i had to get this out..but you might choose not to read it.

[promised_rain]

i'm experiencing something i would rather not revisit. the hints of depression. this has happened before...in 9th grade. but i havent had these feelings in a long time. i dotn want to go into the details of why i'm feeling this way..there are lots of variables, no one thing is to be blamed. but that doesnt change the fact that when i drove home last night in the rain i was blank of emotion and had the scary idea of speeding down the wet roads. a very dangerous adventure.
i sat in my bed doing nothing for 2 hrs last night, all thelights off, w/ nothing but the rain.
am i depressing you? i should stop then. this was a bad idea....
i cant figure any thing out. i am usually do decisive, i make decisions, i look into things, i figure out myproblems. i think i'm tired of fixing everythign. i want someone else to fix my problems this time ...i want somebody to say "dont worry cate i'll figure this out" a real cop out i konw....but i'm tired. i want to be forgiven. i want to forgive, but i'm tired of the energy it takes to get to that point.
i'm an emotional person..i thrive on emotions and what they do to ppl. but right now...i want simple answers to everything. i want it all to be straight forward...fuck emotions fuck what they do to me fuck what they cause
fuck misunderstandings fuck miscommunication. fuck me.