Thinking
Woke up the next morning, and saw that he was still asleep, my leg kinda curled on him and an arm around his chest. Weird... I never did that snuggling shit. I slowly pulled myself offa him and turned on my side, blinking my eyes at the time
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"I see the city that is supposed to be a place where those who are strong, those who can adapt and change and persevere can thrive. A city where people invent and reinvent themselves every day."
Yeah. How come I had a feeling that we weren't talking about 'the city' anymore? Gee, maybe cuz everything he was saying was somehow pointed at me. Was he trying for another of his fucking lessons or something?
"I see someone who doesn't belong where they thought they were supposed to. Someone who has seen things, known things... and done things that would make the pure of heart turn away in shock. I see a person who was abandoned and left to fend for themselves, and in doing so became as hard and cold and sharp as steel on the outside and frightened and angry and sorrowful on the inside."
He was sitting down on the couch, as far away from me as he could possibly get and still carry on a fucking conversation in this room, and I leaned against the windowsill. Fuck, he wasn't talking about me, or maybe he was... maybe he was talking about me and him, I wasn't sure. But 'hard'? 'Cold'?
Yeah... seemed to describe us both well. Except when we were fucking...
"I see the black sheep, the prodigal. And I see that this person can only be helped by one of their own kind, who can endure the pain and confusion and fucking and fucking up because in the end, they need it, too. But then... you weren't asking about me, were you?"
I sighed and rolled my eyes, walking back to him on the couch and leaning back with my eyes shut. "Yeah, yeah, I get the point. Got it like, five paragraphs ago, alright? We're both fucked up, big fucking deal. But I'm not helping you, Wes," I added sadly, eyes open and searching his. "I never have... I've... I've done nothing but fuck your life up... God, before me, you were fine. I come along, torture you, fuck you in the middle of a battle... yeah, you tell me how that's supposed to help you."
I shook my head and rubbed my eyes. "Doesn't help, Wes, it only hurts... and I am so... fucking... tired of causing you hurt."
There. I said it. Now just... let me go back to jail where I can bottle everything up again, ok?
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"Yeah, yeah, I get the point. Got it like, five paragraphs ago, alright? We're both fucked up, big fucking deal. But I'm not helping you, Wes. I never have... I've... I've done nothing but fuck your life up... God, before me, you were fine. I come along, torture you, fuck you in the middle of a battle... yeah, you tell me how that's supposed to help you."
A bitter laugh-- barely a laugh, really, just a hard, derisive sound-- came out of me before I'd thought about it. Faith saw things in such seductively simple ways. The pain she'd dealt out, all the things she'd done to me, all the hurt she'd caused, she saw only for the scars they left, and not the lessons they taught. It would have been so easy to accept the same idea, though I didn't want to in the least.
What had made me laugh specifically, though was the idea that I'd been 'fine'.
"Fine?" I repeated. "That man wasn't 'fine'. Soft, small, and scared, perhaps, but not fine. I began to realize who I was then, what I was made of. I'm not saying it wasn't a little bit of hell, but on the other side, as I am now? I stopped hating you for that night a long, long time ago, Faith."
Faith's expression took on a curiously-- and somewhat unsettlingly-- vulnerable look as she finished, quite clearly hoping to be cut free from my ties.
"Doesn't help, Wes, it only hurts... and I am so... fucking... tired of causing you hurt."
I was quiet for a long minute. And then I surrendered to the truth, letting my own sense dictate my life, even if just for a little while.
"I've nowhere else to go," I whispered, "nowhwere."
My eyes remained examining my feet.
"Those people I left behind in Los Angeles-- they don't really know me anymore, and God knows they don't trust me. Not anymore, not after the things I've seen and done, the compromises and the allowances. Angel, Gunn, Lorne... Fred... their Wesley might still be alive, but I'm not him anymore. I don't belong there, and I've come to realize that."
Finally, with a great push of will, I lifted my eyes up.
"Nowhere."
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"Fine? That man wasn't 'fine'. Soft, small, and scared, perhaps, but not fine. I began to realize who I was then, what I was made of. I'm not saying it wasn't a little bit of hell, but on the other side, as I am now? I stopped hating you for that night a long, long time ago, Faith."
Shit. Didn't wanna cry, not now, not like this. He forgave me? How could he do that when I hadn't even forgiven myself? When I still woke up with nightmares about how I'd treated him, used him, left him bloodied and broken... when I'd tossed his feelings for me back then into his face, ground my hips on his lap knowing that he was hard for me even though I was hurting him cuz he'd always thought about me, wanted me...?
The same way I'd felt about him.
"I've nowhere else to go... nowhere."
"What?" Bullshit. He had Angel, he had a family and friends... I was the one with nothing. Why was he fucking with my emotions like this? "You do, Wes, I don't know why you think..."
Why couldn't he even look at me now?
"Those people I left behind in Los Angeles-- they don't really know me anymore, and God knows they don't trust me. Not anymore, not after the things I've seen and done, the compromises and the allowances. Angel, Gunn, Lorne... Fred... their Wesley might still be alive, but I'm not him anymore. I don't belong there, and I've come to realize that."
I looked down at the ground, nodding my head a few times trying to understand what he was telling me. "You saying that I changed you? Made you lose your family because of this... of me?" I whistled softly, shaking my head at that news. "Not really what I was hoping to hear from ya, Wes. Doesn't exactly make me feel any better, doesn't make me... understand."
My eyes lifted the same time as his. Fuck, how did we do that? Connect on some other fucking level that had no explanation?
"Nowhere."
I took a couple of steps closer to him, my hands still in my pockets as if it would protect me, stop me from reaching out to give a fucking hug - which I was not gonna do.
"Guess we got each other then, Boss. Two fucked-up people, with no friends or home, who got that way cuz of the other one." Yeah, that whole 'you made me, I made you' shit, I figured.
"So... what..." I sighed deeply. "What does this mean?"
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I shook my head vehemently.
"No, that's not what I'm saying. It's not your fault, Faith..." I ran a hand through my hair, trying to gather my thoughts into something coherent. What I'd said, I truly believed. Faith hadn't done this to me, but was without a doubt a crucial, inescapable force in my development.
"I lost my family because of something I did, something I thought was right and necessary. And I still think so."
Not, at the moment, that my frustration-addled brain could recall just what it had been, but that wasn't the point.
"I wouldn't have had the backbone to do what I did before you broke me down that night. And I wouldn't have survived the time on my own, out in the dark and cold without it, either."
Sighing, I shook my head again, sadly this time.
"That's what I mean."
Faith moved closer, but still keeping her distance. Our eyes met, locked, and as ever, tension and electricity passed between us as surely as if we were grasping each other tightly. But something was still missing the mark. We were circling each other again, trying to connect and communicate, but never sure if we can bring ourselves to stand still and open long enough to let it happen.
"Guess we got each other then, Boss. Two fucked-up people, with no friends or home, who got that way cuz of the other one. So... what... What does this mean?"
I thought about it for a moment.
"It means... we go with what we know works... and we try like hell to fix the things that don't..."
Reaching out to Faith, I hooked my fingers into the empty belt loops of her jeans.
"... and we hope to God we survive long enough until there's more of what works than what doesn't."
Tugging sharply, I pulled Faith to me and stood until she was pressed against my chest. I lowered my head only a bit, and waited for her move.
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Sure, Wes. Keep telling yourself that and maybe someday you'll finally fucking believe it.
"I wouldn't have had the backbone to do what I did before you broke me down that night. And I wouldn't have survived the time on my own, out in the dark and cold without it, either."
I laughed quietly at that, wondering why he felt that me breaking him was such a good thing. "Maybe... maybe you wouldn't ever have had to be out in the cold, like you said, if it hadn't been for me, Wes. Maybe you would've made a different choice and..." I shrugged. This talking shit was tough for me.
"Maybe you would've still had family."
He just looked at me, though, with those eyes that always saw through me only this time? This time I wasn't holding anything back from him. Me, laying out all my fucking feelings and shit for him to trample on, throw back in my face, whatev.
Who would've thought, huh?
Wes stepped closer to me, like he was making one of the biggest decisions of his life, and I stayed where I was. Hadda know. Hadda know what he was really thinking, too, since the two of us bottled up all of our shit until the breaking point and I was getting fucking sick of it.
"It means... we go with what we know works... and we try like hell to fix the things that don't... and we hope to God we survive long enough until there's more of what works than what doesn't."
Frowning up at him, I tried to figure out what the hell that was supposed to mean, when his head bent down to mine and I figured he was going in for the kiss. I shook my head and took one trembling step backward from him.
"Nah... we're not gonna do this," I whispered, wishing I had my cigs with me so I could calm myself down right now. "We've done it before and yeah, sure, it works for a bit, but that's it and..."
Fuck, here I went with the talking again. Wasn't like I didn't want to fuck him right then and there - hell, it was one of the few things we were actually good at, like he said, but...
"You still haven't given me a reason why I shouldn't go back to jail."
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I shook my head firmly. God, this was an argument I'd had with myself how often? A hundred times? A thousand? So many 'what if's in the whole situation, that weren't there at the time, when the decisions themselves had been made. And in the end, that was precisley why I'd come to believe, at least on my part, that things could not have turned out otherwise. When I'd needed to make decisions, I'd made what I was sure was the right choice, without equivocation.
"There had been cracks for a while. Something would have made it all fall apart eventually. I did what I thought I had to do, and that's all I could ever have done."
Such a very simple axiom by which I chose to live-- do Right. And how horrendously difficult it has turned out to be in practice.
I'd pulled Faith to me, lowered my head until we were a few breaths apart. To be truthful, I hadn't the slightest idea what I was doing, beyond following instinct and impulse. For a moment, Faith's head tilted back and I was sure I'd taste her mouth again, that sharp, full mix of her cigarettes and my whiskey. Instead, she pushed away.
"Nah... we're not gonna do this. We've done it before and yeah, sure, it works for a bit, but that's it and... You still haven't given me a reason why I shouldn't go back to jail."
For a few moments, I did nothing but study her face, study the features that had changed, and the ones that hadn't. The wide forehead and apple cheeks were still there, though the line of her jaw had come to be drawn sharper and more angular. Faith's full lips, of course, still pouted around the mouth that was wont to spout enough profanity to make my father blush. I'd become familiar enough with the rest of her body to know that most of her was much the same-- much as it had once been, but in a leaner, more hardened version.
And then I knew I had my answer.
"Because I don't want you to get any harder than you have. Or me, for that matter. Redemption won't find you sitting in a jail cell or me in a bar. We're going to have to go out and goddamn find it. Same road. I'd rather have company, and if I can have company, I'd rather have you. If only to keep me from... from losing me."
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I looked down, thinking hard on that one. Maybe... but guess we'd never really know now, would we? Guess my hang-up was still that... I couldn't fucking forgive me. Fine, so Wes said it's no big deal - maybe it's a big deal to me! Maybe... maybe I have nightmares about it still, lock myself in the fucking bathroom so he won't see me crying about it, get these fucking imaginary pictures of my hands covered in his blood every now and then.
Wes saying 'you're forgiven' or whatev isn't gonna change that. At least, I don't see how.
We were having a staring contest, him and me, and I couldn't figure out what was up. He kept looking, just... looking at me with those eyes that always fucking forced me to tell the truth even if I didn't speak it.
I finally broke contact and stared at the ground.
"Because I don't want you to get any harder than you have. Or me, for that matter. Redemption won't find you sitting in a jail cell or me in a bar. We're going to have to go out and goddamn find it. Same road. I'd rather have company, and if I can have company, I'd rather have you. If only to keep me from... from losing me."
I smiled a little and looked back up at him. "Don't really see how you can lose yourself, Wes, when it seems that people like you and me have never found ourselves to begin with." But, yeah, that redemption shit he went off about? I... I didn't wanna go back to jail. I just was running outta ideas.
"Fine," I decided, letting out a deep breath. "Partners. Or Watcher/Slayer like we'd originally said."
Then, I made what was either the smartest move ever or the most fucking dumb decision in the world.
"But on one condition... you call the shots from now on. All the time. And if I'm not fucking listening to you? You go ahead and be the biggest, baddest asshole to make sure we get our job done and done right."
Yeah, I was remembering that night when we'd gone after Angelus, and I was sure he was, too by now.
"And that goes for in and outta the bedroom. Deal?"
What the fuck had I just gotten myself into?
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"Don't really see how you can lose yourself, Wes, when it seems that people like you and me have never found ourselves to begin with."
I found myself with no choice but to answer the lightness of the statement with the beginnings of a smile myself. A very perceptive statement, that.
"Well, we'll just add that to the to-do list while we're at it."
She began to fidget, and that was a sure sign of Faith thinking, especially with the more difficult and important choices she'd made. Physicality was her language, and the more agitated she became mentally and emotionally, the worse the need to be moving. At least, that was my running theory. Faith stilled, which meant she'd made a decision.
"Fine... Partners. Or Watcher/Slayer like we'd originally said."
I nodded. A hell of a lot of territory had been covered in the last few days, including most of the continent, and all of it just to get back to square one. The irony was not lost on me.
"Agreed, then," I answered, though I could tell there was an addendum on its way.
"But on one condition... you call the shots from now on. All the time. And if I'm not fucking listening to you? You go ahead and be the biggest, baddest asshole to make sure we get our job done and done right. And that goes for in and outta the bedroom. Deal?"
Blinking, I reviewed the last few moments in my mind to ensure that I'd heard her correctly. It was like a switch being thrown inside my mind. I was back in the storage room in that drug den, goading Faith into the violent, angry, killer reaction that I'd wanted out of her. Something in me had known that she'd needed to be shaken, to be rattled to her very bones before she'd be strong enough to take on Angelus, and I had been that slap, that fist that had struck her with words as heavy as a sledgehammer.
Why did Faith say these things, this moment? She'd already woken that something else inside me, that side of myself that so very few had seen but her and Lilah. It had woken and stirred and came to the surface on the plane, in that bathroom, and here in this room when I turned Faith's arse red with my belt. Why was she demanding it now? Penance? Punishment?
And why did I want it to be the right thing?
It could be, I told myself. It could be just what we both needed.
And if it wasn't?
Well, then as I'd said before, we probably wouldn't survive it.
I looked up at Faith, feeling my eyes turn a darkened shade of blue.
"Done," I said in a quiet rasp. "And I think that concludes the talking for now."
I reached out for Faith to pull her toward me as I had moments before. But instead of the belt loops of her jeans, my fingers curled over the low-riding top of them, my knuckles skimming the skin below her navel before tugging hard. And this time, I didn't wait for her to kiss me.
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"Done."
I nodded and was ready to turn around and just crawl into bed, try not to have another nightmare, and then wake up so we could start our cycle all over again when he kept on talking. And holding onto me.
"And I think that concludes the talking for now."
My mouth opened to protest, but he yanked me to him hard and kissed me and... what the fuck else could I do but kiss back? Hadn't this been what I'd wanted? Someone telling me what was ok, what wasn't ok, just so that I wouldn't have to fucking think about it anymore?
I was so tired of thinking. All it did was bring up the past and I just wanted that gone. Maybe... maybe that was what redemption was really about.
My arms found their way around his neck as my tongue slipped inside his mouth, my hands threading through his hair, and I did my best not to wonder why we were doing this, why he'd agreed, why I'd even added that little bit about the fucking bedroom when I'd made my deal.
Deal with the devil and you get burned.
"Fuck..." I whispered through ragged breaths I took, coming up for air before I jumped up, my legs wrapped tight around his waist.
Burn, baby, burn...
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