(no subject)
Hisagi Shuuhei dug his hands in his pockets and scowled around; he hated this time of year at the best of times but this year, with the betrayal fresh in everyone’s minds, it was almost unbearable. The only reason he had come to this ridiculous celebration was to see his beloved Kira.
But the blonde haired man was nowhere in sight and nobody he asked had any idea where he was; every second that drew him closer to midnight and the start of Christmas Day made his worry increase.
When a small gong chimed marking only an hour to go before the start of the festive day Hisagi could bear it no longer and turned his back on the carousing mob of Shinigami gathered around a brightly lit tree festooned in presents, tinsel and baubles, and left to find his lover.
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The offices of third division were unnaturally silent, one of the only nights of the year when not even a skeleton guard patrolled the halls; but despite the holiday season one man still stood in the abandoned rooms half clothed in darkness, only illuminated by the moonlight shining through the window highlighting a face lost in memories.
He knew he shouldn’t be here in this office still filled with the ghost of Ichimaru Gin but he couldn’t leave; it was a betrayal for all those who had been trying so hard to move him on - Matsumoto, Renji, Hisagi. Most of all Hisagi; his lover had every right to need help as much as he did but never showed it, always concentrating all his efforts on Kira’s happiness.
In a way this made it worse; Kira wanted this to be a relationship, wanted to support Hisagi and offer him the comfort he so obviously needed as well but every time he tried he was rebuffed and distracted by an easy smile or a soft kiss. It made him feel so useless that he couldn’t ease his partner’s pain or even seem to be trusted enough to see beneath the mask of calm competence he had erected.
And so he couldn’t face the Christmas celebration; he knew it would be hours of being waited on by Hisagi, forcing a smile as he was treated like fragile spun glass. It was oddly comforting to be here instead, the memories of his Captain and the raw pain they invoked infinitely more real than anything Hisagi had given him since the betrayal.
“Izuru-chan?”
For a moment Kira froze, sure it was Ichimaru Taichou calling him as he always had, no regard for etiquette or propriety; but then Hisagi stepped out of the shadows and the illusion was shattered.
“Why aren’t you at the party?”
Kira couldn’t answer; he had no words to describe his absence that wouldn’t wound the other man so instead he just turned away to look out of the window, face troubled in the moonlight. He wanted Hisagi to shout at him, to be angry for not showing up when he said he would or confront him about why he had come to Ichimaru Gin’s old office; but instead there was only silence and the feel of Hisagi’s arms as he wrapped them comfortingly around Kira’s waist.
“Tousen Taichou betrayed you too, you know...” The words slipped out before he could stop them; he felt Hisagi stiffen behind him and wanted to bite clean through his tongue. “I’m sorry…I…ah…”
Kira’s voice tailed off miserably to be replaced by a silence so awkward and thick with tension that the air between them almost crackled with tension and even though they were touching it was as though they were divided by the deepest chasm.
“It’s alright,” Hisagi’s warm, understanding words washed over Kira making uncharacteristic anger rise in him; pulling himself free of the suffocating embrace he whirled on his lover and finally let loose all the pent up emotions he had been feeling.
“Don’t say that, Shuuhei, you are not alright - we’re not alright. How can you ask me to take comfort from you when you cannot trust me enough to do the same? Do you think I am so weak that I cannot see that you are in pain like me, or do you think I am too stupid to notice?”
Hisagi flinched with every word as they lanced into him doing more damage than any zanpakuto ever could; he had never imagined that Kira would feel this way, after all he had done to try and be a pillar of strength and it was the wrong thing…
“No, never. You’re not stupid and I do trust you…I was just…trying to be strong… for you…”
“But can’t you see that I want to be strong for you too? I want to hold you as you hold me; I want to be see your tears and comfort you through them. I want to hear your fears and dispel them for you.”
Hisagi didn’t know what to say to that, the passion on Kira’s face was so intense he was almost frightened. He didn’t know what to say, the feelings about Tousen and his betrayal were buried so deeply that he didn’t even know himself exactly how he felt.
Kira watched Hisagi and the way his face didn’t even seem to change, he waited for what seemed an eternity of heartbeats for his lover to say something, to start opening up to him. But then the silence had stretched too long and with a sickening wrench in his heart Kira let his eyes slide away from Hisagi’s face and he walked past him heading to the door with an air of finality.
“I cry sometimes…” Hisagi’s voice was so quiet it was almost inaudible, but it stopped Kira as effectively as the loudest shout. “I’m not even sure why or what sets it off, I can be in the middle of something as mundane as bathing or writing out a schedule and suddenly I’m in tears over nothing.”
Slowly Kira turned, unwilling to speak in case it broke the moment and Hisagi stopped talking; his heart seemed to beat as loudly as a drum as he strained to see his lover’s face in the darkness of the office.
“I hate the way people look at us, as though we have some contagious disease and having a traitor for a Captain is somehow contagious. I hate that you’re in pain; every time you hear his name I see you flinch and I want to kill something. But fear? I’m not afraid of anything that might be coming, not the war or facing Tousen again. The only thing that frightens me is the thought of losing you.”
By the time Hisagi’s voice died away Kira was so close he could feel the warmth of the other man’s body, raising one hand he ran his fingers through the short black hair and onto the smooth skin of Hisagi’s cheek, tracing the inked number almost hesitantly.
A loud explosion made both men jump, shattering the heavy silence and showering the room in a brilliant display of colours; bang after bang sounded as fireworks began to shoot into the air at the party as Christmas Eve turned to Christmas Day.
Kira gave a soft self-deprecating chuckle at his own fear as he turned back to Hisagi, the brilliant vibrant lights making him seem to shimmer with an almost ethereal beauty; his eyes were warm as he gently embraced his lover, heart overwhelmed with the honour of the trust he’d just been shown.
“Thank-you.” He said simply, laying his head on Hisagi’s shoulder.
Hisagi just let his arms tighten around the blonde man, watching the fireworks as they sped through the sky; the comforting weight of Kira reassuring him that however hard that had just been that it was worth it, he smiled and kissed the top of Kira’s head softly.
“Merry Christmas.”