(no subject)
something i found from the spring:
I am certain that between this tiny moment in time and when I wake up tomorrow the feeling will have not yet worn off. I feel so many things, but really, I understand none of them. I feel the unfinished business and unspoken words being stirred around by all this restlessness that I cannot seem to shake. I feel younger now than I've felt in a while. Maybe I even feel capable, which is a bit of a diversion from the norm. I am not the same from day to day, year to year, minute to minute. But what is consistent is that one thread of passion and desire woven through my very core to which I hold like it's the last thing I've got. Because really, I just want to live. I crave to find the beautiful parts of ugly things, especially myself. I want to embrace myself and what skills I possess, that I might go so far as to call talents. But really I just want to fulfill some unknown and mysterious dream that lies dormant, buried beneath my darkest and most absurd thoughts; occasionally I feel it stretch and roll over, causing a rumbling which begins to slowly shake down all the walls I've constructed to keep it from controlling me. Really I'm just a bit confused with a big imagination and more passion that I honestly know what to do with. I am growing, expanding, and taking on a new shape now. I am louder now, I am slower now, I am thicker and larger and so textured that you might get lost in the mire of my existence, whatever that might be. I appreciate things that I try especially hard to find. Small things like blinks and sighs and the edge of some secret thought that makes itself known to me in rather backward and inattentive ways. I am delightfully and disastrously curious about the way things work, but I am scared of truths, at least the absolute ones. I am made up of little moments all strung together. I am composed of the people I have loved and who have loved me back. The greatest mystery is how anyone might ever truly know someone else. In fact I think it's an impossible feat, since no one could ever hope to know all the small moments that are constantly redefining and shaping someone.
I am on fire.
I am certain that between this tiny moment in time and when I wake up tomorrow the feeling will have not yet worn off. I feel so many things, but really, I understand none of them. I feel the unfinished business and unspoken words being stirred around by all this restlessness that I cannot seem to shake. I feel younger now than I've felt in a while. Maybe I even feel capable, which is a bit of a diversion from the norm. I am not the same from day to day, year to year, minute to minute. But what is consistent is that one thread of passion and desire woven through my very core to which I hold like it's the last thing I've got. Because really, I just want to live. I crave to find the beautiful parts of ugly things, especially myself. I want to embrace myself and what skills I possess, that I might go so far as to call talents. But really I just want to fulfill some unknown and mysterious dream that lies dormant, buried beneath my darkest and most absurd thoughts; occasionally I feel it stretch and roll over, causing a rumbling which begins to slowly shake down all the walls I've constructed to keep it from controlling me. Really I'm just a bit confused with a big imagination and more passion that I honestly know what to do with. I am growing, expanding, and taking on a new shape now. I am louder now, I am slower now, I am thicker and larger and so textured that you might get lost in the mire of my existence, whatever that might be. I appreciate things that I try especially hard to find. Small things like blinks and sighs and the edge of some secret thought that makes itself known to me in rather backward and inattentive ways. I am delightfully and disastrously curious about the way things work, but I am scared of truths, at least the absolute ones. I am made up of little moments all strung together. I am composed of the people I have loved and who have loved me back. The greatest mystery is how anyone might ever truly know someone else. In fact I think it's an impossible feat, since no one could ever hope to know all the small moments that are constantly redefining and shaping someone.
I am on fire.