the internet bill has been paid so it's no longer turned off
dear friends,
i'm sure you're all aware by the last post i made (a friends only post, the only one ive ever made) my weekend began with a pretty rocky start. basically to those uninformed it was a major disappointed already thrown on to an ever growing questionable relationship. actually i'll take off the friend's only status because it will make everything easier to explain. i'm lazy and i dont care to elaborate on something thats already written out.
go read it real quick.
BUT anyway, it got better. patrick showed up at the airport the next morning, and we ended up having a pretty good weekend. although, after much talking he and i had come to some new conclusions. first and foremost, i have to admit, i am no good at long distance relationships, and both patrick and i have been together in one for almost two years now. it was easier to swallow when he was in the state, but him in FUCKING atlanta... it's not really as easy for me to deal with. it's just sort painful and depressing wanting so much from one person when they're not at all in a position to give it to you. it's really hard to be in a relationship with someone who isn't here basically. i also feel like it holds me back in a lot of ways too. as the jobbing/rent paying member of the relationship i feel this obligation to maintain a place where we can be together when he's not off doing his thing, and honestly i hate it. i feel like im a prisoner to my rent and a slave to my wage, and i've been doing it all along for him, but he's not here. it just makes me into this miserable depressed person, and id really like to get over that and work on myself for a little bit. i'm 20 and i don't even know exactly what i'm doing yet, and i'm not even really doing anything to get there. i've just been in this hole. i don't blame him for any of this, nor does he blame me. we're both pretty realistic people, and we only want the best for eachother.
i'm sure you're just wondering where this is going now, right? what the hell am i trying to say?
well basically knew we had to do something, and we really have no desire to break up just yet, there's still a lot of love here, i love him more then i've loved anyone in my entire life, and vice versa. we concluded an open relationship might be best for now, and the funny thing is neither of us are even going to have sex with other people which is usually why people go into open relationships. physcial affection is really important to me, and it is one of the many reasons for this, but it's not really sex i miss as much as someone to just spoon with and watch cartoons with. outside of patrick, i just kind of want a cuddle buddy if anything. if anybody goes for my pee pee, they are so uninvited. i just have no desire for sex outside of someone i'm in love with. i've had it before and it's lame. mostly though, it was just to rid me of this sense of obligation to him for things he can't really take care of right now, and it's giving me a little more mental clarity to help me work on myself. i don't want to be mad at him for something he can't control, that's really stupid and irrational. we're still going to see each other as much as possible, and nothing between us is really going to change at all, it'll just make it easier on my end to deal with certain aspects of the long distance relationship i'm struggling with.
in the last few weeks i've actually taken up drinking again. being alone late at night in my room just wanting so much from him, it just hurts. i don't want to become this emotionally wreaked, despressed, miserable person at all, and i'm also not ready to let him go, so i think this is the best option for us right now. i'm actually quite happy about us for once. it's just nice to have hope and not be so hopeless.
alright, it's time for me to hop in the shower and get ready for work. i actually feel much more optimistic now. it's pretty refreshing.
love always,
Justin Stanley
i'm sure you're all aware by the last post i made (a friends only post, the only one ive ever made) my weekend began with a pretty rocky start. basically to those uninformed it was a major disappointed already thrown on to an ever growing questionable relationship. actually i'll take off the friend's only status because it will make everything easier to explain. i'm lazy and i dont care to elaborate on something thats already written out.
go read it real quick.
BUT anyway, it got better. patrick showed up at the airport the next morning, and we ended up having a pretty good weekend. although, after much talking he and i had come to some new conclusions. first and foremost, i have to admit, i am no good at long distance relationships, and both patrick and i have been together in one for almost two years now. it was easier to swallow when he was in the state, but him in FUCKING atlanta... it's not really as easy for me to deal with. it's just sort painful and depressing wanting so much from one person when they're not at all in a position to give it to you. it's really hard to be in a relationship with someone who isn't here basically. i also feel like it holds me back in a lot of ways too. as the jobbing/rent paying member of the relationship i feel this obligation to maintain a place where we can be together when he's not off doing his thing, and honestly i hate it. i feel like im a prisoner to my rent and a slave to my wage, and i've been doing it all along for him, but he's not here. it just makes me into this miserable depressed person, and id really like to get over that and work on myself for a little bit. i'm 20 and i don't even know exactly what i'm doing yet, and i'm not even really doing anything to get there. i've just been in this hole. i don't blame him for any of this, nor does he blame me. we're both pretty realistic people, and we only want the best for eachother.
i'm sure you're just wondering where this is going now, right? what the hell am i trying to say?
well basically knew we had to do something, and we really have no desire to break up just yet, there's still a lot of love here, i love him more then i've loved anyone in my entire life, and vice versa. we concluded an open relationship might be best for now, and the funny thing is neither of us are even going to have sex with other people which is usually why people go into open relationships. physcial affection is really important to me, and it is one of the many reasons for this, but it's not really sex i miss as much as someone to just spoon with and watch cartoons with. outside of patrick, i just kind of want a cuddle buddy if anything. if anybody goes for my pee pee, they are so uninvited. i just have no desire for sex outside of someone i'm in love with. i've had it before and it's lame. mostly though, it was just to rid me of this sense of obligation to him for things he can't really take care of right now, and it's giving me a little more mental clarity to help me work on myself. i don't want to be mad at him for something he can't control, that's really stupid and irrational. we're still going to see each other as much as possible, and nothing between us is really going to change at all, it'll just make it easier on my end to deal with certain aspects of the long distance relationship i'm struggling with.
in the last few weeks i've actually taken up drinking again. being alone late at night in my room just wanting so much from him, it just hurts. i don't want to become this emotionally wreaked, despressed, miserable person at all, and i'm also not ready to let him go, so i think this is the best option for us right now. i'm actually quite happy about us for once. it's just nice to have hope and not be so hopeless.
alright, it's time for me to hop in the shower and get ready for work. i actually feel much more optimistic now. it's pretty refreshing.
love always,
Justin Stanley