fic: .watch (2/2)
They fall out of contact for a few more months after that. Kame doesn’t really approach people if he feels unwelcome - maybe it’s one of the reasons he never really hit it off with Jin’s friends who thought he was being a self-centred and snobby gay. Jin sleeps with his pocket watch on his pillow and keeps reminding himself that Kame deserves better and he has no right to approach the man anymore after the damage he’s done. That part is all lies, though. The real reason he keeps the distance is because he’s never been good at dealing with the consequences of his actions.
So they keep their distance. Jin wraps up his Japan tour and sends his friends back off to America with tight hugs and joking promises to visit whenever they’ll wind up in the same area at the same time.
He sits inside his car feeling melancholy as he presses his shades further up his nose. The iPhone 4 he’d forgotten lying on the passenger’s seat informs him of a new voicemail and Jin picks it up exhaustedly, wondering if it’s Pi, Josh, Ryo or perhaps even Takizawa this time.
It’s not.
“I don’t know what’s going on between you and Kame, but you’ve got to talk it out with him,”; Koki’s voice snaps at him. He sounds tired and scared and there’s a faint chime of people speaking on the background. “He’s really not well, Akanishi. His stamina to do his work is nearly gone and Johnny’s not happy. I’m not joking when I’m saying that it’s killing him. I’m not asking you to hook up, just talk it out for fuck’s sake.”
There’s a frustrated groan and then the voicemail ends. A metallic female voice informs him that there are no more voicemails in his inbox and he disconnects the call.
Just like he’s feared. Jin drives home, trying to get Koki’s voice out of his head. He hasn’t heard it coming from elsewhere than his earphones and TV speakers in way too long. It stings to hear the change in the tone of his voice. He figures they really aren’t on speaking terms.
When he gets home he crashes in the depths of his couch and plays with his phone absently before managing to gather the courage to call Kame.
He doesn’t give Kame time for introductions or hollow greetings as he cuts down to business.
“Have you seen a doctor about it?”
“…I’ve got an appointment next week,” Kame’s hesitant voice answers. He sounds like he’s trying to figure him out but can’t. It’s not really his fault this time, because Jin really is acting illogically. “Where did you hear?”
“People talk,” Jin gulps, not sure if he should rat out Koki or not. “…Kame, take care of yourself for fuck’s sake.”
“I’m not doing it on purpose. I’ve just been really tired lately,” Kame tries to defend himself. Jin feels awful for blaming him - it’s not Kame’s fault after all, not at all. It’s his. “Maybe it’s some virus or something. The doctors will figure it out.”
“…Yeah,” Jin mumbles and stresses. “Let’s hope it’s just something seasonal.”
“Then I should probably stay away from you for the time being,” Kame fakes laughter, sounding sorrowful. “You get sick so easily and I’m sure you’re busy.”
“…Yeah,” Jin agrees. He can’t find the strength not to.
Suddenly he’s scared of Kame again. Just like he’s been for months and months as the speed of the hands of his pocket watch seems only to be accelerating.
He cuts the call. Kame doesn’t call back. They tend to do things like this from time to time.
-
Kame is lying on Jin’s bed. There’s a pool of blood underneath him. It stains his bed sheets and Kame’s D&G boxer briefs and the grey Rolling Stones t-shirt he’s wearing.
Jin lets out a cry and lunges forward. The blood feels warm against his sole where it’s dripped on the floor and it’s sticky as Jin presses his knee on the wet mattress, trying to get closer to the unmoving form.
“No no no no no,” he cries in panic and yanks Kame’s form upwards from its shoulders. “No! Y-you can’t die, you can’t -”
Kame’s eyes snap open. They’re clocks, racing backwards almost five times faster than the normal. His face is lined with wrinkles and suddenly he’s so old and dead like an unfamiliar body. He spits numbers at Jin’s face. They’re slimy and run down his skin.
“Fix me,” Kame shrieks in horror. Then there’s an awful crack and all his limbs snap into disgusting angles. He’s the scariest sight Jin has ever seen.
He wakes up screaming and wets his bed.
-
They meet at the elevator again. The familiar song plays, making the whole encounter feel like a déjà vu, except that Kame’s wearing different clothes this time. So is he.
The doors close and Jin sees how Kame stares at his back. He looks even worse than before, and even the make-up doesn’t seem to hide the proofs of his exhaustion on his face. He stands behind him like he wouldn’t even really be there anymore. Like he’s on the other side of some supernatural veil to the world of the dead.
It’s nerving.
Eventually, he turns around. Kame doesn’t really move his gaze, he stands unmoving where he is, eyes now glued into Jin’s chest.
Jin wraps his arms around the younger man and feels his muscles straining in his hold. Soon, however, his arms wrap themselves around his form and Kame exhales almost contently. His head presses against Jin’s shoulder.
“I’m sorry for being an ass,” Jin whispers to him, feeling himself come apart. Kame nods gently - Jin can feel it from the way his chin presses deeper in his skin.
“Make up for it then,” Kame tells him without daring to look up at him and meet his eyes. He probably thinks he won’t. Kame’s always been unsure of himself, especially so when it comes to Jin. Jin blames it on the constant fighting they endure.
He finds the young man’s lips and kisses them gently. Kame sighs to the kiss and his palm brushes Jin’s skin where his neck meets his shoulder. It feels familiar and inviting.
“Call me,” Kame whispers to him as they move apart, lonely looks in their eyes. There’s a sad smile on his lips. He probably fears it’s just a one-time thing for him.
“I’ll call you,” he promises. Simple words, nothing more. They say enough.
The elevator stops and Kame gets off.
Jin continues his way down and can’t decide whether he’s happy or not.
-
Two weeks later, Jin drags Kame in his apartment. They kiss feverously when the apartment’s door slams shut behind them and Jin cups Kame’s bottom with his hands, enjoying the familiar feel. It makes him feel a bit younger. Maybe it’s because Kame’s skinnier again.
He carries the younger man to bed, ignoring the protests and fists hitting into his back. Kame wraps his legs around him and pants against Jin’s lips as he leans down to press another deep kiss on his lips again. Their tongues brush harshly against each other and their eyes slide shut. Kame’s hold on his hip tightens.
“Oh god, Jin,” he mumbles weakly and pulls down the zipper of Jin’s white hoodie. Their heads bump painfully against each other as they struggle to shed off their clothing quickly. First times after months apart are always the hastiest.
Jin trails kisses around Kame’s cheeks and down his jaw. He nibs at the soft skin of his throat and draws bruising circles on Kame’s inner thighs, reminding himself of the feeling.
Kame rolls on top of him and rocks their hips together. Jin gasps and throws his head back. Now it’s his turn to wrap his legs around Kame’s, to pull him closer and hope for the ride of his life. Kame’s good at giving those. He knows what looks good, he knows what feels good and what excites him. Jin thanks his skills for the entertainment business they try to tackle daily and the long duration of their relationship.
He looks tired when hovering over him and seems to have lost a notable amount of his stamina, though. Kame kisses his lips and chest, sucks on the dark nipples with his damp and pink tongue. Jin shivers as the wet trails he leaves behind feel cold on his bare skin.
“C’mere,” he whimpers and pulls Kame back up. He wraps his arms under Kame’s arms and holds him close as he kisses his lips, lapping at his teeth and trying to reach deeper in. Kame moans to the kiss and tilts his hips demandingly.
Kame’s nails scratch at the hair on his lower abdomen. Jin curses and hisses as he tries to find condoms and lube in the nightstand drawer. Kame chuckles and kisses his knee, fingers trailing up and down Jin’s calves.
Jin tosses his findings to Kame and lets his head hit the pillow again. He stares down at Kame between his legs and watches him tear the plastic wrapper open. His short fingers slip the condom neatly at its place and Jin huffs at the sight. He hasn’t gotten it in a while.
“Careful,” he hisses and Kame slaps his knee, informing him nonverbally that he’s well aware of how things should go now after way too many months. The lube feels cold against his skin and Jin tilts his hips into a better position. Kame pushes his legs up and out of the way. It’s a bit uncomfortable.
Kame preps him with his fingers. Jin doesn’t like just lying around - it feels uncomfortable each and every time. Because of that, he keeps teasing Kame by kicking him gently and trying to tickle his neck and ruffle his hair with his sole and toes. Kame bites on his heel and Jin withdraws his foot with a surprised wail.
Then Kame pushes in. Jin hisses - he’s still a bit tight and sore, but Kame feels good inside him nonetheless. Kame crawls properly on top of him again, tilting his hips experimentally. Jin gasps and throws his head back. Kame kisses his jaw and Jin’s fingers find their way on Kame’s ass.
They start moving. They’re not really in sync or anything - just like KAT-TUN’s dance performances, they’ve never quite managed to master the art of timing, no matter how many years they’ve worked on it. It doesn’t really ruin anything, though - Jin can feel the raw want and lust as the bed legs creak from the heated activity on their support. He wipes some smeared lube from his inner thighs and spreads it over his own length before he starts pumping.
Kame mewls. He sounds weak and tired as he moves. Jin supports him a lot and starts wondering if they should’ve done it the other way around - he knows Kame’s tired, he knows he’s draining out. Still, he tries to keep Kame from feeling too self-conscious about his exhaustion by murmuring encouraging and dirty words in his ear and using his own hands to guide the movement of Kame’s hips.
It’s still good. The sex. His body feels sensitive and hot and the sweat makes their movements easy and slick. Kame tastes salty on his tongue as Jin sucks on his throat, enjoying the bump his carotid artery makes on the skin.
Kame comes with a violent shove. He pulls out and whimpers weakly, collapsing over Jin’s body. The sound makes violent shivers run through Jin’s body and he feels himself spilling what he’s got as well when the sensation reaches his manhood.
He drops Kame on his side and brushes his fingers down the man’s side concernedly. Kame looks pale and worn out, even with the flush on his cheeks and where Jin’s lips have rested.
“I’m sorry. I’m a bit tired,” Kame sighs heavily and his eyes slide shut. Jin feels his good mood dropping and he pulls Kame’s body close in his hold, places a light peck on his temple and bites his lip.
“Sleep,” he encourages the younger man. “We’ve had our fun for tonight. There’s still time later.”
Kame frowns in discontentment, but slowly drifts off nonetheless, listening to Jin’s rapid heartbeat. It takes Jin longer to fall asleep as the dread starts settling in again. The awful feeling of hopelessness he isn’t sure how to overcome.
If there even is a way to overcome it.
-
“You fucking liar,” Kame smiles at him with his eyes free of emotions. The smile on his face looks scary as he trails a circle on Jin’s chest. Jin stands and shivers, stripped of all his clothing.
“Don’t hate me,” he whispers quietly. His voice is barely audible and Kame drowns it with his monotonous laughter. He starts tapping the circle he’s drawn with red. Twelve times all around. His finger is the hand.
“Turn it back,” Kame commands icily and draws a line in red. Then he grabs a painful hold of Jin’s hair with his scarlet fingers and starts turning his head around, lap after lap. Jin feels nauseous and horrified. He’s unable to speak or move - if he wouldn’t, he’d beg for Kame to stop. Please, please stop.
The red line on his stomach moves. Kame breaks into miserable tears.
-
Simultaneously with Kame’s life draining away from him, Jin starts developing insomnia. Because of the nightmares he finds himself lying awake in bed for hours to no end, just listening to the sound of clocks ticking. It isn’t really helping. He feels like wherever he goes now, he’ll always hear the sound overriding all others. It makes him flinch.
They’re unable to reach the high clouds with each other anymore. After a good six months Kame moves in with him, because he’s afraid of missing out on work because he keeps constantly oversleeping and KAT-TUN’s new album release is coming up. They’ve got a lot to work for - choreographies for performances, PV brainstorming and recording. They’re even planning a tour.
Jin doesn’t think Kame has the strength for everything as he sits alone at the studio. He finds himself unable to focus properly on producing new songs - the happy beats turn melancholic and he loses track of what he’s doing constantly as he falls too deep into his thoughts. He gets told off a lot, mostly by his manager. He’s unhappy with the lack of results.
“We’re discussing a new American tour with the higher ups so you need to get a hold of yourself, whatever your personal life issues are,” he scolds him harshly. “Nothing’s going to happen unless you have new songs, and they need to meet the audience’s expectations. So go clubbing for inspiration if it helps you any. Hook up with a girl.”
Jin starts brooding and stops listening to his manager’s rants after that. The guy wouldn’t understand anyway. No one would.
His situation is pretty unique, after all. Sometimes he really wishes he’d be just a normal guy, leading a normal life. No JE, no stupid pocket watches, no press and paparazzis, no expectations.
It’s impossible anymore, though. He’s too far over his head.
-
Kame collapses at singing practice. It’s a fucking singing practice, it’s not even physical exercise.
Jin flees the studio where he’s putting together his new songs. It can wait - Kame can’t. Not in his mind. He checks through all the practice rooms but finally finds the young man sitting on a bench in KAT-TUN’s dressing room, a bottle of water weakly in his hands and Koki with his arm draped around his shoulder sitting next to him.
He’s been terrified before, but this is something entirely new. He breaks into guilty tears and pulls Kame into a tight hug. His body feels flaccid and cold against his. His facial expression isn’t even screaming with the usual rainbow of hurtful emotions as it normally does when he experiences some sort of failure at work. It really looks like he’s too tired to even care anymore.
Koki stands up and hands Kame’s bag to Jin. He rubs Kame’s back weakly.
“He’s suspended for the time being. There’ll be a press conference he needs to attend tomorrow. Make sure he’s here at eight, alright?” Koki instructs him exhaustedly. “They’ll say it’s because of personal reasons but…”
Jin nods. He understands. It’s because Kame can’twork in the condition he’s in. He needs to get better first.
Except that he probably won’t get better. Only worse.
“I’m right here,” Kame mumbles darkly, breaking away from Jin’s hold. “Don’t talk like I’m not here. I am.”
Jin wipes his eyes and stares into Kame’s empty eyes. He’s never seen the man looking so tired.
“We’re going home,” he croaks and nods at Koki. “Thanks for calling.”
“Just take care of him.”
Kame only starts crying when they’re home. He weeps with a pale and ashen look on his face. His skin is so white it seems like the only thing keeping him Asian is his bone structure, and that in itself is incredibly scary.
“Shh, it’s okay,” he cries in Kame’s hair as he forces him into bed. “It’s alright, Kame. It’s not your fault.”
“I thought it’d be better once I got you back,” Kame’s voice cracks as he gasps. Jin loses himself in the empty corridors in Kame’s dull eyes. “I thought I’d get better. Just like always. You’ve always made me feel so good.”
The pocket watch burns in Jin’s pocket. Jin can hear it ticking in the silence and finds himself unable to find an answer for Kame. It’s not like he can tell the truth. It isn’t like telling the truth would be fair either. He’d just take the remaining bits of Kame’s peace of mind from him, which is just a little too cruel to do at this point anymore. At any point.
“I love you,” he whispers to the younger man with a shaky voice and threads his fingers through Kame’s hair. Kame had always told him he didn’t say it enough. “I’ve always loved you so fucking much.”
“Me too,” Kame cries in his forearm. “I’ve always loved you more than anything.”
-
Jin watches the press conference from his iPhone at the studio bathroom. He sits on the toilet seat inside a locked stall and chews on his finger nails.
The press is attacking as always. All the KAT-TUN members look tired and pale as they announce their hiatus. Junno, Koki, Ueda and Maru promise solo activity for the duration of the indefinite hiatus - Koki and Maru are trying to discuss a charity comedy show, Junno’s just gotten casted into a new drama and Ueda’s announcing his new Mouse Peace Live Show because he’s actually got some new songs to perform.
Kame gets blamed pretty harshly by the press. He tries politely and calmly to talk vaguely about personal issues he needs to address himself to. Koki keeps giving him worrying glances across the table. Everyone looks uneasy.
Jin hopes Koki’s gotten Kame home safely and stuck around to take care of him while he’s at work. He wishes he could be there, but Kame doesn’t let him skip. He wants at least one of them to hold onto their profession.
Kame always was a workaholic.
-
Everywhere it’s ticking. The sounds don’t go in sync but mix together in awfully overwhelming waves, tick-tick-tick-tock-tick-tock-tock-tick-tick-tock. Jin thinks he’s going crazy as the clocks start closing in.
Kame’s raging. He screams at him but Jin can’t make out the words. His hair is dark and ruffled like he wouldn’t have run a comb through it in weeks, only rolled around in bed day after day. He’s bony and the muscles once lining his body are gone. He looks incredibly sick.
Jin stands under a human-sized overturned clock that ticks away. Kame holds a huge golden hand of a clock. His face is flushed red with disgust as he looks Jin straight in the eyes. When Kame makes a lunge at him, Jin covers his face.
The clocks tick away, the sound echoing from the walls and sounding like a vicious thunder. Kame has him on the floor on his back as he rips his body apart with the sharp edge of the golden weapon in his hand. His eyes are fiery and crazed and Jin screams, trying to stop him with his hands but feeling them come apart as well.
“THIS IS YOU, YOU YOU YOU!” Kame screams at him wildly and pushes the wide shard in from his stomach. He pushes it upwards to his ribcage and Jin feels his body tilting with the force. He coughs up blood. Little droplets land on Kame’s face. “IT WAS YOU ALL ALONG, THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!”
It is.
He wakes up sweaty and scared shitless as all the clocks strike zero.
-
Kame can’t get out of the bed anymore. Not for long.
When he does, his feet drag across the floorings weakly. His movements are slow and he reminds Jin of a zombie. He doesn’t speak much - Jin isn’t exactly sure why. Maybe he’s decided to keep silent unless he has something even remotely happy to say, or maybe he’s just too tired to be bothered.
“I got you another doctor’s appointment,” Jin mumbles as he sits by his bedside and hands him a fruit shake, hoping to cheer him up and get something down in his stomach. “It’s on Wednesday. I know it’s two days from now, but -”
“Jin,” Kame speaks to him quietly, weakly holding the glass in his hands. “…Don’t get your hopes up.”
“What are you saying?” he wheezes. “Don’t give up, you jerk. You never give up. I won’t let you give up now!”
Kame sits silently, pillows supporting him. He doesn’t say anything, just looks at him through his swollen eyes. He’s starting to look frail enough to go.
“They haven’t found anything by now,” Kame whispers to him gently and brushes his cheek with the back of his hand. “I’m just saying that the chances are slim.”
“You’re dying,” Jin croaks and shakes his head. Tears start dwelling in his eyes. He can’t remember the last time he’d slept well. “Kame, you’re dying.”
“I know,” Kame whispers to him and manages to give him a lousy attempt of a smile as he leans forward to give a gentle peck on Jin’s lips. They haven’t really talked about it before. Not straight out.
“I’m scared,” Jin cries pathetically. He feels dirty and guilty, self-centred and idiotic as he puts the shake from Kame’s hand to the night stand and climbs over him to cry against the comfortable crook of his neck. It’s entirely his fault after all. “I’m so scared I wish I could die.”
“Don’t be an idiot,” Kame whispers back at him. His words are slurred as he speaks through his tired lips, eyes half-closed as his fingers weakly caress Jin’s nape. “Never say anything like that, Jin. Never.”
They lie silently there and Jin finally understands that Kame’s already come to terms with his situation. With his forthcoming death, even though no one can really say that it’s what’s waiting for him. No one knows. But Kame understands it nonetheless.
“I had a good life,” Kame whispers to his ear hours later. He’s almost asleep already, body limp under Jin’s weight. “You made me the happiest I could be.”
Jin cries after that. He doesn’t stop when Kame finally does fall asleep, he doesn’t stop when the clock strikes twelve or one or two. He doesn’t stop when he realises he forgot to force the fruit shake down Kame’s throat, nor when he starts feeling like he’s out of tears.
He only stops when he drifts off himself.
-
Jin starts googling for supernatural healers after that. He visits every single one of them alone. He finds himself upset as he realises he’s just getting conned time after time as he tries to explain the situation to them with pained blabbers and shows the cursed pocket watch. They always prescribe some herbs and whatever abracadabra chants for him. One of them even dares to give him weed, claiming it’s some mystical herb from centuries ago. Like hell it is.
The visit to the doctor is just as useless as all the appointments Kame’s had before. They’re completely appalled and the entire day goes by as they run whatever tests they can come up with. In the end they try to carefully hint at Jin that perhaps Kame has Münchausen syndrome. Jin snaps and throws a fit. It ends up in the papers and sooner than later the whole Japan knows that Kame is seriously ill and Jin is acting like a frustrated boyfriend, which he is.
He gets called into Johnny’s office afterwards. He spends thirty unbearably long minutes listening to him talking about rules, mistakes, press, fans, audience and the business before Jin finally realises that he’s fired.
Johnny’s actually being pretty gentle about it, and says it cannot be helped. He’s always survived with pushing his toes over the line, but this time he’s gone too far. Dating another Johnny’s, his former band member, and causing unimaginably much damage to the entire company by lashing out in public.
Maybe the old man’s right. Jin bites back bitter words and storms out of his office.
Pretty much all of his friends from JE try calling him that night. Jin assumes the word has spread, but he doesn’t care. Kame looks guiltier than ever before as he lies on the bed, eyes bloodshot.
He knows too, Jin assumes. Maybe Kame had even had the brains to expect it.
“I’m r-ruining your life,” Kame stutters as Jin wraps his arms around him tightly, holding him in his embrace. It’s ridiculous how Kame’s more upset about it than he finds the strength to be.
“No. I’m ruining yours,” Jin whispers back and feels like the blow is justified. “I always was.”
-
Friends visit every now and then. Koki brings Kame a huge dog plushie he forces in the weak man’s arms. He coos while he sits on his knees by Kame’s bed and helps him ruffle the plushie’s soft fur - he talks about materials and Kame tries to mumble weakly how he shouldn’t have paid so much for it. Jin’s heart aches as he watches the friends’ encounter from the doorway.
Koki’s always taken care of Kame to the best of his abilities. Jin watches him bawl like a little child and make Kame promise to eat properly and boss Jin around if he needs anything. Kame chuckles weakly and sighs against the dog’s fur.
Yamapi brings flowers. Jin finds it a bit offending, but maybe it’s just because he’s scared. Kame likes looking at the flowers anyway.
“It’s funny to see how many people actually cared,” he whispers to Jin one day as Jin helps him drink a shake with a straw. “How much of things wasn’t just an act.”
Jin takes the plushie Koki had left behind and makes woofing noises as he stuffs its snout in Kame’s face.
Kame calls him a puppy and smiles a bit as he shifts closer to him.
-
Jin wakes up to the sound of silence after a couple of hours of sleep. His hand tiredly fishes out the golden pocket watch from under the mattress where he’s hidden it. He peers sleepily at the clock face, vision still blurry from the sleep.
The hands stand still and the once ticking object lies in his palm, lifeless.
He kisses Kame’s cold nape and feels tears coming forth as he drapes his arms around the figure again. Kame’s body feels still and cold. He doesn’t react.
The red hand of the clock breaks and shatters.
-
.the end
“Be careful with what you wish for.”
So they keep their distance. Jin wraps up his Japan tour and sends his friends back off to America with tight hugs and joking promises to visit whenever they’ll wind up in the same area at the same time.
He sits inside his car feeling melancholy as he presses his shades further up his nose. The iPhone 4 he’d forgotten lying on the passenger’s seat informs him of a new voicemail and Jin picks it up exhaustedly, wondering if it’s Pi, Josh, Ryo or perhaps even Takizawa this time.
It’s not.
“I don’t know what’s going on between you and Kame, but you’ve got to talk it out with him,”; Koki’s voice snaps at him. He sounds tired and scared and there’s a faint chime of people speaking on the background. “He’s really not well, Akanishi. His stamina to do his work is nearly gone and Johnny’s not happy. I’m not joking when I’m saying that it’s killing him. I’m not asking you to hook up, just talk it out for fuck’s sake.”
There’s a frustrated groan and then the voicemail ends. A metallic female voice informs him that there are no more voicemails in his inbox and he disconnects the call.
Just like he’s feared. Jin drives home, trying to get Koki’s voice out of his head. He hasn’t heard it coming from elsewhere than his earphones and TV speakers in way too long. It stings to hear the change in the tone of his voice. He figures they really aren’t on speaking terms.
When he gets home he crashes in the depths of his couch and plays with his phone absently before managing to gather the courage to call Kame.
He doesn’t give Kame time for introductions or hollow greetings as he cuts down to business.
“Have you seen a doctor about it?”
“…I’ve got an appointment next week,” Kame’s hesitant voice answers. He sounds like he’s trying to figure him out but can’t. It’s not really his fault this time, because Jin really is acting illogically. “Where did you hear?”
“People talk,” Jin gulps, not sure if he should rat out Koki or not. “…Kame, take care of yourself for fuck’s sake.”
“I’m not doing it on purpose. I’ve just been really tired lately,” Kame tries to defend himself. Jin feels awful for blaming him - it’s not Kame’s fault after all, not at all. It’s his. “Maybe it’s some virus or something. The doctors will figure it out.”
“…Yeah,” Jin mumbles and stresses. “Let’s hope it’s just something seasonal.”
“Then I should probably stay away from you for the time being,” Kame fakes laughter, sounding sorrowful. “You get sick so easily and I’m sure you’re busy.”
“…Yeah,” Jin agrees. He can’t find the strength not to.
Suddenly he’s scared of Kame again. Just like he’s been for months and months as the speed of the hands of his pocket watch seems only to be accelerating.
He cuts the call. Kame doesn’t call back. They tend to do things like this from time to time.
-
Kame is lying on Jin’s bed. There’s a pool of blood underneath him. It stains his bed sheets and Kame’s D&G boxer briefs and the grey Rolling Stones t-shirt he’s wearing.
Jin lets out a cry and lunges forward. The blood feels warm against his sole where it’s dripped on the floor and it’s sticky as Jin presses his knee on the wet mattress, trying to get closer to the unmoving form.
“No no no no no,” he cries in panic and yanks Kame’s form upwards from its shoulders. “No! Y-you can’t die, you can’t -”
Kame’s eyes snap open. They’re clocks, racing backwards almost five times faster than the normal. His face is lined with wrinkles and suddenly he’s so old and dead like an unfamiliar body. He spits numbers at Jin’s face. They’re slimy and run down his skin.
“Fix me,” Kame shrieks in horror. Then there’s an awful crack and all his limbs snap into disgusting angles. He’s the scariest sight Jin has ever seen.
He wakes up screaming and wets his bed.
-
They meet at the elevator again. The familiar song plays, making the whole encounter feel like a déjà vu, except that Kame’s wearing different clothes this time. So is he.
The doors close and Jin sees how Kame stares at his back. He looks even worse than before, and even the make-up doesn’t seem to hide the proofs of his exhaustion on his face. He stands behind him like he wouldn’t even really be there anymore. Like he’s on the other side of some supernatural veil to the world of the dead.
It’s nerving.
Eventually, he turns around. Kame doesn’t really move his gaze, he stands unmoving where he is, eyes now glued into Jin’s chest.
Jin wraps his arms around the younger man and feels his muscles straining in his hold. Soon, however, his arms wrap themselves around his form and Kame exhales almost contently. His head presses against Jin’s shoulder.
“I’m sorry for being an ass,” Jin whispers to him, feeling himself come apart. Kame nods gently - Jin can feel it from the way his chin presses deeper in his skin.
“Make up for it then,” Kame tells him without daring to look up at him and meet his eyes. He probably thinks he won’t. Kame’s always been unsure of himself, especially so when it comes to Jin. Jin blames it on the constant fighting they endure.
He finds the young man’s lips and kisses them gently. Kame sighs to the kiss and his palm brushes Jin’s skin where his neck meets his shoulder. It feels familiar and inviting.
“Call me,” Kame whispers to him as they move apart, lonely looks in their eyes. There’s a sad smile on his lips. He probably fears it’s just a one-time thing for him.
“I’ll call you,” he promises. Simple words, nothing more. They say enough.
The elevator stops and Kame gets off.
Jin continues his way down and can’t decide whether he’s happy or not.
-
Two weeks later, Jin drags Kame in his apartment. They kiss feverously when the apartment’s door slams shut behind them and Jin cups Kame’s bottom with his hands, enjoying the familiar feel. It makes him feel a bit younger. Maybe it’s because Kame’s skinnier again.
He carries the younger man to bed, ignoring the protests and fists hitting into his back. Kame wraps his legs around him and pants against Jin’s lips as he leans down to press another deep kiss on his lips again. Their tongues brush harshly against each other and their eyes slide shut. Kame’s hold on his hip tightens.
“Oh god, Jin,” he mumbles weakly and pulls down the zipper of Jin’s white hoodie. Their heads bump painfully against each other as they struggle to shed off their clothing quickly. First times after months apart are always the hastiest.
Jin trails kisses around Kame’s cheeks and down his jaw. He nibs at the soft skin of his throat and draws bruising circles on Kame’s inner thighs, reminding himself of the feeling.
Kame rolls on top of him and rocks their hips together. Jin gasps and throws his head back. Now it’s his turn to wrap his legs around Kame’s, to pull him closer and hope for the ride of his life. Kame’s good at giving those. He knows what looks good, he knows what feels good and what excites him. Jin thanks his skills for the entertainment business they try to tackle daily and the long duration of their relationship.
He looks tired when hovering over him and seems to have lost a notable amount of his stamina, though. Kame kisses his lips and chest, sucks on the dark nipples with his damp and pink tongue. Jin shivers as the wet trails he leaves behind feel cold on his bare skin.
“C’mere,” he whimpers and pulls Kame back up. He wraps his arms under Kame’s arms and holds him close as he kisses his lips, lapping at his teeth and trying to reach deeper in. Kame moans to the kiss and tilts his hips demandingly.
Kame’s nails scratch at the hair on his lower abdomen. Jin curses and hisses as he tries to find condoms and lube in the nightstand drawer. Kame chuckles and kisses his knee, fingers trailing up and down Jin’s calves.
Jin tosses his findings to Kame and lets his head hit the pillow again. He stares down at Kame between his legs and watches him tear the plastic wrapper open. His short fingers slip the condom neatly at its place and Jin huffs at the sight. He hasn’t gotten it in a while.
“Careful,” he hisses and Kame slaps his knee, informing him nonverbally that he’s well aware of how things should go now after way too many months. The lube feels cold against his skin and Jin tilts his hips into a better position. Kame pushes his legs up and out of the way. It’s a bit uncomfortable.
Kame preps him with his fingers. Jin doesn’t like just lying around - it feels uncomfortable each and every time. Because of that, he keeps teasing Kame by kicking him gently and trying to tickle his neck and ruffle his hair with his sole and toes. Kame bites on his heel and Jin withdraws his foot with a surprised wail.
Then Kame pushes in. Jin hisses - he’s still a bit tight and sore, but Kame feels good inside him nonetheless. Kame crawls properly on top of him again, tilting his hips experimentally. Jin gasps and throws his head back. Kame kisses his jaw and Jin’s fingers find their way on Kame’s ass.
They start moving. They’re not really in sync or anything - just like KAT-TUN’s dance performances, they’ve never quite managed to master the art of timing, no matter how many years they’ve worked on it. It doesn’t really ruin anything, though - Jin can feel the raw want and lust as the bed legs creak from the heated activity on their support. He wipes some smeared lube from his inner thighs and spreads it over his own length before he starts pumping.
Kame mewls. He sounds weak and tired as he moves. Jin supports him a lot and starts wondering if they should’ve done it the other way around - he knows Kame’s tired, he knows he’s draining out. Still, he tries to keep Kame from feeling too self-conscious about his exhaustion by murmuring encouraging and dirty words in his ear and using his own hands to guide the movement of Kame’s hips.
It’s still good. The sex. His body feels sensitive and hot and the sweat makes their movements easy and slick. Kame tastes salty on his tongue as Jin sucks on his throat, enjoying the bump his carotid artery makes on the skin.
Kame comes with a violent shove. He pulls out and whimpers weakly, collapsing over Jin’s body. The sound makes violent shivers run through Jin’s body and he feels himself spilling what he’s got as well when the sensation reaches his manhood.
He drops Kame on his side and brushes his fingers down the man’s side concernedly. Kame looks pale and worn out, even with the flush on his cheeks and where Jin’s lips have rested.
“I’m sorry. I’m a bit tired,” Kame sighs heavily and his eyes slide shut. Jin feels his good mood dropping and he pulls Kame’s body close in his hold, places a light peck on his temple and bites his lip.
“Sleep,” he encourages the younger man. “We’ve had our fun for tonight. There’s still time later.”
Kame frowns in discontentment, but slowly drifts off nonetheless, listening to Jin’s rapid heartbeat. It takes Jin longer to fall asleep as the dread starts settling in again. The awful feeling of hopelessness he isn’t sure how to overcome.
If there even is a way to overcome it.
-
“You fucking liar,” Kame smiles at him with his eyes free of emotions. The smile on his face looks scary as he trails a circle on Jin’s chest. Jin stands and shivers, stripped of all his clothing.
“Don’t hate me,” he whispers quietly. His voice is barely audible and Kame drowns it with his monotonous laughter. He starts tapping the circle he’s drawn with red. Twelve times all around. His finger is the hand.
“Turn it back,” Kame commands icily and draws a line in red. Then he grabs a painful hold of Jin’s hair with his scarlet fingers and starts turning his head around, lap after lap. Jin feels nauseous and horrified. He’s unable to speak or move - if he wouldn’t, he’d beg for Kame to stop. Please, please stop.
The red line on his stomach moves. Kame breaks into miserable tears.
-
Simultaneously with Kame’s life draining away from him, Jin starts developing insomnia. Because of the nightmares he finds himself lying awake in bed for hours to no end, just listening to the sound of clocks ticking. It isn’t really helping. He feels like wherever he goes now, he’ll always hear the sound overriding all others. It makes him flinch.
They’re unable to reach the high clouds with each other anymore. After a good six months Kame moves in with him, because he’s afraid of missing out on work because he keeps constantly oversleeping and KAT-TUN’s new album release is coming up. They’ve got a lot to work for - choreographies for performances, PV brainstorming and recording. They’re even planning a tour.
Jin doesn’t think Kame has the strength for everything as he sits alone at the studio. He finds himself unable to focus properly on producing new songs - the happy beats turn melancholic and he loses track of what he’s doing constantly as he falls too deep into his thoughts. He gets told off a lot, mostly by his manager. He’s unhappy with the lack of results.
“We’re discussing a new American tour with the higher ups so you need to get a hold of yourself, whatever your personal life issues are,” he scolds him harshly. “Nothing’s going to happen unless you have new songs, and they need to meet the audience’s expectations. So go clubbing for inspiration if it helps you any. Hook up with a girl.”
Jin starts brooding and stops listening to his manager’s rants after that. The guy wouldn’t understand anyway. No one would.
His situation is pretty unique, after all. Sometimes he really wishes he’d be just a normal guy, leading a normal life. No JE, no stupid pocket watches, no press and paparazzis, no expectations.
It’s impossible anymore, though. He’s too far over his head.
-
Kame collapses at singing practice. It’s a fucking singing practice, it’s not even physical exercise.
Jin flees the studio where he’s putting together his new songs. It can wait - Kame can’t. Not in his mind. He checks through all the practice rooms but finally finds the young man sitting on a bench in KAT-TUN’s dressing room, a bottle of water weakly in his hands and Koki with his arm draped around his shoulder sitting next to him.
He’s been terrified before, but this is something entirely new. He breaks into guilty tears and pulls Kame into a tight hug. His body feels flaccid and cold against his. His facial expression isn’t even screaming with the usual rainbow of hurtful emotions as it normally does when he experiences some sort of failure at work. It really looks like he’s too tired to even care anymore.
Koki stands up and hands Kame’s bag to Jin. He rubs Kame’s back weakly.
“He’s suspended for the time being. There’ll be a press conference he needs to attend tomorrow. Make sure he’s here at eight, alright?” Koki instructs him exhaustedly. “They’ll say it’s because of personal reasons but…”
Jin nods. He understands. It’s because Kame can’twork in the condition he’s in. He needs to get better first.
Except that he probably won’t get better. Only worse.
“I’m right here,” Kame mumbles darkly, breaking away from Jin’s hold. “Don’t talk like I’m not here. I am.”
Jin wipes his eyes and stares into Kame’s empty eyes. He’s never seen the man looking so tired.
“We’re going home,” he croaks and nods at Koki. “Thanks for calling.”
“Just take care of him.”
Kame only starts crying when they’re home. He weeps with a pale and ashen look on his face. His skin is so white it seems like the only thing keeping him Asian is his bone structure, and that in itself is incredibly scary.
“Shh, it’s okay,” he cries in Kame’s hair as he forces him into bed. “It’s alright, Kame. It’s not your fault.”
“I thought it’d be better once I got you back,” Kame’s voice cracks as he gasps. Jin loses himself in the empty corridors in Kame’s dull eyes. “I thought I’d get better. Just like always. You’ve always made me feel so good.”
The pocket watch burns in Jin’s pocket. Jin can hear it ticking in the silence and finds himself unable to find an answer for Kame. It’s not like he can tell the truth. It isn’t like telling the truth would be fair either. He’d just take the remaining bits of Kame’s peace of mind from him, which is just a little too cruel to do at this point anymore. At any point.
“I love you,” he whispers to the younger man with a shaky voice and threads his fingers through Kame’s hair. Kame had always told him he didn’t say it enough. “I’ve always loved you so fucking much.”
“Me too,” Kame cries in his forearm. “I’ve always loved you more than anything.”
-
Jin watches the press conference from his iPhone at the studio bathroom. He sits on the toilet seat inside a locked stall and chews on his finger nails.
The press is attacking as always. All the KAT-TUN members look tired and pale as they announce their hiatus. Junno, Koki, Ueda and Maru promise solo activity for the duration of the indefinite hiatus - Koki and Maru are trying to discuss a charity comedy show, Junno’s just gotten casted into a new drama and Ueda’s announcing his new Mouse Peace Live Show because he’s actually got some new songs to perform.
Kame gets blamed pretty harshly by the press. He tries politely and calmly to talk vaguely about personal issues he needs to address himself to. Koki keeps giving him worrying glances across the table. Everyone looks uneasy.
Jin hopes Koki’s gotten Kame home safely and stuck around to take care of him while he’s at work. He wishes he could be there, but Kame doesn’t let him skip. He wants at least one of them to hold onto their profession.
Kame always was a workaholic.
-
Everywhere it’s ticking. The sounds don’t go in sync but mix together in awfully overwhelming waves, tick-tick-tick-tock-tick-tock-tock-tick-tick-tock. Jin thinks he’s going crazy as the clocks start closing in.
Kame’s raging. He screams at him but Jin can’t make out the words. His hair is dark and ruffled like he wouldn’t have run a comb through it in weeks, only rolled around in bed day after day. He’s bony and the muscles once lining his body are gone. He looks incredibly sick.
Jin stands under a human-sized overturned clock that ticks away. Kame holds a huge golden hand of a clock. His face is flushed red with disgust as he looks Jin straight in the eyes. When Kame makes a lunge at him, Jin covers his face.
The clocks tick away, the sound echoing from the walls and sounding like a vicious thunder. Kame has him on the floor on his back as he rips his body apart with the sharp edge of the golden weapon in his hand. His eyes are fiery and crazed and Jin screams, trying to stop him with his hands but feeling them come apart as well.
“THIS IS YOU, YOU YOU YOU!” Kame screams at him wildly and pushes the wide shard in from his stomach. He pushes it upwards to his ribcage and Jin feels his body tilting with the force. He coughs up blood. Little droplets land on Kame’s face. “IT WAS YOU ALL ALONG, THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!”
It is.
He wakes up sweaty and scared shitless as all the clocks strike zero.
-
Kame can’t get out of the bed anymore. Not for long.
When he does, his feet drag across the floorings weakly. His movements are slow and he reminds Jin of a zombie. He doesn’t speak much - Jin isn’t exactly sure why. Maybe he’s decided to keep silent unless he has something even remotely happy to say, or maybe he’s just too tired to be bothered.
“I got you another doctor’s appointment,” Jin mumbles as he sits by his bedside and hands him a fruit shake, hoping to cheer him up and get something down in his stomach. “It’s on Wednesday. I know it’s two days from now, but -”
“Jin,” Kame speaks to him quietly, weakly holding the glass in his hands. “…Don’t get your hopes up.”
“What are you saying?” he wheezes. “Don’t give up, you jerk. You never give up. I won’t let you give up now!”
Kame sits silently, pillows supporting him. He doesn’t say anything, just looks at him through his swollen eyes. He’s starting to look frail enough to go.
“They haven’t found anything by now,” Kame whispers to him gently and brushes his cheek with the back of his hand. “I’m just saying that the chances are slim.”
“You’re dying,” Jin croaks and shakes his head. Tears start dwelling in his eyes. He can’t remember the last time he’d slept well. “Kame, you’re dying.”
“I know,” Kame whispers to him and manages to give him a lousy attempt of a smile as he leans forward to give a gentle peck on Jin’s lips. They haven’t really talked about it before. Not straight out.
“I’m scared,” Jin cries pathetically. He feels dirty and guilty, self-centred and idiotic as he puts the shake from Kame’s hand to the night stand and climbs over him to cry against the comfortable crook of his neck. It’s entirely his fault after all. “I’m so scared I wish I could die.”
“Don’t be an idiot,” Kame whispers back at him. His words are slurred as he speaks through his tired lips, eyes half-closed as his fingers weakly caress Jin’s nape. “Never say anything like that, Jin. Never.”
They lie silently there and Jin finally understands that Kame’s already come to terms with his situation. With his forthcoming death, even though no one can really say that it’s what’s waiting for him. No one knows. But Kame understands it nonetheless.
“I had a good life,” Kame whispers to his ear hours later. He’s almost asleep already, body limp under Jin’s weight. “You made me the happiest I could be.”
Jin cries after that. He doesn’t stop when Kame finally does fall asleep, he doesn’t stop when the clock strikes twelve or one or two. He doesn’t stop when he realises he forgot to force the fruit shake down Kame’s throat, nor when he starts feeling like he’s out of tears.
He only stops when he drifts off himself.
-
Jin starts googling for supernatural healers after that. He visits every single one of them alone. He finds himself upset as he realises he’s just getting conned time after time as he tries to explain the situation to them with pained blabbers and shows the cursed pocket watch. They always prescribe some herbs and whatever abracadabra chants for him. One of them even dares to give him weed, claiming it’s some mystical herb from centuries ago. Like hell it is.
The visit to the doctor is just as useless as all the appointments Kame’s had before. They’re completely appalled and the entire day goes by as they run whatever tests they can come up with. In the end they try to carefully hint at Jin that perhaps Kame has Münchausen syndrome. Jin snaps and throws a fit. It ends up in the papers and sooner than later the whole Japan knows that Kame is seriously ill and Jin is acting like a frustrated boyfriend, which he is.
He gets called into Johnny’s office afterwards. He spends thirty unbearably long minutes listening to him talking about rules, mistakes, press, fans, audience and the business before Jin finally realises that he’s fired.
Johnny’s actually being pretty gentle about it, and says it cannot be helped. He’s always survived with pushing his toes over the line, but this time he’s gone too far. Dating another Johnny’s, his former band member, and causing unimaginably much damage to the entire company by lashing out in public.
Maybe the old man’s right. Jin bites back bitter words and storms out of his office.
Pretty much all of his friends from JE try calling him that night. Jin assumes the word has spread, but he doesn’t care. Kame looks guiltier than ever before as he lies on the bed, eyes bloodshot.
He knows too, Jin assumes. Maybe Kame had even had the brains to expect it.
“I’m r-ruining your life,” Kame stutters as Jin wraps his arms around him tightly, holding him in his embrace. It’s ridiculous how Kame’s more upset about it than he finds the strength to be.
“No. I’m ruining yours,” Jin whispers back and feels like the blow is justified. “I always was.”
-
Friends visit every now and then. Koki brings Kame a huge dog plushie he forces in the weak man’s arms. He coos while he sits on his knees by Kame’s bed and helps him ruffle the plushie’s soft fur - he talks about materials and Kame tries to mumble weakly how he shouldn’t have paid so much for it. Jin’s heart aches as he watches the friends’ encounter from the doorway.
Koki’s always taken care of Kame to the best of his abilities. Jin watches him bawl like a little child and make Kame promise to eat properly and boss Jin around if he needs anything. Kame chuckles weakly and sighs against the dog’s fur.
Yamapi brings flowers. Jin finds it a bit offending, but maybe it’s just because he’s scared. Kame likes looking at the flowers anyway.
“It’s funny to see how many people actually cared,” he whispers to Jin one day as Jin helps him drink a shake with a straw. “How much of things wasn’t just an act.”
Jin takes the plushie Koki had left behind and makes woofing noises as he stuffs its snout in Kame’s face.
Kame calls him a puppy and smiles a bit as he shifts closer to him.
-
Jin wakes up to the sound of silence after a couple of hours of sleep. His hand tiredly fishes out the golden pocket watch from under the mattress where he’s hidden it. He peers sleepily at the clock face, vision still blurry from the sleep.
The hands stand still and the once ticking object lies in his palm, lifeless.
He kisses Kame’s cold nape and feels tears coming forth as he drapes his arms around the figure again. Kame’s body feels still and cold. He doesn’t react.
The red hand of the clock breaks and shatters.
-
.the end
“Be careful with what you wish for.”