Yeah I'm a mess but you love me so you're messed up too...
sometimes it kind of scares me that I'm on a cocktail that isn't very different than Heath Ledger was on. Same thing, sleep problems, racing mind. I just wanna shut off sometimes & fly away from the world & sometimes if I'm lucky I'll fall asleep for a good 12 hours...I just wish desperately that my family were different...I know that everyone probably thinks that at SOME POINT in their lives, but they have no idea. I've always felt like I'm the "adult" in my household to be honest. It's not good. Sometimes I just wish my mom would give a shit & not just bitch at me & tell me that I'm the problem. That does not work well when someone's already kinda messed up in the head. AND she stopped taking me to my therapist conveniently around the time my grandpa died of cancer :( who I was extremely close with & was basically the only person who seemed to "get" me or at least make an effort...and who didn't seem annoyed at me constantly. This is bullshit. I can't do this by myself, I've been TRYING REALLY HARD. sometimes I hope I end up like Heath Ledger. But to be honest, I'm about 80% positive that if it happened, I wouldn't be "found" for at least a day...they would just think I wasn't responding & bitch me out before storming off to work & giving me "the silent treatment" for the rest of the day & evening. It's happened before. I seriously think I may have OD'd before but no one noticed until I came to. I'm not sure of all the specifics of if you would ALWAYS die but yeah. sucks.
just needed to vent
xo
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