(no subject)
I'M FAT!
I'm fat and bloated and i can't stop drinking soda i just fucking can't there's no possible way i'd feel satisfied with anything else and it's just so easy to eat the things i've been eating lately there's nothing else i really want anymore and even still i'm starting to feel bored with what i'm eating it's everyday i slowly and slowly stop eating certain things till eventually i'll barely be eating anything that's reasonably considered food but i can't stop eating it and i just look at myself and i feel so ugly and my face is broken out with pimples everywhere and i can't even get my ass off my couch to clean up my room let alone exercise.
I hate living here i feel crowded and suffocated by her and her horrible suffocatting, controlling, selfish ways i hate having to live under her rule again and slowly and slowly shes still getting to me i hate her and i hate how shes doing the same thing she did to me with Ashley and i hate how i'm the one who's always in trouble for something despite the fact that Ikey and Ashley are fully capable of doing these things yet it always falls on me and i hate that even though she runs around the house doing whatever the fuck she wants with the electricity while i get yelled at for trying to dry my laundry.
I hate it here i hate it here the room gets smaller and smaller everyday there's no room for anything and it seems as if i'm the only one who even cares there's nothing to put anything and it all sits out everywhere and its all over the tables and the floor and i hate it worse than i did in Ottawa i can't concentrate i can't live i can't be happy in this room i hate it i hate how i have to compromise like this when there would be perfect space for things if only we were able to organize things that we don't even use half the time and its always messy and a clean room barely lasts an hour and the table is so dirty and i haven't even cleaned the shower and the toilett in a while and i haven't vaccumed and the fucking pantry is covered in saw dust because of moms renovations and its been like that for a week and i still haven't done shit all about it because i look around and i can't even find a reason why i should clean it because it'll just get dirty again.
And i hate work i hate it so much i used to think i could get my anger out there except it just makes me hate myself more because i feel as if i'm a huge bitch and i can't stop yelling about stupid customers and i can't stop being angry and it just makes me feel like shit because i just get yelled at all day and i can't stop thinking about how this is just purgatory till i can get my own shop but more and more i just keep thinking about how thats just a pipe dream and that its never going to happen i'll never be able to figure out how to get a buisness plan going and how to convince the DBA and how to get all the distributors i need for all the product i need and how to get all the statistics i need that show why i need so much money and i don't even know if i know if i'm going to be able to run a buisness or price things properly and everything that comes with a buisness and what if it doesn't even make it at all will i even survive a bankrupcy? And what if Mat doesn't get back to me by the time the shop i want is available and what if i can't even get a shop downtown like i want or what if Mat can't even get the information we need or what if he never gets back to me or what if our idea for the shop completely bombs or what if he decides that he doesn't want to do it anymore or what if we can't even get the money we need for this?
And what about my money all i have is what i'm going on a bi-weekly basis my credit card gets higher and higher and i can't stop spending my money but i need things like clothes and people keep wanting to do things but my budget doesn't even give me that option and all i want to do is break out on my own and get my own place and my own kitten and more space and more freedom with Ikey but i can't do that because i'm tied down with my debt and the huge trip that decided to happen right when i decided that i wanted to do my own thing.
And the trip makes me sad too because its my first time seeing the ocean and ikey won't even be there he can't afford it and i can't afford it but i really want to go and i really want him to go i can't get stuck with my family for an entire week especially if they want me to drink and it would have been so romantic to walk the beach alone with him and i really wanted him to be there to help me take my pictures and i would have really needed his support for my first real photo shoot since i really appreciate his opinion but he's not even going and i want him to go so bad that i'm even considering paying for him but i can't do that i can't afford that and he can't afford to pay me back i don't even know if he'll be able to afford living alone with me....
Sigh....
I'm fat and bloated and i can't stop drinking soda i just fucking can't there's no possible way i'd feel satisfied with anything else and it's just so easy to eat the things i've been eating lately there's nothing else i really want anymore and even still i'm starting to feel bored with what i'm eating it's everyday i slowly and slowly stop eating certain things till eventually i'll barely be eating anything that's reasonably considered food but i can't stop eating it and i just look at myself and i feel so ugly and my face is broken out with pimples everywhere and i can't even get my ass off my couch to clean up my room let alone exercise.
I hate living here i feel crowded and suffocated by her and her horrible suffocatting, controlling, selfish ways i hate having to live under her rule again and slowly and slowly shes still getting to me i hate her and i hate how shes doing the same thing she did to me with Ashley and i hate how i'm the one who's always in trouble for something despite the fact that Ikey and Ashley are fully capable of doing these things yet it always falls on me and i hate that even though she runs around the house doing whatever the fuck she wants with the electricity while i get yelled at for trying to dry my laundry.
I hate it here i hate it here the room gets smaller and smaller everyday there's no room for anything and it seems as if i'm the only one who even cares there's nothing to put anything and it all sits out everywhere and its all over the tables and the floor and i hate it worse than i did in Ottawa i can't concentrate i can't live i can't be happy in this room i hate it i hate how i have to compromise like this when there would be perfect space for things if only we were able to organize things that we don't even use half the time and its always messy and a clean room barely lasts an hour and the table is so dirty and i haven't even cleaned the shower and the toilett in a while and i haven't vaccumed and the fucking pantry is covered in saw dust because of moms renovations and its been like that for a week and i still haven't done shit all about it because i look around and i can't even find a reason why i should clean it because it'll just get dirty again.
And i hate work i hate it so much i used to think i could get my anger out there except it just makes me hate myself more because i feel as if i'm a huge bitch and i can't stop yelling about stupid customers and i can't stop being angry and it just makes me feel like shit because i just get yelled at all day and i can't stop thinking about how this is just purgatory till i can get my own shop but more and more i just keep thinking about how thats just a pipe dream and that its never going to happen i'll never be able to figure out how to get a buisness plan going and how to convince the DBA and how to get all the distributors i need for all the product i need and how to get all the statistics i need that show why i need so much money and i don't even know if i know if i'm going to be able to run a buisness or price things properly and everything that comes with a buisness and what if it doesn't even make it at all will i even survive a bankrupcy? And what if Mat doesn't get back to me by the time the shop i want is available and what if i can't even get a shop downtown like i want or what if Mat can't even get the information we need or what if he never gets back to me or what if our idea for the shop completely bombs or what if he decides that he doesn't want to do it anymore or what if we can't even get the money we need for this?
And what about my money all i have is what i'm going on a bi-weekly basis my credit card gets higher and higher and i can't stop spending my money but i need things like clothes and people keep wanting to do things but my budget doesn't even give me that option and all i want to do is break out on my own and get my own place and my own kitten and more space and more freedom with Ikey but i can't do that because i'm tied down with my debt and the huge trip that decided to happen right when i decided that i wanted to do my own thing.
And the trip makes me sad too because its my first time seeing the ocean and ikey won't even be there he can't afford it and i can't afford it but i really want to go and i really want him to go i can't get stuck with my family for an entire week especially if they want me to drink and it would have been so romantic to walk the beach alone with him and i really wanted him to be there to help me take my pictures and i would have really needed his support for my first real photo shoot since i really appreciate his opinion but he's not even going and i want him to go so bad that i'm even considering paying for him but i can't do that i can't afford that and he can't afford to pay me back i don't even know if he'll be able to afford living alone with me....
Sigh....