28 Days Later
Yes it’s been 28 days since my last post. Here is my catch up rant:
I’m still unemployed as lethargy, laziness and lack of any motivation have been the scar that covers the huge hole that has been blown through my self esteem. It’s been 28 days of soaps, zombie movies and porn. I get out of bed only to want to crawl back in it a few minutes. I have many things to keep me busy but I can’t get myself to do them. I could’ve finished that god awful boring book by now but I’m still 200 pages out. I haven’t touched my resume or gone on any websites to job hunt. I haven’t even started collecting unemployment or doing any of the other things I really should. I have been living off my car/TV savings but I’m not yet broke. I can still pay my rent and bills and food for a while it’s just a matter of getting through the worst to be able to move forward, preferably before I do go broke. I don’t know when that will be. If I’m writing this I’m hoping it will be soon.
My ex-best friend/ex-roommate died a few weeks ago. He died very much alone under some very bad yet very preventable circumstances. And now I’m paralyzed by the fear that could be me. And I have no clue what to do about it.
I went to my sister’s for dinner tonight and we had some nice conversation as we always do. I love my family and enjoy the fact that they can share their lives with me but simultaneously hate that they have such active and diverse lives and well, I don’t. I am able to share many things but no all. They just have no idea what my life is like, who I am or what goes on inside my head.
As of November 3rd of this year it’s been 2 years since my mom died. It seems the longer she’s been gone the harder it gets for some reason instead of the opposite. She wasn’t just my mom but my best friend. I hate that she’s gone because now I have to deal with life by myself and I just don’t know how. I have wanted to break down but I hate breaking down alone.
I admit to being lonely much more so lately and wish I had a relationship. The downside is that I’m so antisocial the only thing I’m still capable of is following through with at least one stereotype. It happened the other day, the first time in years. I have no regrets and yet I need more. I despise the people in the local gay chat room. I go on and hope that someday I’ll meet that special guy yet I’m consistently disappointed and frustrated with the same people who go on and talk the same nonsense year after year. Still it’s habit and it makes me feel better about myself. It’s also one of the only ways I still know how to connect with the outside world.
I hate that I can’t hear like everyone else. I hate that genetics has taken over and I need to adapt. I have gotten use to the silence. Until recently when I’ve gotten one hell of a bad case of tinnitus. I went to my doctor’s hoping it was due to an ear infection but it’s not. I have to go see an ENT now. Ugh.
A few more things:
My aunt died recently - she had cancer. She lived a good life though. Ugh I hate family funerals.
Major plague of fruit flies. Pain in the ass to get rid of. Thanks for RAID. Hope they’re all gone.
Claudia is alive on GH?! James Franco tomorrow. Woo hoo! And on OLTL Mitch Laurence is alive and back and evil as ever. And Kish has sex. More woo hoo!
Zuma 2 the video game sequel sucked. Time for something new.
I have this strange urge to read the Twilight books and then see the movies. Can I be more of a queen?
Lost S6 is not far away.
Thanksgiving is next week. Fortunately I can now declare myself holiday free and skip it altogether. Should I line up my Netflix queue with horror, comedy, drama, thriller or homo movies?
It’s 11:45 and I shall now post before it becomes 29 days. Will be attempting to get back to post more and get on w/my life.
I’m still unemployed as lethargy, laziness and lack of any motivation have been the scar that covers the huge hole that has been blown through my self esteem. It’s been 28 days of soaps, zombie movies and porn. I get out of bed only to want to crawl back in it a few minutes. I have many things to keep me busy but I can’t get myself to do them. I could’ve finished that god awful boring book by now but I’m still 200 pages out. I haven’t touched my resume or gone on any websites to job hunt. I haven’t even started collecting unemployment or doing any of the other things I really should. I have been living off my car/TV savings but I’m not yet broke. I can still pay my rent and bills and food for a while it’s just a matter of getting through the worst to be able to move forward, preferably before I do go broke. I don’t know when that will be. If I’m writing this I’m hoping it will be soon.
My ex-best friend/ex-roommate died a few weeks ago. He died very much alone under some very bad yet very preventable circumstances. And now I’m paralyzed by the fear that could be me. And I have no clue what to do about it.
I went to my sister’s for dinner tonight and we had some nice conversation as we always do. I love my family and enjoy the fact that they can share their lives with me but simultaneously hate that they have such active and diverse lives and well, I don’t. I am able to share many things but no all. They just have no idea what my life is like, who I am or what goes on inside my head.
As of November 3rd of this year it’s been 2 years since my mom died. It seems the longer she’s been gone the harder it gets for some reason instead of the opposite. She wasn’t just my mom but my best friend. I hate that she’s gone because now I have to deal with life by myself and I just don’t know how. I have wanted to break down but I hate breaking down alone.
I admit to being lonely much more so lately and wish I had a relationship. The downside is that I’m so antisocial the only thing I’m still capable of is following through with at least one stereotype. It happened the other day, the first time in years. I have no regrets and yet I need more. I despise the people in the local gay chat room. I go on and hope that someday I’ll meet that special guy yet I’m consistently disappointed and frustrated with the same people who go on and talk the same nonsense year after year. Still it’s habit and it makes me feel better about myself. It’s also one of the only ways I still know how to connect with the outside world.
I hate that I can’t hear like everyone else. I hate that genetics has taken over and I need to adapt. I have gotten use to the silence. Until recently when I’ve gotten one hell of a bad case of tinnitus. I went to my doctor’s hoping it was due to an ear infection but it’s not. I have to go see an ENT now. Ugh.
A few more things:
My aunt died recently - she had cancer. She lived a good life though. Ugh I hate family funerals.
Major plague of fruit flies. Pain in the ass to get rid of. Thanks for RAID. Hope they’re all gone.
Claudia is alive on GH?! James Franco tomorrow. Woo hoo! And on OLTL Mitch Laurence is alive and back and evil as ever. And Kish has sex. More woo hoo!
Zuma 2 the video game sequel sucked. Time for something new.
I have this strange urge to read the Twilight books and then see the movies. Can I be more of a queen?
Lost S6 is not far away.
Thanksgiving is next week. Fortunately I can now declare myself holiday free and skip it altogether. Should I line up my Netflix queue with horror, comedy, drama, thriller or homo movies?
It’s 11:45 and I shall now post before it becomes 29 days. Will be attempting to get back to post more and get on w/my life.