LJ Idol Week #13 - Topic: "Every Silver Lining Has A Cloud"
This is my entry for Week #13 of therealljidol.
---
Sharks in the Dating Pool
Sujin was dead and Amanda knew it. Amanda and I broke up three months before but she still called me the night Sujin died. Amanda said "I know more about death and depression than anyone you know why didn't you call me. You need me."
Forest Gump had just beaten Pulp Fiction for best picture. I found out Sujin was gone when I called her up to commiserate. Pulp was our favorite movie. She called me Pumpkin, I called her Honey Bunny. It was ironic because we knew we'd never be in love.
Sujin and I, we were messed up in the same ways. We'd bonded over filthy small talk and high tea. We'd made love for the first time in the backseat of my Sentra parked on a dark road up a mountain. Impulsively, like teenagers.
Sujin was seeing other people. That was fine by me - I'd just had my heart broken a few months before. We'd both see other people. One of the other people I saw was Amanda.
If somebody rips a chunk of your arm out, you can't just patch it with some random flesh. You need some time and patience to let it heal. When somebody tears their way out of your heart, though, you sometimes look for any human shaped person to fill the wound. You become the wound - a big gaping need. Sujin and I had matching injuries, but we were healing.
I still don't know what had happened to her, but Amanda's heart had collapsed in on itself like a black hole. When she asked me out, I felt flattered and desired. After being rejected by my ex, having two women interested in me at the same time felt like my luck was changing for the better. I said yes immediately.
I've learned that you should wait at least six months after a traumatic event before making any major decisions. In fact, before you make any decisions, major or minor. You never know when a minor decision might turn into a major one. I learned this that year.
The first night I spent with Amanda, I let her know I was going to keep seeing other people. She said she was cool with that. We had dinner at a cheap restaurant and ran into my ex while we were there, which put me in a state.
From her perspective, that must have been lousy. Here she was out on a date with me and all I wanted to do was complain bitterly about my still too-recent break up. She came home with me and went through my cassettes while I kvetched.
"INXS! I love them!" She put on this song:
"I Need You Tonight" is a funky song that promises endless sexy times. What sets it apart from other songs with similar themes is the call and response sequence. Lead singer Michael Hutchence sings that he's lonely. He can't think at all. He's just going to live his life. He needs you, but just tonight.
I have a journal from that year that doesn't match with my memory of what happened next. My memory is we started making out and eventually had sex. In my journal, I wrote that she started dancing around my apartment, undressed herself and (as I continued complaining) managed to hike down my pants and climb on top of me. Apparently I said "Wait, are we doing this? Uh, ok, I guess."
That's why they call me Mr. Romance.
We both had to work the next day but, as luck would have it, there was a hurricane warning and everything was canceled. Amanda decided the hurricane happened because we'd hooked up. Later, when I was breaking up with her, she shouted "you can't break up with me - a hurricane happened because of us." It was just a hurricane warning, though. In a literal sense, no actual hurricane arrived.
Sujin and I both resisted commitment. One day - was it the last day I saw her? - we were dancing in her kitchen. She was wearing a beautiful Korean robe and nothing else.
"If I could be with just one person - just for fun - it would be with you" she said. She then immediately laughed it off.
Amanda knew about Sujin from the start. She became significantly less cool with her about seven days after the hurricane warning.
"We need to have a commitment ceremony," Amanda demanded. "We'll put some of your stuff and some of my stuff in a little boat and set it on fire as it floats out to sea."
When I objected that we'd only been together for about a week and that was way too soon, she explained patiently but firmly how this is the speed every relationship moves and that I was being unreasonable since I clearly loved her.
Whoa whoa whoa, love?
Amanda entered my head through the hole in my heart. I felt like she was squeezing my brain with her little fingers. On nights when I wasn't out with her, my roommates told me they saw her car driving back and forth slowly in front of our place for hours. A month in, she started threatening to kill herself or her pets or me if I should ever leave her. She started listing all the diseases she thought Sujin was giving me and, thus, her.
Sujin just laughed about Amanda. "Sounds like you got a real winner there" she told me.
I told Amanda we had to end it. She said the thing about us causing the hurricane and threatened to kill herself again. She said no sane person would want to end such a perfect relationship. She wanted to go to get a couple's tarot card reading to prove her point. The reader told us that I knew what was best for the relationship and Amanda should listen to me. I broke up with her and she spent an hour shrieking about how that's not what the tarot card reader meant. We'd been seeing each other for six weeks.
I wouldn't see her, but the calls started every night. If Sujin was over for the night, the phone would ring until we took it off the hook.
Amanda thought she knew about death and depression, but Sujin knew them both up close and personal. One night, she drove herself up to her favorite lookout, locked herself in the trunk of her Toyota, and left the engine running. She always liked confined spaces. They made her feel comfortable. She was gone. We'd been seeing each other for about 5 months.
I'd been broken up with my ex for about eight months at that point and would have gone back to her if she'd asked.
Its been over twenty years now and I've come to believe that none of the three of us were having relationships with each other - not really. I don't think Amanda ever really knew me. She was in a relationship with somebody that she projected on me, but it was never me. Eventually, she stopped calling me, but I occasionally saw her car driving slowly by my apartment and workplace for years after.
Sujin and I made each other feel better, and that was enough for me. I met several of her other lovers - male and female - at her funeral. All of us combined weren't enough to fill the void that devoured her.
---
Cruel fate has dissolved Team Clueless, but two of my former team members are with me in the rivals group so read them and vote for them if you can!
ellison's entry can be found here
sinnamongirl's entry can be found here
---
Sharks in the Dating Pool
Sujin was dead and Amanda knew it. Amanda and I broke up three months before but she still called me the night Sujin died. Amanda said "I know more about death and depression than anyone you know why didn't you call me. You need me."
Forest Gump had just beaten Pulp Fiction for best picture. I found out Sujin was gone when I called her up to commiserate. Pulp was our favorite movie. She called me Pumpkin, I called her Honey Bunny. It was ironic because we knew we'd never be in love.
Sujin and I, we were messed up in the same ways. We'd bonded over filthy small talk and high tea. We'd made love for the first time in the backseat of my Sentra parked on a dark road up a mountain. Impulsively, like teenagers.
Sujin was seeing other people. That was fine by me - I'd just had my heart broken a few months before. We'd both see other people. One of the other people I saw was Amanda.
If somebody rips a chunk of your arm out, you can't just patch it with some random flesh. You need some time and patience to let it heal. When somebody tears their way out of your heart, though, you sometimes look for any human shaped person to fill the wound. You become the wound - a big gaping need. Sujin and I had matching injuries, but we were healing.
I still don't know what had happened to her, but Amanda's heart had collapsed in on itself like a black hole. When she asked me out, I felt flattered and desired. After being rejected by my ex, having two women interested in me at the same time felt like my luck was changing for the better. I said yes immediately.
I've learned that you should wait at least six months after a traumatic event before making any major decisions. In fact, before you make any decisions, major or minor. You never know when a minor decision might turn into a major one. I learned this that year.
The first night I spent with Amanda, I let her know I was going to keep seeing other people. She said she was cool with that. We had dinner at a cheap restaurant and ran into my ex while we were there, which put me in a state.
From her perspective, that must have been lousy. Here she was out on a date with me and all I wanted to do was complain bitterly about my still too-recent break up. She came home with me and went through my cassettes while I kvetched.
"INXS! I love them!" She put on this song:
Click to view"I Need You Tonight" is a funky song that promises endless sexy times. What sets it apart from other songs with similar themes is the call and response sequence. Lead singer Michael Hutchence sings that he's lonely. He can't think at all. He's just going to live his life. He needs you, but just tonight.
I have a journal from that year that doesn't match with my memory of what happened next. My memory is we started making out and eventually had sex. In my journal, I wrote that she started dancing around my apartment, undressed herself and (as I continued complaining) managed to hike down my pants and climb on top of me. Apparently I said "Wait, are we doing this? Uh, ok, I guess."
That's why they call me Mr. Romance.
We both had to work the next day but, as luck would have it, there was a hurricane warning and everything was canceled. Amanda decided the hurricane happened because we'd hooked up. Later, when I was breaking up with her, she shouted "you can't break up with me - a hurricane happened because of us." It was just a hurricane warning, though. In a literal sense, no actual hurricane arrived.
Sujin and I both resisted commitment. One day - was it the last day I saw her? - we were dancing in her kitchen. She was wearing a beautiful Korean robe and nothing else.
"If I could be with just one person - just for fun - it would be with you" she said. She then immediately laughed it off.
Amanda knew about Sujin from the start. She became significantly less cool with her about seven days after the hurricane warning.
"We need to have a commitment ceremony," Amanda demanded. "We'll put some of your stuff and some of my stuff in a little boat and set it on fire as it floats out to sea."
When I objected that we'd only been together for about a week and that was way too soon, she explained patiently but firmly how this is the speed every relationship moves and that I was being unreasonable since I clearly loved her.
Whoa whoa whoa, love?
Amanda entered my head through the hole in my heart. I felt like she was squeezing my brain with her little fingers. On nights when I wasn't out with her, my roommates told me they saw her car driving back and forth slowly in front of our place for hours. A month in, she started threatening to kill herself or her pets or me if I should ever leave her. She started listing all the diseases she thought Sujin was giving me and, thus, her.
Sujin just laughed about Amanda. "Sounds like you got a real winner there" she told me.
I told Amanda we had to end it. She said the thing about us causing the hurricane and threatened to kill herself again. She said no sane person would want to end such a perfect relationship. She wanted to go to get a couple's tarot card reading to prove her point. The reader told us that I knew what was best for the relationship and Amanda should listen to me. I broke up with her and she spent an hour shrieking about how that's not what the tarot card reader meant. We'd been seeing each other for six weeks.
I wouldn't see her, but the calls started every night. If Sujin was over for the night, the phone would ring until we took it off the hook.
Amanda thought she knew about death and depression, but Sujin knew them both up close and personal. One night, she drove herself up to her favorite lookout, locked herself in the trunk of her Toyota, and left the engine running. She always liked confined spaces. They made her feel comfortable. She was gone. We'd been seeing each other for about 5 months.
I'd been broken up with my ex for about eight months at that point and would have gone back to her if she'd asked.
Its been over twenty years now and I've come to believe that none of the three of us were having relationships with each other - not really. I don't think Amanda ever really knew me. She was in a relationship with somebody that she projected on me, but it was never me. Eventually, she stopped calling me, but I occasionally saw her car driving slowly by my apartment and workplace for years after.
Sujin and I made each other feel better, and that was enough for me. I met several of her other lovers - male and female - at her funeral. All of us combined weren't enough to fill the void that devoured her.
---
Cruel fate has dissolved Team Clueless, but two of my former team members are with me in the rivals group so read them and vote for them if you can!
ellison's entry can be found here
sinnamongirl's entry can be found here