For what it's worth i've always admired you.
My recent departure to Dallas, Texas, was spurred by the decision to take a breath of fresh air and reflect on the goings on in my life. My sendoff wasn't particularly what I wished it to be, but such is life. David and I never really had the chance to bond like father and son, and at this point, I doubt we ever will. On the road with David, we took a pit stop at a gas station to refuel his truck and acquire something to drink, and just before we continued on our road trip, he reached over and patted me firmly on the chest, saying: "Now that you're an adult, anything that happens on this trip is between you and me, buddy." I hadn't a clue what my father meant at the time, and so I responded with a halfcocked smirk before averting my gaze to the window. David had then decided, on a whim, that we were to pay a visit to an old drinking buddy and childhood friend of his currently residing in Missouri. Awkward silences ensued as we conversed of movies and music, the same topics we spoke of prior to my attending high school, it was as if he attempted picking up the pieces of a relationship without paying mind to the falling out we had. Listening to the music my father had downloaded in his personal iPod and hooked up to the radio, looking out on the vast farming fields of Illinois as I did my very best not to dwell on bothersome thoughts of the angst in my life. Eventually, we reached the state of Missouri and crossed the Mississippi River (which was quite a sight), stopping within a sightseeing attraction whilst awaiting to rendezvous with David's drinking buddy. As both David and I sat upon the back of his truck, he inquired how my current relationship was fairing, to which I offhandedly shrugged and said it was basically all it could be at the time being. Dancing around the topic the best to my ability, I was saved by the fact that his drinking buddy soon pulled up nearby in a car with his son (few years older than me) riding passenger. At the mention of the relationship, I wasn't much in the mood to converse with anyone, and therefore I minded my tongue whilst we followed David's drinking buddy back to his residence, this would be the first leg of our trip.
My only interest had been the homestead, a beautiful location set upon a lake surrounded by tall trees of shade and hills. As we all gathered in the basement, it was then I understood what David had meant by wanting to keep what happened between us. Perched upon the stool of the bar, I blinked once as my father stood up and took from his bag a clear ziplock bag with a green herbal substance within. My jaw nearly dropped at the realization of what my father had, knowing that not only someone of his age had been sneaking around substance, but it was my own kin. Clutching a beer in one hand, I turned away and faced the television as the three of them spoke of the quality (or lack thereof) of the substance. Soon, David then took out a pack of rolling paper, which he then proceeded to make into a joint. As the joint was offered, I shook my head once sternly before keeping my attention to the television, minding my tongue by keeping my lips near to the rim of the beer can. I could smell the substance all around as the three smoked up and drank, soon turning on a Hooters beauty pageant. Some of the degrading comments they made actually managed to embarrass even me as I listened to the moronic laughter of lewd jokes that genuinely weren't very funny. To say I was glad for the night to be over was an understatement, and the only thought that kept me from feeling horribly depressed was, in fact, the thought of Rina. Not the time before my departure, but the thought of her smile when she laughed, thinking of when she was happy. Sighing heavily, I nodded once to the guys before I retreated to my room, collapsing upon the bed in my boxers while cupping both hands over my face, wondering what my life had come to. It wasn't so much the fact that my father offered me weed that brought me to feeling down, it was everything, the reasons why I left, the fear of being alone again and losing the only person i've cherished beyond comprehension, seeing my mother so vulnerable and knowing just how much she depends on my strength to keep her going. I don't remember the last time I felt that alone in the world.
Loneliness aside, there is always a new day, and so the next day we bid David's drinking buddy good-bye just before setting off once more--this time, Texas bound. Passing through the state of Arkansas, we drove through forests and paths as we witnessed small mountain-like regions ascending above the lean trees casting shadow over the road. My father then felt the need to offer advice regarding relationships and women. In a nutshell, my father feels that nothing should be taken seriously until you are much older, and that until then you should just flirt and sleep around (thanks dad). As i've stated before, hookups and whatnot are very much not my thing. I've had chances to do so at parties and people who have liked me, and although i'm not the guy looking to go out and marry, I do prefer commitment, just knowing you have someone and you always have that someone to go to, someone you have true feelings for with no question of integrity or fidelity. Nodding off as the sky became pitch black, the only lights from the highway with passing vehicles. I soon awoke just in time to see the city of Dallas at night, tall buildings and blazing lights, much like Chicago would look at night, but still different. As we finally arrived to the residence David shares with his girlfriend, I gave my mother a call to update her on everything before collapsing unto my own bed and slipping into sweet slumber, my first night in Texas.
Aside from the searing heat of direct sunlight, the weather really wasn't all that bad, nothing a dip in the pool couldn't help. After a few days spent getting settled in the house and going out to eat at dinky buffets, my father contacted an uncle of mine in Caldwell, Texas, apparently CO-owning a ranch with his brother-in-law. As I lounged back in the computer chair in front of my father's laptop, watching television just a few feet away in his office, suddenly I heard the doorbell ring. My suspicions of it being yet another drinking buddy of David's were confirmed when a stalky old man with the scraggliest looking graying beard i've ever laid eyes on came through the door, bellowing out a greeting with a Texan accent so heavy it croaked from his throat. Reaching out to take my hand in a firm shake, doing my very best not to show an incredulous look on my face as we greeted one another and were introduced. My father gathered a cooler of beer as the burly Texan man held my father's Pekingese dog in his lap. Then the three of us set out on a ride to my uncles ranch, a three hour trip which had me scrunched up behind their seats, sitting in the most pathetic excuse for a back seat i've ever seen. By the time we reached the ranch, my legs were sore and I had been starving for something to eat. My aunt graciously making me a salad and cooking up beef, meanwhile my father & company eagerly opened their first beer of the night without caring about eating. Soon after I joined them, and dusk then became night as we all drank and conversed. My uncle was noticeably drunk when he began making jabs at the burly Texan for his heavy accent and scraggly appearance. As they all then wandered, I listened to the industrial rock blaring from the speakers outside while I made way to the pool-side and leaned my back against a thick beam, clad in just swimming trunks with a half-filled beer held in one hand. In that moment, my gaze ascended to rest upon the most beautiful sky I had seen in a very long time. It was completely star-studded, not a cloud in the sky blocking the view of all the pristine glints sparkling there like fine jewelry. I think the last time I saw a sky that beautiful was in the company of my comrade and Rich, when we were in the middle of a cornfield and I looked up at the sky. As I gazed upon the Texan sky, I actually wished I could have spent that moment with her, looking up at it and just being with her, but those thoughts quickly dissipated into feelings of depression and sadness. Inhaling a deep breath, my uncle soon swaggered on over to me, standing before me whilst crossing his arms over his chest in a pseudo tough-guy pose. I cracked a grin while my eyes lowered from the sky to my uncle, who then inquired what it is I wanted to do. "I'm going to be a writer." I said, which he seemed to approve of even while staring at me with an eye drunkenly half open. Taking a brief dip in the pool, I managed to lose my sterling silver insignia ring while playing volley ball (son of a bitch). I may have lost that, however my uncle did give me graduation money (even though I graduated years ago). I fell asleep still in my swimming trunks, having dried off and collapsed unto a spare bed, and the next thing I knew, it was morning. After getting to see some of the land my uncle owned and the goats he took care of, we bid my uncle good-bye and set off on a three hour ride back to my father's residence. I hadn't the foggiest then how horribly sunburned I would be. Just the next day, I took one of the most painful showers that I can remember, the sprinkles of water feeling like needles stinging my sunburned shoulders and chest. For a few days, I watched television, checked everything on a laptop and went out to see a few movies, otherwise my father simply ate and slept (which is seemingly all he does during the day). Eventually, it came time for me to go home.
Hastily packing my bag and making up the spare bed I had slept in, I considered snatching a tiny bottle of Calvin Klein One in the bathroom, but decided against it (even though it smells sexy on me). My father then drove me to the Dallas train station, purchasing a one way Amtrak ticket to Chicago. Due to a heat-wave, the train was forced to run at minimal speed, which meant a half-hour delay before my train would arrive. My father sat beside me on a wooden bench as I twiddled my thumbs, glancing once to a girl that had sat on a bench just nearby me (noting her occasional glance with peripheral vision). It was a time when if there were any emotion between my father and I, it would come out, but there was none. After maybe five minutes of sitting there in silence, my father stood up in front of me, and as I stood up, we embraced in an awkward hug, he patting me firmly on the back before telling one another to take care and how we had a good time. As my father then began walking away, I took my seat once more upon the bench, blinking as my father turned and suddenly called out to me, looking over as he said: "Love you, man." It was pathetic, but I then offered a grin and nodded, waving back before he left the train station, and then my father was gone. Clutching in my hands a book I had found for Rina as a gift, I waited for my train to arrive. When they gave the announcement that the train arrived, suddenly I came to the realization that I had no idea where to go to find the train (nor had I been told). Looking very confused, I took my bag and made way to the front desk, the girl that had sat nearby seeming just as confused as she stuck by my side. Quietly, we both went down a walkway while she continuously uttered under her breath "hell nah," and "you think this the way?" I snickered and glanced over my shoulder as I shrugged and reassured her it was probably close. Eventually, we simply followed the crowd and found the track for the Amtrak.
I went from being comfortably settled in a window seat to being moved twice, finally to an inside seat next to an old talkative English teacher. "I'm going to wiggle around for a while, hope you don't mind if I do." Just before he started shifting around in his seat, me deadpan as could be as I stared straight forward at the seat with unblinking eyes, finally sighing under my breath before looking down at the novel in my hands. What, indeed, had my life come to? Being in love with someone you're not even sure wants to be with you, problems on both sides of the family, waiting for a job, and still on hiatus from schooling. I made the mistake of putting the faith in my confidence to better myself on something that wasn't even on steady ground. Where were the answers to my woes, the sign that no matter what happens, the path I choose is worth the hardship. I feel so faithless as of late, as if no matter how hard I try, I always say or do the wrong thing. Am I really that annoying to you, now? Do I make anyone happy like I did before? I honestly do feel the loneliest i've felt in a long time, and I realize the only right thing I can do is to just be myself, to not try and please everyone all the time, because it never works. Is me being a 'nice guy' bullshit? No, I was raised to be kind and heartfelt, and fuck you to anyone wanting otherwise. Do I have a meanstreak? Yeah, in fact, very, very few people have ever seen me genuinely pissed off. I don't like hurting anyone, but that doesn't mean I can't. Unable to sleep, not wanting to read, hungry, thirsty, and going over all of those complaints in my head, my train ride was turning out to be less than satisfactory. On top of it all, a George Hamilton-looking Mexican stole my damned blanket when I wasn't aware. I should have beat him over the head with his own damn girlfriend's laptop. My first attempt at sleeping in my seat ended horrifically, once opening my eyes groggily to the sight of a huge kid's ass right there in front of my face, his back turned to me while he was checking his bag up in the top compartment. Jerking backwards, I scowled and clenched my teeth, drumming my fingertips in annoyance against my lap, before settling back down and managing to get an hours worth of sleep. When I awoke, I halfheartedly conversed with the old English teacher (who seemed to want to talk with every single passenger on the train), then he and an older black woman ended up getting into a discussion about how we as humans are exhausting fossil fuels and how our world is collapsing. It took two whole days, but finally the Amtrak train arrived in Chicago, and I took a Metra train home, thus ending the Odyssey (or Mikyssey).
I'm sick and tired of meddling people coming to me and talking about my relationships like they know more about them than I do. Don't bother trying to tell me things you don't have any fucking idea about. So, aheh, don't mind the gargantuan entry, I had a lot to say.
Bound To Happen is the most depressing song. ever.
Alas, now I bask in the subconsciousness of my slumber.
My only interest had been the homestead, a beautiful location set upon a lake surrounded by tall trees of shade and hills. As we all gathered in the basement, it was then I understood what David had meant by wanting to keep what happened between us. Perched upon the stool of the bar, I blinked once as my father stood up and took from his bag a clear ziplock bag with a green herbal substance within. My jaw nearly dropped at the realization of what my father had, knowing that not only someone of his age had been sneaking around substance, but it was my own kin. Clutching a beer in one hand, I turned away and faced the television as the three of them spoke of the quality (or lack thereof) of the substance. Soon, David then took out a pack of rolling paper, which he then proceeded to make into a joint. As the joint was offered, I shook my head once sternly before keeping my attention to the television, minding my tongue by keeping my lips near to the rim of the beer can. I could smell the substance all around as the three smoked up and drank, soon turning on a Hooters beauty pageant. Some of the degrading comments they made actually managed to embarrass even me as I listened to the moronic laughter of lewd jokes that genuinely weren't very funny. To say I was glad for the night to be over was an understatement, and the only thought that kept me from feeling horribly depressed was, in fact, the thought of Rina. Not the time before my departure, but the thought of her smile when she laughed, thinking of when she was happy. Sighing heavily, I nodded once to the guys before I retreated to my room, collapsing upon the bed in my boxers while cupping both hands over my face, wondering what my life had come to. It wasn't so much the fact that my father offered me weed that brought me to feeling down, it was everything, the reasons why I left, the fear of being alone again and losing the only person i've cherished beyond comprehension, seeing my mother so vulnerable and knowing just how much she depends on my strength to keep her going. I don't remember the last time I felt that alone in the world.
Loneliness aside, there is always a new day, and so the next day we bid David's drinking buddy good-bye just before setting off once more--this time, Texas bound. Passing through the state of Arkansas, we drove through forests and paths as we witnessed small mountain-like regions ascending above the lean trees casting shadow over the road. My father then felt the need to offer advice regarding relationships and women. In a nutshell, my father feels that nothing should be taken seriously until you are much older, and that until then you should just flirt and sleep around (thanks dad). As i've stated before, hookups and whatnot are very much not my thing. I've had chances to do so at parties and people who have liked me, and although i'm not the guy looking to go out and marry, I do prefer commitment, just knowing you have someone and you always have that someone to go to, someone you have true feelings for with no question of integrity or fidelity. Nodding off as the sky became pitch black, the only lights from the highway with passing vehicles. I soon awoke just in time to see the city of Dallas at night, tall buildings and blazing lights, much like Chicago would look at night, but still different. As we finally arrived to the residence David shares with his girlfriend, I gave my mother a call to update her on everything before collapsing unto my own bed and slipping into sweet slumber, my first night in Texas.
Aside from the searing heat of direct sunlight, the weather really wasn't all that bad, nothing a dip in the pool couldn't help. After a few days spent getting settled in the house and going out to eat at dinky buffets, my father contacted an uncle of mine in Caldwell, Texas, apparently CO-owning a ranch with his brother-in-law. As I lounged back in the computer chair in front of my father's laptop, watching television just a few feet away in his office, suddenly I heard the doorbell ring. My suspicions of it being yet another drinking buddy of David's were confirmed when a stalky old man with the scraggliest looking graying beard i've ever laid eyes on came through the door, bellowing out a greeting with a Texan accent so heavy it croaked from his throat. Reaching out to take my hand in a firm shake, doing my very best not to show an incredulous look on my face as we greeted one another and were introduced. My father gathered a cooler of beer as the burly Texan man held my father's Pekingese dog in his lap. Then the three of us set out on a ride to my uncles ranch, a three hour trip which had me scrunched up behind their seats, sitting in the most pathetic excuse for a back seat i've ever seen. By the time we reached the ranch, my legs were sore and I had been starving for something to eat. My aunt graciously making me a salad and cooking up beef, meanwhile my father & company eagerly opened their first beer of the night without caring about eating. Soon after I joined them, and dusk then became night as we all drank and conversed. My uncle was noticeably drunk when he began making jabs at the burly Texan for his heavy accent and scraggly appearance. As they all then wandered, I listened to the industrial rock blaring from the speakers outside while I made way to the pool-side and leaned my back against a thick beam, clad in just swimming trunks with a half-filled beer held in one hand. In that moment, my gaze ascended to rest upon the most beautiful sky I had seen in a very long time. It was completely star-studded, not a cloud in the sky blocking the view of all the pristine glints sparkling there like fine jewelry. I think the last time I saw a sky that beautiful was in the company of my comrade and Rich, when we were in the middle of a cornfield and I looked up at the sky. As I gazed upon the Texan sky, I actually wished I could have spent that moment with her, looking up at it and just being with her, but those thoughts quickly dissipated into feelings of depression and sadness. Inhaling a deep breath, my uncle soon swaggered on over to me, standing before me whilst crossing his arms over his chest in a pseudo tough-guy pose. I cracked a grin while my eyes lowered from the sky to my uncle, who then inquired what it is I wanted to do. "I'm going to be a writer." I said, which he seemed to approve of even while staring at me with an eye drunkenly half open. Taking a brief dip in the pool, I managed to lose my sterling silver insignia ring while playing volley ball (son of a bitch). I may have lost that, however my uncle did give me graduation money (even though I graduated years ago). I fell asleep still in my swimming trunks, having dried off and collapsed unto a spare bed, and the next thing I knew, it was morning. After getting to see some of the land my uncle owned and the goats he took care of, we bid my uncle good-bye and set off on a three hour ride back to my father's residence. I hadn't the foggiest then how horribly sunburned I would be. Just the next day, I took one of the most painful showers that I can remember, the sprinkles of water feeling like needles stinging my sunburned shoulders and chest. For a few days, I watched television, checked everything on a laptop and went out to see a few movies, otherwise my father simply ate and slept (which is seemingly all he does during the day). Eventually, it came time for me to go home.
Hastily packing my bag and making up the spare bed I had slept in, I considered snatching a tiny bottle of Calvin Klein One in the bathroom, but decided against it (even though it smells sexy on me). My father then drove me to the Dallas train station, purchasing a one way Amtrak ticket to Chicago. Due to a heat-wave, the train was forced to run at minimal speed, which meant a half-hour delay before my train would arrive. My father sat beside me on a wooden bench as I twiddled my thumbs, glancing once to a girl that had sat on a bench just nearby me (noting her occasional glance with peripheral vision). It was a time when if there were any emotion between my father and I, it would come out, but there was none. After maybe five minutes of sitting there in silence, my father stood up in front of me, and as I stood up, we embraced in an awkward hug, he patting me firmly on the back before telling one another to take care and how we had a good time. As my father then began walking away, I took my seat once more upon the bench, blinking as my father turned and suddenly called out to me, looking over as he said: "Love you, man." It was pathetic, but I then offered a grin and nodded, waving back before he left the train station, and then my father was gone. Clutching in my hands a book I had found for Rina as a gift, I waited for my train to arrive. When they gave the announcement that the train arrived, suddenly I came to the realization that I had no idea where to go to find the train (nor had I been told). Looking very confused, I took my bag and made way to the front desk, the girl that had sat nearby seeming just as confused as she stuck by my side. Quietly, we both went down a walkway while she continuously uttered under her breath "hell nah," and "you think this the way?" I snickered and glanced over my shoulder as I shrugged and reassured her it was probably close. Eventually, we simply followed the crowd and found the track for the Amtrak.
I went from being comfortably settled in a window seat to being moved twice, finally to an inside seat next to an old talkative English teacher. "I'm going to wiggle around for a while, hope you don't mind if I do." Just before he started shifting around in his seat, me deadpan as could be as I stared straight forward at the seat with unblinking eyes, finally sighing under my breath before looking down at the novel in my hands. What, indeed, had my life come to? Being in love with someone you're not even sure wants to be with you, problems on both sides of the family, waiting for a job, and still on hiatus from schooling. I made the mistake of putting the faith in my confidence to better myself on something that wasn't even on steady ground. Where were the answers to my woes, the sign that no matter what happens, the path I choose is worth the hardship. I feel so faithless as of late, as if no matter how hard I try, I always say or do the wrong thing. Am I really that annoying to you, now? Do I make anyone happy like I did before? I honestly do feel the loneliest i've felt in a long time, and I realize the only right thing I can do is to just be myself, to not try and please everyone all the time, because it never works. Is me being a 'nice guy' bullshit? No, I was raised to be kind and heartfelt, and fuck you to anyone wanting otherwise. Do I have a meanstreak? Yeah, in fact, very, very few people have ever seen me genuinely pissed off. I don't like hurting anyone, but that doesn't mean I can't. Unable to sleep, not wanting to read, hungry, thirsty, and going over all of those complaints in my head, my train ride was turning out to be less than satisfactory. On top of it all, a George Hamilton-looking Mexican stole my damned blanket when I wasn't aware. I should have beat him over the head with his own damn girlfriend's laptop. My first attempt at sleeping in my seat ended horrifically, once opening my eyes groggily to the sight of a huge kid's ass right there in front of my face, his back turned to me while he was checking his bag up in the top compartment. Jerking backwards, I scowled and clenched my teeth, drumming my fingertips in annoyance against my lap, before settling back down and managing to get an hours worth of sleep. When I awoke, I halfheartedly conversed with the old English teacher (who seemed to want to talk with every single passenger on the train), then he and an older black woman ended up getting into a discussion about how we as humans are exhausting fossil fuels and how our world is collapsing. It took two whole days, but finally the Amtrak train arrived in Chicago, and I took a Metra train home, thus ending the Odyssey (or Mikyssey).
I'm sick and tired of meddling people coming to me and talking about my relationships like they know more about them than I do. Don't bother trying to tell me things you don't have any fucking idea about. So, aheh, don't mind the gargantuan entry, I had a lot to say.
Bound To Happen is the most depressing song. ever.
Alas, now I bask in the subconsciousness of my slumber.