Let's Play Homestuck
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Act 5 Act 2: He Is Already Here.
Part 8: Revenge of Fruity Rumpus Asshole Factory
Link back to comic: Page 2841
Immediately following a duel of deliriously bizznasty proportions...
[S] Jade: Wake up.
You suddenly understand jack shit.
-- cuttlefishCuller [CC] began trolling gardenGnostic [GG] --
CC: S-E-E??
CC: T)(ere is not)(ing to worry about at all.
GG: bluhhh what are you talking about....
GG: just stop it, stop trolling me
GG: i hate you all!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CC: )(oly mackerel, looks like SOM-EON-E woke up on t)(e wrong side of t)(e absurd )(uman bed!
CC: C)(ill out, Jade. I am just following up on w)(at I told you earlier.
CC: About your dream! Your post-dreamdeat)( dreamself's dream.
GG: my dream was horrible!!!
GG: i dont know what that was, i have never dreamed anything like it
CC: Yes, I imagine not! You )(ave spent your w)(ole life dreaming about prospit, no?
GG: prospit :(
GG: is it really gone?
CC: Our moons are gone too. If we wis)( to sleep now, our dreams must take place in t)(e bubbles glubbed by t)(e gods w)(o live in t)(e Furt)(est Ring.
CC: Its lords are our slumberbuddies now. 38)
CC: Don't you remember our dream? I was trying to s)(ow you t)(at t)(ere is not)(ing to fear.
GG: that was you?
CC: )(ELL YEA)(! 38D
GG: argh
GG: sorry but
GG: could you please
GG: not use all those stupid parentheses??????
GG: i can hardly read what you type and its giving me a migraine
CC: GLUUUUB oh fine.
CC: I hereby renounce the royal mark of sea dweller supremacy in the interest of INT-ERSP-ECI-ES DIPLOMACY.
GG: what about the -E thing, can you stop that too? it is also annoying and stupid
CC: JEGUS JADE.
CC: Okay, you win. I have officially humbled myself before you. Entirely glubbing peasant-IFICATED for your pleasure.
GG: ok, sorry for sounding bossy
GG: you seem pretty nice, and you sure do look exotic
GG: i kind of always thought you were all like
GG: a bunch of really obnoxious humans
CC: For the record, you look pretty awesomely weird too.
CC: I introduced myself before, but since you do not remember, I will do so now. My name is Feferi, and I was going to be the Empress, but now I am not!
GG: hey feferi, i would like to remember......
GG: but everything is so foggy right now
CC: Hell if I know!
CC: In your pre-death dream at least. Oh, well you died obviously, so there's that.
GG: yeah, i gathered that! XC
CC: All I could see was what happened in your hive.
CC: You were asleep, and then your robot exploded.
GG: ohhhhhhh!!!!!
GG: i do remember you!
GG: i remember you were talking to me about my lusus, and i had no idea what you were talking about
GG: but you must mean bec
GG: also it was shortly before your friend sent me a weird message
GG: about how my robot was going to explode, and i should talk to him when it happens
CC: Oh? Who was that?
GG: i am so sick of him, i really dont want to talk to that pathetic jerk ever
CC: Ah, Karkat. Of course.
CC: He's our leader. Why did he want you to talk to him?
GG: hmmmm
GG: thats right, it was about some kind of plan...
GG: which he said me from the future told him about?
CC: He's pretty harmless, really. You get used to his yelling.
CC: I do not even process it as yelling anymore. More like a lot of blubbering.
CC: Anyway, go talk to your shoutfriend I guess.
CC: And hey, if you want to take another nap sometime, let me know! They will be more than happy to glub us up another bubble.
GG: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
GG: i am never going to sleep again!
GG: never never never never never never
CC: PSH WE'LL SEE ABOUT THAT, MISS HORNLESS MCFINLESS.
GG: :(
-- gardenGnostic [GG] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG] --
GG: ok, my robot exploded
GG: now what smart guy!
CG: HOLY SHIT, IT'S HARLEY
CG: COMMUNICATING WITH ME OUT OF NOWHERE OF HER OWN VOLITION
CG: HOLD THAT THOUGHT WHILE I GO INFORM MY DISGRACE OF A CLOWN FRIEND ABOUT THIS TRUE REAL LIFE MIRACLE, IT MIGHT LIFT HIS SPIRITS
GG: i knew i would regret this
GG: talking to you is so terrible
CG: OH YEAH, BECAUSE TALKING TO YOU HAS JUST BEEN ABSOLUTE EUPHORIA.
CG: DON'T EVEN TALK TO ME ABOUT HEADACHES.
CG: RIGHT NOW THERE'S A LUMBERJACK SPLITTING WOOD ON MY THINK PAN.
GG: uuuugh shut uuuuup!
GG: will you just tell me what you wanted?
CG: I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.
CG: I DIDN'T TELL YOU TO CONTACT ME, NOT THAT I'M NOT TICKLED BY THE SURPRISE.
CG: LET'S CATCH UP. HOW IS EVERYTHING? HOW WAS YOUR DEATHNAP?? I CAN ONLY HOPE IT WAS AS REFRESHING AS MINE.
CG: YOU HAVE A LOT OF IMPORTANT USELESS SCAMPERING AND GIGGLING TO DO. WHEREAS I HAVE A CRUCIAL DATE WITH A PNEUMATIC DRILL, TO BORE A HOLE IN THE CENTER OF MY FOREHEAD, DEEP INTO THE PLUMP ANGUISH BLADDER WHICH STORES MY ALIEN DISMAY FLUID. THAT'S A REAL THING WE HAVE, FYI.
GG: i cant believe i fell for this
GG: why do you go to such lengths to troll me? i just dont understand it
CG: DO I GET ON YOUR CASE FOR ALL THE TERRIBLE HUMANNING YOU DO?
CG: WHY ARE YOU SUCH A RACIST?
GG: i am so tired of this, and i am done talking to you forever
GG: bye karkat, it was awful knowing you!
CG: WAIT
CG: OK LOOK
CG: I SERIOUSLY, HONESTLY DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.
CG: YOU SAY YOUR ROBOT BLEW UP, AND THAT WAS SOME SORT OF SIGNAL TO MESSAGE ME?
CG: FUTURE ME IS PROBABLY THE ONE TO TALK TO ABOUT THIS.
GG: is this another prank
GG: you are seriously the worst at pranks
CG: I DO TWO THINGS AND TWO THINGS ONLY, I DEVASTATE SORRY MOTHERFUCKERS, AND GET SHIT DONE AS AN AWESOME LEADER.
CG: IN THIS CASE, I AM ACCOMPLISHING THE LATTER.
CG: HERE, CLICK THIS AND WE WILL SOLVE THE MYSTERY TOGETHER.
GG: :|
CCG RIGHT NOW opened memo on board FRUITY RUMPUS ASSHOLE FACTORY.
CCG: HEY FUTURE ME, WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THIS EXPLODED JADEBOT BUSINESS?
CCG: MUST BE SOMETHING REALLY MISSION CRITICAL, OR JADE WOULDN'T HAVE BOTHERED GETTING IN TOUCH WITH US, RIGHT?
CCG: HEY DOUCHE BAG, ARE YOU THERE
??? gardenGnostic [?GG] at ?:?? responded to memo.
?GG: oh jeez, why am i doing this
CCG: PIPE DOWN HARLEY, THIS PRACTICALLY DOESN'T EVEN CONCERN YOU AT THIS POINT
CCG: NOTHING TO SAY, FUTURE ME?
CCG: NOT EVEN A FEW PARTING WORDS OF SCORN FOR ME OR THE NARCOLEPTIC IDIOT?
?GG: are you enjoying yourself karkat?
CCG: WHY THE FUCK WOULD I BE PULLING A STUNT LIKE THIS, WHAT A WASTE OF TIME.
CCG: I REALLY AM TALKING TO FUTURE ME, HE'S JUST BEING AN EVASIVE TOOL.
CCG: YOU THOUGHT YOU HAD ALL THE ANSWERS, FROLICKING ALL OVER YOUR ISLAND BEING INFURIATINGLY CHIPPER, BUILDING ROBO-BUNNIES LIKE A MORON AND ULTIMATELY RUINING EVERYTHING.
CCG: YOU WERE SO SURE YOUR DREAMS TOLD YOU EVERYTHING YOU NEEDED TO KNOW.
CCG: AND NOW LOOK AT YOU
CCG: YOU SUDDENLY UNDERSTAND JACK SHIT.
?GG: but maybe if you had been nice to me instead of terrorizing me all those years i would have believed you
?GG: and we could have worked together to solve your problems as well as ours
CCG: DON'T TELL ME WHAT'S IMPOSSIBLE BECAUSE I'M ANGRY AND STUBBORN.
CCG: I FUCKING KNOW WHAT THOSE ASSETS MAKE POSSIBLE.
CCG: DO YOU EVEN HAVE ANY IDEA HOW LUCKY YOU ARE TO BE GRACED BY MY DIVINE FURY?
?GG: sure karkat, whatever you say!
CCG: OUT OF THE COUNTLESS TRILLIONS OF LIFE FORMS I BROUGHT INTO REALITY THROUGH ANGRY GRUBFUCK POWER ALONE, I HAVE SELECTED YOU FOR EXAMINATION AND HARASSMENT.
CCG: BUT YEAH GO AHEAD AND KEEP BLOWING ME OFF LIKE THE FLAKEY LITTLE TWERP YOU ARE.
FUTURE carcinoGeneticist [FCG] 3 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo.
FCG: HEY DON'T TALK TO HER LIKE THAT YOU UNCOUTH PIECE OF SHIT.
CCG: OH WOW, ANOTHER MIRACLE.
CCG: IT MUST BE PERIGEES EVE, BECAUSE GET A LOAD OF THIS HUGE BEHEMOTH LEAVING THAT JUST GOT DRAGGED IN.
?GG: aaauugh what the hell!!!
FCG: JADE, I'M SORRY ABOUT PAST ME'S RETARDED BEHAVIOR.
CCG: GOD DAMMIT, ARE YOU SERIOUS?
CCG: I MEAN, AM I SERIOUS?????
CCG: WILL I BE SERIOUS ABOUT THIS SHIT. WILL I REALLY BACK DOWN LIKE A LIMP FRONDED STOOGE? PLEASE TELL ME YOU'RE JOKING.
FCG: I CAN'T BELIEVE I EVER THOUGHT FUTURE ME WAS THE STUPID ONE
FCG: PAST ME IS THE DUMBEST BUCKET OF FESTERING DISCHARGE I EVER FELL ASS BACKWARDS INTO.
CCG: IS PROXIMITY TO THAT NASTY LOOKING SPACETIME RIP ON THE TIMELINE MESSING WITH YOUR HEAD?
CCG: IS THAT WHAT'S CAUSING YOU TO FEEL PITY FOR THIS IMBECILE?
FCG: LOOK, JADE'S NOT THAT BAD OK.
FCG: THIS IS ALL SO OBVIOUS, I'M FLUSHING LIKE A MOTHERFUCKER IN EMBARRASSMENT HAVING TO EXPLAIN IT TO YOU, AND EVEN WORSE, REMEMBERING HAVING IT EXPLAINED TO ME BY THE SMART ONE THREE HOURS AGO AND STILL ACTING LIKE A MOIST GLOBE EVEN AFTER BEING SO SOUNDLY SCHOOLFED.
CCG: I'M MAKING A MENTAL NOTE TO SLAP MYSELF THREE HOURS FROM NOW, FOR BEING ENOUGH OF A SAP TO START DEVELOPING RED FEELINGS FOR A DUMB ANNOYING HUMAN, IF I'M READING BETWEEN THE LINES CORRECTLY.
FCG: I JUST SLAPPED MYSELF! I REMEMBERED MY LAME NOTE TO MYSELF FROM THREE HOURS AGO, AND THEN SLAPPED MYSELF SPECIFICALLY TO MOCK YOU.
FCG: IT STINGS TOO, YOU'LL FEEL IT IN A WHILE. AND THEN THE GHOST OF PAST ME WILL CRY.
CCG banned FCG from responding to memo.
FCG unbanned himself from responding to memo.
FCG banned CCG from responding to memo.
CCG unbanned himself from responding to memo.
?GG: i cant take this anymore!!!!!!!!
?GG: i am just so angry, i cant believe i let you push me around all those years
?GG: you are completely out of your mind, i was too nice by just blocking you and typing frowny faces and stuff
FCG: YES!!!!!
FCG: LET THIS FUCKER KNOW THE SCORE JADE. THIS IS HOW WE ROLL.
?GG: SHUT UP!!!!!!!
?GG: future karkat, if you really are future karkat......
?GG: where do you get off thinking you can just suddenly act like were pals because you said you apologized????
?GG: i cant even believe the things im typing here! this is so stupid, talking to two of you at once is the worst thing imaginable
?GG: as if theres even a real difference between you two. three hours is hardly any time at all, you are the same person YOU FUCKING IDIOTS!!!!!!!!!
CCG: OH SHIT
FCG: YES, THAT WAS GREAT. WE BOTH HAD IT COMING, ESPECIALLY HIM. GREAT WORK JADE.
?GG: ugh, i dont know whats worse, jerk karkat or goofy sycophant karkat
?GG: i cant stand it, whether youre trying to be nice or just being a crazy asshole, you are just so weird!!!
?GG: im through humoring you, i dont even care about this stupid exploded robot mission, whatever that was
FCG: OH RIGHT, ABOUT THAT
FCG: YOU'RE GOING TO BE REALLY BUSY SOON, BECAUSE YOU'RE ABOUT TO ENTER YOUR SESSION
FCG: SO DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT UNTIL YOU DO, THEN JUST HIT ME UP, WE'LL TALK ABOUT IT
?GG: hahaha, FAT CHANCE!!!!
FCG: LOOK I KNOW THINGS ARE WEIRD BETWEEN US RIGHT NOW AND YOU HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO BE MAD.
FCG: BUT THINGS WILL CHANGE, IN TIME YOU'LL SEE I'M NOT QUITE SO AWFUL, OK?
??? turntechGodhead [?TG] at ?:?? responded to memo.
?TG: ahahahahah oh god
?TG: dude i cant believe you were just getting on our case about hitting on the troll girls
?TG: and then literally the very next memo you are slobbering all over jade
?TG: thats just perfect hahahaha
CCG banned ?TG from responding to memo.
FCG rebanned ?TG from responding to memo.
?GG: dave wait dont go!
FCG: OH I SEE, NOW YOU COULD USE A KNIGHT, HOW VERY INTERESTING, HMMM.
FCG: GOD I CAN'T WAIT FOR YOU TO BE FUTURE YOU, SLIGHTLY LESS FUTURE YOU IS SUCH A GOD DAMN PILL
?GG: i cant wait for future you to future kiss my ass!
CCG: YEAH! THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.
?GG: i also cant wait for past you to past drop dead and go to hell, PAST TENSE!!!!!!!!
?GG: when are those things going to happen?? or will have already past/future happened?????
?GG: i want to put another reminder on my finger so i know when its time to throw a party!!!!
FCG: HAHAHAHA, YOU HEAR THAT YOU OBSOLETE PILE OF GARBAGE? JADE JUST FLIPPED YOU OFF WITH A COLORFUL FINGER.
CCG: MAN, SHE OBVIOUSLY HATES YOU MORE. SHE CALLED YOU A SYCOPHANT WHICH IS A HUNDRED TIMES MORE DESCRIPTIVELY WORSE THAN JUST BEING A RUN OF THE MILL SCUMBAG LIKE ME.
?GG: jesus will you just ban me already????
?GG: my head hurts so bad now i think im going to cry
FCG: MAYBE YOU SHOULD JUST BAN HER ALREADY AND END THIS TORMENT SINCE YOU DRAGGED HER INTO THIS.
CCG: FUCK THAT YOU BAN HER. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO SEEMS TO "CARE".
?GG: aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa XO
?GG: i will just ban myself!!!!
?GG: *JADE HARLEY BANNED HERSELF FROM RESPONDING TO THE GRUMPY SHIT HEAD MISERY ZONE, AND IS NEVER COMING BACK*
?GG ceased responding to memo.
FCG: OK, THERE. SHE'S GONE.
FCG: MAYBE NOW YOU GET IT.
FCG: HOW HIDEOUS EVERYONE THINKS YOU ARE, MAYBE YOU'LL FINALLY STOP FUCKING EVERYTHING UP.
CCG: I THINK
CCG: I WAS PROBABLY WRONG ABOUT JADE
FCG: SHE CAN STILL READ THIS YOU STUPID FUCK
FCG: NOW'S NOT THE TIME TO OPEN YOUR VEINS AND WRITE POEMS ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS
CCG: FUCK YOU, I'M JUST VOICING A HARMLESS OBSERVATION OK
CCG: IT'S NOT MY BUSINESS IF SOME LUNK HEAD IN THE FUTURE GETS CARRIED AWAY WITH WHATEVER LITTLE THOUGHTS I MAY OR MAY NOT NOW BE THINKING
FCG: HOW COULD THAT EVEN BE A REAL THING I TYPED THREE HOURS AGO, HOW COULD I BE THIS STUPID.
FCG: WE ARE JUST THE DUMBEST FUCKERS WHO EVER LIVED AREN'T WE.
FCG: I DON'T EVEN HAVE THE ENERGY TO BAN US.
FCG: I'M JUST LEAVING.
FCG ceased responding to memo.
CCG: YEAH
CCG ceased responding to memo.
Holy crap, John! Last you saw him he was falling from Prospit.
You'd better check up on him.
As it turns out, he's pretty busy! He already connected to your client program, and is getting ready to get you into the Medium.
Also generally making a mess of things.
-- gardenGnostic [GG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] --
GG: john are you there???
GG: im so relieved to talk to you and hear youre ok
GG: are you ok john? your dream self i mean
EB: you're awake!
EB: i am pretty sure that i...
EB: he?
EB: am/is fine.
EB: oh!!!!!
EB: i also got your present, and it saved my life!
EB: thank you so much, jade!
GG: really?? :D
GG: <3
EB: does the bunny have a name? i asked him but i don't think he can talk.
GG: its up to you john, he is your bunny
EB: you have no idea how tempted i am to name her casey again.
EB: i named a young salamander casey earlier, but then i left her at rose's house.
EB: also, apparently i am supposed to marry rose. karkat said so.
GG: what!!!!
EB: it is true, it is a fact from an alien.
GG: he is angry and a huge pain in the ass
GG: have you ever talked to two of him at once????
EB: that sounds kind of awesome.
GG: noooooooo, think again
GG: have you looked in the lab yet?
GG: could you do me a favor and not look in there?
EB: ok. why, is there a secret in there?
GG: its nothing that secret or personal or anything....
GG: it is my dead dream self
EB: i have sort of already seen... that.
EB: not in the lab, but on the battlefield.
EB: i was so confused and sad when i saw you lying there...
EB: i'd rather not talk about it i guess.
EB: but, i wonder...
EB: if your dream self died...
EB: then what were you just dreaming about now?
GG: i think i would rather not talk about that either
EB: oh, also...
EB: i found your ring.
EB: but then i woke up, and didn't have it anymore.
EB: so i am not sure where it is now.
GG: oh nooooooo
GG: john that ring is really important, it belongs to the white queen!
GG: when you go to sleep again, you should try to find it and keep it safe!
EB: hey jade, we have a lot to catch up on, but how about later?
EB: we have to hurry, remember there is a big meteor heading for you right now?
In the Land of Wind and Shade...
...the Archagent returns a sword to its owner.
It wouldn't be very satisfying to win round 2 if he was unarmed, after all.
EB: ok, we have 10 minutes and 25 seconds.
EB: hey, what do you think we should prototype this fussy little orb with?
GG: i dont know...
GG: there are so many possibilities
EB: it's almost like your grandpa put all this crap here knowing we'd have to make that decision.
EB: he seems like he was an awesome guy, i would have liked to have the chance to talk to him.
GG: yes, as a matter of fact i am sure we will both get that chance!
EB: wait, are you saying we will prototype him?
EB: like i did with nanna, to bring her ghost back to life?
EB: as...
EB: another ghost?
GG: sure, why not!
GG: that is what i believe this game is for in part
GG: you got to bring back your nanna, rose brought back her cat, i can bring back grandpa, and dave...
GG: dave got to bring back a dead bird because of course he is too cool to have any dead family members
EB: yeah, also he brought back himself from the future.
EB: specifically to save my life, as well as yours, i think.
GG: wait, he did????
GG: soooo cooooool :O
GG: i almost completely forgot i was his server player!!!!!
EB: i just messaged him, he is not answering.
EB: i talked to him from the future, so he must be ok now to make it that far.
GG: jeez, i feel so out of the loop :(
EB: yes, that is why we need to get you in the loop!
EB: what do we do about prototyping?
EB: we shouldn't put your grandpa in yet, unless we want lots of imps and ogres and stuff that look like your grandpa.
EB: i guess we could just put nothing in and see what happens.
GG: is that allowed?
EB: i don't see why not.
EB: we have ten minutes to think about it.
EB: whoops! i mean a lot less than ten minutes!
EB: hurry upstairs, go go go!!!
In round 2...
Bro won't be alone.
A nearly-unstoppable dream team.
But Jack may be up to the challenge.
NEXT TIME: John does the worst possible thing.
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