Temporarily pacify this hunger that's so cruel.
By no means is the aspect of love simple, nor the meaning of it. So easily could I delve into a slump of self-pity over the happenings of a rather upsetting occurrence earlier in the evening involving my ex, however i've begun to loathe mostly writing my expressions of angst, especially when there's far more to me as a person than stereotypical hormonal strife. In summation, the occurrence involved unhealthy emotional attachment. Unfortunately, the ending of most relationships are painful, and require detachment. I've never been quite keen on detaching myself from those I care for unless i've convinced myself they've wronged me beyond recognition, or simply thinking the decision would be best. Momentarily I ponder how people can so easily reject others and claim they simply wish to be friends while knowing how painful that is to hear, although I suppose i've felt that way regarding a few girls in the past, a thought which is troubling to the conscience. Rejection may be part of life, but I find it interesting that for one who isn't used to being rejected, not knowing how to cope with it can feel absolutely horrible, however for one who is used to rejection, they become dissuaded, discouraged from even trying. I suppose a healthy balance of rejection is the perfect way to learn to accept it, nevertheless, it sucks horrible shit. Regardless of how bright and lighthearted I may seem face-to-face, as aforementioned, my faith in love and the meaning of it is diminishing. It's interesting.. when you're distressed, you feel as though no one else in the world could possibly understand or empathize, when in reality, there is always someone in the world worse off than you, or who has been through more than you will ever go through. In a way, maybe one finds comfort in believing no one else has experienced what they've gone through, mayhaps it alleviates the burden, however i'm not quite sure how or why. I'm sick of just being a friend.. i'm sick of secrets.. I think the last time I felt as if everything was carefree and normal in a relationship was with Kris, and that was a very long time ago. I suck horrifically at relationships. I'm going to end up being like Obi-Wan Kenobi and be a virgin forever but rock at life, since Jedi can't have sex ever.. i'd probably be the bitterest Jedi in the whole damn series because of the whole no sex pact.
As bewildering as it sounds, I just went from feeling horribly depressed to slightly humored. I'm so bipolar. Recently I managed to register at the nearby community college without giving them my transcript, which should be an impossibility, however I am an enigma, so I somehow manage to accomplish improbable feats. I'm not quite sure how everything is going to unravel regarding college, nothing is yet certain, hopefully everything turns out in my favor. To be honest, i'm not even quite sure what it is I wish to pursue as a career. Journalism is all well and good, but quite a competitive field. If anything, i'd most likely consider writing editorials, or articles in a magazine or paper. Afterwards, mayhaps something along the lines of freelance, writing stories and novels and whatnot. I've also considered becoming a counselor in the past, the sort of guidance counselor at schools. Counselors don't delve quite as deep into the psyche as therapists or psychiatrists do, but they still help people find their way. Sidetracking for a moment, since my mind is going in all directions at once, I honestly wish I knew the reason why love is such an extreme factor in my mind. Perhaps since i'm getting older, i'm clinging to the ideal of young love, the sort of casual innocence you can afford before things become more serious, more mature. Although i'm still quite stern on the belief that my first time should be with another virgin, which may also be one of the reasons why i'm attracted to the prospect of young love, a significant other with as much experience as I. All I know for certain is this is all wearing me down, I simply wish I knew if i'm to find someone soon like my expectations, or to have more patience, which I absolutely loathe. Alas, patience is a virtue, and I suppose i'll respect that.. for now.
Recently i've had to provide an abundance of emotional support for my mother, to act as an emotional crutch during trying times. When she lost control of her temperament, I sat with my head hung low as she vehemently spat her disgust of me as a person, until eventually I stood up and glared at her in silence, allowing only a moment of emotion before I left. I don't hold what she said against her, but nonetheless, it pained hearing it. I've tried my damnedest to keep faith in myself, however I feel as though this is the last straw. I'm not only sick of the lack of strength of those around me, i'm sick of those always seeking solace in me when I feel as though I have nothing to offer. I absolutely love listening to those I care for when they're troubled or in need of guidance, and I pride myself on my penchant for giving advice, however, i've noticed how self-conceited some can be by simply listening to them. One can always tell how self-centered another is by how they react when you listen for a while, then attempt to integrate something involving yourself, they either acknowledge or ignore it and go on. Part of why i've begun taking interest in psychology is because of the behavioral studies of people, i've always enjoyed studying the behavior and demeanor of people when I listen to them speak, their body language and such. Mayhaps a better understanding of the psyche would allow me to study myself and determine what it is I need to improve. Basically, lately i've felt as if i've endured an emotional beating, the instability involving my mother, the jealousy i've felt regarding a special girl and the trivial exchanges with my ex. If I don't find some sort of silver lining in these gray clouds, i'm going to snap, and it isn't going to be very pretty.
I'm nigh embarrassed by how messily jumbled my thoughts are in this entry, ordinarily they have some sort of flow or rhythm, however due to the incident with my ex, my mind has been going in all directions. Accompanied by my comrade and my crony Rich, as the originals casually strolled throughout Springhill Mall, we ended up having my crony sit in a child's stroller while my comrade and I took turns pushing him throughout the mall, a few people having double-takes at the sight of the nitwitted Puerto Rican in such a tiny stroller. I also was able to observe both my comrade and crony while they were both messed up on Triple C, basically the only tip was the fact that my crony Rich's eyes were reddened, otherwise I really didn't seem to give it much thought. As we all decided to pay the quarry a visit, which the lovely Melanie bear witnessed to recently, we strode through the graveyard which Serena claims is filled with former patients of a mental hospital, who were experimented on with use of radiation and other creepy facts. Within the graveyard is a wooden platform with three sets of wooden steps upon it, we have dubbed this stature Jerusalem, which will most likely become a hangout spot where we sit and engage in contemplative conversations. I've more to include, but my lack of inspiration mixed with exhaustion simply means i'll have to update again soon.
Recently i've decided that the most crucial aspect of love for me is mutuality.
Alas, now I bask in the subconsciousness of my slumber.
As bewildering as it sounds, I just went from feeling horribly depressed to slightly humored. I'm so bipolar. Recently I managed to register at the nearby community college without giving them my transcript, which should be an impossibility, however I am an enigma, so I somehow manage to accomplish improbable feats. I'm not quite sure how everything is going to unravel regarding college, nothing is yet certain, hopefully everything turns out in my favor. To be honest, i'm not even quite sure what it is I wish to pursue as a career. Journalism is all well and good, but quite a competitive field. If anything, i'd most likely consider writing editorials, or articles in a magazine or paper. Afterwards, mayhaps something along the lines of freelance, writing stories and novels and whatnot. I've also considered becoming a counselor in the past, the sort of guidance counselor at schools. Counselors don't delve quite as deep into the psyche as therapists or psychiatrists do, but they still help people find their way. Sidetracking for a moment, since my mind is going in all directions at once, I honestly wish I knew the reason why love is such an extreme factor in my mind. Perhaps since i'm getting older, i'm clinging to the ideal of young love, the sort of casual innocence you can afford before things become more serious, more mature. Although i'm still quite stern on the belief that my first time should be with another virgin, which may also be one of the reasons why i'm attracted to the prospect of young love, a significant other with as much experience as I. All I know for certain is this is all wearing me down, I simply wish I knew if i'm to find someone soon like my expectations, or to have more patience, which I absolutely loathe. Alas, patience is a virtue, and I suppose i'll respect that.. for now.
Recently i've had to provide an abundance of emotional support for my mother, to act as an emotional crutch during trying times. When she lost control of her temperament, I sat with my head hung low as she vehemently spat her disgust of me as a person, until eventually I stood up and glared at her in silence, allowing only a moment of emotion before I left. I don't hold what she said against her, but nonetheless, it pained hearing it. I've tried my damnedest to keep faith in myself, however I feel as though this is the last straw. I'm not only sick of the lack of strength of those around me, i'm sick of those always seeking solace in me when I feel as though I have nothing to offer. I absolutely love listening to those I care for when they're troubled or in need of guidance, and I pride myself on my penchant for giving advice, however, i've noticed how self-conceited some can be by simply listening to them. One can always tell how self-centered another is by how they react when you listen for a while, then attempt to integrate something involving yourself, they either acknowledge or ignore it and go on. Part of why i've begun taking interest in psychology is because of the behavioral studies of people, i've always enjoyed studying the behavior and demeanor of people when I listen to them speak, their body language and such. Mayhaps a better understanding of the psyche would allow me to study myself and determine what it is I need to improve. Basically, lately i've felt as if i've endured an emotional beating, the instability involving my mother, the jealousy i've felt regarding a special girl and the trivial exchanges with my ex. If I don't find some sort of silver lining in these gray clouds, i'm going to snap, and it isn't going to be very pretty.
I'm nigh embarrassed by how messily jumbled my thoughts are in this entry, ordinarily they have some sort of flow or rhythm, however due to the incident with my ex, my mind has been going in all directions. Accompanied by my comrade and my crony Rich, as the originals casually strolled throughout Springhill Mall, we ended up having my crony sit in a child's stroller while my comrade and I took turns pushing him throughout the mall, a few people having double-takes at the sight of the nitwitted Puerto Rican in such a tiny stroller. I also was able to observe both my comrade and crony while they were both messed up on Triple C, basically the only tip was the fact that my crony Rich's eyes were reddened, otherwise I really didn't seem to give it much thought. As we all decided to pay the quarry a visit, which the lovely Melanie bear witnessed to recently, we strode through the graveyard which Serena claims is filled with former patients of a mental hospital, who were experimented on with use of radiation and other creepy facts. Within the graveyard is a wooden platform with three sets of wooden steps upon it, we have dubbed this stature Jerusalem, which will most likely become a hangout spot where we sit and engage in contemplative conversations. I've more to include, but my lack of inspiration mixed with exhaustion simply means i'll have to update again soon.
Recently i've decided that the most crucial aspect of love for me is mutuality.
Alas, now I bask in the subconsciousness of my slumber.