Hope and fear
I waver between gut wrenching fear, and massive hope. She means everything to me, and I pray we work out. I have to keep praying and hoping. If I let the fear win i don't really know if I'll ever recover. I can't give up on being with her, she's the best thing that has ever happened to me. I hate it so much that it's the distance separating us that is the main problem, and that I haven't managed to work out a way to move closer yet. God I want to, and have for a long time. Now, though it could be too late and it makes me sick. I hate myself for not trying harder, for not finding a way, for all the mistakes I've made...for so many things. I've prayed more in the last few days than I have in decades. I want her to be happy, regardless if it is with me or someone else. I've asked for that many times, but I've also prayed hard that I won't lose her. She's the first woman that I've truly loved...I thought I had before, but nothing has compared to the feelings I have for her. I even have put serious thought into the possibility of marrying her. Most of all, I want her to truly be happy I don't know what the next few months will bring, but I do know that I'm going to do everything in my power to save our relationship and finally be by her side daily. I don't want to lose her. Please don't let it be too late.
Sorry, months between updates and you get a massive rambling posting...but my mind is almost torn apart. I have to try something to keep me sane while I work through things.
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