(no subject)
it's easy to wish for a life without sadness. but how can you appreciate what happiness is? i wish i had been able to look into the future when this began. i wish i hadn't been so ready to invest emotions and time into something that when it reached fruition was just, not even there. there is a palpable cloud of bitterness around each of my thoughts. i can't really see a bright side other than that this is life and mistakes are made, right? you learn from them, that's all. it's easy really. you make mistakes, you learn, you make mistakes, and so forth. so here we are, stuck in this eternal up and down of happy one day, miserable the next. is that really all there is? i can't accept that.
i am sick and tired of needing things. i don't want to have to depend on anyone to satisfy my emotional needs. it's a nuisance. i feel so angry. i don't know why really. i think i knew this. i think i had to have realized that things aren't measurable to the way they are designed in my head.
i pushed the snack cart to day on 7 irving. there was a french woman and i got a small rush when i successfully spoke with her in french. sure it's not perfect, but i can communicate. that's got to be worth something. maybe understanding people in france won't be so difficult.
i don't want a body right now. i want to shed my body and be exactly what it is i feel like being. i didn't choose to be a person. i think that's a sign that free will is a whole bunch of crap. i want to be purple but i can't. i want to explore the universe and the depths of the ocean but i can't. because i'm a shmuck with skin and two arms and two legs and a symmetrical body and lungs that need air to breathe who cannot be anything more than what i was born as. a person. who has to function within a society and follow a schedule and live according to the standards that other people have established for me. what's that saying..do the best with what you've got..well it sounds like crap to me. it sounds like complacency. so what is life then, anyway? it's meeting people, it's leaving those people and meeting new ones. it's choosing to accomplish things or to sit back and wait for things to happen that might directly affect you. it's growing old and having your body break down while your mind continues to be challenged to reach new levels of understanding. it's everything, or nothing.
can i bring you back to me? i don't know. i don't know if i should forgive myself for forgiving you. what i do know is that i'm ridiculous and confused and wasting time by writing stupid shit that doesn't really mean anything anyway.
i am sick and tired of needing things. i don't want to have to depend on anyone to satisfy my emotional needs. it's a nuisance. i feel so angry. i don't know why really. i think i knew this. i think i had to have realized that things aren't measurable to the way they are designed in my head.
i pushed the snack cart to day on 7 irving. there was a french woman and i got a small rush when i successfully spoke with her in french. sure it's not perfect, but i can communicate. that's got to be worth something. maybe understanding people in france won't be so difficult.
i don't want a body right now. i want to shed my body and be exactly what it is i feel like being. i didn't choose to be a person. i think that's a sign that free will is a whole bunch of crap. i want to be purple but i can't. i want to explore the universe and the depths of the ocean but i can't. because i'm a shmuck with skin and two arms and two legs and a symmetrical body and lungs that need air to breathe who cannot be anything more than what i was born as. a person. who has to function within a society and follow a schedule and live according to the standards that other people have established for me. what's that saying..do the best with what you've got..well it sounds like crap to me. it sounds like complacency. so what is life then, anyway? it's meeting people, it's leaving those people and meeting new ones. it's choosing to accomplish things or to sit back and wait for things to happen that might directly affect you. it's growing old and having your body break down while your mind continues to be challenged to reach new levels of understanding. it's everything, or nothing.
can i bring you back to me? i don't know. i don't know if i should forgive myself for forgiving you. what i do know is that i'm ridiculous and confused and wasting time by writing stupid shit that doesn't really mean anything anyway.