Fandom: The Big Damn Emotional Journey
Disclaimer: If vaguely incoherent rantings and scary run-on sentences about fandom, race, writing, meta, slash dynamics, graphics, and gratuitous emo aren't for you, turn back now. This is limited-holds-barred and potentially (though not intentionally) offensive.
This morning, I was suffering from a terrible case of the I-utterly-despise-everything-I've-ever-created-ever blahs, which I won't go too deeply into, but I will admit to being overwhelmed by fandom at times. It's big, it's scary, and the thought of it turning on me due to my shaky-at-best grasp on characterization especially drvies me into hiding more often than not. The thing I really like about Top Gear fandom (the smallest fandom I've ever been involved in) is that it was immediately welcoming, even in the face of much, much more talented people than I. But now, with my recent Heroes obsession, the daunting prospect of jumping back into huge fandom, with its oceans of dreck and BNFs and elitists and not-so-friendly discussions, is making me contemplate me-locking this journal and writing bad Peter/Mohinder fic and making silly icons in relative peace. But I won't, of course, because I'm secretly a total feedback whore and crave meaningful (even if that meaning is just a shared 'SQUEE!') contact with other fans, as my fannish rl friends are in totally different fandoms than I am and never know what I'm on about.
In conclusion: Fandom is scary. Baby steps, Ab. Baby steps.
Next!
So I discovered metafandom today, and was impressed by the broad range of topics and by how damn interesting everything was. I was especially intrigued by discussions of relationship dynamics and homosexuality in slash fiction, since I'm trying really hard to write a story which could be terribly cliché without actually being cliché about the whole thing. (Think locked-room, will-they-won't-they scenario, except with invisible death rays. And no sex.) Apparently writing a character falling in love with someone of the same gender while not identifying as gay or bi is anti-homosexual? I'll admit to not entirely understanding that viewpoint, but I'm worried as to how widespread it is, because that's sort of the angle I was going for and I'm certainly not anti-gay at all. I mostly just wanted to have some fun with the awkwardness potential of taking an emotional connection to a physical level too fast and trying to balance the initial freak-out against the enjoying-that-more-than-they-should-have factor. (Spoiler: Enjoyment wins. That pair deserves some happy.)
From there, I found a discussion of race in Heroes centered around one of the characters I'm writing at the moment, which then went into an analysis of race in general on Heroes. Race has been being addressed in a lot of fandoms lately, which is far from a bad thing, but it serves to make me extremely paranoid. Honestly, fandom is my escape mechanism, so I'm fully prepared to take the majority of what I see at face value, even when I probably shouldn't. I guess that makes me a bad liberal or whatever, but though I do speak up about things that really don't sit right with me, I'll also be perfectly content to ignore historical accuracy and squee over Martha/Frank (for example) in peace. I'll admit that only a few of the major issues people have with Heroes raised flags with me, like DL being a criminal. I may have been too distracted by the pretty to notice some of the more flagrant stereotyping, or unfortunately, I may just be too accustomed to them. It's disappointing, but an unfortunate fact. (At this point, I would like to mention that I was disappointed in the lack of strong female characters before it was pointed out to me. Come on, Kring. I know you've got it in you.) Basically, where I'm going with this is that I'm afraid my general obliviousness with big issues like race in fandom and my unfortunate tendency towards euphemism abuse will end up offending people, which I really don't want to do. So, I spent a few paranoid hours avoiding my Peter/Mohinder fic like the plague because I had no idea what I was supposed to do with something I had been ignoring because I didn't see it having a place in the story, but apparently wasn't supposed to ignore.
In conclusion: Bugger it, instead of focusing on race, which I never planned to do, wouldn't fully understand, and would probably massively fuck up anyway, wouldn't the conflicts between the academic/logical versus highly emotional/empathic viewpoints be a more interesting jumping-off point for late night philosophy discussion anyway?
Next!
I think I still hate my icon. The angle's off or something. It's bugging me.
In conclusion: If Kring would give Peter and Mohinder more screentime together, I wouldn't have to resort to making dodgy manips.
Next!
Heroes needs to come out on dvd so I can start vidding. I heard the most insane, perfect song for Peter/Nathan today (I used some lyrics on the cut text.) called Peter Bazooka, and Guggenhiem Grotto's Philosophia is crying out for a Peter/Mohinder vid of surreal proportions. And, if I was feeling really ambitious, Paul Simon's Diamonds On The Soles Of Her Shoes would rock either Simone/Issac or Peter/Issac, but I doubt I could get enough out of them for a six-minute song. Boo.
In conclusion: Be August!
In conclusion: Fuck it, there's a Heroes marathon on. I need some pretty.
This morning, I was suffering from a terrible case of the I-utterly-despise-everything-I've-ever-created-ever blahs, which I won't go too deeply into, but I will admit to being overwhelmed by fandom at times. It's big, it's scary, and the thought of it turning on me due to my shaky-at-best grasp on characterization especially drvies me into hiding more often than not. The thing I really like about Top Gear fandom (the smallest fandom I've ever been involved in) is that it was immediately welcoming, even in the face of much, much more talented people than I. But now, with my recent Heroes obsession, the daunting prospect of jumping back into huge fandom, with its oceans of dreck and BNFs and elitists and not-so-friendly discussions, is making me contemplate me-locking this journal and writing bad Peter/Mohinder fic and making silly icons in relative peace. But I won't, of course, because I'm secretly a total feedback whore and crave meaningful (even if that meaning is just a shared 'SQUEE!') contact with other fans, as my fannish rl friends are in totally different fandoms than I am and never know what I'm on about.
In conclusion: Fandom is scary. Baby steps, Ab. Baby steps.
Next!
So I discovered metafandom today, and was impressed by the broad range of topics and by how damn interesting everything was. I was especially intrigued by discussions of relationship dynamics and homosexuality in slash fiction, since I'm trying really hard to write a story which could be terribly cliché without actually being cliché about the whole thing. (Think locked-room, will-they-won't-they scenario, except with invisible death rays. And no sex.) Apparently writing a character falling in love with someone of the same gender while not identifying as gay or bi is anti-homosexual? I'll admit to not entirely understanding that viewpoint, but I'm worried as to how widespread it is, because that's sort of the angle I was going for and I'm certainly not anti-gay at all. I mostly just wanted to have some fun with the awkwardness potential of taking an emotional connection to a physical level too fast and trying to balance the initial freak-out against the enjoying-that-more-than-they-should-have factor. (Spoiler: Enjoyment wins. That pair deserves some happy.)
From there, I found a discussion of race in Heroes centered around one of the characters I'm writing at the moment, which then went into an analysis of race in general on Heroes. Race has been being addressed in a lot of fandoms lately, which is far from a bad thing, but it serves to make me extremely paranoid. Honestly, fandom is my escape mechanism, so I'm fully prepared to take the majority of what I see at face value, even when I probably shouldn't. I guess that makes me a bad liberal or whatever, but though I do speak up about things that really don't sit right with me, I'll also be perfectly content to ignore historical accuracy and squee over Martha/Frank (for example) in peace. I'll admit that only a few of the major issues people have with Heroes raised flags with me, like DL being a criminal. I may have been too distracted by the pretty to notice some of the more flagrant stereotyping, or unfortunately, I may just be too accustomed to them. It's disappointing, but an unfortunate fact. (At this point, I would like to mention that I was disappointed in the lack of strong female characters before it was pointed out to me. Come on, Kring. I know you've got it in you.) Basically, where I'm going with this is that I'm afraid my general obliviousness with big issues like race in fandom and my unfortunate tendency towards euphemism abuse will end up offending people, which I really don't want to do. So, I spent a few paranoid hours avoiding my Peter/Mohinder fic like the plague because I had no idea what I was supposed to do with something I had been ignoring because I didn't see it having a place in the story, but apparently wasn't supposed to ignore.
In conclusion: Bugger it, instead of focusing on race, which I never planned to do, wouldn't fully understand, and would probably massively fuck up anyway, wouldn't the conflicts between the academic/logical versus highly emotional/empathic viewpoints be a more interesting jumping-off point for late night philosophy discussion anyway?
Next!
I think I still hate my icon. The angle's off or something. It's bugging me.
In conclusion: If Kring would give Peter and Mohinder more screentime together, I wouldn't have to resort to making dodgy manips.
Next!
Heroes needs to come out on dvd so I can start vidding. I heard the most insane, perfect song for Peter/Nathan today (I used some lyrics on the cut text.) called Peter Bazooka, and Guggenhiem Grotto's Philosophia is crying out for a Peter/Mohinder vid of surreal proportions. And, if I was feeling really ambitious, Paul Simon's Diamonds On The Soles Of Her Shoes would rock either Simone/Issac or Peter/Issac, but I doubt I could get enough out of them for a six-minute song. Boo.
In conclusion: Be August!
In conclusion: Fuck it, there's a Heroes marathon on. I need some pretty.