Emo boy...complete
My internet is working for a small amount of time and I really need to get all sorts of emotions off my chest. I've had the entire day to myself, an entire day to think. Thinking is a horrible thing to do and I suggest it to no one. It's caused things from my past. Severe Depression, all I've been able to do is cry but I have no one to cry too. does the one person who I care about want to listen to me? No I mean why would she? Can I talk to any of my friends? Of course not, who calls me? I have Tyler and Michael, both are asleep...both are gone. I'm alone, I'm here by myself. Not to go emo or angst on anyone but honestly lately i just want to curl up and die. There's nothing on this world for me. The person I love isn't even here. Why would she be here with someone like me? blarg nevermind self pity sucks. *sighs* God damn life, karma, everything is downhill now. I feel the urge to cut..I want to slice myself so bad right now and do you know how long it's been since I've had that feeling? I honestly want to beat myself for it. and no it's not just Dericka...of course she has something to do with my depression. I'm like a child, I crave attention and lately she just has other things on her mind, things other then me and that eats me up. I love her, and I don't toss around that word. I don't take it lightly. I'm just hoping she is the same with me. Space apart from us always seems to tear her away from me. She's always so distant(not literally).*breathes* that's about all I can keep doing lately. I wish I lived in my own world of fiction. I wish I was always pampered and cared for, I wish everything was beautiful and perfect, I wish life was perfect. It's the minor flaws I take for granted but honestly I don't even want those minor flaws. I want a world of fiction, my own world. I never want to have to shed another tear, Fear shouldn't consume me, I want to be happy. That's all I ask in this life and god damn it I can't even pull that one off. It's a complicated task that I can't seem to figure out. Music doesn't make me happy anymore, it makes me even more depressed. Makes me realize my life, nothing can cheer me up. All I can do is cry and tears share no meaning. There's only so long I can cry until I dry up like a lake...then all I can do is just curl up in my ball and stare at my ceiling. Things aren't any easier now that I can't sleep, I can't go off into my own world inside my mind. That's where I want to live, things are always fine inside of my mind. Now I'm stuck here, getting no sleep, no rest, No joy...fuck you world. Fuck you. At times I wish there was a god just so he could strike me the fuck dead. I'm back to not realizing why I even wake up when I sleep. What do I wake up for? Most of the time I wake up and then throughout the day I can't wait to go back to sleep. I hate people, I hate my house, I hate this world and I hate myself...wtf is wrong with me? Why can't I ever be happy, I try...I really do try but I just can't pull it off. There's always something nagging in the back of brain telling me and feeding me all my insecurities. Most of the time there's no reason why i'm depressed, I just am. I blame it on the placement of the planets...I have to accuse someone. I just really needed to get out my feelings of loneliness. This feeling of having no one there and recently I honestly haven't had anyone here for me. I'm trying to jump over hurdles by myself and fuck I've realized I can't do it. I'm dependant. god damn it, the one thing I'm against I am. I wish I were strong, I want to do things for myself but of course fuck I can't even do that. I have to sink into a self loathing, self pity pit. I can't take people, I can't take life much longer. It's angers me, it annoys me and it brings me down. I can't understand how other people can be so happy, but then I realize I just don't allow myself to be happy. I just can't find the release to make myself happy. That's all I ask for. Bliss is what I beg for.