[ARTICLES]
Turkey Couple Faces Manslaughter Charge
Following last week's turkey terror, the authorities and citizens of Boston have been doing their very best to collect all of the missing animals, though a small number are still unaccounted for and presumed to have slipped out of circulation.
Mr and Mrs Christian have been indicted for manslaughter and aiding and abetting respectively, with numerous subsequent charges regarding inappropriate and unlawful breeding of uncertified mutated livestock, following the deaths of a number of people during the incident. While no one died from consuming the meat directly, amongst those who died were an unmarried couple sharing a romantic turkey dinner, who leapt to their deaths hallucinating that they could fly, and in a further unrelated incident a man was struck by a tram pursuing a turkey across the path of the vehicle. A total of nine people died as a result of the couples' Tanksgiving cash-grab.
No less than eighty-seven people attempted to take the reward for handing in animals falsely, presenting everything from bloatflies with feathers taped on to slightly off chicken carcasses stripped bare.
[A photograph of the couple is featured here, standing in their flock of turkeys proudly before their arrest.]
Body count piles up in Sweet Shop Charade
Police are desperately seeking two suspects of a sweet shop robbery last Wednesday following further violence from the fugitives. Twenty two year career agent Ronald McCormick was shot dead yesterday night following an attempt to corral the two suspects after a backroom doctor contacted ACRO with information. Ronald entered alone to apprehend the suspects despite his partner warning him to wait for backup. Doctor Smith escaped with a minor concussion after being struck on the head with a tablelamp.
The two suspects, still at large, are considered armed and dangerous, and should not be approached under any circumstances. ACRO are still eager to hear from anyone who can offer information that leads to their arrest.
[This follow up on the sweet shop robbery incident features two composite sketches of the criminals, one that looks a lot like he ought to be in a boy band while another features a nose and black eyes amidst a sea of beard and hair, differentiated only by the fact that the beard is extremely curly. Besides these are two photographs, one of the deceased ACRO agent Ronald McCormick and another of the crossfire victim Grant Turner.]
Radiation Poisoning Puts 17 into Intensive Care
Sanctimonia are being slated today following illness and injury that, it is claimed, has been caused by their bottled water distribution. Three homeless people and a number of others have been taken to hospital showing signs of extreme radiation poisoning and there is evidence that they have been surviving on Sanctimonia handouts.
Symptoms of imbibing radioactive material are steady destruction of the lining of the stomach and upper digestive system, painful bladder problems and passing blood, and contusions on the skin, particularly around the mouth, but as the radiation poisoning goes on untreated these contusions, burns and abrasions become worse still.
No comment could be drawn from Sanctimonia regarding these concerns.
Following last week's turkey terror, the authorities and citizens of Boston have been doing their very best to collect all of the missing animals, though a small number are still unaccounted for and presumed to have slipped out of circulation.
Mr and Mrs Christian have been indicted for manslaughter and aiding and abetting respectively, with numerous subsequent charges regarding inappropriate and unlawful breeding of uncertified mutated livestock, following the deaths of a number of people during the incident. While no one died from consuming the meat directly, amongst those who died were an unmarried couple sharing a romantic turkey dinner, who leapt to their deaths hallucinating that they could fly, and in a further unrelated incident a man was struck by a tram pursuing a turkey across the path of the vehicle. A total of nine people died as a result of the couples' Tanksgiving cash-grab.
No less than eighty-seven people attempted to take the reward for handing in animals falsely, presenting everything from bloatflies with feathers taped on to slightly off chicken carcasses stripped bare.
[A photograph of the couple is featured here, standing in their flock of turkeys proudly before their arrest.]
Body count piles up in Sweet Shop Charade
Police are desperately seeking two suspects of a sweet shop robbery last Wednesday following further violence from the fugitives. Twenty two year career agent Ronald McCormick was shot dead yesterday night following an attempt to corral the two suspects after a backroom doctor contacted ACRO with information. Ronald entered alone to apprehend the suspects despite his partner warning him to wait for backup. Doctor Smith escaped with a minor concussion after being struck on the head with a tablelamp.
The two suspects, still at large, are considered armed and dangerous, and should not be approached under any circumstances. ACRO are still eager to hear from anyone who can offer information that leads to their arrest.
[This follow up on the sweet shop robbery incident features two composite sketches of the criminals, one that looks a lot like he ought to be in a boy band while another features a nose and black eyes amidst a sea of beard and hair, differentiated only by the fact that the beard is extremely curly. Besides these are two photographs, one of the deceased ACRO agent Ronald McCormick and another of the crossfire victim Grant Turner.]
Radiation Poisoning Puts 17 into Intensive Care
Sanctimonia are being slated today following illness and injury that, it is claimed, has been caused by their bottled water distribution. Three homeless people and a number of others have been taken to hospital showing signs of extreme radiation poisoning and there is evidence that they have been surviving on Sanctimonia handouts.
Symptoms of imbibing radioactive material are steady destruction of the lining of the stomach and upper digestive system, painful bladder problems and passing blood, and contusions on the skin, particularly around the mouth, but as the radiation poisoning goes on untreated these contusions, burns and abrasions become worse still.
No comment could be drawn from Sanctimonia regarding these concerns.