[ARTICLE - HEADLINES]
BLOFLISTONE: MIRACLE DRUG OR SOMETHING ELSE?
by Lionel Logan
If this doesn't make you run for the hills, nothing will. This past week, the General Hospital put out an small, almost unnoticed announcement that it has approved of a grant to fund an extension to its services - a mutant-run primary clinic, you heard me right - in the Greater Boston area, to begin treating people starting next year. Hospital officials naturally refused to provide this roving reporter any details as to the specifics of the deal, but certain sources who wish to remain anonymous have informed me that the clinic will be overseen by a mutant who was very recently granted a medical license and that the clinic, which will accept both Mutants and us, will be, so they say, to lighten the burden of the general hospital by treating so-called non-emergency situations and what-have-you for a cheaper rate.
The fact that the hospital slapped a medical license on some random Mutant who may or may not even be remotely competent and called them a doctor, or the fact we're likely about to be offered sub-par treatment by said Mutant because the Hos can't be bothered to treat us now, is not even the stuff this article is made of. What shocked this reporter to the bone was that one of the clauses of this so-called grant was the development and research of a drug tentatively called 'bloflistone', which according to my sources, is going to be primarily harvested from radroach bile and designed to prevent bloatfly larvae from making themselves at home in unsuspecting human organs. Yes, apparently one dose will sizzle the suckers right out of your digestive tract. And the right to produce it will belong to the General Hospital.
But wait, you might ask, isn't this a good thing? We need help like this, isn't this new clinic going to help our health care problem in the long run? And wait, don't we want to cure this horrible problem if someone's making medication for it? No, actually, it's not and you necessarily don't, and I'll tell you why: because BLI is not the problem people make it out to be. This is just the newest venture, in a long line of them mind you, of the Hos' continuing attempt to control every aspect of your doctors, medicine and health care, down to the last dose - regardless of how silly the 'problem' is - and wastefully spending, and rewarding themselves, money you've given them to do it.
For those of you who have never had it, bloatfly larvae infestation, or BLI, isn't exactly a horrific death sentence as urban legend (and I'm sure the Hos, eventually) would have you believe. Most of the time - and it's much more common than you think - it's not even deadly, it's hilarious - it's not nicknamed the Tuesday Trots for nothing. Sure, it's annoying, gross and dirty, sometimes it's your head stuck in the toilet instead of your derrier, and it takes several days to fully recover. But let's face it, chances are, if you've had a bad case of bathroom rings on your behind, it's because larvae got into your system for a variety of reasons and unless you're already seriously sick, you're not going to suddenly croak bile on your floor or sprout insect wings or explode into thousands of baby bloatflies. None of that happens. Ever. In fact more people died from the acid rain last week - no, it's never too soon for that kind of comparison - than die from anything larvae-induced in a year. Hell, larvae are a great way to unplug a colon. Just ask my neighbor.
Of course, far be it from me to disparage the anonymous, unfortunate Mutant for doing their best for our city, bless 'em. Whoever they are, their heart seems to be in the right place, and I bet they will make a little bit of extra money from people who buy their medication over the counter and need immediate relief. And hey, maybe I'm wrong, maybe their clinic will be a step in the right direction towards a better, streamlined health care with a variety of choices for everyone. But right now, it's still a loss. Did we have to attach something so innocuous like bloflistone to the clinic's existence? Did this Mutant really have to sell out this kind of blithe discovery which, while not exactly the discovery of the century, could give them a leg up in financing an independent practice, for the unenviable chance to work for the Hos' unscrupulous and unlikeable board of directors who will steal every one of their research ideas? (Seriously, if you've ever met these codgers, you'd understand and agree.) And how long is it going to be before we see the paranoid posters about the scary dangers of the 48-hour diahrrea of doom trademarked by the Hos? Remember last year's fashionable disease of death that they were touting, radroach rash? How many people died of it? Zero. Yet we had to spend millions to get vaccinated and the board got a pay raise! Meanwhile the Hos hasn't added any new beds to house patients in their ICU unit in five years. And don't even get me started on the maternity ward 'deal' these suits made with you-know-who.
Hos, wake up. The way you're treating your doctors and shilling and milking their work is deplorable, and tricking patients to the point of paranoia, regardless of how insignificant the situation is, while ignoring real problems with our medical system, is absolutely unacceptable. It is, to put it bluntly, a load of s***.