Mirror Mirror
I had a realization this morning. I think it may be a negative thing, but I don't care.
I realized that how I look directly affects how I feel inside. I guess on the surface, that seems rather logical, but I think it maybe affects me too much.
Lately I've been feeling extremely unattractive. It has to do with a combination of things, the main thing being that I HATE the haircut that Derek gave me (love Derek, hate the cut). I think it's too short, I can't get it to look right, and it desperately needs color. Then, to make matters worse, when I came home from the fireworks I lost one of my contacts, so now I'm out of those too. Now I'm stuck with shitty shaggy hair and glasses. And I had NO professional clothing and no money when I got my job, so my Mom gave me $100 for graduation to buy work clothes, and all I got was 2 pairs of pants and 3 shirts, so I'm stuck rotating those with some of Priscilla's things to make outfits work. They usually come out okay, but I just don't feel like me.
Okay, so if I don't sound enough like a whiny Beverly Hills brat, this really affects my day-to-day life. I realized yesterday that I've been at my job for 3 weeks, and I'm not getting to know any of my co-workers. This is abnormal for me, I'm chummy outgoing Leo, and I always make fast friends. But because I don't feel right about the way I look, I hide in my cube all day. I think my root for all of this is that I had no money growing up; I never had nice clothes, or the cool sneakers, until I was old enough to buy them myself. To make matters worse, I was a tomboy (big surprise). I didn't "do" my hair or wear girly cothes like all the cooler girls.I was too busy building forts in the back yard out of my dad's left-over plywood. Later in life, I found a mirror; and I was with a person for 2 1/2 years who put major emphasis on how I/we looked. We were always the best dressed everywhere we went and we trashed everybody else who wasn't. It was a fucked up way to live, but it's threaded deep in me now. I have changed a lot; there are times when I don't care. I go to the grocery store unshowered, and I don't usually care how I look around people I know, but sometimes, it just matters.
I have been told by a certain 'give it to you straight' someone, that I am shallow and vain and narcissistic (in so many words). Also, that I'm ungrateful and take for granted all the things in this world I do have. And that maybe true, but it still sucks to feel this way inside, and I wish somebody could understand the way I feel without criticizing me for it.
Scrabble word of the day: Philodox
I realized that how I look directly affects how I feel inside. I guess on the surface, that seems rather logical, but I think it maybe affects me too much.
Lately I've been feeling extremely unattractive. It has to do with a combination of things, the main thing being that I HATE the haircut that Derek gave me (love Derek, hate the cut). I think it's too short, I can't get it to look right, and it desperately needs color. Then, to make matters worse, when I came home from the fireworks I lost one of my contacts, so now I'm out of those too. Now I'm stuck with shitty shaggy hair and glasses. And I had NO professional clothing and no money when I got my job, so my Mom gave me $100 for graduation to buy work clothes, and all I got was 2 pairs of pants and 3 shirts, so I'm stuck rotating those with some of Priscilla's things to make outfits work. They usually come out okay, but I just don't feel like me.
Okay, so if I don't sound enough like a whiny Beverly Hills brat, this really affects my day-to-day life. I realized yesterday that I've been at my job for 3 weeks, and I'm not getting to know any of my co-workers. This is abnormal for me, I'm chummy outgoing Leo, and I always make fast friends. But because I don't feel right about the way I look, I hide in my cube all day. I think my root for all of this is that I had no money growing up; I never had nice clothes, or the cool sneakers, until I was old enough to buy them myself. To make matters worse, I was a tomboy (big surprise). I didn't "do" my hair or wear girly cothes like all the cooler girls.I was too busy building forts in the back yard out of my dad's left-over plywood. Later in life, I found a mirror; and I was with a person for 2 1/2 years who put major emphasis on how I/we looked. We were always the best dressed everywhere we went and we trashed everybody else who wasn't. It was a fucked up way to live, but it's threaded deep in me now. I have changed a lot; there are times when I don't care. I go to the grocery store unshowered, and I don't usually care how I look around people I know, but sometimes, it just matters.
I have been told by a certain 'give it to you straight' someone, that I am shallow and vain and narcissistic (in so many words). Also, that I'm ungrateful and take for granted all the things in this world I do have. And that maybe true, but it still sucks to feel this way inside, and I wish somebody could understand the way I feel without criticizing me for it.
Scrabble word of the day: Philodox