fic: lemniscus (2/2)
2008
Kame hasn’t done many serious relationships after Yamapi. An occasional woman here and there for a few weeks or if nicely stretched even luckily a few months, but that’s about it. He does get infatuated with people every now and then and sometimes the feeling is mutual, but Kame fails to actually fall in love with anyone. It’s a natural process he would like to occur sometime. He’s starting to suspect that maybe women aren’t his thing at all after all, maybe his genuine emotions are across the fence. It could very well be. He’s felt pansexual since he was a teenager.
That’s probably why he feels so nervous when a man makes a move on him, a man who’s got his own popularity to protect so he can’t be just trying to dig for nasty rumours about him to sell to the magazines. He’s a baseball player, someone whose name Kame recalls coming across in a magazine or two. He isn’t particularly famous there but with luck and skill he might get there. It’s needless to say he’s got Kame’s admiration.
They actually meet through a common friend at a party with tall glasses of champagne and people walking around in suits and conversing. They hit it on surprisingly well with some flirting here and there and sooner than Kame really anticipates it, he ends up exchanging numbers with the man. After that it’s just endless uphill.
He’s still finishing up the filming for 1 Pound Gospel so their schedules don’t match in the beginning which is quite aggravating for Kame. He’s unsure with his feelings too - is this really something he wants to pursue and why so?
He takes his aggressiveness out on boxing at the gym with Ueda and some co-workers from the drama set. He tries to keep his head straight, tries to think about himself and who he is and he knows himself, he’s very work-orientated and it’s his number one priority but he thinks he might really like this guy and the risk might be worth it if he keeps himself in check during the relationship. No stupid stunts or such. The man probably agrees with him.
After some occasional meetings for coffee, lunch and dinner, Kame finds himself pressing the man against his foyer wall and breathing raggedly against his Adam’s apple. His blood is boiling and the man’s hands are holding his hips possessively. That’s when he loses all coherency and knows that even though he does find women attractive, he wants to spend the rest of his life with a man. The decision isn’t so hard after all.
Kame rolls over the man on his bed, still sweaty from the act, and kisses his lips calmly. The man answers by trailing his palms up and down Kame’s muscled arms and smiling drowsily. There’s an emotion stirring in Kame’s chest.
They start going out not too long after that. Kame thinks he might’ve gotten ridiculously lucky, having the two passions of his life tied so close to him. Could be faith, not that he believes in it. But it could be.
No one really looks at him more than once anymore. They scan him for a number plate and once they note its absence they turn their gazes away. He feels like trash. It’s starting to get a bit funny - Kamenashi Kazuya, trash. Not Japan’s top idol, not a lady magnet, no one important. Trash.
His self is kind of dirtied and pathetic now. Flashing lights are gone. He’s starting to grow stubble. Five o’clock shadow.
A barely clad woman grants him a sultry look perfected with a crooked smile. Then her gaze turns away. The streetlights flicker above Kame and he glances at them apathetically. He extends his hand towards the light and just watches for a while.
Being nothing and no one feels utterly idiotic.
He walks into a public restroom in a supermarket that happily informs it’s open 24/7 with a huge and flickering neon sign. The cashier chews gum and smells like cheap perfume and sweat as she shuffles cards. The shop isn’t particularly busy. Kame sees a drunken man and a woman who keeps muttering to herself dangerously slipping through the racks of canned food. It’s a bit of a darker area.
He pushes the door open to the restroom and stops before the cracked window in front of the sink. His skin looks clammy and disgusting. There’s a fly that circulates around his head, buzzing annoyingly, and Kame almost admits defeat and slumps against the door.
He doesn’t feel much anymore. Mostly just bitterness. He kind of feels like his eyes have finally been opened, like he can really actually see now.
The world isn’t such a beautiful sugar-coated place after all.
He grows desperate. He sure as hell can’t live like this, can he? There were times in the past when he wished to trade lives with someone. Now he’s got nothing to offer in a trade anymore and he can’t help thinking what it would be like to simply become someone else. Gruesome images of himself flash before his eyes and he lives the fantasy. He pushes someone down like a ragdoll and tears their plate away, all the way grinning like a madman before death row. He’d hang the plate from a chain again and walk away, renewed and significant again.
The images turn more horrid though and Kame feels cold sweat forming on his forehead. He slumps to the floor under the filthy sink and holds his chest, breathing heavily. His fingers twitch as his imaginary-self sinks his teeth in the number plate and feels it crumble down his chin. He licks his lips and munches at the number, ready to digest it and move on, filled with greed that resembles a dangerous addiction. Then there are more numbers, always more plates, there are people’s horrified and desperate cries that echo from the walls, faces that are right behind him and -
An old man stumbles into the restroom with a giggling woman, his arm draped around her shoulder. They laugh and glance at Kame briefly before pushing into a cubicle and closing the door behind them. Kame snaps out of his trance and stares after them with widened eyes.
Kame starts feeling awkward and takes one last look at his ashen complexion before he walks away. The loud noise of zipper coming undone and shuffling clothes make him feel a bit sick in a way that almost makes him feel content. To think that right now at this moment he’s less worthy than those two right there…
He’s back in the shop now, and a security camera greets him by turning to look at him. Seriously… He rolls his eyes and stomps away, not caring all too much.
He’s having an identity crisis, that’s what he’s having. He closes his eyes and gulps nervously as he walks out of the store, still feeling the cashier’s pointed look at his back. It’s just an identity crisis. He’s doubting himself. He’ll drive himself crazy for sure if he lets it win. Now that’d be a cherry on the top.
He opens his wary eyes and shivers - it’s starting to get chilly. His clothes are still damp, clinging to his skin and the last time he showered was in the morning. It must be way past midnight now. At least no one seems interested to assault him on the darker streets.
A pair of women with their arms linked walk past him. One of them is smoking, the other one’s just struggling to walk straight with her dangerously high stilettos. Fishnets. Whores, Kame notes absently, staring at their thickly painted faces. He could be wrong. Then again, he doesn’t think he is.
One of the women has a number - 9281 - tattooed to her arm. Kame peers at it curiously and feels his heart pounding. The other woman shares a similar tattoo, a sequence of numbers printed at her shoulder blade.
He gets an idea and rushes back inside the store.
This is a fight he’s going to win, no matter what it takes. He’s encountered a lot, he’s risen above a lot. This isn’t the thing that is going to take him down. Nothing will take him down.
Fifteen minutes later he’s back in the restroom listening to the loud ruckus emerging from the locked cubicle. Moans, wet and slippery sounds, screams, dirty talking. He looks his reflection in the eyes darkly and lifts his shirt. The light starts to flicker.
He pulls his purchase out of the tiny plain white plastic bag with a rustle and goes ahead.
2008
“You’re never around,” his boyfriend accuses him with his arms crossed and a pissed off look on his face. Kame kind of wants to defend himself - it’s not his fault, not entirely. His work has always been hectic and the man should’ve expected that, he’s sure he’s always made it crystal clear.
“I do my best,” he finally decides to say, slouching past the man with aspirin pills in his hand. He gets a bottle of cold water from the fridge and starts pouring himself a glassful. There’s a sound of shuffling clothes behind him, someone turning around.
Bomb on its way. It isn’t the first time. Kame gulps down the aspirin with a roll of his eyes and wipes his mouth before turning around as well, leaning against the kitchen counter defensively. He doesn’t really want to fight.
“Just come back from the party, won’t you?” he suggests wearily and rubs his swollen eyes. God, he’s so tired. There’s only so much choreography one can learn in a day for the upcoming concert. And they aren’t even clothed in their costumes in a sauna of concert attendees. This is nothing yet. “You can sleep here. You have the key, just crawl in. Then we can have breakfast together.”
“You know this party is important to me, Kazu,” the man insists sharply. “I already told everyone you’d be accompanying me.”
“I really can’t,” Kame groans and rubs his temples. He makes sure to sound apologetic, though. He is, he did promise to go. But there’s only so much he can take and it’s just been really tough lately and he thinks he’s running out of batteries. It’s not a good sign. He shouldn’t, not now. He’s got a few months to keep his best appearance up without slips or thousands of people will catch his mistakes.
“Am I the last one on your list of priorities?” the man asks him. His voice is stable and Kame closes his eyes, sinking into it. He’s got a bad feeling about this. His instincts are often right. “So I am, am I not?”
“Of course not,” he hisses and glares at the man. “You know I love you. I really do. But I’ve got to invest my energy into work, you do understand that, don’t you? I’m an idol, I know it sounds a lot like sitting around and looking pretty but it’s nothing like that.”
“Well, obviously,” the man scoffs and looks away. He’s biting his lip, trying to hold his anger in, Kame knows that look. “The question is how important am I actually to you? Will you ever sacrifice anything for me?”
His demands are unfair. Kame snorts and feels his hands clenching into tight fists. God, he hates fighting. He’s tired enough already as it is. “I love you and I’m serious about you. Isn’t that enough?” he snarls, tilting his head threateningly. Well, now that they’re at it, he’s not going to go down without standing up for himself. “I’m really sorry about this party, but I can barely stand on my feet. I just want to crawl to bed and get some sleep. I can’t really think about anything else. Can you just come here and hug me good night?”
“I do understand that,” his boyfriend croaks and his eyes are looking glossy. He doesn’t cry though, Kame’s never seen him cry. Tough guy. His eyes only glisten every now and then when they fight or when his team wins a match. It’s a part of his charm. “It’s just that I’m not sure if this is what I’m looking for, Kazu.”
His words throw Kame off - he had not been expecting them. He gulps and finally detaches himself from the counter to walk over. He lays his palm on his boyfriend’s cheek but he turns his face away.
It’s funny how fast everything can crumble away.
“You sure?” he asks silently, heart pounding painfully. It feels surreal. It’s only been several months, but he doesn’t feel like he’s done quite yet. He’s been very devoted to this, even if it doesn’t come across all the time. “Hey. Be clear with what you’re saying now.”
“I want someone who stands by my side,” the man murmurs to him and buries his fingers in Kame’s hair. “Participates in my life too. Goes out with my friends and is ready to make time for me, no matter how difficult it is. I just feel like you aren’t giving me that.”
Kame licks his lips nervously and stares into the man’s eyes, searching. His hands are on the man’s sides, holding on to him gently. But… He’s giving his best now. And who knows what things will develop into, how his schedules will look in five years. They could get even worse. He’s a Johnny’s.
“…This is my best,” he admits softly and lets his hands fall. It’s kind of painful. Last time he fell in love, he fell out of love too before the separation. This time is his first nasty break-up with someone he’d really want to be with. It’s a bitter feeling.
The man wraps his arms around him and holds him. Kame feels his eyelids sliding shut and he hugs back, clinging onto the hope. Maybe it’s just a false alarm. Maybe love is enough. He breathes in the scent emitting from the man’s neck, his cologne.
“I think we should break up,” a quiet voice says. The words are spoken soothingly. Kame feels his own eyes glistening and he ends up shedding quite a few tears. There’s nothing girly about it. It’s just who he is.
He caresses the man’s number plate, attached to the fabric loops made for the belt, kind of like Jin’s. He smiles at the memory and nuzzles up close before withdrawing. He crosses his arms comfortingly and nods.
“You’re going to be late,” he notes softly with a choked up voice and nods towards the door. “You can get your stuff when it works for you. Leave your key when you’re done, won’t you?”
“Will you be alright?” the man asks him, voice strained and shaky. He looks guilty. There’s nothing he can do about it, though. Not genuinely.
“I’ll be fine,” he answers with an affirming nod. “I’ll go to sleep. I’ll feel better tomorrow. Don’t worry about it.”
The man nods awkwardly and waves his hand. Then he turns his back to Kame and walks away. Kame tries to swallow down the hiccups and painful feeling in his chest. He’s tempted to get a bottle of wine from the cupboard but he’s got work tomorrow. He already feels shitty enough.
So he just crawls to bed and lets the bugging sensation of being alone get to him. It’s lonely and silent. Solitude isn’t his thing at all.
“Kame.”
Kame turns around, eyeing the figure behind him on the subway platform through narrowed eyes. Jin stuffs his fists in the pockets of his hoodie and stomps forward awkwardly until he stands next to Kame. He’s looking around, though. At people. Everything.
The atmosphere he emits is almost relaxing. Kame sees the subway approaching from the distance. Lights. He lets out a lazy exhale.
They both step on the same carriage and Jin guides him with a light touch on his wrist. They sit down and an old man frowns in displeasure before he stands up and stomps away. Kame turns to look at Jin. His eyes have returned to him.
“I’m sorry,” the man mutters and Kame nods understandingly. “I lost my cool.”
Then there’s silence. Kame doesn’t know whether he should forgive the man or not. He’s looking life through a different lens now - people look different from what they used to be now. No one cares, not really. People are funnily egoistical. He doesn’t know why he should.
“I feel like I’m constantly choking,” Jin croaks quietly and rubs his throat. A warm sensation starts spreading from Kame’s stomach as he looks back to the older man who’s sitting crouched on his seat, eyes deep and hollow. He knows the feeling.
“It just means you still exist,” Kame notes lazily and crosses his legs.
“I can’t change how I feel about you,” Jin sputters hopelessly. His gaze is penetrating. “It’s always been like that, you know. I just thought that. That maybe now. Maybe now you would. You know.”
“Accept it?” Kame chuckles. So, Jin has figured they’re low enough now, beaten down enough to dig up all the things they never got around to. It’s like a death wish, chiming dangerously.
Not that there’s anyone to scold them about the temptation now. Kame examines Jin’s lips, tightly pressed together. The sparkle between them is as subtle as ever.
“Depends,” he continues and looks out of the window to see another platform passing by in a flash of light. “How do you feel about me now?”
“I love you,” Jin answers. No unnecessary ruffles and sugar-coating. Plain simple and heart-filled truth. “…I think it’s the only thing I’m able to feel anymore.”
“And after that’s gone?”
“Nothing.”
It’s kind of a shame. Kame examines Jin sadly. He doesn’t have much to offer, only one simple and sincere feeling he carries with him. His self is faded. He’s nearly nothing now. Was already the last time Kame saw him.
“I’m kind of tired,” he sighs and leans his head against Jin’s shoulder. He feels the man jump slightly and smiles, even though he feels a headache approaching again. He’s been having those a lot lately. Funny, since it’s difficult to even feel stressed anymore. There’s nowhere to go, nothing to do.
They make it to Jin’s apartment where they cosy up on his bed. His legs are around the man’s hips and his cheek rests against the hollow between his collar bones. His eyes are closed and Jin’s arms are gently draped around him, holding him like something precious. Important.
“Thank you,” Jin whispers to him numbly before he drifts off.
Kame’s confident enough with himself to know that this is what he wants.
2009
Koki has a party at his house and everyone in KAT-TUN has their name written down on the guest list. Kame finds himself quite surprised about Koki’s friends - only a few have the gangster aura and the variety of personalities and appearances is astonishing. Koki’s an absolutely great person after all.
A few hours in he finds himself spacing away by the window with a glass in his hand. He’s holding the stem gently with his fingers and following the rain. It’s almost snowing, but not quite. He’s kind of wondering where his life goes from this point on. The ratings of his newest drama are low, he can’t keep up a proper relationship and sometimes it feels like nothing goes well, no matter how hard he tries.
“You drunkard,” a familiar voice accuses and Kame turns his head, surprised that the words have been directed at him. Jin looks slightly hesitant but eager to approach so Kame turns to face him properly with his whole body. These occasions aren’t exactly common.
“Are you accusing me of being a drunk?” he asks amusedly, unable to hold back his smile. “I think something’s really wrong here.”
“Wine,” Jin tries to justify his claim and points at Kame’s drink. “It feels like a lot of the time I see you, you’re holding a glass of wine.”
Kame frowns disbelievingly. He doesn’t drink that much, and he mostly sees Jin at work and he certainly isn’t sipping wine at work. He wonders where the man is getting at.
It’s a good thing Jin seems to pick up his confusion as well. “Your drama, I mean. Drinking wine and making orgasmic faces all the time.”
“It’s not real wine,” Kame laughs, finally understanding. “It’s coloured water, actually. So no, I don’t actually drink that much,” he chuckles as Jin makes his way closer. He’s notably taller than Kame nowadays, even though during their junior years their height matched almost perfectly. Kame wonders if he’s fallen behind Jin on other levels too.
“Yeah, I figured,” Jin admits nervously and takes a swig from his beer bottle. Kame faintly recalls Jin blabbering to him how much he absolutely hated beer when he had turned legal and drunk before Kame just to piss him off. That try had obviously failed, though. “It was just a joke.”
Jin’s jokes used to feel more natural too. Now he’s so awkward the atmosphere feels really heavy. Kame does his best to appear unfazed and drinks his wine. It makes him feel unbelievably posh. Must be the drama. He knows much more about wine now than he’s ever bothered to. It’s pretty great.
“How are you doing?” Jin suddenly asks with a much more serious voice. Kame peers up at him curiously. “I can’t help but wonder. I heard about the ratings. And Nakamaru told me about that baseball player. I can’t read you and I was just worried, you don’t usually stand alone in a party.”
“Ah,” Kame nods. Quite a long list of explanations for one simple question. “I’m fine. Really. Just a little tired, but that’s nothing special on our line of work.”
“You sure?” Jin insists with a soft murmur. Kame nods with a smile and pats Jin’s shoulder. He isn’t exactly sure why Jin cares, but maybe it’s the good person in him. Kame knows it exists, he’s seen it do stupid stuff to protect people important to Jin. It’s kind of flattering he apparently still counts as someone somewhat important.
Jin’s lips are slightly pursed and his gaze is directed down at the bottle in his hand. His neck muscles look very strained, like he’s holding something back. Years can pass but somehow Kame feels like he’ll always know this particular friend inside out. There’s only so much a person can change.
“You loved that baseball player?” Jin finally tries to talk again, stumbling a little with his words. Kame stares at him stupidly, not quite understanding Jin after all. It’s confusing, because normally Jin is transparent. He must be missing something. It’s not like Jin can be homophobic, Kame’s seen his friends and, well, they’re quite a colourful bunch. Jin’s all for acceptance and equality. At least that’s what Kame thinks. His American habits.
“Yes,” he nods and takes a bigger mouthful of wine. “I did.” And because it’s part of the etiquette, “Have you been seeing someone lately? I can’t seem to keep track of your relationships. Even the gossiping juniors can’t,” he tries to grin. He doesn’t want to think about his own relationship failures. He’s still letting the wounds heal. It gets easier every day but still.
“Not in a while,” Jin answers and bows his head a little. His face gets hidden behind his fringe and Kame feels an urge to swipe the hair behind his ear but he holds back. Too intimate for their current relationship status. “I haven’t dated in… maybe a year? I’ve had some people for a longer time, though, but… nothing for over a month. Except for one night stands.”
“Mmmh,” Kame nods understandingly. “Well… good luck for us for next time then, huh?” he suggests and offers his glass towards Jin. Jin glances at him nervously before he clashes his bottle against Kame’s glass and they both take a swig.
The alcohol burns warmly in Kame’s belly. Jin’s silent again. He looks anxious for some reason and Kame wonders if he should ask if something’s wrong, but he decides against it after a while. Nakamaru, Yamapi and Ryo are around too, and even Taguchi and Ueda. All of them probably go well beyond him when it comes to people Jin can lean on with his problems.
“It’s nice talking to you,” Jin finally murmurs warmly. The tone of his voice makes Kame feel warm and bubbly. He remembers the feeling from their youth and it feels like it would’ve been ten years ago or something even though it’s only been about four.
“Nostalgic, huh,” he agrees with a nod. “We don’t do this much nowadays.”
“No, we don’t,” Jin agrees with a shaky voice and fiddles with his beer bottle again. “I feel like I’m only watching you from a distance nowadays. Or through the TV screen.”
“Strange.” Well, it is. It sounds like some weird voyeurism, except that Jin probably doesn’t mean it like that. He’s just having trouble articulating his thoughts again. He’s not going to point that out, though, it’s already awkward enough.
Jin seems a bit taken aback by his answer anyway and he licks his lips nervously, turning his head away. Kame scans the guests in the room with his eyes. Almost no one is looking at them. Or maybe they’re just pretending not to look.
Yamapi turns his head away. Kame smiles. Talking about nostalgia. It’s funny how much they’ve all grown. No more raging hormones, fumbling experiences or clashing friendships. Life is more stable now. It makes Kame feel grateful.
“Thank you,” he says to Jin finally and the man’s face snaps towards him again. Jin looks a little flushed and breathless. “Somehow I feel much better now. Like things are going to get better from here as long as I endure it.”
“Life will always have things to offer to you,” Jin croaks and nods awkwardly. Kame chuckles and raises his glass a little again.
“I hope you’re happy,” he says and finds himself sincerely meaning his words. Jin nods stiffly before Kame walks away, eager to converse with people again. He kind of feels like there’s nothing he can’t do.
“I’m just slipping through,” Jin whispers to him, smoke trailing its way towards the ceiling. It disappears somewhere along the way. Kame exhales and Jin’s dry and rough lips caress his ear. There’s a lazy hand draped under his back, holding his hip. “How about you?”
“I’m here,” Kame answers determinately with a ghost of a smile on his lips. He turns his eyes to Jin, shuffling in his hold. Their noses brush together and Jin tilts his chin to steal a short suck of lips from him. Kame presses forward to deepen the kiss shortly. “You know I’m always here.”
“Like a cockroach,” Jin chuckles and takes another drag from the cigarette. “In a nuclear war.”
“Gorgeous,” Kame scoffs and rolls his eyes. Jin snuggles into his warmth and sighs contently.
It’s comfortable.
Kame moves one of his legs over Jin and raises his lips until he’s lying on top of the older man with his back against Jin’s chest. Jin’s breathing is heavier and his hips buck gently, questioningly. Kame tosses his cigarette to the ashtray on the night stand. Jin follows his cue and drapes his arms around Kame. Kame lets his head slip over Jin’s shoulder.
“You are gorgeous,” Jin whimpers from under him, almost drowsily except that he’s not, not really. Perhaps slightly overwhelmed if anything. “…This is strange.”
“Good,” Kame corrects him with a grumble and pecks his cheek wetly. “This is good. Is it not?”
“…It is,” Jin agrees with a heavy sigh. His hands trail down to Kame’s denim-covered hips which he holds for a while before he decides to remove his hands to push himself to sit up against the headboard. Kame doesn’t budge from where he is. Jin’s hands snake to rub his inner thighs gently and Kame gulps, tossing his head back a little.
“You feel warm,” Jin notes gently against his scapular. His lips brush gently the cloth covered-skin. Kame’s eyelids slide shut.
“Mm.”
Jin’s hands trail up again. They caress him through his shirt, slowly and experimentally, searching for his buttons. Collarbones, every hollow between his ribs. He dips his finger in Kame’s navel and Kame gasps, arching a little and frowning. It’s good. Teasing. Slow.
“I’m afraid to touch you,” Jin whispers embarrassedly and buries his face in Kame’s shoulder. “Seeing you naked… doing it with you… it really changes everything, doesn’t it? Permanently. And because we’ve waited for so long there’s this p-pressure… If I screw this up…”
“It’s fine,” Kame answers and swallows the saliva gathering in his mouth. Jin is slowly starting to awaken, he can feel it under him. “Whatever’s fine.”
He means his words. He’s thought about it too, he’s worried senseless and used it as an excuse not to pursue this, not embarrass himself completely, make Jin say ‘maybe this wasn’t such a good idea after all’ and leave him empty-handed after the leap. But the feeling is mutual, and it’s not like there’s anyone else Jin can run to now. He’s certain. He doesn’t care.
Jin’s hand cups the front of Kame’s jeans and Kame sighs heavily, squirming slightly. It’s intimate and stumbling but it’s fine, it’s going rather well for now. The baby steps they’re taking.
Kame moans and trembles weakly when Jin’s fingers dip inside his briefs and stroke him. Jin’s hips start gently undulating underneath him and Kame’s breathing comes out in sharp gasps. His fingers grip the mattress and Jin’s teeth gently nip at his neck and shoulder exposed by the neckline of his shirt.
Kame cries out a bit when Jin rubs the head of his awakening erection. He feels like the skeleton of his upper body would be evaporating and he lies boneless over Jin with his heavy weight. Not that Jin seems to mind. He’s whimpering a bit, just a little sound Kame’s ears would probably miss if he didn’t make it at such a close proximity.
“Good?” Jin whispers to him and Kame struggles to nod. Jin removes his hand and he bites his lip - the jeans are slowly starting to become tight. It’s fine for now, but he doesn’t know for how long. Not with Jin pressed against him and exploring him with his hands.
Talking about Jin’s hands, he’s unzipping Kame’s jeans. Kame turns his head to kiss the man’s temple, squirming slightly to reach it. Jin rises to meet his lips and Kame parts them for deeper access.
Jin’s nails sink deep in Kame’s hips and Kame gasps and arches his back. He cries softly as they move upwards, towards his belly and -
Pain. Sharp and alarming. Jin’s hands tremble warily as they trace over the…
Wetness drips down Kame’s side. He decides it’s time to go.
“Kame?” Jin asks him worriedly. “What was that? W-what…”
Kame jumps on his feet and exits the room. Jin rushes after him quickly, wiping his bloodied fingers against his shirt in panic.
“Shit, Kame, you’re bleeding,” he gasps and Kame slams the bathroom door shut behind him. “Kame, what was it?!”
“Crap,” Kame curses and starts pressing toilet paper over his opened wound. “Crap. ”
“Kame!” Jin demands attention from the other side of the door by banging it angrily. “What the fuck was it?! You’re the only thing I have left anymore so start speaking up, now! Kame!”
Kame zips his jeans back up again and washes the wound slightly. It’ll close again. The bleeding’s already lessening. Everything is alright. False alarm. He’d just panicked. And, by the sounds of it, Jin has panicked even worse.
“It’s fine,” he calls surely back to Jin. “I’m fine.”
“Then open the door,” Jin asks and tries the handle. Kame considers it. He patches himself up with some bandage from the cupboards. Jin’s probably pressing his ear against the door by now. He wants to say he doesn’t care. The thing just happens to be that he does.
He opens the door and Jin immediately pulls his shirt up. Kame growls and pulls it back down, hiding the bandages under the fabric. They eye each other warily and Jin looks pissed and betrayed. After a moment of heated staring, he however wraps his arms around Kame and pulls him close, all the while gritting his teeth together.
“I’ll go out for a walk,” Kame announces. “I’ll take Ran-chan with me. She needs one.”
“Kame,” Jin tries but Kame walks away with a ruffle of his hair. Jin feels hollow as he follows him with his arms crossed over his chest. Kame ignores him as he prepares Ran by snapping the flexi leash to her collar. She wags her tail happily and sniffs Kame’s fingers.
“Just come back,” Jin talks quietly, leaning against the foyer wall as Kame pulls his boots on. “I’ll wait, okay?”
“I’ll be back,” Kame assures him as he opens the door. Jin draws in a sharp breath and steps forward.
“One more thing.”
“Hm?” Kame asks as he turns around. Ran is trying to pull forward with her leash, eager to go and sniff the nearest streetlight. “What is it?”
“…Did you ever report it?” Jin asks him quietly. His gaze is penetrating but Kame refuses to let his gaze falter. He knows what Jin means. He’d be stupid if he wouldn’t.
“No,” he answers honestly. Jin nods and sucks his lips in nervously. Kame waves his hand and heads towards the streets with a cheery dog by his side.
Jin doesn’t call after him. He probably needs some time to dwell on it. Kame can’t blame him… He must surely enough really appear to be a nutcase whacko right now. Great.
It’s good that Jin doesn’t have a second option and he’s harboured his feelings for so long. Otherwise… Kame might really worry about losing him.
He doesn’t think he can quite stomach that final loss anymore.
2009
Ran-chan and Sakura wag their tails and bark excitedly. They’re pulling on their leashes shamelessly - Kame has to admit that some of the dog-schooling never worked out with him because he went too easy with his adorable puppy when she was still such a baby. He still does it, and by the looks of it, Koki’s just the same. They’re dog people. As long as no one’s getting dog teeth sunken to their ankles, things should be fine.
“You look better,” Koki notes amidst the light chitchat they’re having and flashes a knowing smirk to Kame. “Much, much better, if I may say. Have you been up to anything new recently?”
“Not really,” Kame admits. “Drama filming ended, though. Final episode will air this week. Then it’s done with. I might get a small role as a visiting actor in Kimura Takuya’s newest drama, though. I’m really looking forward to that. I hope I won’t screw it up, this year really hasn’t worked for me. They’re bound to put me on an acting break if the ratings continue being this low.”
“It’s not your fault the wine drama was totally boring,” Koki snorts crankily. “Only wine freaks and your hardcore fans watch that shit, seriously. You’ve been working a lot this year, it should pay off.”
“I hope so,” Kame nods. “I’m trying not to think about it too much. Otherwise I get depressed.”
“Well, there’s always KAT-TUN and Dream Boys. You’ll be busy to the point of collapsing again soon enough,” Koki points out with a yawn. He’s right - the schedule is going to be merciless. Kame’s already memorised all of his Dream Boys lines and lyrics, but there’s still a lot of choreography to catch up with.
Sakura tries to jump over Ran-chan and they have to pause their conversation until they manage to sort out the leashes again. Kame sighs and helps Ran-chan on his shoulders affectionately. She sniffs his ear excitedly with her cold and wet nose and Kame shivers a little, trying to appear calm and composed.
“I saw you chatting with Jin at the party,” Koki suddenly says and Kame wonders why is it that his bandmates are so curious about everything between the two of them. He hardly ever gets these weird questions out of nowhere about anyone else. Jin, Jin, Jin. They’re probably hinting at something. Kame considers making his opinion about their relationship clear to someone soon if this doesn’t stop.
“Yeah, we talked for a little,” he admits. “Nothing special. We just caught up with each other a little.”
“Hmmmmm,” Koki nods enthusiastically and Kame thinks that ‘hmm’ was a little too long. He sighs and tries to ignore it - knowing his bandmates, they’ll get all childish over any signs of denial as well. It’s weird they haven’t taken the hint even though it’s been years. “You’ve been quite happy afterwards, though.”
“Coincidence,” Kame insists calmly, looking at the sky while walking. The weather is brilliant - spring is on its way. The cherry trees are waiting for the time of their blooming. Manly or not, Kame quite loves the pink tint they give to the city. Japanese aesthetics. He’s looking forward to it too.
“Maybe you two should talk more,” Koki suggests. “I think there might be more to him than you think. You’re both adults now, aren’t you?”
“What is that even supposed to mean…” Kame sighs heavily. That it’s expected of them? That they’ll stand each other more now? But that was never the problem. Of course it could be that Koki’s just hinting that Jin’s already over the mess they went through when they were younger.
He thinks he would quite like that. If there’s a chance they could be good friends again then why not? It’s not like he has anything against it per se, he’s mostly just worried that it won’t work out after all and he has to feel disappointed over himself and Jin all over again. He now knows who he is, and the same probably applies to Jin, but the problem is that Jin has the talent for making him doubt everything about himself if he’s given the chance.
Hours later Kame crawls under his blanket and he thinks about it. Ran-chan’s beside him and the lamp sitting on his nightstand is casting a warm colour over the sheets. Kame thinks about his life and the people he’s met along the way, everything that’s been important to him.
“A lot of things have been important to me,” he whispers to Ran-chan gently and ruffles her behind her ear affectionately. “People. Work. So much has happened, you know? Juniors look up to me as a role model, that means I’ve been successful, doesn’t it? And friends…” His voice fades and Ran-chan whines nervously, pushing Kame’s palm with her nose. “Shh. I was just thinking,” he admits and purses his lips a little while peering at his lamp hazily. “That people are the most important thing to me, you know. What they think, company. As long as I have that… I think I’m going to be fine. Don’t you think so?”
Ran-chan doesn’t answer, of course. She gets on her paws and pushes her way under Kame’s blanket, making him chuckle a bit. He wraps his arm around her small figure and turns the lamp off, ready to get some proper rest before work.
“And you,” he still whispers to the silence. “You’re important too. So don’t be cranky at me. Good night, Ran-chan. Have sweet dreams.”
She yanks on the number plate around Kame’s neck and Kame whines a bit as he saves it from her teeth. “Silly dog,” he murmurs and holds it in his palm. He buries his face in the soft pillow he has and listens to the sound of his own deepening breathing. It’s like the possibilities are right there waiting for him.
He’s number eight, and he’ll forever be number eight. He’s special, and eventually he’ll see it himself too.
“It has come to our knowledge that the police have caught the perpetrator. He’s currently undergoing medical surgery due to attempting to stomach too many identities, but the police refuse to give clear information about his current whereabouts. This will bring an end to the identity theft of reportedly 21 victims. The head of Tokyo’s police force, Nakamoto Jouji, has scheduled a press conference in an hour. He will release more information about the case and the perpetrator-”
Kame turns the television off, feeling numb and weak. Jin doesn’t say a word from where he’s standing, framed by the doorframe. Ran-chan sleeps soundly on Kame’s lap on the armchair where he’s stroking her fur absently, staring into distance.
“You’ll probably get your number back then, huh,” he attempts a conversation after a long, strangling moment of silence. “Congratulations.”
Jin shifts uncomfortably. Kame can hear the rustle of his clothes. He licks his lips anxiously, starting to feel alarmingly cold inside.
“They’ll have your number too, you know,” Jin whispers with an assuring voice and walks over to gently massaging Kame’s shoulders. Tries to soothe him, turn his head. He probably knows already. Maybe he’s known all along.
“I don’t want it,” Kame lets the words come out. Irrational, insane and idiotic. Jin’s massage gets rougher by a notch. Kame’s mouth feels dry. “I’m not planning on taking it back even if I could.”
“Kame.”
“I don’t need it,” Kame sighs and closes his eyes to keep calm. Ran-chan is starting to twitch uncomfortably in her sleep. “I might sound like an idiot, but… right now… I’m content. My head feels clearer than it has in years, if ever.”
“Kazu.” Silent. Insistent.
“If I have to choose between my career and you, I choose you,” Kame answers softly and buries his fingers in Ran-chan’s soft fur. She’s breathing gently. Her presence is calming. “I think I’ve worked enough for a lifetime. I never saw it before, but now… I don’t want to go back. This is all I need. Other than this… I don’t really care much.”
“Have you lost your mind?” Jin croaks weakly and kisses his shoulder. “You want to continue being nothing? Nothing at all? Not worth a second glance?”
“No,” Kame disagrees with a shake of his head, “I don’t see it that way. When I have you beside me…” His voice trails off. Jin sighs and wraps his arms around Kame’s torso. “I feel like there’s this world just for the two of us. One that we build up. With you I’m not so insignificant. So… as long as I have that… I don’t want to change. Go back to being the Kamenashi Kazuya everyone loved but abandoned just like that when I lost it. Myself.”
“…I never reported it,” Jin confesses weakly. Kame turns his head, dumbfounded. Jin looks weak. He’s biting his lip. It’s worrying. “I-I never… called in and… I mean, no one gave a shit so I just…”
The silence falls again. Jin is trembling slightly, staring at Kame anxiously like he’s his lifeline. Maybe he is.
“The world doesn’t need us,” he announces strongly. “People don’t need us. No one else does. Just the two of us.”
Jin nods breathlessly. He feels distant, though. Kame helps Ran-chan up and she wails quietly before padding towards the kitchen sleepily. He gets up on his feet and starts walking towards the TV to set the remote beside it.
“Don’t go,” Jin wheezes and gets up on his feet, alarmed. Kame turns around, feeling humoured. Jin should know better by now.
“I’m infinity,” he whispers to Jin, eyes narrowed in determination. He feels a crooked smile making its way on his lips, bitter in a sense the taste in his mouth is. He walks over again and pecks Jin’s lips lightly before he lets himself slowly fall beyond the couch’s armrest. His back makes a delicate curve and his fingers caress the carved pride in his hip - ugly, imperfect and never-to-disappear-again. 8. He exposes his teeth ever so slightly, cocking his head. Jin’s expression remains the same apathetic one as his eyes take in the view.
“I’m still nothing,” the man whispers back, his gaze averting. Kame smirks at him and draws him closer by hooking his leg around his back.
“Don’t you know by now… we’re never nothing,” he gasps, eyes wide and crazed. Jin holds his hips and swifts his thumb carelessly over the ragged skin. And, at that moment, they’re exactly what they are, identities ripped away and abandoned. Pure.
“This is what we are,” Jin agrees, determined to cling to him. His only tie to his self, his emotion. Jin’s hitched breath tickles Kame’s ear and his body trembles on top of him. Kame peers up at Jin, gripping him tightly.
And so infinity and nothing choose to go on.
Kame hasn’t done many serious relationships after Yamapi. An occasional woman here and there for a few weeks or if nicely stretched even luckily a few months, but that’s about it. He does get infatuated with people every now and then and sometimes the feeling is mutual, but Kame fails to actually fall in love with anyone. It’s a natural process he would like to occur sometime. He’s starting to suspect that maybe women aren’t his thing at all after all, maybe his genuine emotions are across the fence. It could very well be. He’s felt pansexual since he was a teenager.
That’s probably why he feels so nervous when a man makes a move on him, a man who’s got his own popularity to protect so he can’t be just trying to dig for nasty rumours about him to sell to the magazines. He’s a baseball player, someone whose name Kame recalls coming across in a magazine or two. He isn’t particularly famous there but with luck and skill he might get there. It’s needless to say he’s got Kame’s admiration.
They actually meet through a common friend at a party with tall glasses of champagne and people walking around in suits and conversing. They hit it on surprisingly well with some flirting here and there and sooner than Kame really anticipates it, he ends up exchanging numbers with the man. After that it’s just endless uphill.
He’s still finishing up the filming for 1 Pound Gospel so their schedules don’t match in the beginning which is quite aggravating for Kame. He’s unsure with his feelings too - is this really something he wants to pursue and why so?
He takes his aggressiveness out on boxing at the gym with Ueda and some co-workers from the drama set. He tries to keep his head straight, tries to think about himself and who he is and he knows himself, he’s very work-orientated and it’s his number one priority but he thinks he might really like this guy and the risk might be worth it if he keeps himself in check during the relationship. No stupid stunts or such. The man probably agrees with him.
After some occasional meetings for coffee, lunch and dinner, Kame finds himself pressing the man against his foyer wall and breathing raggedly against his Adam’s apple. His blood is boiling and the man’s hands are holding his hips possessively. That’s when he loses all coherency and knows that even though he does find women attractive, he wants to spend the rest of his life with a man. The decision isn’t so hard after all.
Kame rolls over the man on his bed, still sweaty from the act, and kisses his lips calmly. The man answers by trailing his palms up and down Kame’s muscled arms and smiling drowsily. There’s an emotion stirring in Kame’s chest.
They start going out not too long after that. Kame thinks he might’ve gotten ridiculously lucky, having the two passions of his life tied so close to him. Could be faith, not that he believes in it. But it could be.
No one really looks at him more than once anymore. They scan him for a number plate and once they note its absence they turn their gazes away. He feels like trash. It’s starting to get a bit funny - Kamenashi Kazuya, trash. Not Japan’s top idol, not a lady magnet, no one important. Trash.
His self is kind of dirtied and pathetic now. Flashing lights are gone. He’s starting to grow stubble. Five o’clock shadow.
A barely clad woman grants him a sultry look perfected with a crooked smile. Then her gaze turns away. The streetlights flicker above Kame and he glances at them apathetically. He extends his hand towards the light and just watches for a while.
Being nothing and no one feels utterly idiotic.
He walks into a public restroom in a supermarket that happily informs it’s open 24/7 with a huge and flickering neon sign. The cashier chews gum and smells like cheap perfume and sweat as she shuffles cards. The shop isn’t particularly busy. Kame sees a drunken man and a woman who keeps muttering to herself dangerously slipping through the racks of canned food. It’s a bit of a darker area.
He pushes the door open to the restroom and stops before the cracked window in front of the sink. His skin looks clammy and disgusting. There’s a fly that circulates around his head, buzzing annoyingly, and Kame almost admits defeat and slumps against the door.
He doesn’t feel much anymore. Mostly just bitterness. He kind of feels like his eyes have finally been opened, like he can really actually see now.
The world isn’t such a beautiful sugar-coated place after all.
He grows desperate. He sure as hell can’t live like this, can he? There were times in the past when he wished to trade lives with someone. Now he’s got nothing to offer in a trade anymore and he can’t help thinking what it would be like to simply become someone else. Gruesome images of himself flash before his eyes and he lives the fantasy. He pushes someone down like a ragdoll and tears their plate away, all the way grinning like a madman before death row. He’d hang the plate from a chain again and walk away, renewed and significant again.
The images turn more horrid though and Kame feels cold sweat forming on his forehead. He slumps to the floor under the filthy sink and holds his chest, breathing heavily. His fingers twitch as his imaginary-self sinks his teeth in the number plate and feels it crumble down his chin. He licks his lips and munches at the number, ready to digest it and move on, filled with greed that resembles a dangerous addiction. Then there are more numbers, always more plates, there are people’s horrified and desperate cries that echo from the walls, faces that are right behind him and -
An old man stumbles into the restroom with a giggling woman, his arm draped around her shoulder. They laugh and glance at Kame briefly before pushing into a cubicle and closing the door behind them. Kame snaps out of his trance and stares after them with widened eyes.
Kame starts feeling awkward and takes one last look at his ashen complexion before he walks away. The loud noise of zipper coming undone and shuffling clothes make him feel a bit sick in a way that almost makes him feel content. To think that right now at this moment he’s less worthy than those two right there…
He’s back in the shop now, and a security camera greets him by turning to look at him. Seriously… He rolls his eyes and stomps away, not caring all too much.
He’s having an identity crisis, that’s what he’s having. He closes his eyes and gulps nervously as he walks out of the store, still feeling the cashier’s pointed look at his back. It’s just an identity crisis. He’s doubting himself. He’ll drive himself crazy for sure if he lets it win. Now that’d be a cherry on the top.
He opens his wary eyes and shivers - it’s starting to get chilly. His clothes are still damp, clinging to his skin and the last time he showered was in the morning. It must be way past midnight now. At least no one seems interested to assault him on the darker streets.
A pair of women with their arms linked walk past him. One of them is smoking, the other one’s just struggling to walk straight with her dangerously high stilettos. Fishnets. Whores, Kame notes absently, staring at their thickly painted faces. He could be wrong. Then again, he doesn’t think he is.
One of the women has a number - 9281 - tattooed to her arm. Kame peers at it curiously and feels his heart pounding. The other woman shares a similar tattoo, a sequence of numbers printed at her shoulder blade.
He gets an idea and rushes back inside the store.
This is a fight he’s going to win, no matter what it takes. He’s encountered a lot, he’s risen above a lot. This isn’t the thing that is going to take him down. Nothing will take him down.
Fifteen minutes later he’s back in the restroom listening to the loud ruckus emerging from the locked cubicle. Moans, wet and slippery sounds, screams, dirty talking. He looks his reflection in the eyes darkly and lifts his shirt. The light starts to flicker.
He pulls his purchase out of the tiny plain white plastic bag with a rustle and goes ahead.
2008
“You’re never around,” his boyfriend accuses him with his arms crossed and a pissed off look on his face. Kame kind of wants to defend himself - it’s not his fault, not entirely. His work has always been hectic and the man should’ve expected that, he’s sure he’s always made it crystal clear.
“I do my best,” he finally decides to say, slouching past the man with aspirin pills in his hand. He gets a bottle of cold water from the fridge and starts pouring himself a glassful. There’s a sound of shuffling clothes behind him, someone turning around.
Bomb on its way. It isn’t the first time. Kame gulps down the aspirin with a roll of his eyes and wipes his mouth before turning around as well, leaning against the kitchen counter defensively. He doesn’t really want to fight.
“Just come back from the party, won’t you?” he suggests wearily and rubs his swollen eyes. God, he’s so tired. There’s only so much choreography one can learn in a day for the upcoming concert. And they aren’t even clothed in their costumes in a sauna of concert attendees. This is nothing yet. “You can sleep here. You have the key, just crawl in. Then we can have breakfast together.”
“You know this party is important to me, Kazu,” the man insists sharply. “I already told everyone you’d be accompanying me.”
“I really can’t,” Kame groans and rubs his temples. He makes sure to sound apologetic, though. He is, he did promise to go. But there’s only so much he can take and it’s just been really tough lately and he thinks he’s running out of batteries. It’s not a good sign. He shouldn’t, not now. He’s got a few months to keep his best appearance up without slips or thousands of people will catch his mistakes.
“Am I the last one on your list of priorities?” the man asks him. His voice is stable and Kame closes his eyes, sinking into it. He’s got a bad feeling about this. His instincts are often right. “So I am, am I not?”
“Of course not,” he hisses and glares at the man. “You know I love you. I really do. But I’ve got to invest my energy into work, you do understand that, don’t you? I’m an idol, I know it sounds a lot like sitting around and looking pretty but it’s nothing like that.”
“Well, obviously,” the man scoffs and looks away. He’s biting his lip, trying to hold his anger in, Kame knows that look. “The question is how important am I actually to you? Will you ever sacrifice anything for me?”
His demands are unfair. Kame snorts and feels his hands clenching into tight fists. God, he hates fighting. He’s tired enough already as it is. “I love you and I’m serious about you. Isn’t that enough?” he snarls, tilting his head threateningly. Well, now that they’re at it, he’s not going to go down without standing up for himself. “I’m really sorry about this party, but I can barely stand on my feet. I just want to crawl to bed and get some sleep. I can’t really think about anything else. Can you just come here and hug me good night?”
“I do understand that,” his boyfriend croaks and his eyes are looking glossy. He doesn’t cry though, Kame’s never seen him cry. Tough guy. His eyes only glisten every now and then when they fight or when his team wins a match. It’s a part of his charm. “It’s just that I’m not sure if this is what I’m looking for, Kazu.”
His words throw Kame off - he had not been expecting them. He gulps and finally detaches himself from the counter to walk over. He lays his palm on his boyfriend’s cheek but he turns his face away.
It’s funny how fast everything can crumble away.
“You sure?” he asks silently, heart pounding painfully. It feels surreal. It’s only been several months, but he doesn’t feel like he’s done quite yet. He’s been very devoted to this, even if it doesn’t come across all the time. “Hey. Be clear with what you’re saying now.”
“I want someone who stands by my side,” the man murmurs to him and buries his fingers in Kame’s hair. “Participates in my life too. Goes out with my friends and is ready to make time for me, no matter how difficult it is. I just feel like you aren’t giving me that.”
Kame licks his lips nervously and stares into the man’s eyes, searching. His hands are on the man’s sides, holding on to him gently. But… He’s giving his best now. And who knows what things will develop into, how his schedules will look in five years. They could get even worse. He’s a Johnny’s.
“…This is my best,” he admits softly and lets his hands fall. It’s kind of painful. Last time he fell in love, he fell out of love too before the separation. This time is his first nasty break-up with someone he’d really want to be with. It’s a bitter feeling.
The man wraps his arms around him and holds him. Kame feels his eyelids sliding shut and he hugs back, clinging onto the hope. Maybe it’s just a false alarm. Maybe love is enough. He breathes in the scent emitting from the man’s neck, his cologne.
“I think we should break up,” a quiet voice says. The words are spoken soothingly. Kame feels his own eyes glistening and he ends up shedding quite a few tears. There’s nothing girly about it. It’s just who he is.
He caresses the man’s number plate, attached to the fabric loops made for the belt, kind of like Jin’s. He smiles at the memory and nuzzles up close before withdrawing. He crosses his arms comfortingly and nods.
“You’re going to be late,” he notes softly with a choked up voice and nods towards the door. “You can get your stuff when it works for you. Leave your key when you’re done, won’t you?”
“Will you be alright?” the man asks him, voice strained and shaky. He looks guilty. There’s nothing he can do about it, though. Not genuinely.
“I’ll be fine,” he answers with an affirming nod. “I’ll go to sleep. I’ll feel better tomorrow. Don’t worry about it.”
The man nods awkwardly and waves his hand. Then he turns his back to Kame and walks away. Kame tries to swallow down the hiccups and painful feeling in his chest. He’s tempted to get a bottle of wine from the cupboard but he’s got work tomorrow. He already feels shitty enough.
So he just crawls to bed and lets the bugging sensation of being alone get to him. It’s lonely and silent. Solitude isn’t his thing at all.
“Kame.”
Kame turns around, eyeing the figure behind him on the subway platform through narrowed eyes. Jin stuffs his fists in the pockets of his hoodie and stomps forward awkwardly until he stands next to Kame. He’s looking around, though. At people. Everything.
The atmosphere he emits is almost relaxing. Kame sees the subway approaching from the distance. Lights. He lets out a lazy exhale.
They both step on the same carriage and Jin guides him with a light touch on his wrist. They sit down and an old man frowns in displeasure before he stands up and stomps away. Kame turns to look at Jin. His eyes have returned to him.
“I’m sorry,” the man mutters and Kame nods understandingly. “I lost my cool.”
Then there’s silence. Kame doesn’t know whether he should forgive the man or not. He’s looking life through a different lens now - people look different from what they used to be now. No one cares, not really. People are funnily egoistical. He doesn’t know why he should.
“I feel like I’m constantly choking,” Jin croaks quietly and rubs his throat. A warm sensation starts spreading from Kame’s stomach as he looks back to the older man who’s sitting crouched on his seat, eyes deep and hollow. He knows the feeling.
“It just means you still exist,” Kame notes lazily and crosses his legs.
“I can’t change how I feel about you,” Jin sputters hopelessly. His gaze is penetrating. “It’s always been like that, you know. I just thought that. That maybe now. Maybe now you would. You know.”
“Accept it?” Kame chuckles. So, Jin has figured they’re low enough now, beaten down enough to dig up all the things they never got around to. It’s like a death wish, chiming dangerously.
Not that there’s anyone to scold them about the temptation now. Kame examines Jin’s lips, tightly pressed together. The sparkle between them is as subtle as ever.
“Depends,” he continues and looks out of the window to see another platform passing by in a flash of light. “How do you feel about me now?”
“I love you,” Jin answers. No unnecessary ruffles and sugar-coating. Plain simple and heart-filled truth. “…I think it’s the only thing I’m able to feel anymore.”
“And after that’s gone?”
“Nothing.”
It’s kind of a shame. Kame examines Jin sadly. He doesn’t have much to offer, only one simple and sincere feeling he carries with him. His self is faded. He’s nearly nothing now. Was already the last time Kame saw him.
“I’m kind of tired,” he sighs and leans his head against Jin’s shoulder. He feels the man jump slightly and smiles, even though he feels a headache approaching again. He’s been having those a lot lately. Funny, since it’s difficult to even feel stressed anymore. There’s nowhere to go, nothing to do.
They make it to Jin’s apartment where they cosy up on his bed. His legs are around the man’s hips and his cheek rests against the hollow between his collar bones. His eyes are closed and Jin’s arms are gently draped around him, holding him like something precious. Important.
“Thank you,” Jin whispers to him numbly before he drifts off.
Kame’s confident enough with himself to know that this is what he wants.
2009
Koki has a party at his house and everyone in KAT-TUN has their name written down on the guest list. Kame finds himself quite surprised about Koki’s friends - only a few have the gangster aura and the variety of personalities and appearances is astonishing. Koki’s an absolutely great person after all.
A few hours in he finds himself spacing away by the window with a glass in his hand. He’s holding the stem gently with his fingers and following the rain. It’s almost snowing, but not quite. He’s kind of wondering where his life goes from this point on. The ratings of his newest drama are low, he can’t keep up a proper relationship and sometimes it feels like nothing goes well, no matter how hard he tries.
“You drunkard,” a familiar voice accuses and Kame turns his head, surprised that the words have been directed at him. Jin looks slightly hesitant but eager to approach so Kame turns to face him properly with his whole body. These occasions aren’t exactly common.
“Are you accusing me of being a drunk?” he asks amusedly, unable to hold back his smile. “I think something’s really wrong here.”
“Wine,” Jin tries to justify his claim and points at Kame’s drink. “It feels like a lot of the time I see you, you’re holding a glass of wine.”
Kame frowns disbelievingly. He doesn’t drink that much, and he mostly sees Jin at work and he certainly isn’t sipping wine at work. He wonders where the man is getting at.
It’s a good thing Jin seems to pick up his confusion as well. “Your drama, I mean. Drinking wine and making orgasmic faces all the time.”
“It’s not real wine,” Kame laughs, finally understanding. “It’s coloured water, actually. So no, I don’t actually drink that much,” he chuckles as Jin makes his way closer. He’s notably taller than Kame nowadays, even though during their junior years their height matched almost perfectly. Kame wonders if he’s fallen behind Jin on other levels too.
“Yeah, I figured,” Jin admits nervously and takes a swig from his beer bottle. Kame faintly recalls Jin blabbering to him how much he absolutely hated beer when he had turned legal and drunk before Kame just to piss him off. That try had obviously failed, though. “It was just a joke.”
Jin’s jokes used to feel more natural too. Now he’s so awkward the atmosphere feels really heavy. Kame does his best to appear unfazed and drinks his wine. It makes him feel unbelievably posh. Must be the drama. He knows much more about wine now than he’s ever bothered to. It’s pretty great.
“How are you doing?” Jin suddenly asks with a much more serious voice. Kame peers up at him curiously. “I can’t help but wonder. I heard about the ratings. And Nakamaru told me about that baseball player. I can’t read you and I was just worried, you don’t usually stand alone in a party.”
“Ah,” Kame nods. Quite a long list of explanations for one simple question. “I’m fine. Really. Just a little tired, but that’s nothing special on our line of work.”
“You sure?” Jin insists with a soft murmur. Kame nods with a smile and pats Jin’s shoulder. He isn’t exactly sure why Jin cares, but maybe it’s the good person in him. Kame knows it exists, he’s seen it do stupid stuff to protect people important to Jin. It’s kind of flattering he apparently still counts as someone somewhat important.
Jin’s lips are slightly pursed and his gaze is directed down at the bottle in his hand. His neck muscles look very strained, like he’s holding something back. Years can pass but somehow Kame feels like he’ll always know this particular friend inside out. There’s only so much a person can change.
“You loved that baseball player?” Jin finally tries to talk again, stumbling a little with his words. Kame stares at him stupidly, not quite understanding Jin after all. It’s confusing, because normally Jin is transparent. He must be missing something. It’s not like Jin can be homophobic, Kame’s seen his friends and, well, they’re quite a colourful bunch. Jin’s all for acceptance and equality. At least that’s what Kame thinks. His American habits.
“Yes,” he nods and takes a bigger mouthful of wine. “I did.” And because it’s part of the etiquette, “Have you been seeing someone lately? I can’t seem to keep track of your relationships. Even the gossiping juniors can’t,” he tries to grin. He doesn’t want to think about his own relationship failures. He’s still letting the wounds heal. It gets easier every day but still.
“Not in a while,” Jin answers and bows his head a little. His face gets hidden behind his fringe and Kame feels an urge to swipe the hair behind his ear but he holds back. Too intimate for their current relationship status. “I haven’t dated in… maybe a year? I’ve had some people for a longer time, though, but… nothing for over a month. Except for one night stands.”
“Mmmh,” Kame nods understandingly. “Well… good luck for us for next time then, huh?” he suggests and offers his glass towards Jin. Jin glances at him nervously before he clashes his bottle against Kame’s glass and they both take a swig.
The alcohol burns warmly in Kame’s belly. Jin’s silent again. He looks anxious for some reason and Kame wonders if he should ask if something’s wrong, but he decides against it after a while. Nakamaru, Yamapi and Ryo are around too, and even Taguchi and Ueda. All of them probably go well beyond him when it comes to people Jin can lean on with his problems.
“It’s nice talking to you,” Jin finally murmurs warmly. The tone of his voice makes Kame feel warm and bubbly. He remembers the feeling from their youth and it feels like it would’ve been ten years ago or something even though it’s only been about four.
“Nostalgic, huh,” he agrees with a nod. “We don’t do this much nowadays.”
“No, we don’t,” Jin agrees with a shaky voice and fiddles with his beer bottle again. “I feel like I’m only watching you from a distance nowadays. Or through the TV screen.”
“Strange.” Well, it is. It sounds like some weird voyeurism, except that Jin probably doesn’t mean it like that. He’s just having trouble articulating his thoughts again. He’s not going to point that out, though, it’s already awkward enough.
Jin seems a bit taken aback by his answer anyway and he licks his lips nervously, turning his head away. Kame scans the guests in the room with his eyes. Almost no one is looking at them. Or maybe they’re just pretending not to look.
Yamapi turns his head away. Kame smiles. Talking about nostalgia. It’s funny how much they’ve all grown. No more raging hormones, fumbling experiences or clashing friendships. Life is more stable now. It makes Kame feel grateful.
“Thank you,” he says to Jin finally and the man’s face snaps towards him again. Jin looks a little flushed and breathless. “Somehow I feel much better now. Like things are going to get better from here as long as I endure it.”
“Life will always have things to offer to you,” Jin croaks and nods awkwardly. Kame chuckles and raises his glass a little again.
“I hope you’re happy,” he says and finds himself sincerely meaning his words. Jin nods stiffly before Kame walks away, eager to converse with people again. He kind of feels like there’s nothing he can’t do.
“I’m just slipping through,” Jin whispers to him, smoke trailing its way towards the ceiling. It disappears somewhere along the way. Kame exhales and Jin’s dry and rough lips caress his ear. There’s a lazy hand draped under his back, holding his hip. “How about you?”
“I’m here,” Kame answers determinately with a ghost of a smile on his lips. He turns his eyes to Jin, shuffling in his hold. Their noses brush together and Jin tilts his chin to steal a short suck of lips from him. Kame presses forward to deepen the kiss shortly. “You know I’m always here.”
“Like a cockroach,” Jin chuckles and takes another drag from the cigarette. “In a nuclear war.”
“Gorgeous,” Kame scoffs and rolls his eyes. Jin snuggles into his warmth and sighs contently.
It’s comfortable.
Kame moves one of his legs over Jin and raises his lips until he’s lying on top of the older man with his back against Jin’s chest. Jin’s breathing is heavier and his hips buck gently, questioningly. Kame tosses his cigarette to the ashtray on the night stand. Jin follows his cue and drapes his arms around Kame. Kame lets his head slip over Jin’s shoulder.
“You are gorgeous,” Jin whimpers from under him, almost drowsily except that he’s not, not really. Perhaps slightly overwhelmed if anything. “…This is strange.”
“Good,” Kame corrects him with a grumble and pecks his cheek wetly. “This is good. Is it not?”
“…It is,” Jin agrees with a heavy sigh. His hands trail down to Kame’s denim-covered hips which he holds for a while before he decides to remove his hands to push himself to sit up against the headboard. Kame doesn’t budge from where he is. Jin’s hands snake to rub his inner thighs gently and Kame gulps, tossing his head back a little.
“You feel warm,” Jin notes gently against his scapular. His lips brush gently the cloth covered-skin. Kame’s eyelids slide shut.
“Mm.”
Jin’s hands trail up again. They caress him through his shirt, slowly and experimentally, searching for his buttons. Collarbones, every hollow between his ribs. He dips his finger in Kame’s navel and Kame gasps, arching a little and frowning. It’s good. Teasing. Slow.
“I’m afraid to touch you,” Jin whispers embarrassedly and buries his face in Kame’s shoulder. “Seeing you naked… doing it with you… it really changes everything, doesn’t it? Permanently. And because we’ve waited for so long there’s this p-pressure… If I screw this up…”
“It’s fine,” Kame answers and swallows the saliva gathering in his mouth. Jin is slowly starting to awaken, he can feel it under him. “Whatever’s fine.”
He means his words. He’s thought about it too, he’s worried senseless and used it as an excuse not to pursue this, not embarrass himself completely, make Jin say ‘maybe this wasn’t such a good idea after all’ and leave him empty-handed after the leap. But the feeling is mutual, and it’s not like there’s anyone else Jin can run to now. He’s certain. He doesn’t care.
Jin’s hand cups the front of Kame’s jeans and Kame sighs heavily, squirming slightly. It’s intimate and stumbling but it’s fine, it’s going rather well for now. The baby steps they’re taking.
Kame moans and trembles weakly when Jin’s fingers dip inside his briefs and stroke him. Jin’s hips start gently undulating underneath him and Kame’s breathing comes out in sharp gasps. His fingers grip the mattress and Jin’s teeth gently nip at his neck and shoulder exposed by the neckline of his shirt.
Kame cries out a bit when Jin rubs the head of his awakening erection. He feels like the skeleton of his upper body would be evaporating and he lies boneless over Jin with his heavy weight. Not that Jin seems to mind. He’s whimpering a bit, just a little sound Kame’s ears would probably miss if he didn’t make it at such a close proximity.
“Good?” Jin whispers to him and Kame struggles to nod. Jin removes his hand and he bites his lip - the jeans are slowly starting to become tight. It’s fine for now, but he doesn’t know for how long. Not with Jin pressed against him and exploring him with his hands.
Talking about Jin’s hands, he’s unzipping Kame’s jeans. Kame turns his head to kiss the man’s temple, squirming slightly to reach it. Jin rises to meet his lips and Kame parts them for deeper access.
Jin’s nails sink deep in Kame’s hips and Kame gasps and arches his back. He cries softly as they move upwards, towards his belly and -
Pain. Sharp and alarming. Jin’s hands tremble warily as they trace over the…
Wetness drips down Kame’s side. He decides it’s time to go.
“Kame?” Jin asks him worriedly. “What was that? W-what…”
Kame jumps on his feet and exits the room. Jin rushes after him quickly, wiping his bloodied fingers against his shirt in panic.
“Shit, Kame, you’re bleeding,” he gasps and Kame slams the bathroom door shut behind him. “Kame, what was it?!”
“Crap,” Kame curses and starts pressing toilet paper over his opened wound. “Crap. ”
“Kame!” Jin demands attention from the other side of the door by banging it angrily. “What the fuck was it?! You’re the only thing I have left anymore so start speaking up, now! Kame!”
Kame zips his jeans back up again and washes the wound slightly. It’ll close again. The bleeding’s already lessening. Everything is alright. False alarm. He’d just panicked. And, by the sounds of it, Jin has panicked even worse.
“It’s fine,” he calls surely back to Jin. “I’m fine.”
“Then open the door,” Jin asks and tries the handle. Kame considers it. He patches himself up with some bandage from the cupboards. Jin’s probably pressing his ear against the door by now. He wants to say he doesn’t care. The thing just happens to be that he does.
He opens the door and Jin immediately pulls his shirt up. Kame growls and pulls it back down, hiding the bandages under the fabric. They eye each other warily and Jin looks pissed and betrayed. After a moment of heated staring, he however wraps his arms around Kame and pulls him close, all the while gritting his teeth together.
“I’ll go out for a walk,” Kame announces. “I’ll take Ran-chan with me. She needs one.”
“Kame,” Jin tries but Kame walks away with a ruffle of his hair. Jin feels hollow as he follows him with his arms crossed over his chest. Kame ignores him as he prepares Ran by snapping the flexi leash to her collar. She wags her tail happily and sniffs Kame’s fingers.
“Just come back,” Jin talks quietly, leaning against the foyer wall as Kame pulls his boots on. “I’ll wait, okay?”
“I’ll be back,” Kame assures him as he opens the door. Jin draws in a sharp breath and steps forward.
“One more thing.”
“Hm?” Kame asks as he turns around. Ran is trying to pull forward with her leash, eager to go and sniff the nearest streetlight. “What is it?”
“…Did you ever report it?” Jin asks him quietly. His gaze is penetrating but Kame refuses to let his gaze falter. He knows what Jin means. He’d be stupid if he wouldn’t.
“No,” he answers honestly. Jin nods and sucks his lips in nervously. Kame waves his hand and heads towards the streets with a cheery dog by his side.
Jin doesn’t call after him. He probably needs some time to dwell on it. Kame can’t blame him… He must surely enough really appear to be a nutcase whacko right now. Great.
It’s good that Jin doesn’t have a second option and he’s harboured his feelings for so long. Otherwise… Kame might really worry about losing him.
He doesn’t think he can quite stomach that final loss anymore.
2009
Ran-chan and Sakura wag their tails and bark excitedly. They’re pulling on their leashes shamelessly - Kame has to admit that some of the dog-schooling never worked out with him because he went too easy with his adorable puppy when she was still such a baby. He still does it, and by the looks of it, Koki’s just the same. They’re dog people. As long as no one’s getting dog teeth sunken to their ankles, things should be fine.
“You look better,” Koki notes amidst the light chitchat they’re having and flashes a knowing smirk to Kame. “Much, much better, if I may say. Have you been up to anything new recently?”
“Not really,” Kame admits. “Drama filming ended, though. Final episode will air this week. Then it’s done with. I might get a small role as a visiting actor in Kimura Takuya’s newest drama, though. I’m really looking forward to that. I hope I won’t screw it up, this year really hasn’t worked for me. They’re bound to put me on an acting break if the ratings continue being this low.”
“It’s not your fault the wine drama was totally boring,” Koki snorts crankily. “Only wine freaks and your hardcore fans watch that shit, seriously. You’ve been working a lot this year, it should pay off.”
“I hope so,” Kame nods. “I’m trying not to think about it too much. Otherwise I get depressed.”
“Well, there’s always KAT-TUN and Dream Boys. You’ll be busy to the point of collapsing again soon enough,” Koki points out with a yawn. He’s right - the schedule is going to be merciless. Kame’s already memorised all of his Dream Boys lines and lyrics, but there’s still a lot of choreography to catch up with.
Sakura tries to jump over Ran-chan and they have to pause their conversation until they manage to sort out the leashes again. Kame sighs and helps Ran-chan on his shoulders affectionately. She sniffs his ear excitedly with her cold and wet nose and Kame shivers a little, trying to appear calm and composed.
“I saw you chatting with Jin at the party,” Koki suddenly says and Kame wonders why is it that his bandmates are so curious about everything between the two of them. He hardly ever gets these weird questions out of nowhere about anyone else. Jin, Jin, Jin. They’re probably hinting at something. Kame considers making his opinion about their relationship clear to someone soon if this doesn’t stop.
“Yeah, we talked for a little,” he admits. “Nothing special. We just caught up with each other a little.”
“Hmmmmm,” Koki nods enthusiastically and Kame thinks that ‘hmm’ was a little too long. He sighs and tries to ignore it - knowing his bandmates, they’ll get all childish over any signs of denial as well. It’s weird they haven’t taken the hint even though it’s been years. “You’ve been quite happy afterwards, though.”
“Coincidence,” Kame insists calmly, looking at the sky while walking. The weather is brilliant - spring is on its way. The cherry trees are waiting for the time of their blooming. Manly or not, Kame quite loves the pink tint they give to the city. Japanese aesthetics. He’s looking forward to it too.
“Maybe you two should talk more,” Koki suggests. “I think there might be more to him than you think. You’re both adults now, aren’t you?”
“What is that even supposed to mean…” Kame sighs heavily. That it’s expected of them? That they’ll stand each other more now? But that was never the problem. Of course it could be that Koki’s just hinting that Jin’s already over the mess they went through when they were younger.
He thinks he would quite like that. If there’s a chance they could be good friends again then why not? It’s not like he has anything against it per se, he’s mostly just worried that it won’t work out after all and he has to feel disappointed over himself and Jin all over again. He now knows who he is, and the same probably applies to Jin, but the problem is that Jin has the talent for making him doubt everything about himself if he’s given the chance.
Hours later Kame crawls under his blanket and he thinks about it. Ran-chan’s beside him and the lamp sitting on his nightstand is casting a warm colour over the sheets. Kame thinks about his life and the people he’s met along the way, everything that’s been important to him.
“A lot of things have been important to me,” he whispers to Ran-chan gently and ruffles her behind her ear affectionately. “People. Work. So much has happened, you know? Juniors look up to me as a role model, that means I’ve been successful, doesn’t it? And friends…” His voice fades and Ran-chan whines nervously, pushing Kame’s palm with her nose. “Shh. I was just thinking,” he admits and purses his lips a little while peering at his lamp hazily. “That people are the most important thing to me, you know. What they think, company. As long as I have that… I think I’m going to be fine. Don’t you think so?”
Ran-chan doesn’t answer, of course. She gets on her paws and pushes her way under Kame’s blanket, making him chuckle a bit. He wraps his arm around her small figure and turns the lamp off, ready to get some proper rest before work.
“And you,” he still whispers to the silence. “You’re important too. So don’t be cranky at me. Good night, Ran-chan. Have sweet dreams.”
She yanks on the number plate around Kame’s neck and Kame whines a bit as he saves it from her teeth. “Silly dog,” he murmurs and holds it in his palm. He buries his face in the soft pillow he has and listens to the sound of his own deepening breathing. It’s like the possibilities are right there waiting for him.
He’s number eight, and he’ll forever be number eight. He’s special, and eventually he’ll see it himself too.
“It has come to our knowledge that the police have caught the perpetrator. He’s currently undergoing medical surgery due to attempting to stomach too many identities, but the police refuse to give clear information about his current whereabouts. This will bring an end to the identity theft of reportedly 21 victims. The head of Tokyo’s police force, Nakamoto Jouji, has scheduled a press conference in an hour. He will release more information about the case and the perpetrator-”
Kame turns the television off, feeling numb and weak. Jin doesn’t say a word from where he’s standing, framed by the doorframe. Ran-chan sleeps soundly on Kame’s lap on the armchair where he’s stroking her fur absently, staring into distance.
“You’ll probably get your number back then, huh,” he attempts a conversation after a long, strangling moment of silence. “Congratulations.”
Jin shifts uncomfortably. Kame can hear the rustle of his clothes. He licks his lips anxiously, starting to feel alarmingly cold inside.
“They’ll have your number too, you know,” Jin whispers with an assuring voice and walks over to gently massaging Kame’s shoulders. Tries to soothe him, turn his head. He probably knows already. Maybe he’s known all along.
“I don’t want it,” Kame lets the words come out. Irrational, insane and idiotic. Jin’s massage gets rougher by a notch. Kame’s mouth feels dry. “I’m not planning on taking it back even if I could.”
“Kame.”
“I don’t need it,” Kame sighs and closes his eyes to keep calm. Ran-chan is starting to twitch uncomfortably in her sleep. “I might sound like an idiot, but… right now… I’m content. My head feels clearer than it has in years, if ever.”
“Kazu.” Silent. Insistent.
“If I have to choose between my career and you, I choose you,” Kame answers softly and buries his fingers in Ran-chan’s soft fur. She’s breathing gently. Her presence is calming. “I think I’ve worked enough for a lifetime. I never saw it before, but now… I don’t want to go back. This is all I need. Other than this… I don’t really care much.”
“Have you lost your mind?” Jin croaks weakly and kisses his shoulder. “You want to continue being nothing? Nothing at all? Not worth a second glance?”
“No,” Kame disagrees with a shake of his head, “I don’t see it that way. When I have you beside me…” His voice trails off. Jin sighs and wraps his arms around Kame’s torso. “I feel like there’s this world just for the two of us. One that we build up. With you I’m not so insignificant. So… as long as I have that… I don’t want to change. Go back to being the Kamenashi Kazuya everyone loved but abandoned just like that when I lost it. Myself.”
“…I never reported it,” Jin confesses weakly. Kame turns his head, dumbfounded. Jin looks weak. He’s biting his lip. It’s worrying. “I-I never… called in and… I mean, no one gave a shit so I just…”
The silence falls again. Jin is trembling slightly, staring at Kame anxiously like he’s his lifeline. Maybe he is.
“The world doesn’t need us,” he announces strongly. “People don’t need us. No one else does. Just the two of us.”
Jin nods breathlessly. He feels distant, though. Kame helps Ran-chan up and she wails quietly before padding towards the kitchen sleepily. He gets up on his feet and starts walking towards the TV to set the remote beside it.
“Don’t go,” Jin wheezes and gets up on his feet, alarmed. Kame turns around, feeling humoured. Jin should know better by now.
“I’m infinity,” he whispers to Jin, eyes narrowed in determination. He feels a crooked smile making its way on his lips, bitter in a sense the taste in his mouth is. He walks over again and pecks Jin’s lips lightly before he lets himself slowly fall beyond the couch’s armrest. His back makes a delicate curve and his fingers caress the carved pride in his hip - ugly, imperfect and never-to-disappear-again. 8. He exposes his teeth ever so slightly, cocking his head. Jin’s expression remains the same apathetic one as his eyes take in the view.
“I’m still nothing,” the man whispers back, his gaze averting. Kame smirks at him and draws him closer by hooking his leg around his back.
“Don’t you know by now… we’re never nothing,” he gasps, eyes wide and crazed. Jin holds his hips and swifts his thumb carelessly over the ragged skin. And, at that moment, they’re exactly what they are, identities ripped away and abandoned. Pure.
“This is what we are,” Jin agrees, determined to cling to him. His only tie to his self, his emotion. Jin’s hitched breath tickles Kame’s ear and his body trembles on top of him. Kame peers up at Jin, gripping him tightly.
And so infinity and nothing choose to go on.