(no subject)
Needles
Pairing: Addie/Pete
Rating: PG-13? NC-17?
Summary: after the stairwell-kiss...
This is just try-out, I still love Addisex, but they're pretty much gone, right?
*****
Needles
*****
Were her hands sweating? Her forehead was, she was sure of that. She swallowed, hard, and peaked through the curtains. There he was. There had not been a single part of her, that had thought that she would have ended up kissing some stranger in the stairwell.
But it had happened.
And it had felt good. Weird, but good weird. She turned around, and stared at the empty hallway in front of her. This was L.A. This was new, this was her future.
Okay, back to Pete. The kiss had made her forget all about Alex Karev, but just for a few seconds as the shivers had sparked through her whole body. Now she remembered him, Alex, her cocky intern, and the quickie in the on-call room. Had it been worth it? It had been all she had dreamed of for months, but when they had done it…
She really had to think whether it had been worth it.
She had hoped for something more, and yes, he was a lot younger than her, but she was getting older each day, and she needed someone with her. Being alone in this world had never been one of her good features, she had never made it alone.
She had chosen Mark instead of being alone. Who does that?
As she stood there, outside of Pete’s office, she caught her reflection in one of the glass-doors in front of her. She didn’t look the way she had looked when she had come to L.A. She was now wearing a Nike-jumper, which was way too big for her, but it was comfortable, and then the jeans… The only pair of jeans she owned.
But maybe she was good enough. Maybe Pete didn’t care what she looked like as long as she was she, considering he had stood there and listened to her egg-breakdown. That had to mean something.
“Why you hiding out there?” she heard him ask from inside his office. She shook her head, smiled, and opened the door, slowly walking inside and closing the door behind her.
“Hey”, she mumbled and looked a little embarrassed.
“Well, the Prada-bitch does own some regular clothes too”, he joked and took a long look at her.
“That’s not funny.”
“I’m sorry”, he said, and put down the folders he had been holding in his hands. He raised his eyebrows as he saw her troubled face, and then he took a few steps towards her. “Are you okay?”
“No.” Easy answer, and a true one. How should she continue? “I, um, am feeling this… rush of emotions, inside of me, and I don’t like it. The thing you did earlier today…”
“The kiss?”
“No, the needle-thing… It was horrible. It helped, but the feeling was horrible cos I didn’t wanna let the feelings take over and… Wow, I’m really rambling.”
“Just breathe.”
“Breathe”, she laughed. “Right, okay. I just… I need help, okay? I just… I feel like I’m being pushed inside this box, and I’m claustrophobic…” Now it really sounded weird. “I need to release these pressure I have inside of me.”
“Release… pressure… hm, I wonder how we can do that”, Pete said and laughed, and Addison realized what he was thinking about.
“Pete, no, I meant in a doctor-patient-way”, she said and started smiling. “Can you do a less painful needle-trick or something?”
“Well, I think my needles are running out, but I can always offer a stick”, he said and turned around to hide his amused face.
Addison felt the anger rising up in her, but she couldn’t help but smile. Pete was funny, he made her laugh, not feel hurt like Alex did. But still, he had asked her a question. “No, no stick, needles, N-E-E-D-L-E-S.”
“Fine, I have a few left, but you’re gonna have to explain this to my eight-o’clock patient tomorrow, who’s gonna be left without needles.”
“Well, I won’t be here then, but whatever”, she mumbled and took a few steps towards the white table, which she had rested on earlier today.
“Wanna take your shirt off this time?” he asked and cocked an eyebrow.
“No”, she said and smiled, and she saw his disappointment. “Okay, fine, but I have a top beneath this thing, and that’ll have to do.”
“That’ll do”, he said and raised his hands to take off her jumper, and she lifted her arms and he slid it off her. Now she stood there, left in her baggy jeans and white tank-top. “Lie down on the table, on your stomach.”
“Jesus…”, she mumbled and did as he said. It didn’t feel comfortable, she liked to lie on her back instead, but she was following the doctor’s orders. “What are you gonna do?”
“Needles”, he said and smiled. He showed her a box, which was full of white, small needles, and she felt her breath caught in her throat.
“That’s gonna hurt.”
“No, it won’t, it’s phantom pain, Addison”, he said and took one needle and placed it between her shoulder-blades. She screamed and he couldn’t help but shake his head and look down at her. “You’re silly.”
“I’m in pain”, she mumbled and grabbed the table she was laying on with her palms. “Oh my god, this is suicide.”
Three more needles into her shoulders.
“Shit”, she mumbled and banged her head against the table.
“You need to relax, woman.” He placed a needle into her neck and she almost jumped up. “Okay, I mean it, I’m gonna tie you up if you don’t follow my orders.”
Somehow the thought of him tying her up turned her on, but she hid it and bit her teeth together.
“Oh come on, did that really make you think of *that*?” he asked and smiled proudly.
“How the hell did you know that?!” she asked, realizing too late that she actually had admitted that she was a little turned on.
“Body language.”
“Of course”, she mumbled and covered her face. “This is a bad idea.”
“Don’t try to get up, otherwise the needles will rip your skin and you’re gonna start bleeding… a lot”, he said, scaring her.
“Fine, fine, okay, I’m good, it’s fine”, she mumbled and tried to relax. “What now?”
“Now you wait”, he said. “I’m gonna go and get some coffee so -”
“No, please, I think it’s better if you stay”, she whispered and reached out, grabbing his arm as he was about to walk out the door.
“Why?”
“Because I already feel so alone, and I don’t wanna feel like that… here”, she answered and looked at him with pleading eyes. “Please, Pete, just stay for awhile.”
“Fine”, he said, smiling, and pulled a chair close to the table. He sat down, and she turned her face towards him. He sat there, his hands in a prayer, and she lay still, breathing in and out.
“I don’t feel anything”, she mumbled.
“Just give it some time.”
“Will you talk to me during this?”
“If you want me to.”
“You gotta help me. I feel terrible.”
“Because?”
“Because I did something. Or actually it wasn’t me, I think it was someone else, but it turned all of this into something much bigger, something I can’t handle.”
“What?”
She swallowed. “I fell in love with my intern.”
Pete didn’t say anything. He didn’t know what to say, he rubbed his hands together, looked down, and then looked at Addison, who, ashamed, managed to look straight into his eyes. “Okay.”
Addison looked surprised. “What? That’s it? No are-you-crazy or what-the-hell’s-wrong-with-you?”
“No, nothing like that”, he said and looked at her, not with pity in his eyes, but with understanding. “We can’t help who we fall in love with.”
“Yep, that’s for sure.” God. “I expected something more of him, and he chickened out and now I’m like… me, again, alone, heartbroken, feeling like a piece of shit, like I’m beneath the fungus or something…”
Pete laughed.
“It’s not funny!” she laughed herself. “It’s awful.”
“I know, I’ve been there. So are you beneath the fungus or the pack of crap on the bottom of the ocean?”
If Addison would have had something to throw at him she would have, but she didn’t.
“Okay, I’ll let this go. Are you feeling anything?”
“No.” She swallowed. “Yes.”
“What?”
“Like I’m gonna start crying. Again. Damn, my tear ducts are really going through hell today.”
“Well, let go.”
“What?”
“Just cry out.”
“Look, I can’t, cos then I’ll feel like shit.”
“You said you needed to release the pressure.”
“I don’t know what kinda pressure I’m feeling, that’s the problem.”
“You’ve got to give up.”
She looked at him with tears in her eyes, feeling so vulnerable.
“Just give up, Addison”, he said and leaned towards her. Not to kiss her, but to have some connection with her. “Give up.”
“Oh god”, she mumbled as the tears started running down her cheeks and she turned her head the other way. The tears burned her, hard, and she felt that piece in her throat, the one that made her sob all over again, the one that kept her from stopping.
“Just let it all out.” He didn’t feel uncomfortable, seeing his patients cry it all out, but this was Addison, his soon-to-be-co-worker. Okay, he didn’t feel uncomfortable, but he felt weird, seeing her so broken. He knew it was because of the needles, but one couldn’t cry like that without feeling a lot of mental pain.
“Oh my god, I’m pond scum”, she cried and stared at the wall in front of her with eyes full of salty tears, which made their way down her cheeks into the corners of her mouth. “How do I get myself into these situations!?! I’m too weak, it isn’t healthy, I knew he didn’t want anything serious, it was just sex and all, how could I have been so stupid?!”
He wondered what he’d answer. “You weren’t stupid, Addison, you just… had great expectations, you had… plans.”
“Plans, yeah, hell, I didn’t see us in a house in some kind of Westchester or something, I didn’t see us with four kids and a dog, I just saw some kind of future!”
“That’s okay.”
“No, that’s daydreaming.”
“Fine.”
“Wow, you don’t say much do you when you see women cry?” she asked and wiped away a few tears.
“Look, I can see women cry, but you -”, he started, but stopped when he saw her killing look. “I didn’t mean it like that, obviously you’re a woman, right, but I just meant that… well, it’s horrible, seeing you cry like that.”
“Really?”
“Really.”
“Well you asked for it!”
He laughed and leaned a little closer, carefully pulling one of her red straps of hair behind her left ear. “I just think you should, you know, concentrate on the future you have here and forget all about this intern, who obviously doesn’t care about you enough to fulfill your wishes of a future with him.”
“You think so?” she whispered, and sobbed.
“Yes. I really do.”
She didn’t even realize that he had moved closer, he was now just a few inches away from her face, and she felt bare, on the table, totally at his mercy, but he would never hurt her, not in any way. That much she knew. Her breath quickened as his dark gaze caught her eyes and kept them there, connected to his.
“What do I do?” she asked, her voice shaking, tears starting to dry on her cheeks, leaving marks in her make-up.
His gaze turned sad, like his eyes said that they wanted to help. “You give up.”
“How?” she mumbled. “I can’t… I just can’t leave my past behind me, I have to go back there and deal with it, explain it to him, to them, to Derek and Mark and everyone else, to Richard… they won’t understand this.”
“It’s not up to them”, he said, and smiled again, warming her up. “Whether they choose to support you or not, you have control over your actions. It’s not up to them, what you do, but it’s up to them to decide whether to support your new life or not.”
“I gotta wise up, right?” she asked, hoping for the answer she desperately needed to hear. “And grow up.”
“You just gotta look at yourself in the mirror and realize that this is you and you have control over you. Right now you feel helpless, you don’t want to fight, you just want it all to go away, but it won’t, and no one else can make it go away, except for you.”
“I think it would be easier to just… you know, as you said, give up.”
“But that’s not the kind of giving up I’m talking about.”
“I know.” Her gaze dropped to his lips, and suddenly she felt the need to be held, to be kissed, to be connected to another person… like she had with Derek before their troubles started.
“Good”, he said, following her gaze, but to her lips.
“Yeah”, she whispered, not realizing that she was the one leaning closer, trying to close the gap between them, like he had in the stairwell. Did he back away? No, he was leaning closer too, but suddenly she stopped, and almost pulled back. She was having a flashback, a flashback from Alex and her.
“Yell at me, yell at me, yell at me.” The words echoed in her head as she pushed Alex back into the on-call room and kicked the door closed behind them, she was doing it, leaning into him, clothes shredding, gone, doing it.
Pete’s lips softly brushed against hers and she caught her breath, pulling back a little.
“Did I hurt you?” he asked softly, realizing he was almost kneeling in front of the table, close to her.
“I don’t know, no, I…”, she mumbled, not knowing what she was saying. When she closed her eyes and shook her head quickly she saw Alex Karev, when she opened her eyes she saw Pete.
“Let’s try it again”, he whispered and leaned closer, ripping out Addison’s needles at the same time so that she could sit up, feeling more comfortable than laying on the table, kissing him.
Again Pete’s lips were on hers, but she kept her eyes open, answering the kiss, trying to analyze herself at the same time. Did she want this? The needles disappearing so quickly made a rush of emotions run through her body, and suddenly she found herself sobbing, reaching for Pete’s shoulders, pulling him closer.
He stood up, and she sat up, closing her thighs around his legs as he kissed her softly, his hands brushing through her red hair, kissing her more deeply with every bite.
Addison finally closed her eyes and let herself sink into the kiss, letting Pete take over, take over her, make her feel better, and now she reached for his neck, keeping him close to her.
“How’s that?” he whispered as he broke the kiss, their foreheads resting against each other.
“It’s good”, she answered. “Warm. Safe.”
He kissed her again, softer, smoothly, fulfilling her wishes, making her gasp for air but want more. But this was all he was gonna give her. No matter what Addison said, she was vulnerable, and he was not about to take advantage of her when she was like this.
Addison didn’t realize that and she reached for the hem of his shirt, trying to pull it over his head, but he grabbed her arms and gently put them down, making her open her eyes and look at him, surprised.
“What?” she asked, looking at him.
“I’m not gonna let you hurt yourself again”, he said, trying to smile and be serious at the same time.
“Come on, I know you’re not gonna hurt me…”
“That’s right, I won’t, but you will if you try to seduce me like this. A kiss is fine, but sleeping with someone else isn’t gonna make you get over your intern.”
Addison cocked her head and raised her eyebrows, now feeling disappointed. “In other words, you don’t want me to take advantage of you.”
“No, I really wouldn’t mind that”, he said, making her laugh. “But I know you’re gonna feel terrible afterwards, cos in your head you’re seeing your intern… And you’re gonna feel like you used me, and I don’t want you to do that. So…”
“So…?”
“So…”, he said, leaning in and capturing her lips again, kissing her deeper, still a little softer, his hands sneaking up around her body, her back, keeping her close, her thighs pressed into his legs, keeping him still, in a hard grip, but then he pulled back, looked at her, and kissed her on her left cheek. “So, you’re gonna have to wait.”
She shook her head, smiled, and looked up at him. “You’re amazing. Or then I’m just… not desirable.”
“Oh hell no, I would rip of all your clothes right now… if I hadn’t known how hurt you were inside.” He had feared saying that sentence, but she wasn’t offended or anything, cos she knew it was true.
“Okay”, she said, crossing her legs as he backed away. “Pete -”
“Yeah?” he asked, taking a piece of paper, which obviously was a recipe, and then a pen, starting to write.
Yeah? Yeah. She got up quietly, coming towards him, then leaning in and giving him a soft, breath-taking kiss. “Thank you.”
He swallowed, looked around, then looked at her, not knowing what to do cos he felt shivers down his spine. “Oh. Sure. You’re welcome.”
She gave him one of her brightest smiles, turned around, put on her jumper and started walking towards the door. “I’ll be in Seattle for awhile, and then I’ll be back. Buy some needles for your eight-o’clock patient.”
“I will”, he said and smiled unconsciously, seeing her turn around and give him an even brighter smile as she closed the door. He breathed out, looked around himself again, and then realized he had to sit down. She was really… everything Los Angeles-girls were not.
Exactly what he needed. And wanted. And had been looking for.
She leaned against the elevator-wall, seeing different numbers light up, and she closed her eyes, taking deep breaths. “Yes.” She almost laughed. “Thank you.”
*****
So... I killed Addisex, okay, I admit it!!!
Comments would still be nice, your opinion is important ;)