Aaah. Thank you. You know I like this ship. I felt so bad for him, and just as bad for her. It's probably another reason why Berrisford Agenda worked so well for me. This has a lot of really great lines in it.
"Before he could start talking at high speed, camouflaging what couldn’t be nerves, she had nudged him back into the chair with the lightest of touches."
Very sweet. I like his uncertainty, especially since these are all new emotions for him.
"He tightened his arms around her, wanting her as close as he could get her, past, inferior DNA and all."
That line says so much. His "conditioning" is slipping.
The only concrit I can give is that there were a couple of very long sentences. I'm a fan of crisp, short sentences... but Oscar Wilde was a fan of long sentences too, so my opinion doesn't necessarily mean much :p
An example: "Spending time on the outside, in Lehane’s place, even at the Berrisford’s full of plush carpets and furniture, all lit up to advantage, he could see why they divided time according to the Pulse out here, where before he'd assumed it was an affectation - a weakness."
Thank you! I'm glad you liked it. Oh, I very much like the 'ship too - it crystalises a lot about Alec, and although I couldn't see it working out in the long term, what it was was good and really sad for both of them. I love the way he's a mixture of confidence and lost-at-seaness in TBA so I'm glad that I conveyed some of that.
Thanks for the comment about the long sentences. Will ponder. I tend to try to mix it up, in terms of length, but I know I'm guilty of being convoluted - partly because asides and qualifiers and digressions occur to me mid-flow. Still, just like short sentences, lengthy ones should be there to serve a purpose and I'll look out for that.
"Before he could start talking at high speed, camouflaging what couldn’t be nerves, she had nudged him back into the chair with the lightest of touches."
Very sweet. I like his uncertainty, especially since these are all new emotions for him.
"He tightened his arms around her, wanting her as close as he could get her, past, inferior DNA and all."
That line says so much. His "conditioning" is slipping.
The only concrit I can give is that there were a couple of very long sentences. I'm a fan of crisp, short sentences... but Oscar Wilde was a fan of long sentences too, so my opinion doesn't necessarily mean much :p
An example:
"Spending time on the outside, in Lehane’s place, even at the Berrisford’s full of plush carpets and furniture, all lit up to advantage, he could see why they divided time according to the Pulse out here, where before he'd assumed it was an affectation - a weakness."
Thanks for the read :)
Reply
Thanks for the comment about the long sentences. Will ponder. I tend to try to mix it up, in terms of length, but I know I'm guilty of being convoluted - partly because asides and qualifiers and digressions occur to me mid-flow. Still, just like short sentences, lengthy ones should be there to serve a purpose and I'll look out for that.
Reply
Leave a comment