My completely inaccurate review of Cowboys & Aliens.
Daniel Craig wakes up in the desert and gets attacked by bandits. He zaps them with a handy space bracelet thinger he has on his wrist, and takes their boots and pants and heads for freedom. Instead he winds up in Scotland or something, because before he can do anything The Kergan is there pointing a rifle at him.
The Kergan helps Daniel Craig remember that he is in fact, James Bond. But Bond can't remember this hot Mexican chick he used to like.
Indiana Jones shows up because Bond spent at least 15 minutes smashing Indy's kid into paste. Indy is not cool with this, even though his son does appear to be mentally retarded. And it's definitely not Short Round.
The girl from Tron shows up but not in her skin-tight Tron-suit. Instead she's got a long dress and a gun. Interestingly, this makes her even hotter than when she's on the Grid.
Bond says we're doing things his way. Indy says no we're not because I'm also Han Solo, maybe you've heard of me. Also, I'm the big cheese around these parts, so eat it.
So Bond punches Indiana Jones in the face, but Indy doesn't even flinch. He's like, "You take Tron girl and get her all killed and naked. Then we'll talk about how cool you think you are, kid."
So James Bond does the smart thing and listens to Indy, because when Indy is also Han Solo and rides a horse with a knife and a rifle, you know you are not at the top of the food chain. Not even close. The Indian tracker dude knew this, and this is why he was better than Indy's retarded son.
So alien monkeys with chest cavity arms are mining gold from us. James Bond and Quorra come up with pretty much the same attack plan as the one that the lizard from Rango did, and bust into the alien mine shaft. Indians use War Clubs to beat the unholy hell out of some aliens outside, and the cowboys that don't get a hole the size of a frisbee shot through them help too.
So Quorra is a shape-shifter, but you never get to see her true form. This is fine, because her disguise form happens to be Olivia Wilde. So she grabs the space bracelet that's on Bond's arm and runs to the center of the mine shaft ship and keeps being all hot until she puts the bracelet on 'F&%K YOU ALIEN SCUM!' setting and blows the whole ship apart. She's probably really dead this time, but it's cool because so are all the aliens, and everyone still living who had someone abducted by aliens gets them back.
Indiana Jones even gets his retarded son back. So I guess that's a win for him too. Kind of.
The Kergan helps Daniel Craig remember that he is in fact, James Bond. But Bond can't remember this hot Mexican chick he used to like.
Indiana Jones shows up because Bond spent at least 15 minutes smashing Indy's kid into paste. Indy is not cool with this, even though his son does appear to be mentally retarded. And it's definitely not Short Round.
The girl from Tron shows up but not in her skin-tight Tron-suit. Instead she's got a long dress and a gun. Interestingly, this makes her even hotter than when she's on the Grid.
Bond says we're doing things his way. Indy says no we're not because I'm also Han Solo, maybe you've heard of me. Also, I'm the big cheese around these parts, so eat it.
So Bond punches Indiana Jones in the face, but Indy doesn't even flinch. He's like, "You take Tron girl and get her all killed and naked. Then we'll talk about how cool you think you are, kid."
So James Bond does the smart thing and listens to Indy, because when Indy is also Han Solo and rides a horse with a knife and a rifle, you know you are not at the top of the food chain. Not even close. The Indian tracker dude knew this, and this is why he was better than Indy's retarded son.
So alien monkeys with chest cavity arms are mining gold from us. James Bond and Quorra come up with pretty much the same attack plan as the one that the lizard from Rango did, and bust into the alien mine shaft. Indians use War Clubs to beat the unholy hell out of some aliens outside, and the cowboys that don't get a hole the size of a frisbee shot through them help too.
So Quorra is a shape-shifter, but you never get to see her true form. This is fine, because her disguise form happens to be Olivia Wilde. So she grabs the space bracelet that's on Bond's arm and runs to the center of the mine shaft ship and keeps being all hot until she puts the bracelet on 'F&%K YOU ALIEN SCUM!' setting and blows the whole ship apart. She's probably really dead this time, but it's cool because so are all the aliens, and everyone still living who had someone abducted by aliens gets them back.
Indiana Jones even gets his retarded son back. So I guess that's a win for him too. Kind of.