Apologies ahead of time for the emo-bitchiness
So...tonight Jamie and I saw Tenacious D-a trip we have been planing since we first basically saw it advertised a couple of months ago. It started out pretty good, but unfortunately it, just like all of my other long-term plans, has fallen to complete fucking rubble.
We left Jamie's house around 6:00 and headed to Robinson to meet up with Amber and Marlon, who we just found out is moving to Kentucky in a couple of weeks to get some Sam Goody job. Anyways, the ride up was pretty good as we hung out with Olde Abe and cautiously made our way there. I even felt pretty okay, dizziness-wise. The movie was pretty great. We all laughed our asses off during most of it. I loved it.
After the movie was over the four of us were supposed to eat at McDonalds or something...but after a phone call of some sort the pan was changed to everyone just driving thru Mickey D's and going to Marlon's. Unfortunately for me, I felt like shit for the total ride back to the area. Dizzy, of course. Plus I had my daily headache to top it ever so nicely. If Marlon would have lived closer, I probably would have been okay, but we were in Wintersville and he lives in Mingo. I basically told Jamie that I really did not want to make that drive, I felt awful. So, he got out of the car and talked to them, then came back to the car to tell me that he was "ditching" me to go there. It pretty much sucked to hear, but I could understand with Marlon moving and all. So, here I am being alone at Jamie's while they all hang out at Marlon's. Great Friday night and yet another action packed day of break. I don't know, the whole situation just really upset me. I'm so sick of this.....I've been suffering with almost non-stop dizziness and shitiness for months, literally.
Even for Homecomming in mid-Spetember I felt like absolute shit. And even before that event I felt awful. I did no Halloween activities because of this, and the one time we tried, it all went to hell. I fucked this day up for it, and countless "unimportant" nights. I even felt like shit for warped Tour. In fucking July. FUCK. I can't even explain how much I hate this. All I want to do sometimes is just throw my fucking sickly body off of a bridge. I get happy-I get sick, I get excited-I get sick, I make plans-I get sick, I ride in a car-I get sick. Seriously, one of the triggers of all of this bullshit is excitement. No lie. No fucking lie. I can't even live like a regular teenager, and nobody can do shit about it. I can't go on trying to learn to drive because I can hardly even look at the road anymore. I can't even feel comfortable in a car with anyone but Jamie and my mom. I just am constantly afraid of getting the unltimate sickness and freaking someone out; wich has happened so many times. I odn't even feel normal at all. I'm just constanly in pain somewhere. My aunt suspects that I have "fiber mialshia (sp?)" wich is wonderful. It wasn't a very thought out diagnosis, but just the fact that it was made sort of depresses me. I'm fucking 17 but I feel like I'm pushing 50. I would just do anything to have 1 year to feel like a normal healthy teen. Because I've been stuck with this shit since before I could talk and if anything, it's all getting worse. I hate to be so down on here, but god damnit I'm tired of all of this. I just want it to be over with.
I just wish someone was here. Jamie probably won't be back until very late, so I'm alone until some wee hour of the morning. I don't know at all what to do. I can't deal with this for much longer. I dunno, I should go, staring at this bold white screen is only making my head pound much harder. So, if you read this, high five. If not, I can't blame you. Sorry for being such a complete drag.