is?! Hmm?! Makes me think he might have known the whole time. I don't know. It doesn't make me dislike the guy. Hell, Rio's probably my favorite character in the show. But it does make me wonder if maybe Emmett Benton might have let Rio in on some critical things before he died....
Anyway, back to the snark. The Jem-hologram informs Rio that the Rockin' Roadster is hanging on the edge of a cliff. (Nice job mentioning the "Rockin' Roadster" by name. Blatant product placement ahoy!) Rio rushes over and rescues them ALL BY HIMSELF.
Who's da man?
This little mishap managed to bring in some press for our fledgling little band!
But that wasn't the big headline. Rio rescuing the girls was the MAIN headline. ("Local Youth"? How old is Rio anyway? He don't exactly look like a gangly teenage boy to me.) Anyway, Eric Raymond is PISSED. Because of his bands shenanegans, Jem and the Holograms got a ton of free press out of it. And he's damn lucky Jerrica didn't call the police. Why? Because the Misfits swiped their instruments. That's called theft, baby. And if Jerrica had a brain, maybe she should've done just that. Sued the pants off of Eric and maybe gotten some money out of him because of it. But Jerrica's a blonde, what do you expect? (I shouldn't talk. I'm back to being a blonde.) The Misfits are all, "Big whoop, whatever, it's not our fault that Aja-chick can't drive." Eric just tells them to knock it off and leave the serious business to him. He'll make sure they win.
Pizzazz: "You'd better, because..."
Oh no, I smell another song/music video.
Man, it'd be something if life was like this. Everyone erupts into a music video when you get in the middle of a conversation.
Back at Starlight House, the girls are forking over their day's earnings from out on the streets doing hard, manual, child labor.
Lela: "Dang, girl, you're gonna have to get out there and hustle. I said THREE hundred!"
Nah, they're just putting in part of whatever little chores they do around the house into the Honor Jar. (Say it with me: "I walked Mrs. Ledger's dog!") Ashley doesn't get the concept of the Honor Jar; she must be a Starlight Noob. They're saving up money to get a new refrigerator. On top of all the other things they need new/fixed, they need a refrigerator as well. Screw Eric Raymond, for not lending Jerrica money from her FATHER'S business to take care of a dozen foster girls. He's as crooked as Rod Blagojevich.
OH YEAH. I WENT THERE. That bastard got impeached today, too.
Anyhoo, the girls only need $30 more to get that new fridge! YAY! Ashley don't care. She'd rather starve, I guess.
While Lela's shaking down the Starlight Girls for cash, Rio is downstairs diligently working at getting the power restored, bless his heart. Waaait a minute....if they have no power, how is it possible for that lightbulb to be working? MAGIC?! Or is it....a HOLOGRAM?! WoOoOoOoOo.
(Now let's remember all these nice things he does for Jerrica before she starts LYING to him.)
Speak of the devil. Jerrica comes down with a snack for the hardworking "local youth."
Which includes...wine? Woooh, you naughty girl. ;) Fuse box looks ancient, and the wiring is shot.
Jerrica: "Oh, I don't know what we'd do without you."
Rio: "Anytime you need me, Jerrica, I'll be here." (And he says this with such a sexy voice, too. *sigh* And I watched this stuff when I was six years old?! OMG scandalous!)
Rio-haters, to the left. He's a good guy, I don't get the hate.
Back at Starlight Music, Eric is calling up his hired thug, Zipper, and giving him a "job" to do. His job: break into Starlight House, rip off a few things, make Jerrica nervous. That is ALL Eric instructs him to do. Nothing more, nothing less.
Back at Starlight House, Ashley's doing some ripping-off of her own. From the Honor Jar. *shock!* But Jerrica and the gang catch her in the act. There's no room in Starlight House for girls who steal. Jerrica's not going to do anything about it, but she'll leave the punishment up to the other Starlight Girls. Sucks to be Ashley. The rest of the girls decide that she should have to raise the remaining $30 needed for the fridge that they were saving up for. She doesn't like it? Well, she should've thought about that before she tried rippin' them off.
Nighttime. Finally, an end to this crazy day. Unfortunately, the girls will have to go without power for another night. I do declare, how will they get through the night without a strong man to protect them? Rio offers to stay the night with them.
Aw, you know he just wants to get some...er, share a bed with his girlfriend.
....Semi-clothed.
...Oh hell, the guy's trying to restore your power. The LEAST you could do is put out for him, Jerrica!! *sigh* But no. She's probably on her period, so she sends him home. Hell, if Rio offered to stay the night, I wouldn't tell him no.
HAWT.
(Note how Jerrica's eye makeup changed from pink to blue. Say it with me, folks. "Crappy animation continuity, I salute thee!" "No, Holly, that was a hologram!")
Some of the Starlight Girls are spying on them making out. Jerrica sends them to bed before it gets PG-13 in here. But not before doing her best imitation of Kim Kardashian (and by that, I mean taunting them with, "Jealous?").
But when Zipper comes in and breaks in the house, Rio's red van is still sitting in the driveway. What the hell? (Once again, crappy animation continuity, I salute thee!) One of the Starlight Girls wakes Jerrica up because someone has gotten in the house. Well, what's Jerrica gonna do about it? Slap them to death? Stun him with a hologram? WoOoOoOoO.
Jerrica and the rest of her pals go downstairs to check it out. Oh yeah, Zipper's down there, stealing junk.
How inconspicuous of him to go under cover of night to rip crap off, wearing nothing to disguise his face and a big leather jacket with "ZIPPER" on the back. I mean, really. Why don't we just put a big tattoo on his face? Then again, Zipper IS a blonde...
So he's ripped stuff off from them. That's ONE check off Eric's instruction. Startle girls, make them nervous, check. The dumbass runs at Kimber, who's holding one of those hurricane oil lamps, and causes her to drop it.
The look on Kimber's face! PRICELESS!:
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"
WTF, Zipper?! Eric didn't tell you to start a freaking FIRE!
I sure hope they're insured!
See, Jerrica? Maybe you should've just let Rio stay the night.
STAY TUNED FOR THE RECAP OF "DISASTER"! Until then, stay outrageous!
About freaking time, I say!
So I put the first disc of the DVD set in my player to settle down and start watching, because frankly (for the purpose of the groups I post in), I need to get reacquainted with the show. And what bothers the living crap out of me is that for the VERY FIRST EPISODE, they have replaced the original "Jem is truly outrageous!" theme song with that "Me and my friends are Jem girls" crap. You know, the non-gender specific one. My inner six-year-old is dying. This was NOT the original theme song, for crying out loud.
Oh hell. Here's the original theme song. If Rhino was going to do something, they could've at least done it right, you'd think:
Click to viewNow is it me, or did the animation in the opening sequence alone seem better than the actual show animation? Big deal, when I was a kid, I wasn't paying attention to that stuff. I'd be running home after school because "OMG! JEM'S ON!" and turn on channel 9 (WGN) and plop my butt down in front of the TV to get my fill because I CAN'T MISS THE THEME SONG!!!! That theme song is EVERYTHING! You know why? Because Jem is outrageous. Truly, truly outrageous.
Anyway, let's get to the actual show. First episode, which is actually part one of the five-part intro to the series, "The Beginning." Which is a very good place to start. The show starts out at some big event, where everyone and their mom is waiting for Jem to show up. Everyone is dressed so 80s-style, I'm loving it. Then the Rockin' Roadster rolls in, and I swear, this thing is like a freaking clown car because you wouldn't expect the tiny space in there to seat all four of the bandmembers. BUT IT DOES. Out first comes Aja Leith. She's Asian, she's got electric-blue hair, and she's the lead guitarist. Everyone's freaking chanting her name. Yeah, Aja is pretty damn cool.
Then from behind Aja pops out Shana Elmsford. Everyone starts chanting her name now. Shana's black, has a modified purple 'fro, and she plays bass AND drums in the band. You go, gurl.
Then Aja and Shana grab a red-haired girl out from the car and pull her out. That's Kimber Benton. She's the youngest in the band, and she plays keyboards/synthesizers. And she occasionally plays the guitar, too. And writes the majority of the band's songs.
Then.....
OMG!!!! IT'S JEM!!!!
TURN AROUND, BEEYOTCH!
Check out that....valet? Limo driver? I don't know what he is, but he's creepy and totally checking out Jem's ass. Better watch out before her road manager lays the smackdown on you, fool. People start asking Jem a thousand questions: "When are you going to put out a new album? What's your real name? What's it feel like to be famous? Is that your REAL haircolor?"
When Jem starts in with her story and says, "I remember how it all began..." SHE IS NOT WEARING HER EARRINGS. UGH. Those earrings are a MAJOR part of who Jem is....and the frickin' animators just happened to NOT include them on her in a specific closeup.
So now we get Jem's "sob story." But of course, she doesn't open her mouth and tell it, so we only get her voiceover/perspective because she's reflecting on everything leading up to this moment. Turns out Jem's dad died very unexpectedly not too long ago. FLASHBACK TIME!
"Wait!" you're asking. "Where's Jem? And who's that dude with the purple hair?" Hold on, I'm getting to that. Turns out Jem's real name is Jerrica Benton. That "dude with the purple hair" is Rio, her boyfriend. And I know when my dad dies, I want to wear a purple suit to his funeral just like Jerrica's done here. Note how the rest of band is wearing black, but not Jerrica! Oh no! She's just gotta stand out like a sore thumb, like her BF's hair! The other asshole (and yes, he IS an asshole) is Eric Raymond, and he's giving his condolences to Jerrica. She addresses him as "Mr. Raymond." He's all, "Please, call me Eric. If there's anything I can do..." and Rio looks like he's about to choke a bitch.
The first "pissy Rio moment" in the show, I LOVE IT! (And YES, I'm not ashamed to admit it. I'm a Rio fan. And I feel like the ONLY Rio fan in the whole Jem universe. And I will go more into detail about this as I keep doing snarky recaps.) So he leads Jerrica away, being the...ahem, "terrible boyfriend" that he is and tells Eric she's fine without him. (That "terrible boyfriend" knows an asshole when he sees one, if you ask me.) Jerrica's all, "Oh, pshaw, don't mind him, Rio means well." I'm sure he does. I know I wouldn't mind if he put a boot up Eric Raymond's butt. But I'm getting ahead of myself. Back to Jem's voiceover!
Jem....or, well, Jerrica explains that when her dad died, he left them (her, Aja, Shana and Kimber--her younger sister) two inheritances--one being Starlight Music, his music business, and the other was a home for foster girls called Starlight House. Here's the house:
Pretty, huh? Turns out it's falling apart! Thanks a lot, Dad! Time for the gang to do some serious fixing up around the house. And since this a musical family, I'd imagine they'd be singing something like "Whistle While You Work" while cleaning up. You know, to Disney-fy it a bit.
With disastrous results.
Meanwhile, Kimber the baby is lazing around and playing on her guitar, not doing anything to help.
She's not too concerned that Rio falls off the ladder and her big sister's getting drenched while working on the plumbing. No, Kimber, that's okay. You just stay put and keep playing guitar. We don't need your help, really. Chances are, she wouldn't be much help anyway. The rest of the Starlight Girls are worried and complain to Jerrica that they've got some problems with the house.
Jerrica: "DUH!" "Tell me about 'em!"
So there's no power in the house, there's a bad leak in the kitchen, and to top it all off, the vacuum cleaner is kaput. And there are about a dozen foster girls that need to be taken care of. This is starting to remind me of "Party of Five" gone haywire.
Shana says, "What we need is money to fix things up." Mrs. Bailey, the housekeeper, mentions that Emmett always used to get money from Starlight Music. WOW! Why didn't they think of that? I mean, they've inherited the family business. Why wasn't Emmett using whatever he was earning from Starlight Music before he died to take care of this crap? And why can't Jerrica do the same? She grabs her trusty pink and blue striped dress and kicky beret, and decides to check in on the family business to take care of the house upkeep.
Minutes later, she arrives at Starlight Music. The old security guard isn't there; "Mr. Raymond" fired him, and the noob hassles Jerrica. She slips past him and gets in the elevator to get to her dad's old office. When she gets up there, she gets hassled again by some new secretary who has replaced her dad's secretary.
Jerrica's all, "What the crap IS this?!" and storms in her dad's old office. That douchebag Eric Raymond is in there, wasting no time and making himself nice and comfy. He starts getting schmoozy with Jerrica, calling her "darling" and just being a total skeeze. She explains to him that she needs money for renovations for Starlight House. Eric laughs very condescendingly and says, "Starlight Music is a business, Jerrica. Not a charity." OH NO HE DIDN'T! She points out that her dad left her half the company, after all, but Eric's all, "Pfft, whatever, you're just a kid. I've got BIG plans to make Starlight Music the most powerful recording company in the country!" And he's hired THESE fierce bitches to make it happen for him!
PIZZAZZ!
ROXY!
STORMER!
(BLUE-ORANGE CONTRAST!!!!)
THE MISFITS!!!
Yes, they burst into Emmett Benton's office riding these guitar-shaped motorcycles. I really wish Hasbro would've put these out for the Misfits' dolls. But Jerrica hates these "monstrosities" (what? the motorcycles? or the actual women?) and tells them to get out of her father's office. Eric's all, "It's my office now." Uh, since WHEN? Jerrica owns half the company, you jerk. What, are they going to paint a white line down half the office? Hell no! Eric's just going to push Jerrica around because he's a big, boorish asshole. "Who is this twerp?" Pizzazz asks. Jerrica tries to assert herself, but it doesn't work.
Roxy: "So what? We're the Misfits!"
Stormer: "You can't tell us what to do!"
Pizzazz: "Stay out of my way, or else!"
Jerrica: "Or else what?"
Or else they'll break into song, that's what! Complete with music video!:
Then Eric reveals his dastardly plan for the Battle of the Bands contest the next day. He's bribed the "competing" bands to suck so the Misfits look and sound better in comparison. (Pizzazz: "But we sound terrific anyway." Wow, full of yourself much?) You know, to stir up some press and promotion for the Misfits. Then Jerrica opens up her big mouth that pretty much starts the war with her and Pizzazz: "How dare you use my father's company to promote this....this trash?!" Oh yeah, she went there. Eric's all, "I'm in charge now, and there's nothing you can do about it.
Jerrica just got pwned. She storms off in a huff. With no money to fix the house, to boot. Sucks to be you, Jerrica.
Back at Starlight House, the power is still out. It's dark and windy outside, adding to the spooky factor. The girls are all pow-wowing inside Jerrica's room, trying to figure out what to do about the "we have no money, we have no power, the house is falling apart, Eric Raymond is a rat bastard" situation. Then Kimber remembers something came for Jerrica while she was out duking it out with Eric Raymond and the Misfits. It looks like a little jewelry box.
What's inside? THESE pretty babies!:
Who sent them? Maybe Rio did? Who knows. As soon as she puts them on, it starts storming outside, thunder rolls, the wind blows the window open and extinguishes the candles. Then a purple woman appears in the room and calls for Jerrica by name!
It's the ghost of Christmas past!
The purple ghost--or whatever she is--instructs Jerrica to find directions inside the earring box. Jerrica's all, "Well, let's do what this strange apparition tells us to do." So the gang gets into the Starlight Express (a big minivan) and follows the directions to an old abandoned drive-in.
If I'm not mistaken, I think there's a theme going on here. "Starlight" being the operative word.
Spooky purple ghost-woman instructs them to drive through the wall of the building. WHAT?! But they'll crash the car! Purple lady tells them "Things are not always what they seem." PAY ATTENTION TO THAT NOW. Jerrica tells her to go ahead, but Aja's all, "Hey! I'm crazy, but I'm not THAT crazy!" Jerrica tells her, "Shut up, bitch, and do what you're told. Go ahead, I have a hunch." So Aja drives the car sloooooooooowly into the building....and whaddya know?! It's MAGIC! They go through the wall and don't crash to their grisly deaths!
There's a big....computer console...thing inside that's blinking colored lights and an image of the ghostly-whatsit is on the screen.
This is Synergy, a holographic computer designed to be the ultimate audio/visual entertainment synthesizer. And Emmett Benton designed and made it all by himself. Now it's Jerrica's! And Synergy can make completely realistic holograms! Check THIS out!:
And Synergy can completely change people's appearances! Check THIS out!:
Okay, yeah, that picture doesn't do Synergy's work justice. You have to see the cartoon. She just transformed Kimber into Aja, Aja into Shana, and Shana into Kimber. But that doesn't explain why Synergy appeared in Jerrica's bedroom when her system is located here in this abandoned drive-in. Turns out those earrings are Synergy's remote micro-projectors.
Oh yeah, the girls got some other gifts from Emmett, too. Some crazy dress-up clothes...
....some musical instruments/gear, and a new car.
(Now I got the Rockin' Roadster toy a couple of years ago through eBay. My brother took one look at it and was like, "Who's that car for? The Velvet Mafia?") And if you ask me, that hood ornament screams "SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING" to me. Jerrica's amazed that her dad managed to keep Synergy, the clothes, the musical instruments and the car all a secret. (Makes me wonder why the hell he didn't just put the car and musical instruments in his will. It also makes me think Jerrica gets the whole "I'm good at keeping secrets" thing from her daddy.) Then...she gets a great idea!
The next day at the Battle of the Bands, everyone has to suffer through the Limp Lizards wailing, "My love is like bro-ken glaaaaaass...." UGH. Nobody likes the Leatherettes, either. Or the Space Cadets. But everyone looooves the Misfits. Hope those other bands decided the payoff was worth it.
Well, it's unanimous. The Misfits have this thing won. But wait! What's........THIS?!:
Dang, if a music video were made to look like this NOW, it'd just blow people's minds.
So she introduces herself and the band as Jem and the Holograms. Wowee. Original. *slow golf clap*
Eric Raymond gets his panties in a bunch. Jem has ruined the contest! He rants at them, "YOU CAN'T PLAY HERE! This contest is 'invitation only'!" Jem points off to the side and says, "Yeah, well, she invited us!" Then she fiddles with her earring and says her magical catchphrase......
"A LA PEANUT BUTTER SANDWICHES!"
Oops, wait. She whispers, "Showtime, Synergy!" Voila, a hologram of Jerrica appears to the side of the stage. Eric starts making his way through the crowd over to Jerrica to chew her a new one, so Jem jumps off the stage and runs over behind the tree where "Jerrica" is. She touches her earring again and says, "Show's over, Synergy." The hologram disappears, and she's back to being regular ol' plain-jane Jerrica Benton again. Finally, she catches up with him on the main stage.
Eric: "I will NOT tolerate this kind of interference, Jerrica!"
Jerrica: "And I will not tolerate rigged contests." Look who just got pwned.
So Eric challenges Jerrica. They both have six months to develop their bands' talent and have another Battle of the Bands. If the Misfits win, then Eric gets control of Starlight Music. If Jem and the Holograms win, then Jerrica gets the family business back.
Meanwhile, Glen Danzig has sent some lawyers over to slap Eric Raymond with a lawsuit for infringing on the name "The Misfits."
Nah, that's just Howard Sands, a big-shot movie producer. He wants to sweeten the deal. He'll offer a movie deal to the band who wins the contest, as well as a fancy new mansion to live in. Now....given the problems that Jerrica and the gang have been having with Starlight House, don't you think this is setting it up for them to win? ;)
Now the Misfits decide to start some trouble. They swipe some of Jem and the Holograms' musical instruments.
THIS is great. "Hologram" is singular, but the right way. But "Misfits" is BACKWARDS:
Craptacular animation continuity, I salute thee!
Aja notices the Misfits swiping their instruments, so they jump into the Roadster and chase 'em down.
Roxy: "Hey! They want their junk back!"
Pizzazz: "Let 'em have it!"
Here ya go! *fwing!*
And because of this, Aja loses control of the car trying to dodge the instruments being thrown at the car and nearly runs off a cliff.
Kimber: "Oh no, what are we going to do?"
Shana: "Well, we can't just stay here."
Aja: "Come on, we can climb out."
They try climbing out, and the car nearly goes over the edge with them shifting their weight. BRILLIANT idea, Aja. The girls are stuck between a rock and a hard place. Jerrica figures that Synergy is their only hope. It's going to take more than a hologram to get them out of this one.
Out of the blue, who should be driving by but Rio! Maybe a hologram CAN get the girls out of this mess! Jerrica takes one of her earrings off and projects a hologram of Jem onto the road to flag Rio down.
Here's what bothers me the most. Okay....Rio wasn't around when the girls made this big discovery about Synergy, or wasn't there when they decided, "Hey, let's crash this Battle of the Bands thing, and we'll have Jerrica as the lead singer, but she won't look like Jerrica. If she did, Eric Raymond would throw us out on our butts. We're going to disguise her with pink hair and a lot of makeup and we're going to call her 'Jem' instead." If this were the case, we wouldn't have the love triangle that makes this show what it is. We don't know where the hell Rio's been since they've been trying to fix up Starlight House. He wasn't at the Battle of the Bands earlier, either. But for some reason, Rio's like, "Hey! There's Jem!" I beg the question....how does he know who Jem is?! Hmm?! Makes me think he might have known the whole time. I don't know. It doesn't make me dislike the guy. Hell, Rio's probably my favorite character in the show. But it does make me wonder if maybe Emmett Benton might have let Rio in on some critical things before he died....
Anyway, back to the snark. The Jem-hologram informs Rio that the Rockin' Roadster is hanging on the edge of a cliff. (Nice job mentioning the "Rockin' Roadster" by name. Blatant product placement ahoy!) Rio rushes over and rescues them ALL BY HIMSELF.
Who's da man?
This little mishap managed to bring in some press for our fledgling little band!
But that wasn't the big headline. Rio rescuing the girls was the MAIN headline. ("Local Youth"? How old is Rio anyway? He don't exactly look like a gangly teenage boy to me.) Anyway, Eric Raymond is PISSED. Because of his bands shenanegans, Jem and the Holograms got a ton of free press out of it. And he's damn lucky Jerrica didn't call the police. Why? Because the Misfits swiped their instruments. That's called theft, baby. And if Jerrica had a brain, maybe she should've done just that. Sued the pants off of Eric and maybe gotten some money out of him because of it. But Jerrica's a blonde, what do you expect? (I shouldn't talk. I'm back to being a blonde.) The Misfits are all, "Big whoop, whatever, it's not our fault that Aja-chick can't drive." Eric just tells them to knock it off and leave the serious business to him. He'll make sure they win.
Pizzazz: "You'd better, because..."
Oh no, I smell another song/music video.
Man, it'd be something if life was like this. Everyone erupts into a music video when you get in the middle of a conversation.
Back at Starlight House, the girls are forking over their day's earnings from out on the streets doing hard, manual, child labor.
Lela: "Dang, girl, you're gonna have to get out there and hustle. I said THREE hundred!"
Nah, they're just putting in part of whatever little chores they do around the house into the Honor Jar. (Say it with me: "I walked Mrs. Ledger's dog!") Ashley doesn't get the concept of the Honor Jar; she must be a Starlight Noob. They're saving up money to get a new refrigerator. On top of all the other things they need new/fixed, they need a refrigerator as well. Screw Eric Raymond, for not lending Jerrica money from her FATHER'S business to take care of a dozen foster girls. He's as crooked as Rod Blagojevich.
OH YEAH. I WENT THERE. That bastard got impeached today, too.
Anyhoo, the girls only need $30 more to get that new fridge! YAY! Ashley don't care. She'd rather starve, I guess.
While Lela's shaking down the Starlight Girls for cash, Rio is downstairs diligently working at getting the power restored, bless his heart. Waaait a minute....if they have no power, how is it possible for that lightbulb to be working? MAGIC?! Or is it....a HOLOGRAM?! WoOoOoOoOo.
(Now let's remember all these nice things he does for Jerrica before she starts LYING to him.)
Speak of the devil. Jerrica comes down with a snack for the hardworking "local youth."
Which includes...wine? Woooh, you naughty girl. ;) Fuse box looks ancient, and the wiring is shot.
Jerrica: "Oh, I don't know what we'd do without you."
Rio: "Anytime you need me, Jerrica, I'll be here." (And he says this with such a sexy voice, too. *sigh* And I watched this stuff when I was six years old?! OMG scandalous!)
Rio-haters, to the left. He's a good guy, I don't get the hate.
Back at Starlight Music, Eric is calling up his hired thug, Zipper, and giving him a "job" to do. His job: break into Starlight House, rip off a few things, make Jerrica nervous. That is ALL Eric instructs him to do. Nothing more, nothing less.
Back at Starlight House, Ashley's doing some ripping-off of her own. From the Honor Jar. *shock!* But Jerrica and the gang catch her in the act. There's no room in Starlight House for girls who steal. Jerrica's not going to do anything about it, but she'll leave the punishment up to the other Starlight Girls. Sucks to be Ashley. The rest of the girls decide that she should have to raise the remaining $30 needed for the fridge that they were saving up for. She doesn't like it? Well, she should've thought about that before she tried rippin' them off.
Nighttime. Finally, an end to this crazy day. Unfortunately, the girls will have to go without power for another night. I do declare, how will they get through the night without a strong man to protect them? Rio offers to stay the night with them.
Aw, you know he just wants to get some...er, share a bed with his girlfriend.
....Semi-clothed.
...Oh hell, the guy's trying to restore your power. The LEAST you could do is put out for him, Jerrica!! *sigh* But no. She's probably on her period, so she sends him home. Hell, if Rio offered to stay the night, I wouldn't tell him no.
HAWT.
(Note how Jerrica's eye makeup changed from pink to blue. Say it with me, folks. "Crappy animation continuity, I salute thee!" "No, Holly, that was a hologram!")
Some of the Starlight Girls are spying on them making out. Jerrica sends them to bed before it gets PG-13 in here. But not before doing her best imitation of Kim Kardashian (and by that, I mean taunting them with, "Jealous?").
But when Zipper comes in and breaks in the house, Rio's red van is still sitting in the driveway. What the hell? (Once again, crappy animation continuity, I salute thee!) One of the Starlight Girls wakes Jerrica up because someone has gotten in the house. Well, what's Jerrica gonna do about it? Slap them to death? Stun him with a hologram? WoOoOoOoO.
Jerrica and the rest of her pals go downstairs to check it out. Oh yeah, Zipper's down there, stealing junk.
How inconspicuous of him to go under cover of night to rip crap off, wearing nothing to disguise his face and a big leather jacket with "ZIPPER" on the back. I mean, really. Why don't we just put a big tattoo on his face? Then again, Zipper IS a blonde...
So he's ripped stuff off from them. That's ONE check off Eric's instruction. Startle girls, make them nervous, check. The dumbass runs at Kimber, who's holding one of those hurricane oil lamps, and causes her to drop it.
The look on Kimber's face! PRICELESS!:
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"
WTF, Zipper?! Eric didn't tell you to start a freaking FIRE!
I sure hope they're insured!
See, Jerrica? Maybe you should've just let Rio stay the night.
STAY TUNED FOR THE RECAP OF "DISASTER"! Until then, stay outrageous!