Feeling pulled apart by horses.
I'm at a loss. I just stumbled hard upon an obstacle in life that doesn't feel as if it will get any better in the foreseeable future. As exhausted as i've been the last month, i've made dire mistakes, mistakes that have rightfully let down the people closest to me. It began with my medication. My mother, caretaker and self-appointed possessor of my pain medication amount for each month, takes it upon herself to hide the medication in the house from me. So far, almost each and every time i've found them. Only about twice have I ever abused my pills to the point where i've been left short at the end of the month. This month has been tight in particular, not because of my usage of the pain medication, but a mistake on the part of the doctor at the clinic I go to. Due to the increase of pain within my right outer thigh, i've been given a stronger dose of pain medication. Oddly, the pill itself is smaller than the extra-strength Vicodin i've been taking for the past two years, but it does the job. Nevertheless, there is a part of me that cannot stand not having complete access to my pills, which is part of what's driven me to search for them when hidden. An addict would find the pills and abuse them heavily, I do not. I rarely ever take more than 4 a day (which is my prescribed amount), however, my pill box is only allotted 3 a day. Depending on the day, I can either be well off on simply taking 3, or the aches and pains I feel within my joints drive me to want to take 4 (again, my prescribed amount). I will say, there are times when if busied and having my mind taken off of the pain, I can push on and only take 2 a day. Getting down to the point of all of this, I told my mother twice now that I would not go looking for the medication, yet i've gone and done it. I hate the way my mother reacts if I take 4 a day, because it ends with my pill box being ahead, which of course looks bad. I can understand the way my mother feels, how can she trust me if I go against my word? However, I feel, and I know that I can not go looking for the pills. It almost feels like an OCD symptom of mine, just knowing that they're hidden drives me to want to find them, but because of this, it's disappointed my mother and caused a rift of trust problems within the household. In my mothers words; "actions speak louder than words." So, no more will I go looking for them. However long it will take, I will re-establish that trust. I must, otherwise going against my word makes me not a very good person, I can't allow that to go on. I know i'm better than that, I know i'm a better person than that.
I've been resting the past few hours, seems as though i've been sleeping the month away. An incident occurred, not long ago, that expelled seemingly every iota of strength left in my emotions. I've not recovered from this, and it's now been a month. Every single day I go throughout the day hazily, every physical task making me feel more and more dreary. My spent emotions, combined with the physical pain i've been going through, have sapped every bit of strength left in me. No one around me is healthy, or in a good place right now. My mother is embittered, even without the situation with my medication. She rarely ever leaves the house nowadays, due to her ongoing agoraphobia, and it's left her a reflection of how i've felt the past month: always tired, burying herself into work she barely still feels passion for, just enough to get her through the day until she's tired enough to sleep, and that is her day. I no longer know what to say to her, what to do to improve her situation and mood other than putting on a movie. That's one thing my mother and I have always bonded on, watching movies together. There are times I know just when to say the right thing at the right time, and she genuinely laughs. Otherwise? My mother puts on a front, to her friends online on the message boards, aside from now a few she's distanced herself from, she pretends to be normal, happy, using an abundance of exclamation points and even smiley faces. My mother lies, but I don't speak anything of it, I figure it's not my place. It just makes me wonder; when was the last time my mother was honestly happy? Enough that she could talk to a person without putting up a front and be honest, genuine. I couldn't begin to think of the last time. Not to say that I blame my mother for not wanting to interact with neighbors, they're all up to no good, in their own way. I suppose the more things change the more they stay the same, as Snake Plissken would say.
On to the next part of the obstacle that i've hit like a Mack truck; i've failed to utilize responsibility in a very serious way. I knew it was wrong, she knew it was wrong, and still, it didn't change a thing. I would slam my head full force into the desk if it would drive home that which has eluded me; common sense. And to think, I gave out advice to people I knew as if I had a leg to stand on, well as of now, i've no room to talk. I don't know why I thought that I could control it, I can't even control the blood from hemorrhaging beneath my skin, and I convinced myself that somehow I could control the outcome? Silly old bear. I vow never again to allow myself to act that stupid, or careless. All I can say here is that i'm sorry. For a guy that's looked up to someone like Captain America, I did the exact opposite of what I should have known, or done. It caused someone I care for and love very much to go through a lot of pain. That's the second person closest in my life i've let down. All in the same month, September of 2010. How do I begin to make it up to either of the ones I love if I can't even find it in me to drag myself out of bed? I don't know what to do, I don't know what i'll do, but i'll do it, if that makes any sense (it doesn't). No more lying, no more carelessness. Courage, honor, loyalty, sacrifice.
I love you all. If I could turn back time, I would, in an instant, but I can't. I can only atone for my mistakes and ensure that they serve only as learning experiences.
Alas, now I bask in the subconsciousness of my slumber.
I've been resting the past few hours, seems as though i've been sleeping the month away. An incident occurred, not long ago, that expelled seemingly every iota of strength left in my emotions. I've not recovered from this, and it's now been a month. Every single day I go throughout the day hazily, every physical task making me feel more and more dreary. My spent emotions, combined with the physical pain i've been going through, have sapped every bit of strength left in me. No one around me is healthy, or in a good place right now. My mother is embittered, even without the situation with my medication. She rarely ever leaves the house nowadays, due to her ongoing agoraphobia, and it's left her a reflection of how i've felt the past month: always tired, burying herself into work she barely still feels passion for, just enough to get her through the day until she's tired enough to sleep, and that is her day. I no longer know what to say to her, what to do to improve her situation and mood other than putting on a movie. That's one thing my mother and I have always bonded on, watching movies together. There are times I know just when to say the right thing at the right time, and she genuinely laughs. Otherwise? My mother puts on a front, to her friends online on the message boards, aside from now a few she's distanced herself from, she pretends to be normal, happy, using an abundance of exclamation points and even smiley faces. My mother lies, but I don't speak anything of it, I figure it's not my place. It just makes me wonder; when was the last time my mother was honestly happy? Enough that she could talk to a person without putting up a front and be honest, genuine. I couldn't begin to think of the last time. Not to say that I blame my mother for not wanting to interact with neighbors, they're all up to no good, in their own way. I suppose the more things change the more they stay the same, as Snake Plissken would say.
On to the next part of the obstacle that i've hit like a Mack truck; i've failed to utilize responsibility in a very serious way. I knew it was wrong, she knew it was wrong, and still, it didn't change a thing. I would slam my head full force into the desk if it would drive home that which has eluded me; common sense. And to think, I gave out advice to people I knew as if I had a leg to stand on, well as of now, i've no room to talk. I don't know why I thought that I could control it, I can't even control the blood from hemorrhaging beneath my skin, and I convinced myself that somehow I could control the outcome? Silly old bear. I vow never again to allow myself to act that stupid, or careless. All I can say here is that i'm sorry. For a guy that's looked up to someone like Captain America, I did the exact opposite of what I should have known, or done. It caused someone I care for and love very much to go through a lot of pain. That's the second person closest in my life i've let down. All in the same month, September of 2010. How do I begin to make it up to either of the ones I love if I can't even find it in me to drag myself out of bed? I don't know what to do, I don't know what i'll do, but i'll do it, if that makes any sense (it doesn't). No more lying, no more carelessness. Courage, honor, loyalty, sacrifice.
I love you all. If I could turn back time, I would, in an instant, but I can't. I can only atone for my mistakes and ensure that they serve only as learning experiences.
Alas, now I bask in the subconsciousness of my slumber.