fic: Shifting Currents (1/2)
Title: Shifting Currents
Beta: pinkeuphoria1
Pairing: Natsu/Hiroto [+ Natsu/Asako and Hiroto/Nao]
Rating: R
Genre: Angst, Darkfic, Romance
Warnings: Sex, controversial situations, violence and an unfortunate delusional condition called Capgras syndrome. Also, Natsu being… Natsu.
Notes: Originally written for kattunberry as a part of kizuna_exchange 2012 (here). I apologize if the disorder is incorrectly portrayed or unclear (finding information about it online turned out to be a real challenge).
Word count: 11,300
Summary: In order to overcome unacceptable changes in life, two threads begin to loosely but daintily get tangled together.
He stares blankly at the laptop screen in front of him, a bottle of single malt whiskey hanging loosely from his fingers. His mouth hangs open, drunk as he is, and the sound of pleasured cries echoes silently in the small apartment. There’s a rock hard cock pushing in and out of that sweet cocoon and Natsu can’t really tell if he’s aroused or not. The shock and the shadows that lure somewhere in his mind are enough to keep him stilled, and his own pride between his legs is only partially swollen, as if it would be just as confused as he is.
“Fuck you,” he slurs at the woman on the screen he used to adore so strongly for such a long time. Asako. “Fuck you.”
What’s ridiculous is that this isn’t the first time this has happened. What’s the fun of porn anyway, when you come across people you’d really rather not watch fucking others? He can’t really comprehend this, that this woman whose mere existence has brought him comfort and anxiety, is displayed on the screen in front of him. It’s likely that she has no idea about the recording, but it does make him snort bitterly - even he wouldn’t have been that disrespectful. Asako just liked judging him all along.
The video comes to a stop. He takes another big gulp of the brown liquid from the bottle, tries to simply focus on the burning sensation in his chest. The world is spinning just a little bit. He feels groggy as he hugs one of his legs against his chest and tries to sort out his thoughts.
All that he’s really able to feel is that this kills all his sexual urges. It’s happened before - he actually used to be bisexual all the way back in high school, until he found a sex tape of this ex-boyfriend he had gone through a nasty breakup with. After that he hasn’t really been able to look at men the same way again. Something about them makes him angry, bitter and uncaring. This feeling now, he thinks, is a prelude to the same kind of thing.
He downloads the video from the site, mumbling curse words to himself with a quiet voice. He’s done with women for the time being. From now on, he’s just going to shake the mere thought of them off his head.
His hollow laughter cuts the silence. Life is plain ridiculous.
--
There’s a man at the bar, drunkenly hunched up on his stool, half of his face pressed against his hand. Natsu is looking at him from afar - he’s got quite an attractive face, and from what he’s learned through the years, the drunken ones are usually the easy ones. Natsu’s leg is fidgeting. He’s tapping it unconsciously with his fingers, eager to go after the fish. He could. He hasn’t done this in a while, the odds in this place aren’t exactly the best, but truthfully said, he doesn’t really care either.
Some girl is just about to approach him when he jumps to his feet, brushes by her and heads towards the drunken man who pays no heed to him. The man has ended up pressing both of his palms against his face, elbows resting against the dark marble counter. He’s a pathetic sight. He kind of reminds Natsu of what he sees in the mirror.
“You look like you could call it a night,” he notes as he hops on the stool next to the man and waves his hand at the bartender. “Tequila, please~”
The man groans drunkenly, moves one hand away and cracks his eye open just a bit to peer at him. His eyes look a bit foggy and he’s certainly out of it. Natsu smirks as the bartender stops before them to pour him his glass of tequila, all the while yelling something at someone on the other end of the bar counter.
“I… don’t really…” the man slurs and squeezes his eyes shut again - Natsu sympathizes with the splitting headache and nausea. He pats the man’s shoulder briskly and leans over, feeling risky and lucky.
“Hmm? I can’t really make out what you’re saying,” Natsu overrules the man’s attempt of speaking. “It’s okay, you don’t have to be articulate with me. I’d just get a headache.”
The man gags and almost falls off his stool in an attempt to put some distance between them. Natsu grabs his arm and keeps him upright. “Easy now.” The man is wide-eyed and he really looks slightly panicky, like he wouldn’t be able to tell which way is the floor and which way, the ceiling. Natsu smirks.
“You,” the bartender interrupts them before he gets the chance to open his mouth again. “Have your shot and take your buddy home. We don’t need him puking all over the floors.”
“’m fine,” the man tries to insist but Natsu snakes his arm around him, hands the pay over to the bartender, downs his tequila in one go without the salt, bites down on the lime and doesn’t mind that the night is over. The man squirms in his hold but he’s unsteady on his feet, all wobbly and stumbling. Natsu ruffles his hair a little.
“I’ll take you home. You’ve got all your stuff with you? Or something in the cloakroom?”
“Nothing…”
“Good,” Natsu hums and drags him towards the exit. The man is sluggish and his wrist feels a bit bony in Natsu’s hand, but the slight bumps of his muscles press against the fabric of his t-shirt. He smells vile, like way too much alcohol and cigarettes for one night, but there’s also a pleasant scent of flowery shampoo in his hair. Natsu wonders if he has a woman somewhere.
They barely make it around the corner of the club when the man finally heaves, his vomit dripping on the sidewalk. Natsu groans and keeps pulling him along. When they make it to the main street, there should be plenty of taxis around. He’s never going to get this man home on his own.
“What’s your name?” he asks the man who just peers at him in confusion, eyes averting. “Name,” he keeps insisting, sighing deep. “Who are you?”
“…Kanzaki…”
“Kanzaki, huh.” Natsu purses his lips and nods in understanding. He sniffs a bit at the cold and brushes his nose with his knuckles, fidgeting a bit, but it makes the man stumble so he stops it almost as soon as he starts. “Given name?”
“Hiroto,” the man groans silently and squeezes his eyes shut. Surprisingly, it doesn’t make his walking any worse.
“I’m Takasugi Natsu,” he chatters. “I’ll take you home with me.”
Kanzaki almost trips against a missing tile of the pavement and seems to miss his statement completely. His fist tightens around the fabric of Natsu’s hoodie stretched across his broad back. It makes Natsu’s hair stand erect. It’s been a while since he’s been hitting on a man.
“You’re too easy,” he scoffs. Kanzaki mumbles something vague, probably already completely at a loss with the conversation Natsu keeps up by himself. Cute. Natsu briefly wonders what he’s like when he’s sober. Now the man is barely able to function, never mind showing some character.
He waves his arm to stop a cab for him and helps Kanzaki in first, buckles him up and listens to the driver’s long sigh and silent mutter about drunk people. When he’s circled around and hopped on himself, the car leaves the parking lane.
“Your friend better not puke in the car. Where to?” the driver snarls while loudly chewing gum. Natsu gives him the directions and returns his attention back to his prey, who’s resting his forehead against the chilly surface of the window.
He rests his hand gently on the man’s shoulder. “Hey, don’t pass out, okay?”
Kanzaki only groans as an answer and looks ill. Natsu holds his hand and watches the lamp-posts that keep rushing by. The driver is giving them judging looks from the rear-view mirror as he probably keeps an eye on Kanzaki’s state of nausea. Natsu kind of gets that. He wouldn’t want the putrid stench in the car he has to constantly drive either.
It takes them a while to arrive at the apartment building where Natsu resides in. After the pay, the cab leaves them standing alone at the curb, Kanzaki leaning on him, looking more out of it than before. He’s clearly passed the point where it’s just easier to sober up a little.
“Where…?”
“My apartment. Like hell you’d get home in this condition,” Natsu answers his unfinished question and starts dragging him towards the doors. Kanzaki mutters an embarrassed “thank you” at him and seems to do his best to sober up. His eyes stay open better now, although the look in them is still glassy.
They stumble out of the elevator, to Natsu’s apartment. Natsu removes their shoes while Kanzaki almost trips over before standing up again and then Natsu’s pulling the man close by slipping his hands in his jean’s back pockets, and kisses him. Kanzaki tastes like beer, a fair amount of it, and his mouth is clammy and tastes vile. Natsu grimaces as he withdraws. “You need some water.”
“Mmh…”
“Wait here, I’ll get you a glass,” he offers and watches the man slide down the front door to sit on the floor, holding his head in his hands. Natsu doubts he’s very aware of what goes around him. He heads to the kitchen, fills a tall glass with fresh water and returns, helping the rim of the glass to Kanzaki’s dry lips. “Drink up.”
The man does, greedily. He downs the glass in two goes before slumping back against the door, his head hanging limply over his shoulder. Natsu brushes some hair off his face and presses a peck on his cheek, feels Kanzaki grimace in confusion.
“Bathroom…”
“You feel ill?” Natsu enquires and Kanzaki shakes his head a little in refusal, but he doesn’t look too sure with his expression. Natsu chuckles as he leaves the man standing in front of the toilet, wobbly and strained. “Sure you can aim?” he mocks and Kanzaki brushes him off. “I’ll get you another glass of water,” he offers and leaves the man at his business.
When Kanzaki stumbles out of the toilet, Natsu’s ready to offer him another cooling drink of water. The man is slowly sobering up as the alcohol gets diluted in his system. His eyes look a bit more aware now, although he looks ready to crash to the bed and pass out. Natsu makes a mental note to get him a bucket to puke into, just in case.
“Thanks,” Kanzaki mumbles and Natsu presses another insistent kiss right at the corner of his mouth. “Hnn,” the man responds uneasily and tries to push him away a little but Natsu starts pushing him towards the bedroom, and the younger man has no choice but to stumble backwards in his drunken state. He trips on the bed, falls mostly on it and Natsu pushes him up, kisses his neck, shoulders and lips. Kanzaki is stiff and his hands are shaky. He looks a little lost as he peers up at Natsu’s face. His eyes stay glued like there’d be something really shocking about him.
“Sleep with me,” Natsu requests, drawing circles on the lean muscles of the younger man’s belly with his thumbs. He’s tempting, head tilted and lips nearly brushing Kanzaki’s. He sees the flutter of the man’s eyelids, takes in how his sight drops to his lips briefly before returning to his eyes, and then again. Kanzaki’s mouth is open, just a little bit, and Natsu dips his tongue in, forces him open and presses him hard against the mattress. Kanzaki hums helplessly.
He strips the man of his shirt and presses moist kisses over his chest, chuckles at the tiny nipples and wraps his arms around the lean torso. Kanzaki is staring at the ceiling, a bit out of it, his shaky hands fumbling to touch his hair and cheek. His movements are awkward and drunken. He still looks like he’s going to pass out any second.
“Hey, stay awake,” Natsu orders him and pulls him up in a sitting position against the headboard. After getting a handful of condoms and some lube from his nightstand, he unbuttons and unzips the man’s jeans and pulls them to his knees, one hand cupping the front of his boxers and massaging it gently as he presses kisses on the man’s unmoving lips. Kanzaki’s hand grips his shoulder and his eyes are half-lidded.
Natsu lowers himself and gets to business. Kanzaki sighs and squirms a bit, but doesn’t react. After ten wasted minutes he still isn’t the slightest bit aroused. Natsu had already forgotten the downsides of drunken hook-ups with men.
“Fuck,” he curses, excited in his own jeans. “Fuck.” Kanzaki’s head is hanging limply again, his eyes sliding shut. Natsu presses insistent kisses on his neck and jaw, listens to the sleepy sighs and feels the ever so slight tremors. Shit.
“Hey,” he murmurs into the silence, one hand rubbing Kanzaki’s inner thigh. “Can I still fuck you?”
“Hnnh…”
Kanzaki is looking at him, but his expression is strange and unreadable. Natsu helps him to turn around and get on his knees, watches the lean back stretch as the man’s arms give in underneath him and his upper body rests against the sheets.
Natsu ignores the man’s incoherent mumbling and strips them fully before starting to prep them. He hugs the man close, trails kisses across his slender back and groans at the awkward movements. After a while, Kanzaki goes quiet and limp against the sheets, but he’s too overwhelmed to care.
The reality of his actions only hit him afterwards. He pulls at his hair, curses and stares at the unconscious form sprawled over his mattress. From the bathroom, he retrieves a bucket with some water at the bottom and places it next to the unmoving form which he turns to its side - he doesn’t need the guy suffocating in his own puke after he… while he was unconscious…
It’d look really bad. If this gets out, he’s probably kind of done for.
Shit.
He crashes on the couch and stares at the slump on the bed. After a moment of anxious shifting, he gets up on his feet and staggers tipsily to the man’s clothes. Nothing interesting in the jeans. He finds a wallet in the pocket of his jacket and goes through it - some cash, a few cards, ID and photographs. This Kanzaki Hiroto has someone dear to him - a beautiful, slender woman whose wavy hair frames her round face. The similarity to his own face is quite striking, although she looks softer, less edgy, and her lips are formed and lined more nicely.
The little girl has her father’s pouty lips. They’re distinctive even if they’re spread into a toothy smile Natsu hasn’t gotten to see. There are no names written behind the pictures. Natsu slips them back anxiously, rubs his weary eyes and puts the wallet back where it belongs. There’s a tight pressure around his chest.
He can’t believe he forced himself onto the younger man. That he actually slept with him after he passed out. He wonders if it counts as rape in the eyes of the law.
It takes him hours of tossing around the couch and getting up to walk around before sleep finally lures him in. He’s awakened a few times by the sound of violent vomiting. The first time he gets up on his feet and puts another tall glass of water on the bedside table. Kanzaki doesn’t really look at him - his entire body is trembling miserably as he heaves the contents of his stomach up. The few times after that when the scene repeats itself, Natsu pretends he’s asleep.
When he wakes up in the morning, Kanzaki is gone. He can only hope that no lawsuit will be coming his way.
--
“Ah!” he cries out in shock and has to struggle to catch a grip of the cigarette packet that slips through his fingers. “It’s you. Kanzaki. Hi.”
He never really expected to meet his one night stand again. It’s surreal to see him here, sobered up and functioning as an actual part of the society. Natsu was only supposed to pick up his car which he had left here for fixing, but now he can’t help but want to pick up some extra. Not that he should be thinking about that under the circumstances of their previous meeting.
Kanzaki stares at him uneasily, looks away and swipes sweat off his neck. He looks dirty and greasy like repairmen often do. There’s a smudge of ash on his cheek, probably unbeknownst to himself, and his hair is all ruffled up. Natsu’s never really paid much attention to this type, but now that he already knows how Kanzaki can look like, especially under all the clothes, he finds himself taking the sight in nervously but greedily.
“What do you want from me?” Kanzaki mutters with a low voice, gathering himself to look Natsu in the eyes again. Natsu rocks on his heels a little, jamming his cigarettes in the pocket of his hoodie.
He’s thought about this moment, just a bit, although he never actually thought he’d run into the man again. A lawsuit never arrived in his mail, no matter how much he sweated about it, nor did any nasty rumours start spreading. Then again, he’s not even sure if Kanzaki knows of his profession in the entertainment business. It’s not like he’s that big of a star or anything.
He smirks, cocks his head and observes the man fidget uneasily. He’s wary, and he probably has every right to be. It’s not like Natsu’s first impression was the best, if the man can even remember it.
“Go out with me,” he requests straightforwardly. He’s not even sure if the man really has a wife and a kid. He probably does. Natsu doesn’t really care. It’s not like he’s completely serious about this. He’s just… intrigued.
“I’m not gay,” Kanzaki attempts to clear the misunderstanding. He’s still soft, gentle and thoughtful. He’s got that uncertain look in his eyes, those dark eye bags and slightly slumped posture like he’s carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders. Natsu’s type.
“Well, I’d beg the differ judging from what we had a few weeks ago.” Natsu shrugs almost mockingly. Someone in the similar jumpsuit as Kanzaki is yelling his name and Kanzaki turns around and gives him a thumb up in understanding as a loud, piercing voice of the machinery drowns the sounds for a moment.
“I was drunk. I can’t even remember it.”
“Well, I can remember. You were rock hard and eager,” Natsu lies swiftly. Kanzaki blushes a little. His gaze averts and he looks angry and frustrated at himself.
“I’m working. Did you have some business here?” the man switches the topic. “I need to earn my salary.”
“I’m just picking up my car. When do you finish?” he insists. “Let’s have a proper talk. Nothing funny. Just a talk.”
“Mr Takasugi!”
Natsu curses mentally as he sees the familiar worker in a cleaner outfit heading towards them. Kanzaki bows politely and excuses himself, but before he manages to completely slip away, Natsu grabs his arm and makes him turn his head around.
“When?”
The other worker has already reached them and is giving them a weird look which seems to make Kanzaki uneasy. “Six,” the man mutters and Natsu lets go of him.
“See you then,” Natsu bids his goodbye to the man and watches him rush away, back to work.
“I hope Mr Kanzaki wasn’t impolite,” the other worker apologizes on Kanzaki’s behalf. Natsu chuckles and shakes his head.
“Nah. You could say we’re acquaintances.”
The kind where one desperately wants to get into the other one’s pants, at least.
--
Kanzaki looks completely worn out as he walks out of the factory. He’s still wearing his working clothes when Natsu approaches him. The stench of sweat, metal and oil is borderline putrid. It makes Natsu scrunch up his nose but he’ll deal.
“Evening,” he exclaims politely. Kanzaki adjusts the strap of his bag and keeps walking. Natsu chuckles a bit - he’s getting the cold shoulder then, huh. But it doesn’t look like the man’s embarrassed or scared of him. “You look calm,” he notes as he adjusts his steps to Kanzaki’s and stays by his side. “Not as anxious as I thought after slipping away without a word that morning and spewing that you weren’t gay just a few hours ago.”
“I’m not,” Kanzaki sighs deeply. “…I don’t know.”
“Hey, I’m cool with bi,” Natsu tries to turn it into a joke and runs his finger up Kanzaki’s forearm only to get it brushed away. He’s not quite sure how to deal with a case this calm and collected. “Sorry,” he tries and bows his head a little. “I don’t know. You were so miserable back then, I think I kind of got attached. Can’t help but court you a little now that I get the chance.”
Kanzaki stops. They’re standing at the bay, the endless waters stretching out just over the barrier. Kanzaki looks away uneasily, breathes in to calm himself and walks towards the barrier. He lays his hand on it and turns around, leaning against it. He’s squirming a bit, uneasy and not all too willing, but at least he’s looking at Natsu now.
“I can’t fully place you,” he speaks. Natsu raises his eyebrows in question and leans forwards to urge him to go on. “I’m sick. I was in a car accident and the doctors think that I suffered some kind of brain damage. My brains don’t probably send the signal from the facial recognition system to the amygdala -”
“Wait, wait, too medical,” Natsu interjects with a grimace. “I never went to high school. I have no idea what you’re talking about. You’re mentally handicapped or something?”
Kanzaki snorts. There’s a tiny smile on his lips, a slightly bitter one, as he mutters “Yeah, something like that, I guess.” It’s kind of absurd - Kanzaki never struck him as a nutcase. Not that he would’ve gotten to have an actually proper conversation with him before this.
“Or maybe you’re just pulling my leg,” he argues back warily. Kanzaki’s shoulders slump a little.
“It’s not like I’m crazy. I’m not delusional,” Kanzaki mutters. “It’s just that if I see familiar people to whom I have strong feelings for, I think they’re impostors.”
Natsu snorts. It’s ill-mannered, he knows, but he can’t help it. “Because that doesn’t sound delusional at all. Okay, maybe you are crazy. Never mind.”
“I’m not crazy,” Kanzaki snaps. “I know it sounds crazy, but I’m not crazy. I’m not schizophrenic or anything, it’s nothing like that. I don’t hallucinate. It’s not like I’m paranoid enough to think that I’m some kind of test subject to something crazy either. I’m perfectly sane. I just don’t get an emotional response from seeing familiar faces and it makes people hardly recognizable. I can tell how they look like just fine, but it just doesn’t feel like the actual essence of the person is there. I can’t feel it,” he rants. When he realises he’s spilt too much, he looks a bit more vulnerable, a bit lonelier and lost. Natsu doesn’t really know what to think of him.
“…Just leave me alone,” he finally speaks again and attempts to continue walking to get away from him. Natsu grabs his arm and yanks him back. He doesn’t really know what he’s thinking or if he’s thinking at all, but loneliness and complexes, that’s something he can understand. It’s something he’s dangerously drawn into. People who are spiralling out of control.
“I’m intrigued,” he insists. Kanzaki clearly isn’t as intrigued by him, and he expresses it by breaking loose and glaring at him warily. Natsu raises his hands as a peace gesture. “You’ll have to reject me better, you know.”
“I’m not looking for a relationship,” Kanzaki insists. “There’s someone else. I love her. I haven’t given up on her. I just… need to learn to deal with this. I have a family.”
“If you have a family then why aren’t you with them?” Natsu attacks the claim, attempts to find the weak spot. He does. He can see Kanzaki crumbling before him, uncertain and disappointed with the world.
“They couldn’t handle me,” Kanzaki admits calmly. His voice trembles and his gaze averts. “After the car accident… the brain damage… I became difficult. I caused them a lot of pain with the way I freaked out on them and accused them of hiding my real family and acting as impostors. I still hurt them with my uncertainty. We divorced for the good of all of us but I’ll make it better. It was too much too soon. I haven’t given up. It’s all I have.”
The people in the pictures - the beautiful woman and the little girl with the toothy grin. Natsu remembers them.
“…Don’t bother with me,” Kanzaki gulps anxiously. “You’re not an option for me. If my ex-wife couldn’t handle me, you can’t either. Pursue someone else.”
Natsu watches him turn around again and hurry away. He stands still, listens to the sound of the waves and the ships, ignores all the cars that pass him by and the sun that is slowly setting at the horizon, painting the sky with warm and wondrous colours.
All he can remember is the haunted look in the factory worker’s eyes. People like him, Natsu thinks, are those who climb over the fence and jump into the black depths of the icy rivers. Their last moments pass as ragdolls of the current.
--
The sky is clear and the sun warms him up. The summer is slowly awakening. Tiny green leaves form on the trees and colour the scenery. Natsu lights up a cigarette, heaves the smoke deep in and feels it burn in his throat and lungs. He receives disapproving looks from parents who pass him with small children clinging to their hands but he doesn’t really care. He doesn’t exist to make everyone happy. It’s not like they’re here to return the favour either.
There’s laughter around him, little kids screaming and young women cooing to the men whose arms they’re clinging to, men with stupid, wide smiles formed on their faces. All of it makes Natsu feel alone. It’s quite pathetic - he’s already in his forties, yet he’s never even lived together with a partner. Even Kanzaki, who’s younger than him by a decade, has had the time to marry, have a baby and get divorced.
He wonders how recent the pictures in Kanzaki’s wallet are. Why he even keeps them with him, if he only sees impostors when he looks at them.
It’s all so strange.
He sits down on a bench, lights up his second cigarette after stomping the first one and looks high up at the indigo sky. He pulls down the zipper of his hoody when he starts feeling a bit sweaty, assaulted by the rays of the sun. Everything around him is moving, living on different tracks than his. He holds no meaning.
There’s a little girl jumping up and down some rocky stairs. She’s probably less than five years old. The girl’s mother hurries after her in her high-heeled boots and the man she’s been talking with laughs affectionately. The woman stops her child before she can get hurt, picks her up in her arms and lets the man drape an arm around her shoulders. Natsu doesn’t hear what the man says but the woman nods and laughs, her eyes sparkling. The kid is pouting.
It’s only when they’re walking again, coming closer to the spot where Natsu sits, that Natsu recognizes the woman’s familiar face. His heart skips a beat as he takes in the sight of Kanzaki’s ex-wife, watches the man peck her hairline while she blushes lightly.
He has mixed feelings. He’s hurt, but there’s a thrilling feeling that makes his heart race and feet fidget. He fishes his phone from his pocket, pretends to do something with it as he snaps a picture of the group of three. He doesn’t really know why, but he knows he needs to have this.
The pair walks past without paying any attention to him. The little girl, however, glances at him over her mother’s shoulder in a bored fashion. There’s something familiar in her face, something that makes Natsu kind of want to steal her away.
He’s going crazy. He kicks a tiny stone on the pavement, sends it flying and jumps up on his feet, continuing his walk to the different direction. He doesn’t really understand what the hell just happened.
--
“Don’t turn around,” he demands out of nowhere when Kanzaki leaves work one day. As an automatic reaction, the younger man attempts to disobey almost instantly, but Natsu grabs his head and keeps him facing forward. He can feel the man’s muscles straining.
“What is it?” Kanzaki speaks, his tone annoyed. Natsu feels nervous. Kanzaki has no reason to follow through with his attempt.
It’s never stopped him before, though.
“I want to get to know you,” he announces stubbornly. “I researched your condition,” he continues before Kanzaki can stop him like he’s about to, Natsu can sense it from the way his shoulders rise and head gets thrown back ever so slightly. “Are you alright if you just don’t see?”
It seems to startle the younger man. He’s quiet for a moment, recovering from Natsu’s expressed devotion. Then he seems to snap out of it. “I’m not… I told you I don’t really want to -”
“Let me get to know you,” Natsu insists. “Don’t reject me before you’ve even hung out with me. Just play along. One day, chatting and stuff. Nothing funny. I won’t be pushy.”
He doesn’t really understand why he’s doing this. Sure, he’s intrigued - you don’t often come across people with such peculiar conditions. It still doesn’t quite explain this. Maybe he’s just genuinely worried for the man. He hasn’t been able to sleep well after seeing his family getting all close with that other man. He doubts Kanzaki knows about it. He wonders if the man has any kind of safety net at all.
“You’re already pushy,” Kanzaki notes. Natsu takes his hands from behind and presses his forehead between his shoulder blades. Kanzaki’s palms are sweaty and twitchy. He smiles a little.
“You smell,” he notes and can sense Kanzaki rolling his eyes. He chuckles softly and takes a firmer hold of one of Kanzaki’s hands as he backs away a few steps. “If you want, we can drop by at your place so that you can take a shower and change your clothes. Or my place. But I want to go and have dinner with you. I’ll pay,” he tries to tempt the man. He can sense Kanzaki’s hesitation in the air.
“It’ll be weird,” Kanzaki insists. “You think we can always just go so that I won’t look at you? Don’t be naïve. I’m a human too. Even if you’d want to be my acquaintance, you’d have to deal with -”
“I will deal with it!” Natsu snaps grumpily and squeezes Kanzaki’s hand harder. “I will,” he tries again, calming himself down a little bit. Why is his heart racing so frustratingly fast? It makes him self-conscious. “I just want you to acknowledge me fully first. Build trust, you know.”
“…You’re an idiot.”
He sounds tired. Natsu jabs his finger to the man’s nape, making him flinch. He smirks. “I told you - I’m intrigued. And I’m bored. That’s plenty of motivation.”
From then on, everything is kind of surreal. He walks a few steps behind Kanzaki, studies his back and anxious movements all the way to the man’s apartment where he showers while Natsu paces around the apartment, looks at the picture frames of people in the younger man’s life. The apartment is small and kind of reminds Natsu of his old place, except that Kanzaki is a bit more organized and clean.
He gets his date. At the restaurant they get two tables, sit with their backs against each other and just talk. He discovers that even with the tough front, Kanzaki is actually maybe one of the gentlest and most empathetic people he has ever met. His mere existence is somehow unimaginable on a whole other level. There have been many things he has gone through, many things he would sacrifice to keep those dear to him safe.
Kanzaki has had to grow up way earlier than children should. He’s had to deal with his father’s suicide, managing a family factory, an incompetent mother, an ill younger brother, love beyond social classes and now his own mental condition. From what Natsu can gather, he’s never really got to have a breather. There’s too much, too little and too much beyond his powers. Although his situation is different, and mostly self-inflicted, he can somewhat relate.
“I think I’m falling in love with you,” he utters softly from behind his fringe when they’re slowly walking on the road separated from the sea with a mere barrier. He’s truthful - he’s always been the type to fall rarely but fast and hard.
He covers Kanzaki’s eyes with his palm and kisses him, unwilling to let him wiggle away. Kanzaki is breathless, confused and overwhelmed. Natsu wonders what goes on in his head. If he feels the same, even the tiniest bit.
“Don’t discard me,” he mutters helplessly as he removes his hand and clings to the man. Kanzaki has his eyes closed and he isn’t opening them, afraid of breaking the magic of certainty he holds. “Let me be close to you. If I can’t win against your ex-wife and you patch things up, I’ll leave on my own. So for now, just let me stay close to you.”
Maybe Kanzaki is too kind for his own good. “I don’t know what I should do,” he murmurs in the awkward hug. He’s holding a man he can easily crush with his fingers. “I don’t know what I think.”
“If you don’t know, let me think,” Natsu groans and kisses him again, not giving a shit about the public. It’s none of their business. He’s not that famous. “I know.”
They part their ways that evening. Natsu gets Kanzaki’s number though. They’re going to meet again.
It’s more than he could dare to even ask for already.
--
--> part 2/2
Beta: pinkeuphoria1
Pairing: Natsu/Hiroto [+ Natsu/Asako and Hiroto/Nao]
Rating: R
Genre: Angst, Darkfic, Romance
Warnings: Sex, controversial situations, violence and an unfortunate delusional condition called Capgras syndrome. Also, Natsu being… Natsu.
Notes: Originally written for kattunberry as a part of kizuna_exchange 2012 (here). I apologize if the disorder is incorrectly portrayed or unclear (finding information about it online turned out to be a real challenge).
Word count: 11,300
Summary: In order to overcome unacceptable changes in life, two threads begin to loosely but daintily get tangled together.
He stares blankly at the laptop screen in front of him, a bottle of single malt whiskey hanging loosely from his fingers. His mouth hangs open, drunk as he is, and the sound of pleasured cries echoes silently in the small apartment. There’s a rock hard cock pushing in and out of that sweet cocoon and Natsu can’t really tell if he’s aroused or not. The shock and the shadows that lure somewhere in his mind are enough to keep him stilled, and his own pride between his legs is only partially swollen, as if it would be just as confused as he is.
“Fuck you,” he slurs at the woman on the screen he used to adore so strongly for such a long time. Asako. “Fuck you.”
What’s ridiculous is that this isn’t the first time this has happened. What’s the fun of porn anyway, when you come across people you’d really rather not watch fucking others? He can’t really comprehend this, that this woman whose mere existence has brought him comfort and anxiety, is displayed on the screen in front of him. It’s likely that she has no idea about the recording, but it does make him snort bitterly - even he wouldn’t have been that disrespectful. Asako just liked judging him all along.
The video comes to a stop. He takes another big gulp of the brown liquid from the bottle, tries to simply focus on the burning sensation in his chest. The world is spinning just a little bit. He feels groggy as he hugs one of his legs against his chest and tries to sort out his thoughts.
All that he’s really able to feel is that this kills all his sexual urges. It’s happened before - he actually used to be bisexual all the way back in high school, until he found a sex tape of this ex-boyfriend he had gone through a nasty breakup with. After that he hasn’t really been able to look at men the same way again. Something about them makes him angry, bitter and uncaring. This feeling now, he thinks, is a prelude to the same kind of thing.
He downloads the video from the site, mumbling curse words to himself with a quiet voice. He’s done with women for the time being. From now on, he’s just going to shake the mere thought of them off his head.
His hollow laughter cuts the silence. Life is plain ridiculous.
--
There’s a man at the bar, drunkenly hunched up on his stool, half of his face pressed against his hand. Natsu is looking at him from afar - he’s got quite an attractive face, and from what he’s learned through the years, the drunken ones are usually the easy ones. Natsu’s leg is fidgeting. He’s tapping it unconsciously with his fingers, eager to go after the fish. He could. He hasn’t done this in a while, the odds in this place aren’t exactly the best, but truthfully said, he doesn’t really care either.
Some girl is just about to approach him when he jumps to his feet, brushes by her and heads towards the drunken man who pays no heed to him. The man has ended up pressing both of his palms against his face, elbows resting against the dark marble counter. He’s a pathetic sight. He kind of reminds Natsu of what he sees in the mirror.
“You look like you could call it a night,” he notes as he hops on the stool next to the man and waves his hand at the bartender. “Tequila, please~”
The man groans drunkenly, moves one hand away and cracks his eye open just a bit to peer at him. His eyes look a bit foggy and he’s certainly out of it. Natsu smirks as the bartender stops before them to pour him his glass of tequila, all the while yelling something at someone on the other end of the bar counter.
“I… don’t really…” the man slurs and squeezes his eyes shut again - Natsu sympathizes with the splitting headache and nausea. He pats the man’s shoulder briskly and leans over, feeling risky and lucky.
“Hmm? I can’t really make out what you’re saying,” Natsu overrules the man’s attempt of speaking. “It’s okay, you don’t have to be articulate with me. I’d just get a headache.”
The man gags and almost falls off his stool in an attempt to put some distance between them. Natsu grabs his arm and keeps him upright. “Easy now.” The man is wide-eyed and he really looks slightly panicky, like he wouldn’t be able to tell which way is the floor and which way, the ceiling. Natsu smirks.
“You,” the bartender interrupts them before he gets the chance to open his mouth again. “Have your shot and take your buddy home. We don’t need him puking all over the floors.”
“’m fine,” the man tries to insist but Natsu snakes his arm around him, hands the pay over to the bartender, downs his tequila in one go without the salt, bites down on the lime and doesn’t mind that the night is over. The man squirms in his hold but he’s unsteady on his feet, all wobbly and stumbling. Natsu ruffles his hair a little.
“I’ll take you home. You’ve got all your stuff with you? Or something in the cloakroom?”
“Nothing…”
“Good,” Natsu hums and drags him towards the exit. The man is sluggish and his wrist feels a bit bony in Natsu’s hand, but the slight bumps of his muscles press against the fabric of his t-shirt. He smells vile, like way too much alcohol and cigarettes for one night, but there’s also a pleasant scent of flowery shampoo in his hair. Natsu wonders if he has a woman somewhere.
They barely make it around the corner of the club when the man finally heaves, his vomit dripping on the sidewalk. Natsu groans and keeps pulling him along. When they make it to the main street, there should be plenty of taxis around. He’s never going to get this man home on his own.
“What’s your name?” he asks the man who just peers at him in confusion, eyes averting. “Name,” he keeps insisting, sighing deep. “Who are you?”
“…Kanzaki…”
“Kanzaki, huh.” Natsu purses his lips and nods in understanding. He sniffs a bit at the cold and brushes his nose with his knuckles, fidgeting a bit, but it makes the man stumble so he stops it almost as soon as he starts. “Given name?”
“Hiroto,” the man groans silently and squeezes his eyes shut. Surprisingly, it doesn’t make his walking any worse.
“I’m Takasugi Natsu,” he chatters. “I’ll take you home with me.”
Kanzaki almost trips against a missing tile of the pavement and seems to miss his statement completely. His fist tightens around the fabric of Natsu’s hoodie stretched across his broad back. It makes Natsu’s hair stand erect. It’s been a while since he’s been hitting on a man.
“You’re too easy,” he scoffs. Kanzaki mumbles something vague, probably already completely at a loss with the conversation Natsu keeps up by himself. Cute. Natsu briefly wonders what he’s like when he’s sober. Now the man is barely able to function, never mind showing some character.
He waves his arm to stop a cab for him and helps Kanzaki in first, buckles him up and listens to the driver’s long sigh and silent mutter about drunk people. When he’s circled around and hopped on himself, the car leaves the parking lane.
“Your friend better not puke in the car. Where to?” the driver snarls while loudly chewing gum. Natsu gives him the directions and returns his attention back to his prey, who’s resting his forehead against the chilly surface of the window.
He rests his hand gently on the man’s shoulder. “Hey, don’t pass out, okay?”
Kanzaki only groans as an answer and looks ill. Natsu holds his hand and watches the lamp-posts that keep rushing by. The driver is giving them judging looks from the rear-view mirror as he probably keeps an eye on Kanzaki’s state of nausea. Natsu kind of gets that. He wouldn’t want the putrid stench in the car he has to constantly drive either.
It takes them a while to arrive at the apartment building where Natsu resides in. After the pay, the cab leaves them standing alone at the curb, Kanzaki leaning on him, looking more out of it than before. He’s clearly passed the point where it’s just easier to sober up a little.
“Where…?”
“My apartment. Like hell you’d get home in this condition,” Natsu answers his unfinished question and starts dragging him towards the doors. Kanzaki mutters an embarrassed “thank you” at him and seems to do his best to sober up. His eyes stay open better now, although the look in them is still glassy.
They stumble out of the elevator, to Natsu’s apartment. Natsu removes their shoes while Kanzaki almost trips over before standing up again and then Natsu’s pulling the man close by slipping his hands in his jean’s back pockets, and kisses him. Kanzaki tastes like beer, a fair amount of it, and his mouth is clammy and tastes vile. Natsu grimaces as he withdraws. “You need some water.”
“Mmh…”
“Wait here, I’ll get you a glass,” he offers and watches the man slide down the front door to sit on the floor, holding his head in his hands. Natsu doubts he’s very aware of what goes around him. He heads to the kitchen, fills a tall glass with fresh water and returns, helping the rim of the glass to Kanzaki’s dry lips. “Drink up.”
The man does, greedily. He downs the glass in two goes before slumping back against the door, his head hanging limply over his shoulder. Natsu brushes some hair off his face and presses a peck on his cheek, feels Kanzaki grimace in confusion.
“Bathroom…”
“You feel ill?” Natsu enquires and Kanzaki shakes his head a little in refusal, but he doesn’t look too sure with his expression. Natsu chuckles as he leaves the man standing in front of the toilet, wobbly and strained. “Sure you can aim?” he mocks and Kanzaki brushes him off. “I’ll get you another glass of water,” he offers and leaves the man at his business.
When Kanzaki stumbles out of the toilet, Natsu’s ready to offer him another cooling drink of water. The man is slowly sobering up as the alcohol gets diluted in his system. His eyes look a bit more aware now, although he looks ready to crash to the bed and pass out. Natsu makes a mental note to get him a bucket to puke into, just in case.
“Thanks,” Kanzaki mumbles and Natsu presses another insistent kiss right at the corner of his mouth. “Hnn,” the man responds uneasily and tries to push him away a little but Natsu starts pushing him towards the bedroom, and the younger man has no choice but to stumble backwards in his drunken state. He trips on the bed, falls mostly on it and Natsu pushes him up, kisses his neck, shoulders and lips. Kanzaki is stiff and his hands are shaky. He looks a little lost as he peers up at Natsu’s face. His eyes stay glued like there’d be something really shocking about him.
“Sleep with me,” Natsu requests, drawing circles on the lean muscles of the younger man’s belly with his thumbs. He’s tempting, head tilted and lips nearly brushing Kanzaki’s. He sees the flutter of the man’s eyelids, takes in how his sight drops to his lips briefly before returning to his eyes, and then again. Kanzaki’s mouth is open, just a little bit, and Natsu dips his tongue in, forces him open and presses him hard against the mattress. Kanzaki hums helplessly.
He strips the man of his shirt and presses moist kisses over his chest, chuckles at the tiny nipples and wraps his arms around the lean torso. Kanzaki is staring at the ceiling, a bit out of it, his shaky hands fumbling to touch his hair and cheek. His movements are awkward and drunken. He still looks like he’s going to pass out any second.
“Hey, stay awake,” Natsu orders him and pulls him up in a sitting position against the headboard. After getting a handful of condoms and some lube from his nightstand, he unbuttons and unzips the man’s jeans and pulls them to his knees, one hand cupping the front of his boxers and massaging it gently as he presses kisses on the man’s unmoving lips. Kanzaki’s hand grips his shoulder and his eyes are half-lidded.
Natsu lowers himself and gets to business. Kanzaki sighs and squirms a bit, but doesn’t react. After ten wasted minutes he still isn’t the slightest bit aroused. Natsu had already forgotten the downsides of drunken hook-ups with men.
“Fuck,” he curses, excited in his own jeans. “Fuck.” Kanzaki’s head is hanging limply again, his eyes sliding shut. Natsu presses insistent kisses on his neck and jaw, listens to the sleepy sighs and feels the ever so slight tremors. Shit.
“Hey,” he murmurs into the silence, one hand rubbing Kanzaki’s inner thigh. “Can I still fuck you?”
“Hnnh…”
Kanzaki is looking at him, but his expression is strange and unreadable. Natsu helps him to turn around and get on his knees, watches the lean back stretch as the man’s arms give in underneath him and his upper body rests against the sheets.
Natsu ignores the man’s incoherent mumbling and strips them fully before starting to prep them. He hugs the man close, trails kisses across his slender back and groans at the awkward movements. After a while, Kanzaki goes quiet and limp against the sheets, but he’s too overwhelmed to care.
The reality of his actions only hit him afterwards. He pulls at his hair, curses and stares at the unconscious form sprawled over his mattress. From the bathroom, he retrieves a bucket with some water at the bottom and places it next to the unmoving form which he turns to its side - he doesn’t need the guy suffocating in his own puke after he… while he was unconscious…
It’d look really bad. If this gets out, he’s probably kind of done for.
Shit.
He crashes on the couch and stares at the slump on the bed. After a moment of anxious shifting, he gets up on his feet and staggers tipsily to the man’s clothes. Nothing interesting in the jeans. He finds a wallet in the pocket of his jacket and goes through it - some cash, a few cards, ID and photographs. This Kanzaki Hiroto has someone dear to him - a beautiful, slender woman whose wavy hair frames her round face. The similarity to his own face is quite striking, although she looks softer, less edgy, and her lips are formed and lined more nicely.
The little girl has her father’s pouty lips. They’re distinctive even if they’re spread into a toothy smile Natsu hasn’t gotten to see. There are no names written behind the pictures. Natsu slips them back anxiously, rubs his weary eyes and puts the wallet back where it belongs. There’s a tight pressure around his chest.
He can’t believe he forced himself onto the younger man. That he actually slept with him after he passed out. He wonders if it counts as rape in the eyes of the law.
It takes him hours of tossing around the couch and getting up to walk around before sleep finally lures him in. He’s awakened a few times by the sound of violent vomiting. The first time he gets up on his feet and puts another tall glass of water on the bedside table. Kanzaki doesn’t really look at him - his entire body is trembling miserably as he heaves the contents of his stomach up. The few times after that when the scene repeats itself, Natsu pretends he’s asleep.
When he wakes up in the morning, Kanzaki is gone. He can only hope that no lawsuit will be coming his way.
--
“Ah!” he cries out in shock and has to struggle to catch a grip of the cigarette packet that slips through his fingers. “It’s you. Kanzaki. Hi.”
He never really expected to meet his one night stand again. It’s surreal to see him here, sobered up and functioning as an actual part of the society. Natsu was only supposed to pick up his car which he had left here for fixing, but now he can’t help but want to pick up some extra. Not that he should be thinking about that under the circumstances of their previous meeting.
Kanzaki stares at him uneasily, looks away and swipes sweat off his neck. He looks dirty and greasy like repairmen often do. There’s a smudge of ash on his cheek, probably unbeknownst to himself, and his hair is all ruffled up. Natsu’s never really paid much attention to this type, but now that he already knows how Kanzaki can look like, especially under all the clothes, he finds himself taking the sight in nervously but greedily.
“What do you want from me?” Kanzaki mutters with a low voice, gathering himself to look Natsu in the eyes again. Natsu rocks on his heels a little, jamming his cigarettes in the pocket of his hoodie.
He’s thought about this moment, just a bit, although he never actually thought he’d run into the man again. A lawsuit never arrived in his mail, no matter how much he sweated about it, nor did any nasty rumours start spreading. Then again, he’s not even sure if Kanzaki knows of his profession in the entertainment business. It’s not like he’s that big of a star or anything.
He smirks, cocks his head and observes the man fidget uneasily. He’s wary, and he probably has every right to be. It’s not like Natsu’s first impression was the best, if the man can even remember it.
“Go out with me,” he requests straightforwardly. He’s not even sure if the man really has a wife and a kid. He probably does. Natsu doesn’t really care. It’s not like he’s completely serious about this. He’s just… intrigued.
“I’m not gay,” Kanzaki attempts to clear the misunderstanding. He’s still soft, gentle and thoughtful. He’s got that uncertain look in his eyes, those dark eye bags and slightly slumped posture like he’s carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders. Natsu’s type.
“Well, I’d beg the differ judging from what we had a few weeks ago.” Natsu shrugs almost mockingly. Someone in the similar jumpsuit as Kanzaki is yelling his name and Kanzaki turns around and gives him a thumb up in understanding as a loud, piercing voice of the machinery drowns the sounds for a moment.
“I was drunk. I can’t even remember it.”
“Well, I can remember. You were rock hard and eager,” Natsu lies swiftly. Kanzaki blushes a little. His gaze averts and he looks angry and frustrated at himself.
“I’m working. Did you have some business here?” the man switches the topic. “I need to earn my salary.”
“I’m just picking up my car. When do you finish?” he insists. “Let’s have a proper talk. Nothing funny. Just a talk.”
“Mr Takasugi!”
Natsu curses mentally as he sees the familiar worker in a cleaner outfit heading towards them. Kanzaki bows politely and excuses himself, but before he manages to completely slip away, Natsu grabs his arm and makes him turn his head around.
“When?”
The other worker has already reached them and is giving them a weird look which seems to make Kanzaki uneasy. “Six,” the man mutters and Natsu lets go of him.
“See you then,” Natsu bids his goodbye to the man and watches him rush away, back to work.
“I hope Mr Kanzaki wasn’t impolite,” the other worker apologizes on Kanzaki’s behalf. Natsu chuckles and shakes his head.
“Nah. You could say we’re acquaintances.”
The kind where one desperately wants to get into the other one’s pants, at least.
--
Kanzaki looks completely worn out as he walks out of the factory. He’s still wearing his working clothes when Natsu approaches him. The stench of sweat, metal and oil is borderline putrid. It makes Natsu scrunch up his nose but he’ll deal.
“Evening,” he exclaims politely. Kanzaki adjusts the strap of his bag and keeps walking. Natsu chuckles a bit - he’s getting the cold shoulder then, huh. But it doesn’t look like the man’s embarrassed or scared of him. “You look calm,” he notes as he adjusts his steps to Kanzaki’s and stays by his side. “Not as anxious as I thought after slipping away without a word that morning and spewing that you weren’t gay just a few hours ago.”
“I’m not,” Kanzaki sighs deeply. “…I don’t know.”
“Hey, I’m cool with bi,” Natsu tries to turn it into a joke and runs his finger up Kanzaki’s forearm only to get it brushed away. He’s not quite sure how to deal with a case this calm and collected. “Sorry,” he tries and bows his head a little. “I don’t know. You were so miserable back then, I think I kind of got attached. Can’t help but court you a little now that I get the chance.”
Kanzaki stops. They’re standing at the bay, the endless waters stretching out just over the barrier. Kanzaki looks away uneasily, breathes in to calm himself and walks towards the barrier. He lays his hand on it and turns around, leaning against it. He’s squirming a bit, uneasy and not all too willing, but at least he’s looking at Natsu now.
“I can’t fully place you,” he speaks. Natsu raises his eyebrows in question and leans forwards to urge him to go on. “I’m sick. I was in a car accident and the doctors think that I suffered some kind of brain damage. My brains don’t probably send the signal from the facial recognition system to the amygdala -”
“Wait, wait, too medical,” Natsu interjects with a grimace. “I never went to high school. I have no idea what you’re talking about. You’re mentally handicapped or something?”
Kanzaki snorts. There’s a tiny smile on his lips, a slightly bitter one, as he mutters “Yeah, something like that, I guess.” It’s kind of absurd - Kanzaki never struck him as a nutcase. Not that he would’ve gotten to have an actually proper conversation with him before this.
“Or maybe you’re just pulling my leg,” he argues back warily. Kanzaki’s shoulders slump a little.
“It’s not like I’m crazy. I’m not delusional,” Kanzaki mutters. “It’s just that if I see familiar people to whom I have strong feelings for, I think they’re impostors.”
Natsu snorts. It’s ill-mannered, he knows, but he can’t help it. “Because that doesn’t sound delusional at all. Okay, maybe you are crazy. Never mind.”
“I’m not crazy,” Kanzaki snaps. “I know it sounds crazy, but I’m not crazy. I’m not schizophrenic or anything, it’s nothing like that. I don’t hallucinate. It’s not like I’m paranoid enough to think that I’m some kind of test subject to something crazy either. I’m perfectly sane. I just don’t get an emotional response from seeing familiar faces and it makes people hardly recognizable. I can tell how they look like just fine, but it just doesn’t feel like the actual essence of the person is there. I can’t feel it,” he rants. When he realises he’s spilt too much, he looks a bit more vulnerable, a bit lonelier and lost. Natsu doesn’t really know what to think of him.
“…Just leave me alone,” he finally speaks again and attempts to continue walking to get away from him. Natsu grabs his arm and yanks him back. He doesn’t really know what he’s thinking or if he’s thinking at all, but loneliness and complexes, that’s something he can understand. It’s something he’s dangerously drawn into. People who are spiralling out of control.
“I’m intrigued,” he insists. Kanzaki clearly isn’t as intrigued by him, and he expresses it by breaking loose and glaring at him warily. Natsu raises his hands as a peace gesture. “You’ll have to reject me better, you know.”
“I’m not looking for a relationship,” Kanzaki insists. “There’s someone else. I love her. I haven’t given up on her. I just… need to learn to deal with this. I have a family.”
“If you have a family then why aren’t you with them?” Natsu attacks the claim, attempts to find the weak spot. He does. He can see Kanzaki crumbling before him, uncertain and disappointed with the world.
“They couldn’t handle me,” Kanzaki admits calmly. His voice trembles and his gaze averts. “After the car accident… the brain damage… I became difficult. I caused them a lot of pain with the way I freaked out on them and accused them of hiding my real family and acting as impostors. I still hurt them with my uncertainty. We divorced for the good of all of us but I’ll make it better. It was too much too soon. I haven’t given up. It’s all I have.”
The people in the pictures - the beautiful woman and the little girl with the toothy grin. Natsu remembers them.
“…Don’t bother with me,” Kanzaki gulps anxiously. “You’re not an option for me. If my ex-wife couldn’t handle me, you can’t either. Pursue someone else.”
Natsu watches him turn around again and hurry away. He stands still, listens to the sound of the waves and the ships, ignores all the cars that pass him by and the sun that is slowly setting at the horizon, painting the sky with warm and wondrous colours.
All he can remember is the haunted look in the factory worker’s eyes. People like him, Natsu thinks, are those who climb over the fence and jump into the black depths of the icy rivers. Their last moments pass as ragdolls of the current.
--
The sky is clear and the sun warms him up. The summer is slowly awakening. Tiny green leaves form on the trees and colour the scenery. Natsu lights up a cigarette, heaves the smoke deep in and feels it burn in his throat and lungs. He receives disapproving looks from parents who pass him with small children clinging to their hands but he doesn’t really care. He doesn’t exist to make everyone happy. It’s not like they’re here to return the favour either.
There’s laughter around him, little kids screaming and young women cooing to the men whose arms they’re clinging to, men with stupid, wide smiles formed on their faces. All of it makes Natsu feel alone. It’s quite pathetic - he’s already in his forties, yet he’s never even lived together with a partner. Even Kanzaki, who’s younger than him by a decade, has had the time to marry, have a baby and get divorced.
He wonders how recent the pictures in Kanzaki’s wallet are. Why he even keeps them with him, if he only sees impostors when he looks at them.
It’s all so strange.
He sits down on a bench, lights up his second cigarette after stomping the first one and looks high up at the indigo sky. He pulls down the zipper of his hoody when he starts feeling a bit sweaty, assaulted by the rays of the sun. Everything around him is moving, living on different tracks than his. He holds no meaning.
There’s a little girl jumping up and down some rocky stairs. She’s probably less than five years old. The girl’s mother hurries after her in her high-heeled boots and the man she’s been talking with laughs affectionately. The woman stops her child before she can get hurt, picks her up in her arms and lets the man drape an arm around her shoulders. Natsu doesn’t hear what the man says but the woman nods and laughs, her eyes sparkling. The kid is pouting.
It’s only when they’re walking again, coming closer to the spot where Natsu sits, that Natsu recognizes the woman’s familiar face. His heart skips a beat as he takes in the sight of Kanzaki’s ex-wife, watches the man peck her hairline while she blushes lightly.
He has mixed feelings. He’s hurt, but there’s a thrilling feeling that makes his heart race and feet fidget. He fishes his phone from his pocket, pretends to do something with it as he snaps a picture of the group of three. He doesn’t really know why, but he knows he needs to have this.
The pair walks past without paying any attention to him. The little girl, however, glances at him over her mother’s shoulder in a bored fashion. There’s something familiar in her face, something that makes Natsu kind of want to steal her away.
He’s going crazy. He kicks a tiny stone on the pavement, sends it flying and jumps up on his feet, continuing his walk to the different direction. He doesn’t really understand what the hell just happened.
--
“Don’t turn around,” he demands out of nowhere when Kanzaki leaves work one day. As an automatic reaction, the younger man attempts to disobey almost instantly, but Natsu grabs his head and keeps him facing forward. He can feel the man’s muscles straining.
“What is it?” Kanzaki speaks, his tone annoyed. Natsu feels nervous. Kanzaki has no reason to follow through with his attempt.
It’s never stopped him before, though.
“I want to get to know you,” he announces stubbornly. “I researched your condition,” he continues before Kanzaki can stop him like he’s about to, Natsu can sense it from the way his shoulders rise and head gets thrown back ever so slightly. “Are you alright if you just don’t see?”
It seems to startle the younger man. He’s quiet for a moment, recovering from Natsu’s expressed devotion. Then he seems to snap out of it. “I’m not… I told you I don’t really want to -”
“Let me get to know you,” Natsu insists. “Don’t reject me before you’ve even hung out with me. Just play along. One day, chatting and stuff. Nothing funny. I won’t be pushy.”
He doesn’t really understand why he’s doing this. Sure, he’s intrigued - you don’t often come across people with such peculiar conditions. It still doesn’t quite explain this. Maybe he’s just genuinely worried for the man. He hasn’t been able to sleep well after seeing his family getting all close with that other man. He doubts Kanzaki knows about it. He wonders if the man has any kind of safety net at all.
“You’re already pushy,” Kanzaki notes. Natsu takes his hands from behind and presses his forehead between his shoulder blades. Kanzaki’s palms are sweaty and twitchy. He smiles a little.
“You smell,” he notes and can sense Kanzaki rolling his eyes. He chuckles softly and takes a firmer hold of one of Kanzaki’s hands as he backs away a few steps. “If you want, we can drop by at your place so that you can take a shower and change your clothes. Or my place. But I want to go and have dinner with you. I’ll pay,” he tries to tempt the man. He can sense Kanzaki’s hesitation in the air.
“It’ll be weird,” Kanzaki insists. “You think we can always just go so that I won’t look at you? Don’t be naïve. I’m a human too. Even if you’d want to be my acquaintance, you’d have to deal with -”
“I will deal with it!” Natsu snaps grumpily and squeezes Kanzaki’s hand harder. “I will,” he tries again, calming himself down a little bit. Why is his heart racing so frustratingly fast? It makes him self-conscious. “I just want you to acknowledge me fully first. Build trust, you know.”
“…You’re an idiot.”
He sounds tired. Natsu jabs his finger to the man’s nape, making him flinch. He smirks. “I told you - I’m intrigued. And I’m bored. That’s plenty of motivation.”
From then on, everything is kind of surreal. He walks a few steps behind Kanzaki, studies his back and anxious movements all the way to the man’s apartment where he showers while Natsu paces around the apartment, looks at the picture frames of people in the younger man’s life. The apartment is small and kind of reminds Natsu of his old place, except that Kanzaki is a bit more organized and clean.
He gets his date. At the restaurant they get two tables, sit with their backs against each other and just talk. He discovers that even with the tough front, Kanzaki is actually maybe one of the gentlest and most empathetic people he has ever met. His mere existence is somehow unimaginable on a whole other level. There have been many things he has gone through, many things he would sacrifice to keep those dear to him safe.
Kanzaki has had to grow up way earlier than children should. He’s had to deal with his father’s suicide, managing a family factory, an incompetent mother, an ill younger brother, love beyond social classes and now his own mental condition. From what Natsu can gather, he’s never really got to have a breather. There’s too much, too little and too much beyond his powers. Although his situation is different, and mostly self-inflicted, he can somewhat relate.
“I think I’m falling in love with you,” he utters softly from behind his fringe when they’re slowly walking on the road separated from the sea with a mere barrier. He’s truthful - he’s always been the type to fall rarely but fast and hard.
He covers Kanzaki’s eyes with his palm and kisses him, unwilling to let him wiggle away. Kanzaki is breathless, confused and overwhelmed. Natsu wonders what goes on in his head. If he feels the same, even the tiniest bit.
“Don’t discard me,” he mutters helplessly as he removes his hand and clings to the man. Kanzaki has his eyes closed and he isn’t opening them, afraid of breaking the magic of certainty he holds. “Let me be close to you. If I can’t win against your ex-wife and you patch things up, I’ll leave on my own. So for now, just let me stay close to you.”
Maybe Kanzaki is too kind for his own good. “I don’t know what I should do,” he murmurs in the awkward hug. He’s holding a man he can easily crush with his fingers. “I don’t know what I think.”
“If you don’t know, let me think,” Natsu groans and kisses him again, not giving a shit about the public. It’s none of their business. He’s not that famous. “I know.”
They part their ways that evening. Natsu gets Kanzaki’s number though. They’re going to meet again.
It’s more than he could dare to even ask for already.
--
--> part 2/2