My professorfetish story, what do you guys think?
Ugh he just drives me insane....
He's not all that tall but he is taller than me, I'd say hes maybe 5'4, 5'5....small frame and thin but not intimidatingly thin. He does this thing where when he talks or when he's making a point in what he's saying he wrinkles his brows/face a lot, overemphasizes most of his facial expressions..its cute....he's fresh out of grad school from another state....he has reviews on ratemyprofessor from then and people HATED him, and thats why before the semester started I was fearing this class and dreading it, thinking he'd be an ass, and the first day of class I thought he was a dweeb or possibly two-faced and gonna give us hell, I thought he came off nice but he must have some alterior motive XD i seriously did! I had no idea it would go this far....
The first week of class I thought "Well..he tries to be cute, and I love nerds, but even HE looks too nerdy for me!" And that first week of class (we met twice a week) in both classes he referenced his girlfriend. So, I also thought to myself, "Besides, he has a girlfriend, off limits..." and I just wasnt attracted...and it wasnt until after we moved classrooms that i started noticing him looking at me...more than a professor should, and granted I took a semester off, granted i was just getting back into it, but I was not attracted to him...and I wasnt trying to dress up either. I was depressed about myself and refused to dress up like I used to and give into that vanity crap. Of course I ended up eating my words.
Well, in late January I came to class in a forest green turtleneck, black pants, uggs, black sweater (it was freakin cold out lol) and was not looking for anything or anyone.....and it was that class that I noticed him looking at me, right at me far more than normal....than he or any other professor ever did before...and our classroom is set up with aisles of desks on the left and right sides, with about 5 chairs for each row, and I sat on the left, 3rd from the front of the class, second seat in..so I mean there's plenty of option not to look at me, but he was...staring, as he talked, and it just bugged me, I didnt know what to make of it. I didnt even like him like that, I should've cause I love nerds but even he was too dweeb-ish to me, and I dont do dweebs haha, triple d law lol...but I talked to my older sister about it and said what the hell, test him a little bit, have it be a little project outside my studies...and research, can use it in my novel or the handbook for women im writing....so I started making little notes about what he does, I started to dress differently, I started with the schoolgirl look (button-up shirt, mini sweater tied up around the bust, skirt, heels, hair in pigtails lol), and toyed around and invented different styles, mostly concentrating on accenting my curves and the attitude I wore them with. I started bringing lollipops to class after Valentine's, figuring out what my boundaries are and sort of testing the waters a bit. It was so cute, like at first when I would bring them to class, and he'd be looking, he'd start fumbiling up his words, he'd run his fingers through his hair, rub his neck...I loved it. Around this time he would also start pointing me out special in the class... For example, when we were discussing a story we were reading, he said "and remember what (my name) said about _________" as the class was leaving. There also became a pattern of whenever he wants someone to read aloud, he would always take a glance from each side of the room, then usually look right at me to volunteer. Before he came up with a system (and a quirky one at that lol) to break people into groups he'd randomly choose people, and I would be the first name he'd call....and when he'd call upon our groups to discuss whatever, he would always pick the group I was in first. Once I was group #6 and he still called me first.
I met with him in his office Feb 9....truly my motive was just to flirt and see what hes like......but my excuse was i made one bad SAE (short analytical essay - we had 5 this semester) grade and I wanted to ask him how I could improve, and I came up with a bunch of questions, asked him his advice for creative writing at our school (which really doesn't offer much - and that's where most of my interest is). That first meeting lasted 40 minutes. Fourty minutes of us talking, of course initially about academics, but it naturally led into other things. He told me I was different than the rest of the class.. I touched him twice on his arm....he was saying something to the effect of how nervous he was that he was, trying to do a good job and I told him that he really was, and about the history professor who verbally abused the class of his I was in last year and one or two other bad professors I have dealt with. I didnt tell too many names but he still wanted to know them, when he asked who I had dealt with who was so mean to me here he asked in a "who-did-you-wrong?" tone, like protective of me almost, I was surprised because I didn't expect that, but I told him their names aren't important....and when I was insisting casually he was doing a great job I touched his arm once, he was all "nah, nah" kind of thing and I did it again and said "Really!" with a cute little flirty chuckle, and he didnt flinch or anything.
Sometime that month there was one class where we were talking about breaking down the 4th wall, like how in stories/movies characters talk to the audience in the middle of a scene, I joked "This is so 90s of me but like Zach Morris?" and he matched my comparison with Ferris Bueller, one of his generation, which I thought was really cute, cause hes like early 30s and I'm in my early 20s.
I would make small conversation with him from time to time, like before the snowstorm we had here that month, because he was new here and hadn't experienced a winter like we usually get, I warned him that people here in the south do not know how to drive in the snow and they cannot handle it, its pathetic, etc, and he laughed with me about it as we walked out of class. I have this habit of always telling people "Take care" when I said goodbye and I said that to him, he looked back at me and said "You too."
Somewhere around this time, still in Febuary, he cut his hair. I dont know if it's significant but I do know when men are attracted to other women they do shit like that, like get a new haircut or whatever. And no, I didn't say anything about his haircut before he did, but I think I complimented him when he first came to class after it.
I met with him again Feb 18 to go over what I had chosen to write about for our first essay (we had two major ones). I wasn't sure if the ideas I had in mind would work, so I was legitimately meeting him to see if I was on the right track. I came around the first part of his office hours. His door was open like usual and he was meeting with another girl, so I waited out in the hall, away from the doorway so I wasn't rude or seeming like he needed to rush. This wasn't relavant to me at first, but he was sitting with a distance away from the girl, a polite amount of space. When this girl was leaving he got up to look in his doorway and saw me standing in the hall and invited me in. After I sat down he sat RIGHT beside me....and note his office is small...it has a corner desk on the left, a table behind it, an old spare wooden chair along the wall to the right of it, then a bookcase and another chair he throws his jacket on. I sat in the chair by the table and he pulled up his desk chair, sitting right beside me. Like, I could smell his breath kind of close. I scratched my leg and felt his pants on the back side of my hand. It took all I had to not go for him right then, I swear. I wanted to growl at that door being open. I was fucking white-knuckiling it....
For the entire duration of being his student, he would constantly mimic my body language. He did this about as much as he would look at me. In class I could be playing with a necklace or the side of my shirt, pretend I was about to unbutton the top button, etc. I showed off cleavage often. If I was touching my necklace or the side of my shirt, he ALWAYS would starts to hold the side of his jacket as he was talking, run his fingers through his hair, etc. It was just laughable how much he did that especially towards the end of the semester.
There was one day in early March when I was purely fucking charmed. It was weird, I kept running into all these people I know or used to know, all in one day. I was in the library after my other class that afternoon with one of my girlfriends. I swear I saw so many people...then who would've came out last off the elevator except Professor Crush himself, putting on his jacket as he was walking out, by that time the whole thing was just laughable and I smirked and waved at him, he said "Hey" and smiled, and went on his way.. It was also after his office hours too so i was surprised, he teaches his first class at 8am and likes to leave around 3:30pm, and it was after four or so that day, and typically he likes to get out of there as soon as possible. Can't blame him, it wears thin on me to be at school all freakin day too.
On the day of our midterm (our first exam, we only had two, the midterm and the final), like always, we were waiting in the hall for him to come and unlock the door. I remember I wore a guns n roses t-shirt I cut the neck and part of the sleeves off so it hangs off my shoulders, and a black bo-ho skirt and black stilletoes I had found that weekend before..anywhoo, everyone came in, and I was sitting down. After sorting out the papers he was glancing around the room at everyone coming in, and he saw me and looked at me for a moment, smiled and said "Hey." to me exclusively. Note he didn't do that to anyone else in the class the entire semester. One of the students in our class, a guy a little older than me, was talking about some exams in his other class, and how horrible this one history professor was. The worst professor I've dealt with so far was from history (actually both professors I had for history were bad) and I agreed and added how dissapointing it was when I was anxious to take some interesting history classes when I came here. Professor Crush chimed in and added, "Oh you should see my grades on ratemyprofessor from the school I was at before. It's terrible." I told him he wasn't that bad, and the other student guy continued, and they got to talking and I forget specifically what all was said but we all got to laughing.
I emailed him that night just asking when we'd get our first essay grade back, cause by that point it had been a week or two since we turned it in, and some other classmates and I had thought we'd get our grade back that day. Also that same week, the class before the midterm, he made up his own evaluation for us to do for him, just to see how he's doing, what he needs to improve, etc. So I thought about that and then also what he said before the exam and I could sense at least some level of insecurity behind the way he said it and was playing it off, so when I emailed asking about the first essay grade, at the end I added:
"And by the way, don't even worry about how you're doing as a professor--as someone who has experienced the best of the best and the worst, absolute borderline-abusive, pathetic excuses for teachers at this school, you've really done a great job and I know others in our class who agree. And in my opinion, you're definately in my top 3, and there aren't enough professors that teach as well as you do at this school.
Thanks and have a good weekend!
(my name)"
to which he replied:
Dear (my name),
Thanks for the kind words! I hope to have your paper back to you on either Tuesday or Thursday of next week. The midterms you may not get until after Spring Break.
Sincerely,
(Professor Crush)
(he always says "dear," and "sincerely," lol)
and you know what he did after? 2 hours after he emailed me back that, he cut out one of our assigned readings:
Dear all,
I wanted to e-mail you all and let you know that I'm cutting back on the reading assignment for next Tuesday (March 9). Please do read all of the selections by (so and so), but do NOT read all of the section on Medieval Lyrics. I may bring up a few of these short lyrics if there is time (or on other days this semester), but I think we'll be busy enough--so please do not read that entire long section right now.
Sincerely,
(Professor Crush)
Then also the next class day he brought both the essay A grade and our midterm grade! It was then that I realized PART of what the other students wrote about him at his other school on ratemyprofessor was true; he grades like an asshole. And I had worked hard on this paper and really stressed over it and the directions for his papers are SO vague...and I didn't get back a very good grade, and he had told us if we wanted to re-write it we could, only not that day that he gave us the grade. Which was probably best because I was pissed from working hard on it, but whatever. The next class day I met with him over the grade I got (thought I could re-write it then he told me cant rewrite a "C" paper) and also over a comment he made on it (he emails us our grades and adds comments on our papers, and his first comment on it was that he "can tell I'm going to muddy it up but [he's] willing to follow me"). Though I took it like a real writer would and told him I appreciate re-writing (he was surprised), I didnt understand why he said that and it seemed he was judging the paper before he had a chance to read it (the comment was in like the second paragraph of the paper). I told him it was a bit discouraging, he apologized and said (what I thought seemed a little fishy to me, as if he did this on purpose so I would see him, could just be me) "I knew we'd be having this conversation." and we talked about the paper, I explained how hard I worked on it, and he understood....from there I told him I'm a writer, I told him about what I'm writing/working on and there aren't very many creative writing classes here and I asked basically what I could do to get the most out of my education here, etc. He told me and re-iterated a lot that he's still new and doesnt know many people, but he knew some, and gave me their names....and he told me he's an advisor of our school's literary magazine (students submit poems, short stories, lyrics, photography, etc and they put it together for an annual issue) but he doesn't do too much work on it, he said he was just as a grammatical person really, he downplayed it a lot. I told him I'm considering writing again for our school's newspaper and I'd like to apply for the literary magazine....and actually he told me what a small, and really exclusive thing it is to work there, like its just less than 5 people on the whole team. There's the editor, Prof. Crush does the grammatical checks on it...and they werent taking applications then but he did say I could submit poems for it or something....but he didn't tell me how. Anywhoo, when I thought the meeting was kinda wrapping up and I was putting my essay back in my folder and putting the folder in my bag I caught him glancing in it (i carry an oversized victoria's secret bag as my schoolbag) as if he was curious whats in there, I didnt say anything but I saw his eyes glancing...and then, I swear, almost like to keep me around he brought up the exam and the grade (I didnt do that good but of course I tried the best I knew how) and I got it out and he went over it with me, re-calculated my grade in his head in front of me to make sure he got it right and one thing I did was I didnt follow the directions where he said "pick this many per catagory and answer that" but he said about 3-4 other people overlooked that too so I wasnt the only one, and it was weird when he was explaining it, cause it was like he was trying to say basically "I did the best I could for you, I couldn't absolutely give you the grade I wanted to give you cause that wouldnt be fair" and after we went over all that, and he went through every single question (I nodded, asked a question here or there, etc), out of nowhere he jumped up as if there was a fire (like serious, startled me a little) and he started looking back and forth down the hall outside his door and he said "Sorry, I just wanted to be sure there arent any other students waiting out in the hall" (btw the door was completely open the entire time) and he said as he was coming to sit back down something to the effect of "Sorry, I'm not trying to cut this short or anything" and I just smiled my little smile and chuckled "oh its fine" and got my bag on my shoulder and stood up, and he pulled up on the school's website a picture of some poet lady to talk to about writing programs and i thanked him, said i remember faces better than names and touched his shoulder, told him to have a good spring break and he said "You too" kind of quietly and I left....
His body language spoke volumes....initially, when I was talking about the comment he made, he was propping his head up on the table with his fist as he listened to me, which means he was trying to dominate me, but he ended up backing off when I won that.....and under the table, also in the beginning of the meeting, his foot touched my leg (possibly by accident, but still curious)...and the whole jumping up to look down the hall? Totally out of paranoia, as if he felt like he was doing something wrong.
A week or two after that I tried this thing where I told everyone in the hall before class i was getting random opinions for a book im writing about people's top 5 - the top 5 famous people they would go with if they met them randomly, of the opposite gender, so you could say for example Brad Pitt, Johnny Depp (wouldnt those be a given though?) and some classmates participated....and I of course had the balls to try this on Professor Crush too, thats the whole reason I wanted to do it really and after he unlocked the door and we were coming inside, he sat down this things and went to erase the board. I said to him, "Hey (Crush - said his last name, didn't say "Dr." or "Professor") and he corrected me on how I pronounce his name (he said "It's ____"). I giggled playfully and asked, "Who would be your top 5?" He asked what I meant and I explained the rules as he came back to his teacher desk and was going through papers (Oh and my sister also told me to say "And if you're taken your current couldn't say anything about it" - and I said that to him) and he smirked and shook his head and he totally did NOT want to give me an answer, but he played me off with laughter and so did I with him, it was worth a shot, and I was mostly doing it to see his reaction.
The last weekend in March our school was holding a Liberal Arts conference. None of the professors speaking at it (and that's mostly all it was) had apparently told their classes they were gonna speak, hence why no one came, it was sad, although students/anyone could attend and they were encouraged to. I went two of the three days, it was held over a Friday/Sat/Sunday thing, and that Friday they had many writing panels and so I went and took notes, and I went the second day, that saturday morning, when Prof. Crush was going to speak. It began pretty hilariously because I was sitting in my car having a Starbucks and eating a muffin before I was gonna touch up my makeup and go over there and I saw him park in the teachers' area and I totally ducked down, out of panic really, so he wouldnt think I was staring at him though my car was facing that direction where i was parked....and he didn't see me, but he was so cute fixing his hair, and I swear it was not stalking because I didnt set out to do it! haha
So anywhoo when I went in the building that morning, I was still a little early, so I stood by the wall, reading over the notes I had made at the day before on creative writing and looking over the schedule. I had a legitamate excuse cause on the same panel Prof Crush was on was someone talking about another author I'm related to. While i was standing by the wall, minding my own business, I looked up just a little and saw him come in...he didn't acknowledge me initally...he went to mingle with his collegues, greet them, make a little conversation, and note that group of colleagues was to the left of me righy by me...and then he went up to me and it went like this:
"Hey (my name)! How are you?"
"Good, How are you?"
"Good. Did you come to see me speak?"
"Yes, and also there's going to be someone speaking on (author I'm related to), and I'm actually related to him so im very interested in that."
"He's gonna be much more interesting than me!" he laughed
and I flirted back a little "Oh, I doubt that."
"Did you go to the conference yesterday?"
"Oh yes, they had some very interesting panels on writing and a creative writing workshop. I took a lot of notes for my own writing."
"Good! I meant to email you and tell you about that."
"That's okay."
"I'm a little confused about where im suppossed to be speaking."
"oh, have you not been in this building before?"
"no, im just still new here and i get lost kind of easy. Is it this room or that room? (he was pointing to some rooms behind him, they both look alike, just different colored seats, I explained that)
"So confusing to me!" he laughed, "Well im gonna go on in and get set up."
And I wasnt sure if he meant I could follow him or not, but being respectful that he has to get ready I sat outside the room and waited 3-5 minutes, and he came out and told me I could go in, so I did...sat 3rd row from the front...middle of it...and another professor (from another school around here I think, the one who was talking on the author I'm related to) came in and said to me "Are you one of Dr. (Crush's) students?" "Yes, sir." "He told me you were." "Oh yes sir, I'm in his Western Lit class." "Well, I'm glad you could make it." (that was about it - but Dr. Crush was excited I was there, his girlfriend was not, and he was talking to me to someone else, and maybe he could talk about me to this guy because this guy is from a completely different school)
I didnt really document too much in April....nothing really significant worth noting in my book, but I continued from time to time bringing lollipops to class (tootsie roll ones, I like the chocolate ones....i also went to the new candy store in the mall and bought some stuff there...a couple cherry ones that are red, some that are pink bubblegum) and sometimes he would stare when I had them, and fumble his words or he would try not to look at me at all....maybe because I was being a little obvious he seemed to stare at me more when I didn't have them, maybe cause he doesnt want to be caught checking me out and he's privvy that I'm doing it for him, but its funny, he's never ONCE brought it up at a meeting....and neither have I, yet....
Once when I met with him in April he did tell me about the literary magazine he advises. I told him I ran into the person who is the editor of it, who is graduating this semester. In the letter from the editor page he wrote about Prof Crush and what a wonderful job he did and how stressful it was but what a great guy he was about it. I told Prof Crush, "You must've done a great job" and he told me it was kind of complex what he had to do. He also told me that he's still looking for someone to take this guy's place, and he knows I'm interested and besides one other person (at the time) there werent many others interested in the job. I asked what it involved, it was mostly directing who does what job, checking in, etc, he explained it. He also said "I have your email address, so I'll keep you up to date. Right now we just published it and there's a lot I still have to sort through before I can start choosing an editor." At that same meeting he said he meant to e-mail me back about something but he was busy with his girlfriend all weekend and didn't get a chance. I just smiled and nodded, I didn't inquire.
I never have asked him about about her. I just kind of play it by nodding and smiling and you know, "Let him talk." My sister thinks he talks about her as a way of reminding himself not to give in. And he has a few pictures of her in his office. In Febuary there were just two, one of her and one of her and him sitting together taped on the cabinet door on his desk, and now there's another newer one of them sitting together framed in a small frame. My first impression when I saw her picture was how ordinary she looks. In this area, a lot of Southern women do seem to look alike, and she just looks like the stereotypical to me. I don't see too much competition in the looks department, as egotistical as that sounds. But I swear, my first thoughts on her picture, and have always been "God, don't I see a thousand people just like her everyday?" Also, there is (or was) a Valentine's day card there standing on a shelf on his desk, and at the last meeting I noticed a post-it that said "Thank you, hunny bunny!" with a heart. I kind of laughed to myself, he doesn't seem like a "hunny bunny" sort of guy. Fundamentally, perhaps I'm a little jealous, but I do have issues about being too close to guys, getting to know them too much, being friends with them, etc, hence why I would just like something temporary between us. Yet, at the same time he is wonderful.....but it also shows me what kind of guys are out there, and expands my perspective. So, I'm not cold about it, I don't hate her, I don't want to steal him from her forever, but one kiss or one night in bed would satisfy me. And I like the game, the teasing, the chasing. He's always unpredictable, sometimes hot, sometimes cold, and it keeps it interesting. It makes it funnier when our school's "Intimate Relations" policy specifically states there are to be no relations between professors and students "whom the professor is currently tearing or advising" and he is doing neither now that the semester has finished.
but the most significant thing i think was this last meeting i had with him on Thursday April 29....
Okay so reading all this (thank you for doing so) you get a good background on what's happened so far between us, which will help for you to see why i think it was significant....
So I found this old skirt in my closet...and part of the thin lining at the top of it was broken and i was just playing around, I thought "hmmm" and i tore it a little more, and then turned it into a halter dress (the lining that was broke was long enough to go around my neck, i tied it up so the length would be right) and tried it on, and it was short, it comes a few inches above my knees (2 or 3) but it covers everything and just comes across as a short summery halter dress, but it looks cute, and worn with my green platform wedges and a thin black longsleeve jacket thingie, it looks good, and not trashy (though its length does kinda echo posh spice to me), but I was feeling naughty and im probably not gonna come onto him as was the original plan for the end of the semester but i wanted to step up the game and show off my legs so I wore it to class XD
As always I came in the hall early, before everyone else....around 8:40 or so...people usually start gathering in the hall around 9 and he usually comes in there right at 9:20 (starts at 9:25) and one boy student came in the hall around 9 I guess, and I was listening to my mp3 player. He went in the bathroom so I was alone again and then Prof Crush comes early, and I take off my headphones and smile of course, "Hey, how are you?" he said, "Doing good." I felt dangerous so I said "Nice tie." "Thank you" was all he replied. I went in the classroom with him, he sat down his things on the teacher's desk and started erasing the board and I looked at the clock, it was around 9:15, and for the sake of conversation I said "You're a little early this morning." "Oh, yeah, my first class got out early today." "Oh. I really enjoyed the Petrarch poems, they were very beautiful." "I'm glad, we're gonna be doing some things with them today." (something like that he said) Oh well, I at least tried to make conversation.... During class he had handouts for us by Bogues and a Robert Frost poem, and for the Bogues handout he wanted someone to read aloud the main text of it and then someone to read the quotes in it, so I volunteered and he let me read the short quotes and this guy read the main text, which was a couple pages....and then he wanted someone to read part of the Robert Frost poem later, and I volunteered and of course he said "You've already read this morning, why dont we let someone else do it" and meh...
But I called my older sister, and she's really been my partner in crime on Professor Crush and being that Crush had said at the end of class that if we wanted to know our grades so far in his class we could come by his office hours and find out. His last office hours day would be that following Tuesday...so I was trying to decide which to do...wait til Tuesday or go ahead...and if I go, what all should I say....cause I want him to be interested enough in me that if I ask him out for lunch or coffee he might say yes. I want to get him curious about me, impress him somehow...so she's been writing a sitcom script and she told me she'd make a new title page (its as a pdf, she knows how to make them) and she put my name on it with hers, make it look like I've been writing it with her, then I can print that out, take it to the meeting, ask him to take it home to look over or keep for the summer and read it in his free time if he wanted and just give his opinion from a male perspective, see if it is funny or not. See, he's just a couple years younger than she is.....so I got a gameplan together somewhat and printed it out and went to meet with him...
He wasnt there when i got to his office around 1:45 (office hours are 1:35-3:30) so I waited in the hall, he had a sign up on his door saying he'd be back in 10.....so when he came back, here's how it went...
"Hey (my name), how are you?"
"Good, How are you doing?"
"Doing good. Come on in."
So I went in there, sat down my bag, he sat down at his desk, put some papers he had in his hand down on his computer desk and turned to me in his chair and asked in a pretty kind voice, "What do you need?"
"I was just curious to find out what my grade is so far." (I had the script in my hands still, bound together with a paper binder thingie holding them together)
"Okay, pull up a chair here." he said, towards his computer, and I pulled the chair up beside him, close but just polite close distance, you know...
"Okay, well so far you have a C," (I frowned a bit, he saw, and added...) "..but that doesnt include the essay B grade yet, I haven't finished grading those, or the final of course or factored in the class participation, which will help, because you participate in every class."
"Well, I do try my best, and I know I'm pretty terrible on the pop quizzes, but I've never been good at remembering things on the spot. I've just always been that way, I have to think about it first and I do the best I can but its just always been something I'm terrible at, I can't even lie on the sly."
Around this time a male student he knew walked by, guy seemed to be late 20s...maybe early 30s, around his age, and he popped in the door and was talking to him about something. I sat there and smiled and looked at both as they were having conversation, listened, didn't say anything, but Prof Crush did mention his brother to him, which I thought was at least unusual for a professor to do. When the guy left Prof Crush told me he was a student of his from his first semester here last fall. But he re-iterated and said:
"Well, I understand, and you're not the only one in the class like that...is there anything else you need?"
"Well actually, me and my sister have been writing a sitcom and we were just wondering if you could look it over over the weekend?" I sat it on the desk in front of us.
"I would, but honestly I'm just afraid I dont have the time right now."
"Oh, well that's okay."
"Yeah, I'm sorry, it's just I'm getting ready to start teaching classes over the summer, and publishing an article in June and I'd just feel uncomfortable doing that."
Just like a wolf in sheep's clothing, my eyebrows crinkled curiously when he said that (cause I wanted to know what he'd say) and I asked, "Uncomfortable? Really? Why?"
"Well I just meant I have so much going on and I wouldn't want you to think that I wasnt gonna get back to you on it. Honestly, all I do is read really, even in my spare time is read read read" (he went on about that)
"Aww no, that's totally fine, don't worry. We just wanted to get a male perspective on it."
"Maybe you could talk it over with some of your peers, show them?"
"Mmm yeah, I was just curious about your opinion." And then I moved my eyes and looked up at this pottery sculpture thingie he has and I pointed at it and smirked, "You know the past few times I've been in here I've been noticing that pottery sculpture up there, I bet there's an interesting story behind that."
"Oh, this?" he picked it up, was blowing the dust off it and turning it over, "Oh yeah, I got it from a friend of mine who was moving out of his apartment and he gave it to me, I just thought I'd put it up there, maybe it would make look a little more intellectual than I actually am." he chuckled
I chuckled too, gazed/flirted, "Nah, you're very smart."
And he showed me some handouts he just printed, told me they're on the website we use for class.
I told him "I really enjoyed the Robert Frost poem you shared with us, I grew up reading a lot of his work."
And he explained how it's similiar to Petrarch...and why he wanted to include it....
And he asked me about my handbook that I'm writing for women, I've told him a little about it before. I explained to him what me and my sister wanna do is take some topics from everyday life, things that women deal with everyday, relationships, beauty, the lot, but we want to take these subjects and encourage women to be more self-confident and really take the game and change it, re-invent how women percieve themselves and others' perceptions of them, how it should change and be more empowering and intellectual and have more substance, have women be more confident, and we want to include a whole bunch of different topics, and one of them actually is we want to incorperate literature, and I have been inspired by the stories we've read and would like to turn people on to it, encourage them to appreciate it.
So we went into a long, intricate and intellectual discussion (which i didnt think I could uphold my end of but in fact I did haha) on why and why not literature is appreciated in this generation, and what means to each of us, what he thinks of it, what i think of it, and the way a lot of people see it.
I brought up they were making a movie of Don Quixote (something we had recently read), Terry Gilliam (director of Monty Python and the Holy Grail, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, Imaginarium of Dr. Parnaussus) was writing/directing it and they want Robert Duvall to play Quixote, and we got into this convo about movies, he told me he saw "Crazy Heart" (Robert Duvall is in it too) and his girlfriend and he weren't too impressed, and so we went into that...laughed a bit..
I told him I've really enjoyed everything we've read this semester, and (okay, I HAD to, he had it coming, there's been a theme here!) that most all of them I've noticed...save for the epics, have all been very sensual.
He laughed, said "Well, I wanted to choose some stories that would give a more rounded view of ancient literature and truly I wanted everyone to appreciate it rather than just come to class or do the readings thinking 'Oh he assigned this so it must be important or significant in history in some way' but also I wanted to pick something that would get us talking, and the nature of the stories is a pretty controversial topic I thought people that age would find interesting. But really I just havent been that satisfied with the ones ive chosen, it needs something, I just don't know what."
Seeing my chance and my subliminal fishing line near me, I turned on my flirty charm, but kept it subtle. "Well there is one story in our book that I thought would've been very good too...." and I sighed as i looked to my left at the table where my bag sat (and of course his copy of our book which i pretended not to see) "..but I'm afraid I don't have my book with me, if I did I'd show you..."
"Oh, I have one." He reached over from the table, got his copy, sat back over by me and sat the book in his lap, started flipping through the table contents (its a thick book) and he asked which one it was.
(I of course was just playing, but I was convincing, I moved my chair a little closer to him) I said "Oh, I dont remember names very well...I'd know it if I saw it...
He was flipping, so I started flipping through it (while it was still in his lap, hehehe) and pointed out Aristotle.
"Ah, Aristotle would be good..." I suggested, still looking through it.
(Right then, his voice tone changed completely: he was calmer....more relaxed...a little lower, quiet tone in his voice...and I was leaning into him most of this time) and he said "Mmm, I don't really like the political writings of this time..."
I said "Mmm." and flipped through some more, suggested some other works...pointed out Chauncer....
He said "Oh, (other student - male) suggested that too, but I thought it was a bit complex for the first course..."
I picked out others randomly, said "Oh I love (so and so)!" "This would be good" etc
One of them I pointed out he said "Could tie that into Aristotle..."
And I think that was when I caught him gazing at me and I gazed back a bit, smiled, and he spoke up, putting the book away, saying something to the effect of "You know, I hope i havent your feelings..." which threw me a little bit, because he hasn't ever, and he went into how he didnt have time to read the script and he thought he had hurt my feelings before (the comment on the essay A) and I told him he never did, I laughed even a little, mostly kind of flabbergasted.
And then he said, almost just like this, "I wanted to bring this up but I couldnt really find an appropriate time to do it. I didn't want to do it in front of everyone else, but I wanted to thank you for the invitation (note: he said it with a sincere smile), but I have a lot going on that day and I'm afraid I won't be able to make it." (at a meeting about a week before as I was walking out the door I gave him an invitation to my 21st birthday party that I was having with some close friends...no one from our class...at a restaurant, it was a dice-shaped invitation in a white envelope. I said to him "Oh, and this is for you..." and he said "Oh, why thank you! and I saw him looking it over like he was about to open it, and I left right then...on purpose, so that he could think about it, and the ball would be in his court for awhile)
"Aww, that's okay."
As I started to pick up my bag and move the chair back where it was by the wall, he asked if I talked to this one professor, and asked him about creative writing classes. I told him I ran into him at the library and talked to him, he said he was one of the nicest guys he's met around here...and I flirted a little, saying he was one of the nicest too. To play it off I joked, "And I know I've been a pain the ass." and I giggled, he said "Nah, some students have, three or four give me a hard time, but you've been fine." He told me what classes he was teaching this summer and in the fall, I told him I was taking Sociology and an acting class, and he said he thinks that would be good for me, and maybe I could meet people there I could show my script to.
I told him, "Well, we just wanted a good male opinion, and I trust you." and he wasn't disturbed by that at all, and said "Well, and I want you to know, when I said I felt uncomfortable, I didn't really mean it that way, I only meant I'm afraid I wouldn't be very reliable with my schedule and everything else going on to get back with you on it." I told him not to worry, it's not a big deal at all.
And he told me he was planning for our last class he wanted to figure out some way we can sit in a circle.. We can'tt really do that in our classroom cause of the rectangle desks....and he was thinking maybe we could go outside (what's funny is I was about to suggest that before he said it) and I totally encouraged him.
He said "Don't give your hopes up but I'm gonna try, we'll see." And by this time i was standing with my bag on my shoulder....
I told him "You know I really appreciate your approach to teaching, it's so much better than most of the other professors I've had here, with the whole format of "take notes, do the test, go home" (did it as i snapped my fingers at my points)
Although he defended a little, saying "Well, everyone teaches differently, or learned how to teach differently."
I asked him if he was going to Poetica that night (it's this thing the English club does where you can come and listen and watch and recite your own poems, bad poetry, like silly poetry or good poetry, whatever) and he said he wants to but he has something going on with his girlfriend, but he's been meaning to go all semester...I told him he should, I was reciting a poem of mine....he asked what it was and I got it out and showed him, he read it, chuckled a bit and told me it was good. He said he thinks I'm on the right track....
And that was it really, I had gotten there around 1:45 and when i checked my cell when i walked downstairs it was 2:36.
When our last class day came, the weather had called for possible rain and it was cloudy outside so we ended up staying in. He ended up pulling up a chair to the middle front of the class and sat down, and had us all in order read aloud one the Carpe Diem poems (which was our last reading assignment) in the book. He said to really appreciate poetry it must be read aloud and he wanted us to. So when it was my turn I read a Shakespeare sonnet about a mistress, and I made sure to do so eloquently. I saw him smiling when I finished. After everyone in the class had read one, we had 3 left, and he read them himself. God, the way he read was so beautiful too, poetic, sensual...I savored the moment.
And when it was the day of the final exam, it was at 8am, an hour and a half earlier than our normal class period and so I of course got there early, was having a Starbucks and fixing my makeup before i went in, and saw him pull up in the teacher's parking lot, just like the Liberal Arts conference morning. I laughed, I couldn't believe that happened twice. And usually he always there ahead of us, and I wasn't even that early. But I saw him get out and he was in jeans and a black t-shirt with our school's name on it and sneakers. I couldn't believe it really because he's always wearing suits and I'm a junior, in my 3 years at that school I've never seen a professor, male or female, dress so casually. Not to mention he looked damn good in it too.
He told us we had two and a half hours to do the final, and if we did need more time he didn't have any other plans for the rest of the day and the room would be free so we could take longer on it if we needed to. He also said if we wanted to know our final exam grade we could come by his office on May 24th when he starts teaching summer classes and pick up our final papers and see how he graded them. So I kept that in the back of my mind and I took my time with the exam, even pausing to watch him from time to time, knowing this may be the last class I take with him for a while, and I may or may not see him again, especially since the days he'll be teaching are Monday and Wednesdays, and my class days will be Tuesday/Thursdays. I did notice through the vent in his desk, several times as he was sitting there he would rub his palms down his thighs towards his knees. He was busy concentrating on papers most of the time and didn't look too much at me. I finished in about an hour and a half and turned it in.
He ended up posting our final class grade the next day, and I came out making a C. Although, I have also had some serious stress going on in my life especially at my job, and I work 30 hours a week. It's where I do most of my studying usually but it's been difficult to, especially when I can only study in perfect silence and that's rare to get even at home. I know I could've done better.
I talked to my sister about all of that, and she suggested telling him about me and her going to Comic-Con in July in San Diego, and asking if he would like me to bring him back something, even notes, as there will be several different types of writing panels there and it's more than just comics, it's also movies, television, literary, and as I'm asking I could find out what his interests are, hobbies, etc, what he likes. Another friend of mine suggested I ask if he needs a research assistant, and offer to do that. What I really want to do is ask him out to coffee or lunch or something, but I know he would use the excuse of "I'm too busy" during the semesters, but I could try. I can come by his office occasionally on a Monday or Wednesday during the summer, as I can re-arrange my work hours, but I can't do that in the fall. I would like to be friends with him and I got that impression from him that he wants to be friends with me at our last meeting April 29. Total, we had about 6 meetings this whole semester. There maybe have been a couple I didn't include here, but not too much worth mentioning happened in them. I dont know if the attraction I sense from him is authentic, I don't know if he was really the one that initiated it, I dont know if I'm misreading everything, but it's like I started saying in March, too many things to be just coincidences.
So I know it may take you forever to read this, and I thank you for doing so, but I'm wondering what your opinion of all this would be? Do you think he's attracted to me? And do you think it would be okay to ask him to coffee or lunch? One or the other? Which one? And how soon should I ask? Should I occasionally drop by his office hours in the summer and see how he's doing, while I'm at the library or something? Where should it go from here? How can I be friends with him, or at least go in that direction or see if he wants to be friends? Should I get him something? Should I slip him a note under his door sometime? Some friends have suggested that but I kinda think it's a little much. I know he's a Thoreau geek, he isn't just writing about him he adores him. It's what his speech was on at the Conference. He has a quote of his on his office door too, and he's teaching an American Lit class this summer. I really don't know much about him. Any thoughts or advice at all would be most sincerely appreciated. Thank you so much!!!
He's not all that tall but he is taller than me, I'd say hes maybe 5'4, 5'5....small frame and thin but not intimidatingly thin. He does this thing where when he talks or when he's making a point in what he's saying he wrinkles his brows/face a lot, overemphasizes most of his facial expressions..its cute....he's fresh out of grad school from another state....he has reviews on ratemyprofessor from then and people HATED him, and thats why before the semester started I was fearing this class and dreading it, thinking he'd be an ass, and the first day of class I thought he was a dweeb or possibly two-faced and gonna give us hell, I thought he came off nice but he must have some alterior motive XD i seriously did! I had no idea it would go this far....
The first week of class I thought "Well..he tries to be cute, and I love nerds, but even HE looks too nerdy for me!" And that first week of class (we met twice a week) in both classes he referenced his girlfriend. So, I also thought to myself, "Besides, he has a girlfriend, off limits..." and I just wasnt attracted...and it wasnt until after we moved classrooms that i started noticing him looking at me...more than a professor should, and granted I took a semester off, granted i was just getting back into it, but I was not attracted to him...and I wasnt trying to dress up either. I was depressed about myself and refused to dress up like I used to and give into that vanity crap. Of course I ended up eating my words.
Well, in late January I came to class in a forest green turtleneck, black pants, uggs, black sweater (it was freakin cold out lol) and was not looking for anything or anyone.....and it was that class that I noticed him looking at me, right at me far more than normal....than he or any other professor ever did before...and our classroom is set up with aisles of desks on the left and right sides, with about 5 chairs for each row, and I sat on the left, 3rd from the front of the class, second seat in..so I mean there's plenty of option not to look at me, but he was...staring, as he talked, and it just bugged me, I didnt know what to make of it. I didnt even like him like that, I should've cause I love nerds but even he was too dweeb-ish to me, and I dont do dweebs haha, triple d law lol...but I talked to my older sister about it and said what the hell, test him a little bit, have it be a little project outside my studies...and research, can use it in my novel or the handbook for women im writing....so I started making little notes about what he does, I started to dress differently, I started with the schoolgirl look (button-up shirt, mini sweater tied up around the bust, skirt, heels, hair in pigtails lol), and toyed around and invented different styles, mostly concentrating on accenting my curves and the attitude I wore them with. I started bringing lollipops to class after Valentine's, figuring out what my boundaries are and sort of testing the waters a bit. It was so cute, like at first when I would bring them to class, and he'd be looking, he'd start fumbiling up his words, he'd run his fingers through his hair, rub his neck...I loved it. Around this time he would also start pointing me out special in the class... For example, when we were discussing a story we were reading, he said "and remember what (my name) said about _________" as the class was leaving. There also became a pattern of whenever he wants someone to read aloud, he would always take a glance from each side of the room, then usually look right at me to volunteer. Before he came up with a system (and a quirky one at that lol) to break people into groups he'd randomly choose people, and I would be the first name he'd call....and when he'd call upon our groups to discuss whatever, he would always pick the group I was in first. Once I was group #6 and he still called me first.
I met with him in his office Feb 9....truly my motive was just to flirt and see what hes like......but my excuse was i made one bad SAE (short analytical essay - we had 5 this semester) grade and I wanted to ask him how I could improve, and I came up with a bunch of questions, asked him his advice for creative writing at our school (which really doesn't offer much - and that's where most of my interest is). That first meeting lasted 40 minutes. Fourty minutes of us talking, of course initially about academics, but it naturally led into other things. He told me I was different than the rest of the class.. I touched him twice on his arm....he was saying something to the effect of how nervous he was that he was, trying to do a good job and I told him that he really was, and about the history professor who verbally abused the class of his I was in last year and one or two other bad professors I have dealt with. I didnt tell too many names but he still wanted to know them, when he asked who I had dealt with who was so mean to me here he asked in a "who-did-you-wrong?" tone, like protective of me almost, I was surprised because I didn't expect that, but I told him their names aren't important....and when I was insisting casually he was doing a great job I touched his arm once, he was all "nah, nah" kind of thing and I did it again and said "Really!" with a cute little flirty chuckle, and he didnt flinch or anything.
Sometime that month there was one class where we were talking about breaking down the 4th wall, like how in stories/movies characters talk to the audience in the middle of a scene, I joked "This is so 90s of me but like Zach Morris?" and he matched my comparison with Ferris Bueller, one of his generation, which I thought was really cute, cause hes like early 30s and I'm in my early 20s.
I would make small conversation with him from time to time, like before the snowstorm we had here that month, because he was new here and hadn't experienced a winter like we usually get, I warned him that people here in the south do not know how to drive in the snow and they cannot handle it, its pathetic, etc, and he laughed with me about it as we walked out of class. I have this habit of always telling people "Take care" when I said goodbye and I said that to him, he looked back at me and said "You too."
Somewhere around this time, still in Febuary, he cut his hair. I dont know if it's significant but I do know when men are attracted to other women they do shit like that, like get a new haircut or whatever. And no, I didn't say anything about his haircut before he did, but I think I complimented him when he first came to class after it.
I met with him again Feb 18 to go over what I had chosen to write about for our first essay (we had two major ones). I wasn't sure if the ideas I had in mind would work, so I was legitimately meeting him to see if I was on the right track. I came around the first part of his office hours. His door was open like usual and he was meeting with another girl, so I waited out in the hall, away from the doorway so I wasn't rude or seeming like he needed to rush. This wasn't relavant to me at first, but he was sitting with a distance away from the girl, a polite amount of space. When this girl was leaving he got up to look in his doorway and saw me standing in the hall and invited me in. After I sat down he sat RIGHT beside me....and note his office is small...it has a corner desk on the left, a table behind it, an old spare wooden chair along the wall to the right of it, then a bookcase and another chair he throws his jacket on. I sat in the chair by the table and he pulled up his desk chair, sitting right beside me. Like, I could smell his breath kind of close. I scratched my leg and felt his pants on the back side of my hand. It took all I had to not go for him right then, I swear. I wanted to growl at that door being open. I was fucking white-knuckiling it....
For the entire duration of being his student, he would constantly mimic my body language. He did this about as much as he would look at me. In class I could be playing with a necklace or the side of my shirt, pretend I was about to unbutton the top button, etc. I showed off cleavage often. If I was touching my necklace or the side of my shirt, he ALWAYS would starts to hold the side of his jacket as he was talking, run his fingers through his hair, etc. It was just laughable how much he did that especially towards the end of the semester.
There was one day in early March when I was purely fucking charmed. It was weird, I kept running into all these people I know or used to know, all in one day. I was in the library after my other class that afternoon with one of my girlfriends. I swear I saw so many people...then who would've came out last off the elevator except Professor Crush himself, putting on his jacket as he was walking out, by that time the whole thing was just laughable and I smirked and waved at him, he said "Hey" and smiled, and went on his way.. It was also after his office hours too so i was surprised, he teaches his first class at 8am and likes to leave around 3:30pm, and it was after four or so that day, and typically he likes to get out of there as soon as possible. Can't blame him, it wears thin on me to be at school all freakin day too.
On the day of our midterm (our first exam, we only had two, the midterm and the final), like always, we were waiting in the hall for him to come and unlock the door. I remember I wore a guns n roses t-shirt I cut the neck and part of the sleeves off so it hangs off my shoulders, and a black bo-ho skirt and black stilletoes I had found that weekend before..anywhoo, everyone came in, and I was sitting down. After sorting out the papers he was glancing around the room at everyone coming in, and he saw me and looked at me for a moment, smiled and said "Hey." to me exclusively. Note he didn't do that to anyone else in the class the entire semester. One of the students in our class, a guy a little older than me, was talking about some exams in his other class, and how horrible this one history professor was. The worst professor I've dealt with so far was from history (actually both professors I had for history were bad) and I agreed and added how dissapointing it was when I was anxious to take some interesting history classes when I came here. Professor Crush chimed in and added, "Oh you should see my grades on ratemyprofessor from the school I was at before. It's terrible." I told him he wasn't that bad, and the other student guy continued, and they got to talking and I forget specifically what all was said but we all got to laughing.
I emailed him that night just asking when we'd get our first essay grade back, cause by that point it had been a week or two since we turned it in, and some other classmates and I had thought we'd get our grade back that day. Also that same week, the class before the midterm, he made up his own evaluation for us to do for him, just to see how he's doing, what he needs to improve, etc. So I thought about that and then also what he said before the exam and I could sense at least some level of insecurity behind the way he said it and was playing it off, so when I emailed asking about the first essay grade, at the end I added:
"And by the way, don't even worry about how you're doing as a professor--as someone who has experienced the best of the best and the worst, absolute borderline-abusive, pathetic excuses for teachers at this school, you've really done a great job and I know others in our class who agree. And in my opinion, you're definately in my top 3, and there aren't enough professors that teach as well as you do at this school.
Thanks and have a good weekend!
(my name)"
to which he replied:
Dear (my name),
Thanks for the kind words! I hope to have your paper back to you on either Tuesday or Thursday of next week. The midterms you may not get until after Spring Break.
Sincerely,
(Professor Crush)
(he always says "dear," and "sincerely," lol)
and you know what he did after? 2 hours after he emailed me back that, he cut out one of our assigned readings:
Dear all,
I wanted to e-mail you all and let you know that I'm cutting back on the reading assignment for next Tuesday (March 9). Please do read all of the selections by (so and so), but do NOT read all of the section on Medieval Lyrics. I may bring up a few of these short lyrics if there is time (or on other days this semester), but I think we'll be busy enough--so please do not read that entire long section right now.
Sincerely,
(Professor Crush)
Then also the next class day he brought both the essay A grade and our midterm grade! It was then that I realized PART of what the other students wrote about him at his other school on ratemyprofessor was true; he grades like an asshole. And I had worked hard on this paper and really stressed over it and the directions for his papers are SO vague...and I didn't get back a very good grade, and he had told us if we wanted to re-write it we could, only not that day that he gave us the grade. Which was probably best because I was pissed from working hard on it, but whatever. The next class day I met with him over the grade I got (thought I could re-write it then he told me cant rewrite a "C" paper) and also over a comment he made on it (he emails us our grades and adds comments on our papers, and his first comment on it was that he "can tell I'm going to muddy it up but [he's] willing to follow me"). Though I took it like a real writer would and told him I appreciate re-writing (he was surprised), I didnt understand why he said that and it seemed he was judging the paper before he had a chance to read it (the comment was in like the second paragraph of the paper). I told him it was a bit discouraging, he apologized and said (what I thought seemed a little fishy to me, as if he did this on purpose so I would see him, could just be me) "I knew we'd be having this conversation." and we talked about the paper, I explained how hard I worked on it, and he understood....from there I told him I'm a writer, I told him about what I'm writing/working on and there aren't very many creative writing classes here and I asked basically what I could do to get the most out of my education here, etc. He told me and re-iterated a lot that he's still new and doesnt know many people, but he knew some, and gave me their names....and he told me he's an advisor of our school's literary magazine (students submit poems, short stories, lyrics, photography, etc and they put it together for an annual issue) but he doesn't do too much work on it, he said he was just as a grammatical person really, he downplayed it a lot. I told him I'm considering writing again for our school's newspaper and I'd like to apply for the literary magazine....and actually he told me what a small, and really exclusive thing it is to work there, like its just less than 5 people on the whole team. There's the editor, Prof. Crush does the grammatical checks on it...and they werent taking applications then but he did say I could submit poems for it or something....but he didn't tell me how. Anywhoo, when I thought the meeting was kinda wrapping up and I was putting my essay back in my folder and putting the folder in my bag I caught him glancing in it (i carry an oversized victoria's secret bag as my schoolbag) as if he was curious whats in there, I didnt say anything but I saw his eyes glancing...and then, I swear, almost like to keep me around he brought up the exam and the grade (I didnt do that good but of course I tried the best I knew how) and I got it out and he went over it with me, re-calculated my grade in his head in front of me to make sure he got it right and one thing I did was I didnt follow the directions where he said "pick this many per catagory and answer that" but he said about 3-4 other people overlooked that too so I wasnt the only one, and it was weird when he was explaining it, cause it was like he was trying to say basically "I did the best I could for you, I couldn't absolutely give you the grade I wanted to give you cause that wouldnt be fair" and after we went over all that, and he went through every single question (I nodded, asked a question here or there, etc), out of nowhere he jumped up as if there was a fire (like serious, startled me a little) and he started looking back and forth down the hall outside his door and he said "Sorry, I just wanted to be sure there arent any other students waiting out in the hall" (btw the door was completely open the entire time) and he said as he was coming to sit back down something to the effect of "Sorry, I'm not trying to cut this short or anything" and I just smiled my little smile and chuckled "oh its fine" and got my bag on my shoulder and stood up, and he pulled up on the school's website a picture of some poet lady to talk to about writing programs and i thanked him, said i remember faces better than names and touched his shoulder, told him to have a good spring break and he said "You too" kind of quietly and I left....
His body language spoke volumes....initially, when I was talking about the comment he made, he was propping his head up on the table with his fist as he listened to me, which means he was trying to dominate me, but he ended up backing off when I won that.....and under the table, also in the beginning of the meeting, his foot touched my leg (possibly by accident, but still curious)...and the whole jumping up to look down the hall? Totally out of paranoia, as if he felt like he was doing something wrong.
A week or two after that I tried this thing where I told everyone in the hall before class i was getting random opinions for a book im writing about people's top 5 - the top 5 famous people they would go with if they met them randomly, of the opposite gender, so you could say for example Brad Pitt, Johnny Depp (wouldnt those be a given though?) and some classmates participated....and I of course had the balls to try this on Professor Crush too, thats the whole reason I wanted to do it really and after he unlocked the door and we were coming inside, he sat down this things and went to erase the board. I said to him, "Hey (Crush - said his last name, didn't say "Dr." or "Professor") and he corrected me on how I pronounce his name (he said "It's ____"). I giggled playfully and asked, "Who would be your top 5?" He asked what I meant and I explained the rules as he came back to his teacher desk and was going through papers (Oh and my sister also told me to say "And if you're taken your current couldn't say anything about it" - and I said that to him) and he smirked and shook his head and he totally did NOT want to give me an answer, but he played me off with laughter and so did I with him, it was worth a shot, and I was mostly doing it to see his reaction.
The last weekend in March our school was holding a Liberal Arts conference. None of the professors speaking at it (and that's mostly all it was) had apparently told their classes they were gonna speak, hence why no one came, it was sad, although students/anyone could attend and they were encouraged to. I went two of the three days, it was held over a Friday/Sat/Sunday thing, and that Friday they had many writing panels and so I went and took notes, and I went the second day, that saturday morning, when Prof. Crush was going to speak. It began pretty hilariously because I was sitting in my car having a Starbucks and eating a muffin before I was gonna touch up my makeup and go over there and I saw him park in the teachers' area and I totally ducked down, out of panic really, so he wouldnt think I was staring at him though my car was facing that direction where i was parked....and he didn't see me, but he was so cute fixing his hair, and I swear it was not stalking because I didnt set out to do it! haha
So anywhoo when I went in the building that morning, I was still a little early, so I stood by the wall, reading over the notes I had made at the day before on creative writing and looking over the schedule. I had a legitamate excuse cause on the same panel Prof Crush was on was someone talking about another author I'm related to. While i was standing by the wall, minding my own business, I looked up just a little and saw him come in...he didn't acknowledge me initally...he went to mingle with his collegues, greet them, make a little conversation, and note that group of colleagues was to the left of me righy by me...and then he went up to me and it went like this:
"Hey (my name)! How are you?"
"Good, How are you?"
"Good. Did you come to see me speak?"
"Yes, and also there's going to be someone speaking on (author I'm related to), and I'm actually related to him so im very interested in that."
"He's gonna be much more interesting than me!" he laughed
and I flirted back a little "Oh, I doubt that."
"Did you go to the conference yesterday?"
"Oh yes, they had some very interesting panels on writing and a creative writing workshop. I took a lot of notes for my own writing."
"Good! I meant to email you and tell you about that."
"That's okay."
"I'm a little confused about where im suppossed to be speaking."
"oh, have you not been in this building before?"
"no, im just still new here and i get lost kind of easy. Is it this room or that room? (he was pointing to some rooms behind him, they both look alike, just different colored seats, I explained that)
"So confusing to me!" he laughed, "Well im gonna go on in and get set up."
And I wasnt sure if he meant I could follow him or not, but being respectful that he has to get ready I sat outside the room and waited 3-5 minutes, and he came out and told me I could go in, so I did...sat 3rd row from the front...middle of it...and another professor (from another school around here I think, the one who was talking on the author I'm related to) came in and said to me "Are you one of Dr. (Crush's) students?" "Yes, sir." "He told me you were." "Oh yes sir, I'm in his Western Lit class." "Well, I'm glad you could make it." (that was about it - but Dr. Crush was excited I was there, his girlfriend was not, and he was talking to me to someone else, and maybe he could talk about me to this guy because this guy is from a completely different school)
I didnt really document too much in April....nothing really significant worth noting in my book, but I continued from time to time bringing lollipops to class (tootsie roll ones, I like the chocolate ones....i also went to the new candy store in the mall and bought some stuff there...a couple cherry ones that are red, some that are pink bubblegum) and sometimes he would stare when I had them, and fumble his words or he would try not to look at me at all....maybe because I was being a little obvious he seemed to stare at me more when I didn't have them, maybe cause he doesnt want to be caught checking me out and he's privvy that I'm doing it for him, but its funny, he's never ONCE brought it up at a meeting....and neither have I, yet....
Once when I met with him in April he did tell me about the literary magazine he advises. I told him I ran into the person who is the editor of it, who is graduating this semester. In the letter from the editor page he wrote about Prof Crush and what a wonderful job he did and how stressful it was but what a great guy he was about it. I told Prof Crush, "You must've done a great job" and he told me it was kind of complex what he had to do. He also told me that he's still looking for someone to take this guy's place, and he knows I'm interested and besides one other person (at the time) there werent many others interested in the job. I asked what it involved, it was mostly directing who does what job, checking in, etc, he explained it. He also said "I have your email address, so I'll keep you up to date. Right now we just published it and there's a lot I still have to sort through before I can start choosing an editor." At that same meeting he said he meant to e-mail me back about something but he was busy with his girlfriend all weekend and didn't get a chance. I just smiled and nodded, I didn't inquire.
I never have asked him about about her. I just kind of play it by nodding and smiling and you know, "Let him talk." My sister thinks he talks about her as a way of reminding himself not to give in. And he has a few pictures of her in his office. In Febuary there were just two, one of her and one of her and him sitting together taped on the cabinet door on his desk, and now there's another newer one of them sitting together framed in a small frame. My first impression when I saw her picture was how ordinary she looks. In this area, a lot of Southern women do seem to look alike, and she just looks like the stereotypical to me. I don't see too much competition in the looks department, as egotistical as that sounds. But I swear, my first thoughts on her picture, and have always been "God, don't I see a thousand people just like her everyday?" Also, there is (or was) a Valentine's day card there standing on a shelf on his desk, and at the last meeting I noticed a post-it that said "Thank you, hunny bunny!" with a heart. I kind of laughed to myself, he doesn't seem like a "hunny bunny" sort of guy. Fundamentally, perhaps I'm a little jealous, but I do have issues about being too close to guys, getting to know them too much, being friends with them, etc, hence why I would just like something temporary between us. Yet, at the same time he is wonderful.....but it also shows me what kind of guys are out there, and expands my perspective. So, I'm not cold about it, I don't hate her, I don't want to steal him from her forever, but one kiss or one night in bed would satisfy me. And I like the game, the teasing, the chasing. He's always unpredictable, sometimes hot, sometimes cold, and it keeps it interesting. It makes it funnier when our school's "Intimate Relations" policy specifically states there are to be no relations between professors and students "whom the professor is currently tearing or advising" and he is doing neither now that the semester has finished.
but the most significant thing i think was this last meeting i had with him on Thursday April 29....
Okay so reading all this (thank you for doing so) you get a good background on what's happened so far between us, which will help for you to see why i think it was significant....
So I found this old skirt in my closet...and part of the thin lining at the top of it was broken and i was just playing around, I thought "hmmm" and i tore it a little more, and then turned it into a halter dress (the lining that was broke was long enough to go around my neck, i tied it up so the length would be right) and tried it on, and it was short, it comes a few inches above my knees (2 or 3) but it covers everything and just comes across as a short summery halter dress, but it looks cute, and worn with my green platform wedges and a thin black longsleeve jacket thingie, it looks good, and not trashy (though its length does kinda echo posh spice to me), but I was feeling naughty and im probably not gonna come onto him as was the original plan for the end of the semester but i wanted to step up the game and show off my legs so I wore it to class XD
As always I came in the hall early, before everyone else....around 8:40 or so...people usually start gathering in the hall around 9 and he usually comes in there right at 9:20 (starts at 9:25) and one boy student came in the hall around 9 I guess, and I was listening to my mp3 player. He went in the bathroom so I was alone again and then Prof Crush comes early, and I take off my headphones and smile of course, "Hey, how are you?" he said, "Doing good." I felt dangerous so I said "Nice tie." "Thank you" was all he replied. I went in the classroom with him, he sat down his things on the teacher's desk and started erasing the board and I looked at the clock, it was around 9:15, and for the sake of conversation I said "You're a little early this morning." "Oh, yeah, my first class got out early today." "Oh. I really enjoyed the Petrarch poems, they were very beautiful." "I'm glad, we're gonna be doing some things with them today." (something like that he said) Oh well, I at least tried to make conversation.... During class he had handouts for us by Bogues and a Robert Frost poem, and for the Bogues handout he wanted someone to read aloud the main text of it and then someone to read the quotes in it, so I volunteered and he let me read the short quotes and this guy read the main text, which was a couple pages....and then he wanted someone to read part of the Robert Frost poem later, and I volunteered and of course he said "You've already read this morning, why dont we let someone else do it" and meh...
But I called my older sister, and she's really been my partner in crime on Professor Crush and being that Crush had said at the end of class that if we wanted to know our grades so far in his class we could come by his office hours and find out. His last office hours day would be that following Tuesday...so I was trying to decide which to do...wait til Tuesday or go ahead...and if I go, what all should I say....cause I want him to be interested enough in me that if I ask him out for lunch or coffee he might say yes. I want to get him curious about me, impress him somehow...so she's been writing a sitcom script and she told me she'd make a new title page (its as a pdf, she knows how to make them) and she put my name on it with hers, make it look like I've been writing it with her, then I can print that out, take it to the meeting, ask him to take it home to look over or keep for the summer and read it in his free time if he wanted and just give his opinion from a male perspective, see if it is funny or not. See, he's just a couple years younger than she is.....so I got a gameplan together somewhat and printed it out and went to meet with him...
He wasnt there when i got to his office around 1:45 (office hours are 1:35-3:30) so I waited in the hall, he had a sign up on his door saying he'd be back in 10.....so when he came back, here's how it went...
"Hey (my name), how are you?"
"Good, How are you doing?"
"Doing good. Come on in."
So I went in there, sat down my bag, he sat down at his desk, put some papers he had in his hand down on his computer desk and turned to me in his chair and asked in a pretty kind voice, "What do you need?"
"I was just curious to find out what my grade is so far." (I had the script in my hands still, bound together with a paper binder thingie holding them together)
"Okay, pull up a chair here." he said, towards his computer, and I pulled the chair up beside him, close but just polite close distance, you know...
"Okay, well so far you have a C," (I frowned a bit, he saw, and added...) "..but that doesnt include the essay B grade yet, I haven't finished grading those, or the final of course or factored in the class participation, which will help, because you participate in every class."
"Well, I do try my best, and I know I'm pretty terrible on the pop quizzes, but I've never been good at remembering things on the spot. I've just always been that way, I have to think about it first and I do the best I can but its just always been something I'm terrible at, I can't even lie on the sly."
Around this time a male student he knew walked by, guy seemed to be late 20s...maybe early 30s, around his age, and he popped in the door and was talking to him about something. I sat there and smiled and looked at both as they were having conversation, listened, didn't say anything, but Prof Crush did mention his brother to him, which I thought was at least unusual for a professor to do. When the guy left Prof Crush told me he was a student of his from his first semester here last fall. But he re-iterated and said:
"Well, I understand, and you're not the only one in the class like that...is there anything else you need?"
"Well actually, me and my sister have been writing a sitcom and we were just wondering if you could look it over over the weekend?" I sat it on the desk in front of us.
"I would, but honestly I'm just afraid I dont have the time right now."
"Oh, well that's okay."
"Yeah, I'm sorry, it's just I'm getting ready to start teaching classes over the summer, and publishing an article in June and I'd just feel uncomfortable doing that."
Just like a wolf in sheep's clothing, my eyebrows crinkled curiously when he said that (cause I wanted to know what he'd say) and I asked, "Uncomfortable? Really? Why?"
"Well I just meant I have so much going on and I wouldn't want you to think that I wasnt gonna get back to you on it. Honestly, all I do is read really, even in my spare time is read read read" (he went on about that)
"Aww no, that's totally fine, don't worry. We just wanted to get a male perspective on it."
"Maybe you could talk it over with some of your peers, show them?"
"Mmm yeah, I was just curious about your opinion." And then I moved my eyes and looked up at this pottery sculpture thingie he has and I pointed at it and smirked, "You know the past few times I've been in here I've been noticing that pottery sculpture up there, I bet there's an interesting story behind that."
"Oh, this?" he picked it up, was blowing the dust off it and turning it over, "Oh yeah, I got it from a friend of mine who was moving out of his apartment and he gave it to me, I just thought I'd put it up there, maybe it would make look a little more intellectual than I actually am." he chuckled
I chuckled too, gazed/flirted, "Nah, you're very smart."
And he showed me some handouts he just printed, told me they're on the website we use for class.
I told him "I really enjoyed the Robert Frost poem you shared with us, I grew up reading a lot of his work."
And he explained how it's similiar to Petrarch...and why he wanted to include it....
And he asked me about my handbook that I'm writing for women, I've told him a little about it before. I explained to him what me and my sister wanna do is take some topics from everyday life, things that women deal with everyday, relationships, beauty, the lot, but we want to take these subjects and encourage women to be more self-confident and really take the game and change it, re-invent how women percieve themselves and others' perceptions of them, how it should change and be more empowering and intellectual and have more substance, have women be more confident, and we want to include a whole bunch of different topics, and one of them actually is we want to incorperate literature, and I have been inspired by the stories we've read and would like to turn people on to it, encourage them to appreciate it.
So we went into a long, intricate and intellectual discussion (which i didnt think I could uphold my end of but in fact I did haha) on why and why not literature is appreciated in this generation, and what means to each of us, what he thinks of it, what i think of it, and the way a lot of people see it.
I brought up they were making a movie of Don Quixote (something we had recently read), Terry Gilliam (director of Monty Python and the Holy Grail, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, Imaginarium of Dr. Parnaussus) was writing/directing it and they want Robert Duvall to play Quixote, and we got into this convo about movies, he told me he saw "Crazy Heart" (Robert Duvall is in it too) and his girlfriend and he weren't too impressed, and so we went into that...laughed a bit..
I told him I've really enjoyed everything we've read this semester, and (okay, I HAD to, he had it coming, there's been a theme here!) that most all of them I've noticed...save for the epics, have all been very sensual.
He laughed, said "Well, I wanted to choose some stories that would give a more rounded view of ancient literature and truly I wanted everyone to appreciate it rather than just come to class or do the readings thinking 'Oh he assigned this so it must be important or significant in history in some way' but also I wanted to pick something that would get us talking, and the nature of the stories is a pretty controversial topic I thought people that age would find interesting. But really I just havent been that satisfied with the ones ive chosen, it needs something, I just don't know what."
Seeing my chance and my subliminal fishing line near me, I turned on my flirty charm, but kept it subtle. "Well there is one story in our book that I thought would've been very good too...." and I sighed as i looked to my left at the table where my bag sat (and of course his copy of our book which i pretended not to see) "..but I'm afraid I don't have my book with me, if I did I'd show you..."
"Oh, I have one." He reached over from the table, got his copy, sat back over by me and sat the book in his lap, started flipping through the table contents (its a thick book) and he asked which one it was.
(I of course was just playing, but I was convincing, I moved my chair a little closer to him) I said "Oh, I dont remember names very well...I'd know it if I saw it...
He was flipping, so I started flipping through it (while it was still in his lap, hehehe) and pointed out Aristotle.
"Ah, Aristotle would be good..." I suggested, still looking through it.
(Right then, his voice tone changed completely: he was calmer....more relaxed...a little lower, quiet tone in his voice...and I was leaning into him most of this time) and he said "Mmm, I don't really like the political writings of this time..."
I said "Mmm." and flipped through some more, suggested some other works...pointed out Chauncer....
He said "Oh, (other student - male) suggested that too, but I thought it was a bit complex for the first course..."
I picked out others randomly, said "Oh I love (so and so)!" "This would be good" etc
One of them I pointed out he said "Could tie that into Aristotle..."
And I think that was when I caught him gazing at me and I gazed back a bit, smiled, and he spoke up, putting the book away, saying something to the effect of "You know, I hope i havent your feelings..." which threw me a little bit, because he hasn't ever, and he went into how he didnt have time to read the script and he thought he had hurt my feelings before (the comment on the essay A) and I told him he never did, I laughed even a little, mostly kind of flabbergasted.
And then he said, almost just like this, "I wanted to bring this up but I couldnt really find an appropriate time to do it. I didn't want to do it in front of everyone else, but I wanted to thank you for the invitation (note: he said it with a sincere smile), but I have a lot going on that day and I'm afraid I won't be able to make it." (at a meeting about a week before as I was walking out the door I gave him an invitation to my 21st birthday party that I was having with some close friends...no one from our class...at a restaurant, it was a dice-shaped invitation in a white envelope. I said to him "Oh, and this is for you..." and he said "Oh, why thank you! and I saw him looking it over like he was about to open it, and I left right then...on purpose, so that he could think about it, and the ball would be in his court for awhile)
"Aww, that's okay."
As I started to pick up my bag and move the chair back where it was by the wall, he asked if I talked to this one professor, and asked him about creative writing classes. I told him I ran into him at the library and talked to him, he said he was one of the nicest guys he's met around here...and I flirted a little, saying he was one of the nicest too. To play it off I joked, "And I know I've been a pain the ass." and I giggled, he said "Nah, some students have, three or four give me a hard time, but you've been fine." He told me what classes he was teaching this summer and in the fall, I told him I was taking Sociology and an acting class, and he said he thinks that would be good for me, and maybe I could meet people there I could show my script to.
I told him, "Well, we just wanted a good male opinion, and I trust you." and he wasn't disturbed by that at all, and said "Well, and I want you to know, when I said I felt uncomfortable, I didn't really mean it that way, I only meant I'm afraid I wouldn't be very reliable with my schedule and everything else going on to get back with you on it." I told him not to worry, it's not a big deal at all.
And he told me he was planning for our last class he wanted to figure out some way we can sit in a circle.. We can'tt really do that in our classroom cause of the rectangle desks....and he was thinking maybe we could go outside (what's funny is I was about to suggest that before he said it) and I totally encouraged him.
He said "Don't give your hopes up but I'm gonna try, we'll see." And by this time i was standing with my bag on my shoulder....
I told him "You know I really appreciate your approach to teaching, it's so much better than most of the other professors I've had here, with the whole format of "take notes, do the test, go home" (did it as i snapped my fingers at my points)
Although he defended a little, saying "Well, everyone teaches differently, or learned how to teach differently."
I asked him if he was going to Poetica that night (it's this thing the English club does where you can come and listen and watch and recite your own poems, bad poetry, like silly poetry or good poetry, whatever) and he said he wants to but he has something going on with his girlfriend, but he's been meaning to go all semester...I told him he should, I was reciting a poem of mine....he asked what it was and I got it out and showed him, he read it, chuckled a bit and told me it was good. He said he thinks I'm on the right track....
And that was it really, I had gotten there around 1:45 and when i checked my cell when i walked downstairs it was 2:36.
When our last class day came, the weather had called for possible rain and it was cloudy outside so we ended up staying in. He ended up pulling up a chair to the middle front of the class and sat down, and had us all in order read aloud one the Carpe Diem poems (which was our last reading assignment) in the book. He said to really appreciate poetry it must be read aloud and he wanted us to. So when it was my turn I read a Shakespeare sonnet about a mistress, and I made sure to do so eloquently. I saw him smiling when I finished. After everyone in the class had read one, we had 3 left, and he read them himself. God, the way he read was so beautiful too, poetic, sensual...I savored the moment.
And when it was the day of the final exam, it was at 8am, an hour and a half earlier than our normal class period and so I of course got there early, was having a Starbucks and fixing my makeup before i went in, and saw him pull up in the teacher's parking lot, just like the Liberal Arts conference morning. I laughed, I couldn't believe that happened twice. And usually he always there ahead of us, and I wasn't even that early. But I saw him get out and he was in jeans and a black t-shirt with our school's name on it and sneakers. I couldn't believe it really because he's always wearing suits and I'm a junior, in my 3 years at that school I've never seen a professor, male or female, dress so casually. Not to mention he looked damn good in it too.
He told us we had two and a half hours to do the final, and if we did need more time he didn't have any other plans for the rest of the day and the room would be free so we could take longer on it if we needed to. He also said if we wanted to know our final exam grade we could come by his office on May 24th when he starts teaching summer classes and pick up our final papers and see how he graded them. So I kept that in the back of my mind and I took my time with the exam, even pausing to watch him from time to time, knowing this may be the last class I take with him for a while, and I may or may not see him again, especially since the days he'll be teaching are Monday and Wednesdays, and my class days will be Tuesday/Thursdays. I did notice through the vent in his desk, several times as he was sitting there he would rub his palms down his thighs towards his knees. He was busy concentrating on papers most of the time and didn't look too much at me. I finished in about an hour and a half and turned it in.
He ended up posting our final class grade the next day, and I came out making a C. Although, I have also had some serious stress going on in my life especially at my job, and I work 30 hours a week. It's where I do most of my studying usually but it's been difficult to, especially when I can only study in perfect silence and that's rare to get even at home. I know I could've done better.
I talked to my sister about all of that, and she suggested telling him about me and her going to Comic-Con in July in San Diego, and asking if he would like me to bring him back something, even notes, as there will be several different types of writing panels there and it's more than just comics, it's also movies, television, literary, and as I'm asking I could find out what his interests are, hobbies, etc, what he likes. Another friend of mine suggested I ask if he needs a research assistant, and offer to do that. What I really want to do is ask him out to coffee or lunch or something, but I know he would use the excuse of "I'm too busy" during the semesters, but I could try. I can come by his office occasionally on a Monday or Wednesday during the summer, as I can re-arrange my work hours, but I can't do that in the fall. I would like to be friends with him and I got that impression from him that he wants to be friends with me at our last meeting April 29. Total, we had about 6 meetings this whole semester. There maybe have been a couple I didn't include here, but not too much worth mentioning happened in them. I dont know if the attraction I sense from him is authentic, I don't know if he was really the one that initiated it, I dont know if I'm misreading everything, but it's like I started saying in March, too many things to be just coincidences.
So I know it may take you forever to read this, and I thank you for doing so, but I'm wondering what your opinion of all this would be? Do you think he's attracted to me? And do you think it would be okay to ask him to coffee or lunch? One or the other? Which one? And how soon should I ask? Should I occasionally drop by his office hours in the summer and see how he's doing, while I'm at the library or something? Where should it go from here? How can I be friends with him, or at least go in that direction or see if he wants to be friends? Should I get him something? Should I slip him a note under his door sometime? Some friends have suggested that but I kinda think it's a little much. I know he's a Thoreau geek, he isn't just writing about him he adores him. It's what his speech was on at the Conference. He has a quote of his on his office door too, and he's teaching an American Lit class this summer. I really don't know much about him. Any thoughts or advice at all would be most sincerely appreciated. Thank you so much!!!