[ F I C ] Yunhoconda
I AM NOT SORRY YOU GUYS HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Jaejoong hummed to himself as he made dinner for him and his boyfriend. He was cutting vegetables and putting them in the pot when he heard a strange tune and voice from the other room.
“MY ANACONDA DON’T-MY ANACONDA DON’T-“
“What the fuck?” The blond turned his head over his shoulder to stare incredulously at where he heard the sound, which in this case was his living room. He put down the knife and walked towards the living room to find out what the hell was making that noise-
“MY ANACONDA DON’T WANT NONE UNLESS YOU GOT BUNS, HUN!”
Jaejoong stopped in his tracks when he saw a rather scandalous-looking video playing on his laptop. On his boyfriend’s lap. With his boyfriend watching said scandalous-looking video.
Yunho was watching...
...what was he watching?
As the video progressed, Jaejoong thought he recognized the famous-infamous?-African American singer Nicki Minaj working it (whatever it was, he’ll leave it to your imagination) on the screen while singing an annoyingly catchy song. The blond’s English had improved over the years, but he only managed to catch a few words with the way the artist was singing. But he did catch-
He can tell I ain’t missing no meals-
And he’s telling me it’s real-
Say he don’t like 'em boney, he want something to grab-
Jaejoong gasped when Nicki Minaj started twerking, but he was more scandalized at the thought of Yunho watching the music video. He sidestepped out of the doorway and leaned against the wall, music video out of his sight but not out of his ears.
MY ANACONDA DON’T-
There was a mirror in front of him, and he stared at his skinny body with horror-filled eyes.
MY ANACONDA DON’T-
He twisted his body a bit so his butt would be in plain view, and he almost cried at the sight of his butt. Or lack thereof.
MY ANACONDA DON’T WANT NONE UNLESS YOU GOT BUNS, HUN!
“JUNSU-YAHH!!”
“Huwhaa?” The redhead member of JYJ turned his head so fast he almost got whiplash. He stared, wide-eyed, as his blond hyung entered his house and-wait a minute, how’d he get in without him noticing?!
“Junsu-yah!!” Jaejoong placed his hands on his shoulders, and from the close proximity, Junsu could see the panic and desperation in his hyung’s eyes. “Junsu-yahh, please teach me your ways!!”
Junsu blinked in confusion. He set down his magazine. “Huh??”
“What the fuck is going on?” Yoochun came out from the kitchen with a bowl of cereal in his hand. He used the other one to scratch his head. “Jaejoong-hyung? What-“
“Please, Junsu-yahh!” Jaejoong ignored Yoochun and continued begging the youngest member of their musical trio, and he went down on his knees and started crying. “Please! My relationship depends on it!!”
“Huh? Relationship? What, you mean with Yunho-hyung?” Junsu’s voice increased an octave as he sat up straight and stared at his sobbing hyung. “What happened?! Did you guys have a fight? Or-“
“No, no, we didn’t have a fight. But-But-“ Jaejoong looked up and grasped his shoulders again. “BUTT.”
Junsu looked confused again. “Huh?”
The blond paused for a few moments before letting it loose.
“PLEASE TELL ME HOW YOU GOT YOUR BUTT TO BE SO BIG!”
It had gotten so quiet.
Jaejoong was tightly grasping Junsu’s arms as he desperately looked into his eyes.
Junsu just stared at his hyung wide-eyed, incredulous, shocked, scandalized.
Yoochun blinked at the scene with a spoon of cereal in his mouth. But then-
“PWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!” The dark-haired member of JYJ fell on the floor laughing, bowl of cereal spilling out its contents.
“WHAT THE FUCK, HYUNG?!?” Junsu screeched, standing up and clenching his fists in indignant rage. “WHY WOULD YOU EVEN-WHO THE FUCK ASKS THAT JESUS FUCKING CHRIST-“
“PLEASE, JUNSU-YAH, I HAVE TO KNOW!!!”
“HOW DARE YOU, HYUNG!! HOW DARE YOU!!”
“JUNSU-YAH, IT’S A COMPLIMENT! I MEAN, YOU-“
“NO, GET OUT, HYUNG! GET OUT OF MY HOUSE! NOW!”
“NOOOO, JUNSU-YAH PLE-HEY, OWW, OWW, THAT FUCKING HURTS LET GO OF MY HAIR YOU BIG-ASSED-“
The last sounds heard in Junsu’s house were Jaejoong’s pained cries, Junsu’s angry dolphin screams and Yoochun’s obnoxious laughter.
“Jae?” The leader of the nation’s lead music duo searched the entire house, brows furrowed in confusion. “Jaejoongie? Where are you?”
He just finished watching a new Nicki Minaj music video Changmin had wanted him to watch. It was... well, interesting but he didn’t really like it that much. The tune was catchy, though, and he searched the house humming the “anaconda” part of the song. Which was really the only part he liked, to be honest.
“Jaeeee,” Yunho opened the broom closet in search for his boyfriend, but when he realized that it wouldn’t make sense for Jaejoong to be in a broom closet of all places, he shut it closed.
He was about to look inside a potted plant next when he heard the door open and close. “Jae?”
The blond slowly walked down the hall, his hair hilariously messed up and wife beater strap hanging off of one shoulder. He was sniffling as he walked closer to a confused Yunho, mumbling something about “selfish fat asses” and “not buying idiots any more cereal.” When Jaejoong stopped right in front of him, the tanned performer rubbed his hands along Jaejoong’s bare arms in worry.
“Hey, BooJae. What’s wrong?” He fixed Jaejoong’s hair and narrowed his eyes in worry as the blond continued to sniffle and mumble to himself. “What happened? You suddenly left so I thought-“
“Yunnie,” Came the helpless whine, and Jaejoong looked up to stare sadly into the dark-haired man’s eyes. Yunho was surprised to see tears coming down his boyfriend’s face. “Yunnie, am I not enough for you?”
That made Yunho gasp. “W-What? Not enough for me? What are you talking about? You’re-“
“I saw you. In the living room.” Jaejoong used his head to gesture at the general direction of the living room. Yunho got confused for a moment because wasn’t that the kitchen-“You were watching a Nicki Minaj video on my laptop. And it was about big butts and how skinny bitches don’t get the anaconda.”
Yunho blinked. “What-“
“DON’T YOU DARE DENY IT, YOU-YOU BUTT HEAD!” The blond slapped Yunho’s chest repeatedly. “I SAW YOU! I FUCKING SAW YOU! You were watching that-that-that disgraceful music video with the butt shaking and the twerking and the big, fat, juicy asses!! That’s what you want, don’t you?! You want a fat ass to fuck?!”
“Jaejoong-ah, calm do-“
“DON’T FUCKING TELL ME WHAT TO DO!! IT’S NOT LIKE I HAVE A FAT ASS SO WHY ARE YOU EVEN TALKING TO ME RIGHT-WAIT-“ Jaejoong suddenly gasped and pointed at Yunho with an accusatory look. “YOU WANT TO FUCK JUNSU, DON’T YOU?!”
“WHAT?!” Yunho screeched, using a voice he was pretty sure he had outgrown when he reached puberty. “WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, KIM JAEJOONG? WHY WOULD I WANNA FUCK JUNSU, HE’S-“
“GOT A BIG. FAT. ASSSSSSS.” Jaejoong interjected, stressed on the last word and even making exaggerated hand movements to go along with it. “YOU WANT THE BIG JUICY BUNS TO PUT YOUR YUNNIE-WEENIE IN BETWEEN! YOUR-YOUR-YOUR YUNHOCONDA! AFTER ALL, YOUR YUNHOCONDA DON’T WANT NONE UNLESS THEY GOT BUNS, HUN. RIGHT?!”
“JAEJOONG, WILL YOU LISTEN TO YOURSELF, YOU PSYCHOTIC WEIRDO-“
“OH YEAH SURE, WE’RE STARTING WITH THE NAME CALLING! NEXT YOU’RE PROBABLY GONNA CALL ME A SKINNY BITCH, RIGHT?! RIGHT?! AND THEN YOU’RE GONNA SAY FUCK YOU SKINNY BITCH AND BE ALL-“
Jaejoong squeaked when he was suddenly pulled against Yunho’s chest. He let himself be manhandled quietly as Yunho stared at him intensely, and he had no choice but to meet the man’s stare with confused eyes.
“Uh, Yunho-yah, what-“
“Now you listen here, skinny bitch.” Yunho said quietly, but each word was whole and laced with danger. Jaejoong shivered. “Who do you think you are, making assumptions about what I want? And who cares about that music video? Do you think my anaconda is like that? Huh?”
Jaejoong gasped when Yunho pulled him even more closer, and their crotches pressed against each other. And by the size of the bulge on Yunho’s pants, a certain anaconda was wide awake and ready to pounce.
“Y-Yunho-yah-“
“But guess what, Jaejoongie? My anaconda isn’t like most.” Yunho’s hand travelled down to cup one of Jaejoong’s flesh globes through the fabric of his pants, and Jaejoong hissed. Yunho smirked against the pale man’s neck. “In fact, my Yunhoconda likes to be in the wet, hot and tight places the most. And encased in a custom-fit, firm ass.”
“Oh my God, Yunho-“
“Speaking of,” Yunho interjected, kneading Jaejoong’s firm globes with his hands. He smiled at Jaejoong sweetly and pecked his nose. “My Yunhoconda wants to stop by home before it eats dinner. It wants to... feel at home for a while.”
The blond was about to say something in reply but Yunho suddenly hoisted him up on his shoulder. Jaejoong was too shocked to say anything (because how the fuck did Yunho get strong enough to do this?!) that he just quietly let himself be hauled to his bedroom.
He didn’t stay quiet for long, of course.
Meanwhile-
Yoochun shook his head, still laughing about the hilarious scene he was most fortunate to witness. He had just sent a text to Changmin saying that Kim Jaejoong was the loopiest loop in a Fruity Loops box when he saw Junsu in the living room, doing push-ups.
The dark-haired man raised a brow. “Junsu-yah, what-“
“SHUT UP, PARK YOOCHUN!!” Junsu barked, making Yoochun cower in fear at the intensity of his rage. “JUST SHUT. THE FUCK. UP!”
RT from alotofkpoop:
“JYJ’S KIM JUNSU BRUTALLY KICKS OUT FELLOW MEMBER KIM JAEJOONG OUT OF HIS HOUSE (posted XX, 2014 @ 10:31 pm)
JYJ’s Kim Junsu was spotted brutally kicking out fellow member, JYJ’s Kim Jaejoong, out of his own house one evening due to unexplained circumstances...”
This post has 6,238 notes.
iwantjaejoongspenissss reblogged and added:
HOLY SHIT WHAT HAPPENED
boomboominyourtown liked this
boomboominyourtown reblogged and added:
HAHAHAHAHA WHAT THE FUCk
vajaenaballs reblogged and added:
OH NO DON’T TELL ME OUR FANDOM IS GOING TO BECOME EVEN MORE SEPARATED
junsu4life reblogged and added:
MAYBE THEY WERE FIGHTING FOR YOOCHUN LOL
yamira-can-has reblogged and added:
#YOLO
I REGRET NOTHING HAHAHAHAHA! Well, maybe a little, because I watched that horrible Anaconda music video by Nicki Minaj. I didn't finish it because it was just so... ughh. :)) I don't have anything against Nicki Minaj but sometimes... D: But it gave me inspiration to write this hilarious, cracky oneshot so HAHAHAHA. There's good in everything, I guess XD
And shameless self-plugging at the last line. :)) #YOLO
EDIT: WHOOPS. Used the wrong banner. It was supposed to be "end" instead of "tbc" HAHAHAHA SORRY. =)))
Jaejoong hummed to himself as he made dinner for him and his boyfriend. He was cutting vegetables and putting them in the pot when he heard a strange tune and voice from the other room.
“MY ANACONDA DON’T-MY ANACONDA DON’T-“
“What the fuck?” The blond turned his head over his shoulder to stare incredulously at where he heard the sound, which in this case was his living room. He put down the knife and walked towards the living room to find out what the hell was making that noise-
“MY ANACONDA DON’T WANT NONE UNLESS YOU GOT BUNS, HUN!”
Jaejoong stopped in his tracks when he saw a rather scandalous-looking video playing on his laptop. On his boyfriend’s lap. With his boyfriend watching said scandalous-looking video.
Yunho was watching...
...what was he watching?
As the video progressed, Jaejoong thought he recognized the famous-infamous?-African American singer Nicki Minaj working it (whatever it was, he’ll leave it to your imagination) on the screen while singing an annoyingly catchy song. The blond’s English had improved over the years, but he only managed to catch a few words with the way the artist was singing. But he did catch-
He can tell I ain’t missing no meals-
And he’s telling me it’s real-
Say he don’t like 'em boney, he want something to grab-
Jaejoong gasped when Nicki Minaj started twerking, but he was more scandalized at the thought of Yunho watching the music video. He sidestepped out of the doorway and leaned against the wall, music video out of his sight but not out of his ears.
MY ANACONDA DON’T-
There was a mirror in front of him, and he stared at his skinny body with horror-filled eyes.
MY ANACONDA DON’T-
He twisted his body a bit so his butt would be in plain view, and he almost cried at the sight of his butt. Or lack thereof.
MY ANACONDA DON’T WANT NONE UNLESS YOU GOT BUNS, HUN!
“JUNSU-YAHH!!”
“Huwhaa?” The redhead member of JYJ turned his head so fast he almost got whiplash. He stared, wide-eyed, as his blond hyung entered his house and-wait a minute, how’d he get in without him noticing?!
“Junsu-yah!!” Jaejoong placed his hands on his shoulders, and from the close proximity, Junsu could see the panic and desperation in his hyung’s eyes. “Junsu-yahh, please teach me your ways!!”
Junsu blinked in confusion. He set down his magazine. “Huh??”
“What the fuck is going on?” Yoochun came out from the kitchen with a bowl of cereal in his hand. He used the other one to scratch his head. “Jaejoong-hyung? What-“
“Please, Junsu-yahh!” Jaejoong ignored Yoochun and continued begging the youngest member of their musical trio, and he went down on his knees and started crying. “Please! My relationship depends on it!!”
“Huh? Relationship? What, you mean with Yunho-hyung?” Junsu’s voice increased an octave as he sat up straight and stared at his sobbing hyung. “What happened?! Did you guys have a fight? Or-“
“No, no, we didn’t have a fight. But-But-“ Jaejoong looked up and grasped his shoulders again. “BUTT.”
Junsu looked confused again. “Huh?”
The blond paused for a few moments before letting it loose.
“PLEASE TELL ME HOW YOU GOT YOUR BUTT TO BE SO BIG!”
It had gotten so quiet.
Jaejoong was tightly grasping Junsu’s arms as he desperately looked into his eyes.
Junsu just stared at his hyung wide-eyed, incredulous, shocked, scandalized.
Yoochun blinked at the scene with a spoon of cereal in his mouth. But then-
“PWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!” The dark-haired member of JYJ fell on the floor laughing, bowl of cereal spilling out its contents.
“WHAT THE FUCK, HYUNG?!?” Junsu screeched, standing up and clenching his fists in indignant rage. “WHY WOULD YOU EVEN-WHO THE FUCK ASKS THAT JESUS FUCKING CHRIST-“
“PLEASE, JUNSU-YAH, I HAVE TO KNOW!!!”
“HOW DARE YOU, HYUNG!! HOW DARE YOU!!”
“JUNSU-YAH, IT’S A COMPLIMENT! I MEAN, YOU-“
“NO, GET OUT, HYUNG! GET OUT OF MY HOUSE! NOW!”
“NOOOO, JUNSU-YAH PLE-HEY, OWW, OWW, THAT FUCKING HURTS LET GO OF MY HAIR YOU BIG-ASSED-“
The last sounds heard in Junsu’s house were Jaejoong’s pained cries, Junsu’s angry dolphin screams and Yoochun’s obnoxious laughter.
“Jae?” The leader of the nation’s lead music duo searched the entire house, brows furrowed in confusion. “Jaejoongie? Where are you?”
He just finished watching a new Nicki Minaj music video Changmin had wanted him to watch. It was... well, interesting but he didn’t really like it that much. The tune was catchy, though, and he searched the house humming the “anaconda” part of the song. Which was really the only part he liked, to be honest.
“Jaeeee,” Yunho opened the broom closet in search for his boyfriend, but when he realized that it wouldn’t make sense for Jaejoong to be in a broom closet of all places, he shut it closed.
He was about to look inside a potted plant next when he heard the door open and close. “Jae?”
The blond slowly walked down the hall, his hair hilariously messed up and wife beater strap hanging off of one shoulder. He was sniffling as he walked closer to a confused Yunho, mumbling something about “selfish fat asses” and “not buying idiots any more cereal.” When Jaejoong stopped right in front of him, the tanned performer rubbed his hands along Jaejoong’s bare arms in worry.
“Hey, BooJae. What’s wrong?” He fixed Jaejoong’s hair and narrowed his eyes in worry as the blond continued to sniffle and mumble to himself. “What happened? You suddenly left so I thought-“
“Yunnie,” Came the helpless whine, and Jaejoong looked up to stare sadly into the dark-haired man’s eyes. Yunho was surprised to see tears coming down his boyfriend’s face. “Yunnie, am I not enough for you?”
That made Yunho gasp. “W-What? Not enough for me? What are you talking about? You’re-“
“I saw you. In the living room.” Jaejoong used his head to gesture at the general direction of the living room. Yunho got confused for a moment because wasn’t that the kitchen-“You were watching a Nicki Minaj video on my laptop. And it was about big butts and how skinny bitches don’t get the anaconda.”
Yunho blinked. “What-“
“DON’T YOU DARE DENY IT, YOU-YOU BUTT HEAD!” The blond slapped Yunho’s chest repeatedly. “I SAW YOU! I FUCKING SAW YOU! You were watching that-that-that disgraceful music video with the butt shaking and the twerking and the big, fat, juicy asses!! That’s what you want, don’t you?! You want a fat ass to fuck?!”
“Jaejoong-ah, calm do-“
“DON’T FUCKING TELL ME WHAT TO DO!! IT’S NOT LIKE I HAVE A FAT ASS SO WHY ARE YOU EVEN TALKING TO ME RIGHT-WAIT-“ Jaejoong suddenly gasped and pointed at Yunho with an accusatory look. “YOU WANT TO FUCK JUNSU, DON’T YOU?!”
“WHAT?!” Yunho screeched, using a voice he was pretty sure he had outgrown when he reached puberty. “WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, KIM JAEJOONG? WHY WOULD I WANNA FUCK JUNSU, HE’S-“
“GOT A BIG. FAT. ASSSSSSS.” Jaejoong interjected, stressed on the last word and even making exaggerated hand movements to go along with it. “YOU WANT THE BIG JUICY BUNS TO PUT YOUR YUNNIE-WEENIE IN BETWEEN! YOUR-YOUR-YOUR YUNHOCONDA! AFTER ALL, YOUR YUNHOCONDA DON’T WANT NONE UNLESS THEY GOT BUNS, HUN. RIGHT?!”
“JAEJOONG, WILL YOU LISTEN TO YOURSELF, YOU PSYCHOTIC WEIRDO-“
“OH YEAH SURE, WE’RE STARTING WITH THE NAME CALLING! NEXT YOU’RE PROBABLY GONNA CALL ME A SKINNY BITCH, RIGHT?! RIGHT?! AND THEN YOU’RE GONNA SAY FUCK YOU SKINNY BITCH AND BE ALL-“
Jaejoong squeaked when he was suddenly pulled against Yunho’s chest. He let himself be manhandled quietly as Yunho stared at him intensely, and he had no choice but to meet the man’s stare with confused eyes.
“Uh, Yunho-yah, what-“
“Now you listen here, skinny bitch.” Yunho said quietly, but each word was whole and laced with danger. Jaejoong shivered. “Who do you think you are, making assumptions about what I want? And who cares about that music video? Do you think my anaconda is like that? Huh?”
Jaejoong gasped when Yunho pulled him even more closer, and their crotches pressed against each other. And by the size of the bulge on Yunho’s pants, a certain anaconda was wide awake and ready to pounce.
“Y-Yunho-yah-“
“But guess what, Jaejoongie? My anaconda isn’t like most.” Yunho’s hand travelled down to cup one of Jaejoong’s flesh globes through the fabric of his pants, and Jaejoong hissed. Yunho smirked against the pale man’s neck. “In fact, my Yunhoconda likes to be in the wet, hot and tight places the most. And encased in a custom-fit, firm ass.”
“Oh my God, Yunho-“
“Speaking of,” Yunho interjected, kneading Jaejoong’s firm globes with his hands. He smiled at Jaejoong sweetly and pecked his nose. “My Yunhoconda wants to stop by home before it eats dinner. It wants to... feel at home for a while.”
The blond was about to say something in reply but Yunho suddenly hoisted him up on his shoulder. Jaejoong was too shocked to say anything (because how the fuck did Yunho get strong enough to do this?!) that he just quietly let himself be hauled to his bedroom.
He didn’t stay quiet for long, of course.
Meanwhile-
Yoochun shook his head, still laughing about the hilarious scene he was most fortunate to witness. He had just sent a text to Changmin saying that Kim Jaejoong was the loopiest loop in a Fruity Loops box when he saw Junsu in the living room, doing push-ups.
The dark-haired man raised a brow. “Junsu-yah, what-“
“SHUT UP, PARK YOOCHUN!!” Junsu barked, making Yoochun cower in fear at the intensity of his rage. “JUST SHUT. THE FUCK. UP!”
RT from alotofkpoop:
“JYJ’S KIM JUNSU BRUTALLY KICKS OUT FELLOW MEMBER KIM JAEJOONG OUT OF HIS HOUSE (posted XX, 2014 @ 10:31 pm)
JYJ’s Kim Junsu was spotted brutally kicking out fellow member, JYJ’s Kim Jaejoong, out of his own house one evening due to unexplained circumstances...”
This post has 6,238 notes.
iwantjaejoongspenissss reblogged and added:
HOLY SHIT WHAT HAPPENED
boomboominyourtown liked this
boomboominyourtown reblogged and added:
HAHAHAHAHA WHAT THE FUCk
vajaenaballs reblogged and added:
OH NO DON’T TELL ME OUR FANDOM IS GOING TO BECOME EVEN MORE SEPARATED
junsu4life reblogged and added:
MAYBE THEY WERE FIGHTING FOR YOOCHUN LOL
yamira-can-has reblogged and added:
#YOLO
I REGRET NOTHING HAHAHAHAHA! Well, maybe a little, because I watched that horrible Anaconda music video by Nicki Minaj. I didn't finish it because it was just so... ughh. :)) I don't have anything against Nicki Minaj but sometimes... D: But it gave me inspiration to write this hilarious, cracky oneshot so HAHAHAHA. There's good in everything, I guess XD
And shameless self-plugging at the last line. :)) #YOLO
EDIT: WHOOPS. Used the wrong banner. It was supposed to be "end" instead of "tbc" HAHAHAHA SORRY. =)))