this one's for you baby
Ok, so go on... keep complaining i don't post any " real " journal entrys, I let a lot go i guess and a lot more goes into my " real " journal that I tend to keep private, after reading Ashley's journal I gotta throw some stuff down, for the record, for the goodness of my mental health. Whatever meaning you would like to attach to my motives for posting my writing, my love, and my life..
here it goes.
Worst thing you can ever do in your life besides hurt the ones you love, is get involved with someone you work with, sure it seems amazing at first, doesn't anything? life is what you make of it, and after the newness wears off, you ethier make it work, or you don't. There's effort, then there is realizing what's not going to be in your deck of cards.
It doesnt matter whos fault it is, its nobodys fault in my opinion anyway, but I realize a lot of you folks wanna go ahead and assign blame, well okay. Assign it to me, I am the jerk, the asshole, the one who's left in tears in the rain.. the one who's just digging for some pity here.. I mean really, what kinda human being perpetuates such hate and hostility? I can't even write a poem or sing a song without her thinking it's about her.. I can't even breathe without her being all over me. Life's so slanted when she's not around, but it's a better life.. cause now i can breathe.. now i can figure out who I am, without having to worry about meeting her expectations of kids, marriage, family life, togetherness, I am simply not even half way there yet, I am still a kid myself.
Ashley has many amazing qualities, a lot of flaws too, much like anyone who lives and breathes and is defined as " human " the lives we lead are totally different, the goals we have are not the same, our interests are hit and miss.. and so for the third worst thing you can do in life. It's, get involved with someone you work with, break up, then date the girl they suggest, while they're still friends. Of all the dumb things i've accomplished in my life, this is top 5 matireal, not to say i regret knowing her and trying to work things out... It's that i regret how deep we got, and how fast it got that deep, man.. the second i met her. I was already in a relationship, she's just that kinda person, there's not much middle ground, and you better believe her ideas and opinions of you will change faster then the winds move the clouds, life is this imaginary turbine of emotional energy, creating lust and hate.I've never met someone who crafts both emotions so extremely and so quickly.. You can tell im more serious minded, maybe a bit less care-free, cause my focus right now is on getting to where i ant to. So, she has her flaws, but admist all of this, i would take 90% of perfection then 100% of nothing, you can wait around for the " perfect " girl or guy all you want, and you can even believe in perfection, but for every error and everytime you fall. it'll just show you life can't be shortcutted or left to fate. you gotta cut your own breaks, make your own way.
Eventually we went around and around in circles enough to end contact, I have emotional break downs.. I have deep feelings, Man. I am so sensitive to the world around me, cause all i do is write about it.. I have ever since I was a little boy. I imagined myself to be so much farther then I actually am right now, and for right now. I gotta be self-involved.
All of the "im sorry's " have been said, everything we've felt stated, we won't be friends, we'll be cordial sure, but not " friends " cause she will not be my friend, she ethier wants it all or nothing at all. I have no say in that choice, So i don't bother to interfere or argue that choice.
Get my education, get my life, get out of here. Live free or die.
I hope this is what you wanted, cause this is what you're getting.
here it goes.
Worst thing you can ever do in your life besides hurt the ones you love, is get involved with someone you work with, sure it seems amazing at first, doesn't anything? life is what you make of it, and after the newness wears off, you ethier make it work, or you don't. There's effort, then there is realizing what's not going to be in your deck of cards.
It doesnt matter whos fault it is, its nobodys fault in my opinion anyway, but I realize a lot of you folks wanna go ahead and assign blame, well okay. Assign it to me, I am the jerk, the asshole, the one who's left in tears in the rain.. the one who's just digging for some pity here.. I mean really, what kinda human being perpetuates such hate and hostility? I can't even write a poem or sing a song without her thinking it's about her.. I can't even breathe without her being all over me. Life's so slanted when she's not around, but it's a better life.. cause now i can breathe.. now i can figure out who I am, without having to worry about meeting her expectations of kids, marriage, family life, togetherness, I am simply not even half way there yet, I am still a kid myself.
Ashley has many amazing qualities, a lot of flaws too, much like anyone who lives and breathes and is defined as " human " the lives we lead are totally different, the goals we have are not the same, our interests are hit and miss.. and so for the third worst thing you can do in life. It's, get involved with someone you work with, break up, then date the girl they suggest, while they're still friends. Of all the dumb things i've accomplished in my life, this is top 5 matireal, not to say i regret knowing her and trying to work things out... It's that i regret how deep we got, and how fast it got that deep, man.. the second i met her. I was already in a relationship, she's just that kinda person, there's not much middle ground, and you better believe her ideas and opinions of you will change faster then the winds move the clouds, life is this imaginary turbine of emotional energy, creating lust and hate.I've never met someone who crafts both emotions so extremely and so quickly.. You can tell im more serious minded, maybe a bit less care-free, cause my focus right now is on getting to where i ant to. So, she has her flaws, but admist all of this, i would take 90% of perfection then 100% of nothing, you can wait around for the " perfect " girl or guy all you want, and you can even believe in perfection, but for every error and everytime you fall. it'll just show you life can't be shortcutted or left to fate. you gotta cut your own breaks, make your own way.
Eventually we went around and around in circles enough to end contact, I have emotional break downs.. I have deep feelings, Man. I am so sensitive to the world around me, cause all i do is write about it.. I have ever since I was a little boy. I imagined myself to be so much farther then I actually am right now, and for right now. I gotta be self-involved.
All of the "im sorry's " have been said, everything we've felt stated, we won't be friends, we'll be cordial sure, but not " friends " cause she will not be my friend, she ethier wants it all or nothing at all. I have no say in that choice, So i don't bother to interfere or argue that choice.
Get my education, get my life, get out of here. Live free or die.
I hope this is what you wanted, cause this is what you're getting.