fic: Hush
It’s quiet now. It’s always quiet now.
You lie on the hospital bed and stare at the ceiling, a couple of tubes attached to your arm. There’s a soft and quiet sound of liquid drops and your slightly hoarse breathing but that’s about it. Your eyelids don’t even feel as heavy as they sometimes do.
It’s just that it’s always really quiet now.
You remember their faces. Their hurt, betrayed faces. And it wasn’t your fault. Johnny made me. They don’t listen. They know it’s true. But you could’ve insisted. Instead you didn’t, not hard enough. But Johnny made me. But it doesn’t count.
And now you’re there. Lying. And all you have to listen to is the silence.
It’s always just the silence now when you leave the popular places. And in those it could just as well be the same. The talking isn’t directed at you.
No one talks to you anymore.
But it isn’t your fault. It isn’t.
Johnny made me.
Pitter patter pitter patter. You shift uncomfortably on the bed and try to look out of the window from where you’re lying, through your heavy eyelids. All you can see is the sky.
It just isn’t beautiful right now.
It’s not beautiful when you lie in the hospital and no one wants to talk to you. Yamapi does, Yamapi likes talking to you, still. But somehow he’s still with Jin so much. It’s understandable. It’s just so unfair how Jin can forgive him but not you. How Jin just won’t forgive you.
Maybe because Yamapi isn’t a part of KAT-TUN. Even if you were forced to debut with him. It’s not about Yamapi, it’s not Yamapi’s betrayal. It’s yours.
But Johnny made me.
Funny how you’d expect everyone to be around you and apologizing when you lie in the hospital. How you’d expect everyone to arrive with guilty looks and small bouquets of flowers or little gifts.
No one does. Well, your family does. Some uninvolved friends. Yamapi.
No AT-TUN.
And it’s so fucking unfair that it doesn’t even feel real anymore.
Well, it isn’t like you didn’t deserve it, you did. You brought it upon yourself.
You went and debuted without them. You were the one who exhausted you to the point of being forced into a hospital. To the point where you nearly had a heart-failure at the age of 19.
You just wanted them to look at you in the eye. You just wanted them to talk to you. Maybe if you worried them enough they’d say something to you. Maybe they’d come and talk to you. Maybe they’d understand how incredibly sorry you were. They used to worry so much about you.
Not anymore, though. It’s the same old tricks.
And now you’re in the hospital. Alone. And it’s so, so quiet.
You need rest. You do. You bury your face in your hands and keep calm. No tears. Tears were exhausting. You needed rest. They said if you want to get out you need to sleep and eat. Rest a little. Take care of yourself.
It’s so hard to take care of yourself when no one’s there for you.
The hospital room remains silent.
…You just wanted them to talk to you.
--
Outside your room, there is someone. There is someone who stands beside the door with his head hung and worries sick about you. Someone who doesn’t have the courage to face you. Not anymore after your stunt. The guilt is too overwhelming.
He’s sorry nonetheless.