(no subject)
A girl asks me what my ideal woman is.
'Someone with a good heart.'
She asks, 'And then?'
I don't know what she means.
x
Todd McFarlane is one of the richest uncle cousin comic book artists in the world, ever. When he started, sending samples to publishers through the mail, he was rejected constantly. (I think he's kept a count of something like 100 rejection letters.)
Me, I've swung the bat a few times. All I hit is empty air.
Maybe you have to imagine you're making home runs anyway.
x
I wonder to myself, 'Self, if you knew you were going to never hit it big like you've always been certain you would, would you keep doing these things you think would have helped you get there?'
x
She told me my answer was ambiguous. I didn't know what she meant.
I don't have an ideal girl.
I don't even think like that. I don't know if that's a good or bad thing.
x
It happens again: I stop exercising, and everything else that's going well in my life screeches to an unproductive halt.
But this time I know what's happening -- I've written about it, quite extensively -- and I go to the gym for the first time in a long time.
This time, like every other time, something 'important' pops up, so important that I have to put kicking and punching on the back burner: work. I go to work, come back home exhausted, I go to work, I come back home exhausted.
I try sleeping through it.
That doesn't work.
I don't think it'll ever work, or ever did.
x
She describes her ideal guy: kind, strong, good eyelashes, etc etc.
My ideal girl is someone who can keep up with me in a conversation. In a very real way, that's a bigger turn-on to me than anything else.
But I guess I may like the smart girls but am gonna need someone who can understand my introversion, a supremely powerful introversion. I could go nowhere special and do nothing special for months without noticing or being bored. The stuff most people think is boring is the stuff I find special.
x
One of the biggest successes I've had of late is having a life-long recurring problem, really writing and dissecting it here, and then being able to turn around and come out of it in a few days, instead of weeks or months.
(I've achieved Super Saiyan Lvl. 1. Kamehameha~~)
x
Correction:
Todd McFarlane received 700 rejection letters.
x
So being able to spend so much time on just me for these few months has finally gotten me to a place where I am graduating from my stumbling blocks.
x
I guess I'm going to have to swing the bat a few hundred times. It's extremely frustrating to face rejection. But I see this yadayada swinging 700 times, and then becomes one of the most successful sonzabitches ever.
x
So I was doing so well, so much better than I'd been doing in years. I always have these bursts of productivity, and then something comes out of nowhere and sends me back to square one.
Through all this self-analysis and writing everything down, I've been able to circumvent a lot of this. For the first time, I'm fighting to keep my progress. I am realizing my self-defeating cycles and learning the lessons of them.
So I realized I need to go to the gym just to get the blood and life energy flowing again. I come back home, and I am not motivated to do anything. This is not how it's supposed to work.
After abandoning my shiny new routine for just a few days, I can't get back into it. I'm frustrated, because usually I go to the gym, kick, punch, cardio, come back home, and I'm ready to take on all my various interests.
But then I came back and none of them were very interesting.
x
I've identified Can't Thought, and the dissuasive nature of my inner dialogue. I wanted to feel like doing stuff, but I just couldn't get past some mental barrier. Every time I thought about doing anything but sleeping, that inner dialogue said, Nope, too tired.
And I knew what was happening. I knew my previous technique to get out of it, to just remind myself I did in fact like doing that stuff, loved doing it. But it felt like a really weak argument in the face of working (and hard) for the first time in three months, and being exhausted.
I think I need to reevaluate what is is I really want from my life.
I know what I want, or at least I know roughly what I want. But I haven't spent much time seriously meditating on why these things motivate me, attract me, and sometimes, make me feel like I'm alive.
Right now I have a sort of halfway awareness of these things that draw me. I know that I want them, but only because after a while they come and remind me to move my ass again. I'm tired of that cycle. Since I'm fixing the wheels on my dharma train, it feels like this is the next step.
This kind of talk usually scares the heebie jeebies out of 'artists' because we're supposed to believe the ideas we receive come from magical forces who would cut us off if we tried to pin them down under any sort of attempt at understanding. I understand this feeling and I also understand I really want to dig into what makes me tick, and how the things I want in my life make me tick as well.
x
I feel like I'm taking this great journey, even though I'm not doing anything other than looking at my life differently. Searching for buried treasure in the things I've thrown away.
'Someone with a good heart.'
She asks, 'And then?'
I don't know what she means.
x
Todd McFarlane is one of the richest uncle cousin comic book artists in the world, ever. When he started, sending samples to publishers through the mail, he was rejected constantly. (I think he's kept a count of something like 100 rejection letters.)
Me, I've swung the bat a few times. All I hit is empty air.
Maybe you have to imagine you're making home runs anyway.
x
I wonder to myself, 'Self, if you knew you were going to never hit it big like you've always been certain you would, would you keep doing these things you think would have helped you get there?'
x
She told me my answer was ambiguous. I didn't know what she meant.
I don't have an ideal girl.
I don't even think like that. I don't know if that's a good or bad thing.
x
It happens again: I stop exercising, and everything else that's going well in my life screeches to an unproductive halt.
But this time I know what's happening -- I've written about it, quite extensively -- and I go to the gym for the first time in a long time.
This time, like every other time, something 'important' pops up, so important that I have to put kicking and punching on the back burner: work. I go to work, come back home exhausted, I go to work, I come back home exhausted.
I try sleeping through it.
That doesn't work.
I don't think it'll ever work, or ever did.
x
She describes her ideal guy: kind, strong, good eyelashes, etc etc.
My ideal girl is someone who can keep up with me in a conversation. In a very real way, that's a bigger turn-on to me than anything else.
But I guess I may like the smart girls but am gonna need someone who can understand my introversion, a supremely powerful introversion. I could go nowhere special and do nothing special for months without noticing or being bored. The stuff most people think is boring is the stuff I find special.
x
One of the biggest successes I've had of late is having a life-long recurring problem, really writing and dissecting it here, and then being able to turn around and come out of it in a few days, instead of weeks or months.
(I've achieved Super Saiyan Lvl. 1. Kamehameha~~)
x
Correction:
Todd McFarlane received 700 rejection letters.
x
So being able to spend so much time on just me for these few months has finally gotten me to a place where I am graduating from my stumbling blocks.
x
I guess I'm going to have to swing the bat a few hundred times. It's extremely frustrating to face rejection. But I see this yadayada swinging 700 times, and then becomes one of the most successful sonzabitches ever.
x
So I was doing so well, so much better than I'd been doing in years. I always have these bursts of productivity, and then something comes out of nowhere and sends me back to square one.
Through all this self-analysis and writing everything down, I've been able to circumvent a lot of this. For the first time, I'm fighting to keep my progress. I am realizing my self-defeating cycles and learning the lessons of them.
So I realized I need to go to the gym just to get the blood and life energy flowing again. I come back home, and I am not motivated to do anything. This is not how it's supposed to work.
After abandoning my shiny new routine for just a few days, I can't get back into it. I'm frustrated, because usually I go to the gym, kick, punch, cardio, come back home, and I'm ready to take on all my various interests.
But then I came back and none of them were very interesting.
x
I've identified Can't Thought, and the dissuasive nature of my inner dialogue. I wanted to feel like doing stuff, but I just couldn't get past some mental barrier. Every time I thought about doing anything but sleeping, that inner dialogue said, Nope, too tired.
And I knew what was happening. I knew my previous technique to get out of it, to just remind myself I did in fact like doing that stuff, loved doing it. But it felt like a really weak argument in the face of working (and hard) for the first time in three months, and being exhausted.
I think I need to reevaluate what is is I really want from my life.
I know what I want, or at least I know roughly what I want. But I haven't spent much time seriously meditating on why these things motivate me, attract me, and sometimes, make me feel like I'm alive.
Right now I have a sort of halfway awareness of these things that draw me. I know that I want them, but only because after a while they come and remind me to move my ass again. I'm tired of that cycle. Since I'm fixing the wheels on my dharma train, it feels like this is the next step.
This kind of talk usually scares the heebie jeebies out of 'artists' because we're supposed to believe the ideas we receive come from magical forces who would cut us off if we tried to pin them down under any sort of attempt at understanding. I understand this feeling and I also understand I really want to dig into what makes me tick, and how the things I want in my life make me tick as well.
x
I feel like I'm taking this great journey, even though I'm not doing anything other than looking at my life differently. Searching for buried treasure in the things I've thrown away.