buzz buzz
it's a problem how pathetic i feel. i can't seem to be productive, and to escape how lonely i've been feeling i choose to nap or waste time on the internet. the problem is i'm not busy yet. i know it will happen soon enough, and then i'll be thinking back to these first few days of my last semester as an undergraduate where i went out on monday, thursday, and friday of one week and got sloppy and danced.
this isn't what i want to be writing about. if i could summon something worthwhile, maybe it'd be a poem. i haven't written a poem in what feels like ages. i'm feeling this desperate need for connection. my self worth is on the line here, and i haven't been able to discover why. i feel precarious, as if one small nudge will send me over the edge into nothingness, or craziness. i don't want to actively take anything for granted. i've been alive long enough to know that bad things often happen to good people. this is doubled with the knowledge that i should stay in tonight and study for the mcats or start working on my capstone, but i am going to go out to DC9 with rachel and be ridiculous, because that's all i feel capable of presently. also, my sloppy drinking world is a happy one, and though a part of me acknowledges that i'm using it to escape from annoying realities, it's an attractive distraction and one i haven't yet grown out of in four years of college.
i'm hungry. the kitchen is dirty and i didn't make the mess, which makes it even less fun to clean. this sucks.
this isn't what i want to be writing about. if i could summon something worthwhile, maybe it'd be a poem. i haven't written a poem in what feels like ages. i'm feeling this desperate need for connection. my self worth is on the line here, and i haven't been able to discover why. i feel precarious, as if one small nudge will send me over the edge into nothingness, or craziness. i don't want to actively take anything for granted. i've been alive long enough to know that bad things often happen to good people. this is doubled with the knowledge that i should stay in tonight and study for the mcats or start working on my capstone, but i am going to go out to DC9 with rachel and be ridiculous, because that's all i feel capable of presently. also, my sloppy drinking world is a happy one, and though a part of me acknowledges that i'm using it to escape from annoying realities, it's an attractive distraction and one i haven't yet grown out of in four years of college.
i'm hungry. the kitchen is dirty and i didn't make the mess, which makes it even less fun to clean. this sucks.