this is not related to any bandom stuff, just personal so...
this probably won't be of any interest to you guys. i just need to vent IMMENSELY
so i'm pretty sure that not a lot of people even relate to this in the same kind of way which makes it even harder for me. ok, so i've always been extremely close with my grandpa (on my mother's side), mainly because i grew up at their house living there. my mom got pregnant with me at a young age so she stayed at her parent's house almost until she got married to my stepfather. but anyways
when i was in about 7th or 8th grade (give or take) my grandmother passed away from cancer. i was devastated and it affected me A LOT. i became really withdrawn and basically went into my own little world. the only thing that mattered to me was music and i got extremely into the whole rock/alt/emo scene or whatever u wanna call it. my 2 big bands that were my favorites were, of course, MCR & FOB (which is part of why i'll never stop supporting them no matter what). so after my grandma died i was basically told i should get over it but i was the person that the rest of my family (all my aunts/uncles/cousins etc) sent to spend time with my grandpa to help him through everything. i understand why, seeing as i was the person who was closest to him besides my grandma but it was huge pressure now that i think about it.
well i would be at my grandpa's house and he was always verrry nice to me...not gonna lie, he spoiled me pretty much. whatever i wanted i pretty much got, i could watch whatever i wanted on their satellite tv & he would sit through it. so i basically watched Fuse most of the time & to try to idk relate with me (?) or bond whatever he asked what my favorite bands were, why i liked them, etc. & when i introduced him to the bands he actually started to like them, mostly because they weren't like most of the rock bands he heard of through the media aka sex, drugs, rock n roll, kinda thing. he watched the interviews with me, basically he was always there for me. whatever made me happy, he put up with. so he would go & take me to go get the new cd by the bands i liked the day of, bought me concert tickets when they came to town, & kept up with the band news.
so the whole thing with my grandma & everything got me SUPER into My Chemical Romance. not saying i wasn't into FOB at the time but MCR were my big band that i was ALL ABOUT. so The Black Parade came out not too long after my grandma's death (a yr or two? and it really helped me get through everything and come out semi-ok. so when i was really into them, obviously they were all i talked about & therefore my grandpa learned a lot about them. he ended up really liking them too & loved the black parade in particular. he loved the theatricality of it & how they actually put thought & time into the videos & concept of the album. he liked them overall because of these things but he especially liked the black parade. after everything was done with that & then the whole black parade is dead thing, i would always give him updates on how the band members were doing, that kinda stuff. & when things were starting to be said about a new album he was happy about it.
everyone knows how everything went with that though, delays, scrapping the album, blah blah blah. so he would always joke about that the album would never come out or he wouldn't make it to see it...& we laughed it off. well last year, on my birthday no less, he was officially diagnosed with colon cancer. (nov 16th, 2009). for a few months he had been having trouble but it was nothing major, it was found on a fluke really. but ok, they said he would have to go for surgery, it would be routine no biggie, and that he would be fine (or at least for a few months more then if he didn't have the surgery :-/)...but not even kidding over the last year, EVERYTHING that could go wrong, HAS. it sucks. every time they went under the knife he came out with some type of infection/complication. (really i absolutely hate the hospital that he has to stay at/dr he has to go to because they are very careless). but whatever. as he has been getting better/getting worse over time, he has survived a LOT longer then we expected him to, the odds were not very good overall.
when actual info came out about Danger Days & stuff, of course i rushed over to the hospital & would tell him everything that i heard. & show him the new pics and whatever. i haven't had the chance to actually show him the videos yet but i just got them on my ipod so i will. but he always perked up when he would hear news about them & stuff. but fast forward to about the last couple weeks. he's NOT doing well at all. i'm severely depressed again. i'm really trying but it's so hard sometimes. he's been up & down leading up to this week. he wants me to bring him a copy of Danger Days sometime this week, last i heard. but now my mom gets a phone call the other day & it almost killed me. the cancer has spread throughout his whole body. he doesn't have long. we don't know, how long exactly but yeah. everything inside me is just so confused. completely. i've been waiting for this for almost 4 years now. i'm INCREDIBLY excited about this album & seeing them next month & in april. but part of me is trying to make me not happy at all.
now they say that he probably won't make it through this week :( (i'm not gonna count on it since they've been so wrong so far, but still)...what are the fucking odds of this. Danger Days came out today & i have it in my hand right now, but why the fuck does God or whoever have to be so fucking cruel :( i can't deal with this right now AT ALL. this time i don't have someone to be there for me either. my parents aren't exactly the best & consoling definitely isn't their strong point, by far.
the thing that hurts the most right now is that i'm so scared that after everything, i won't be able to listen to MCR anymore :( like for example i CAN listen to the black parade, even though it's basically the embodiment of (one of) the worst times in my life so far. it helped me SO MUCH, but i still start bawling when i hear the song Cancer. not so much just on the cd, but when i hear it live in concert, i almost pass out. it effects me that much.
i've always been a huge music person so i don't expect a lot of people to understand really, but a song to me can trigger memories almost all the time. i'll think of the first time i heard it & be back there if i close my eyes. it's scary almost. but good memories are incredible. i just hate the fact that i associate the black parade as a whole, with that place in my life..it helped me, no doubt, but it was still so dark that i almost didn't make it through it. i really don't want to associate this album with the place i'm at right now. none of the songs are so exact like on the black parade but i still don't want to remember this album like that. i'm just really fucked up lately & i don't know what to do :( my mom is just drinking herself through it, my step dad is doing pretty much the same thing. i'm not huge on drinking even though i can get it whenever i want. i just don't enjoy it, i literally will drink for the taste most of the time haha. i'm weird. i do smoke pot & rarely cigs but besides that i don't really use anything. music is my drug, as cliche as that sounds...
~this actually feels quite nice to vent on here so maybe i'll do it more often.
xo
so i'm pretty sure that not a lot of people even relate to this in the same kind of way which makes it even harder for me. ok, so i've always been extremely close with my grandpa (on my mother's side), mainly because i grew up at their house living there. my mom got pregnant with me at a young age so she stayed at her parent's house almost until she got married to my stepfather. but anyways
when i was in about 7th or 8th grade (give or take) my grandmother passed away from cancer. i was devastated and it affected me A LOT. i became really withdrawn and basically went into my own little world. the only thing that mattered to me was music and i got extremely into the whole rock/alt/emo scene or whatever u wanna call it. my 2 big bands that were my favorites were, of course, MCR & FOB (which is part of why i'll never stop supporting them no matter what). so after my grandma died i was basically told i should get over it but i was the person that the rest of my family (all my aunts/uncles/cousins etc) sent to spend time with my grandpa to help him through everything. i understand why, seeing as i was the person who was closest to him besides my grandma but it was huge pressure now that i think about it.
well i would be at my grandpa's house and he was always verrry nice to me...not gonna lie, he spoiled me pretty much. whatever i wanted i pretty much got, i could watch whatever i wanted on their satellite tv & he would sit through it. so i basically watched Fuse most of the time & to try to idk relate with me (?) or bond whatever he asked what my favorite bands were, why i liked them, etc. & when i introduced him to the bands he actually started to like them, mostly because they weren't like most of the rock bands he heard of through the media aka sex, drugs, rock n roll, kinda thing. he watched the interviews with me, basically he was always there for me. whatever made me happy, he put up with. so he would go & take me to go get the new cd by the bands i liked the day of, bought me concert tickets when they came to town, & kept up with the band news.
so the whole thing with my grandma & everything got me SUPER into My Chemical Romance. not saying i wasn't into FOB at the time but MCR were my big band that i was ALL ABOUT. so The Black Parade came out not too long after my grandma's death (a yr or two? and it really helped me get through everything and come out semi-ok. so when i was really into them, obviously they were all i talked about & therefore my grandpa learned a lot about them. he ended up really liking them too & loved the black parade in particular. he loved the theatricality of it & how they actually put thought & time into the videos & concept of the album. he liked them overall because of these things but he especially liked the black parade. after everything was done with that & then the whole black parade is dead thing, i would always give him updates on how the band members were doing, that kinda stuff. & when things were starting to be said about a new album he was happy about it.
everyone knows how everything went with that though, delays, scrapping the album, blah blah blah. so he would always joke about that the album would never come out or he wouldn't make it to see it...& we laughed it off. well last year, on my birthday no less, he was officially diagnosed with colon cancer. (nov 16th, 2009). for a few months he had been having trouble but it was nothing major, it was found on a fluke really. but ok, they said he would have to go for surgery, it would be routine no biggie, and that he would be fine (or at least for a few months more then if he didn't have the surgery :-/)...but not even kidding over the last year, EVERYTHING that could go wrong, HAS. it sucks. every time they went under the knife he came out with some type of infection/complication. (really i absolutely hate the hospital that he has to stay at/dr he has to go to because they are very careless). but whatever. as he has been getting better/getting worse over time, he has survived a LOT longer then we expected him to, the odds were not very good overall.
when actual info came out about Danger Days & stuff, of course i rushed over to the hospital & would tell him everything that i heard. & show him the new pics and whatever. i haven't had the chance to actually show him the videos yet but i just got them on my ipod so i will. but he always perked up when he would hear news about them & stuff. but fast forward to about the last couple weeks. he's NOT doing well at all. i'm severely depressed again. i'm really trying but it's so hard sometimes. he's been up & down leading up to this week. he wants me to bring him a copy of Danger Days sometime this week, last i heard. but now my mom gets a phone call the other day & it almost killed me. the cancer has spread throughout his whole body. he doesn't have long. we don't know, how long exactly but yeah. everything inside me is just so confused. completely. i've been waiting for this for almost 4 years now. i'm INCREDIBLY excited about this album & seeing them next month & in april. but part of me is trying to make me not happy at all.
now they say that he probably won't make it through this week :( (i'm not gonna count on it since they've been so wrong so far, but still)...what are the fucking odds of this. Danger Days came out today & i have it in my hand right now, but why the fuck does God or whoever have to be so fucking cruel :( i can't deal with this right now AT ALL. this time i don't have someone to be there for me either. my parents aren't exactly the best & consoling definitely isn't their strong point, by far.
the thing that hurts the most right now is that i'm so scared that after everything, i won't be able to listen to MCR anymore :( like for example i CAN listen to the black parade, even though it's basically the embodiment of (one of) the worst times in my life so far. it helped me SO MUCH, but i still start bawling when i hear the song Cancer. not so much just on the cd, but when i hear it live in concert, i almost pass out. it effects me that much.
i've always been a huge music person so i don't expect a lot of people to understand really, but a song to me can trigger memories almost all the time. i'll think of the first time i heard it & be back there if i close my eyes. it's scary almost. but good memories are incredible. i just hate the fact that i associate the black parade as a whole, with that place in my life..it helped me, no doubt, but it was still so dark that i almost didn't make it through it. i really don't want to associate this album with the place i'm at right now. none of the songs are so exact like on the black parade but i still don't want to remember this album like that. i'm just really fucked up lately & i don't know what to do :( my mom is just drinking herself through it, my step dad is doing pretty much the same thing. i'm not huge on drinking even though i can get it whenever i want. i just don't enjoy it, i literally will drink for the taste most of the time haha. i'm weird. i do smoke pot & rarely cigs but besides that i don't really use anything. music is my drug, as cliche as that sounds...
~this actually feels quite nice to vent on here so maybe i'll do it more often.
xo