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[prodigalwatcher]

"See, it doesn't work that way. You and me? We're not built for this shit. We were never meant to go out on dates or shit, you said so yourself. Hurting, fucking, hey... seems like it's all we're both good at. At least for each other."Faith's words echoed in the back of my head the entire silent way back to the hotel, all the way up to the room

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[prodigalwatcher]

"Sounds good."

Noncommittal, but we weren't arguing, fighting, crying or screwing, so at the moment, things were at least that close to all right. I needed to pick my battles with Faith much more carefully in the future, I decided.

"Nah, nothing I can think of at the moment... unless there's something else you think that... I need."

Faith poured herself another drink and let the words hang heavy. I sank a little deeper into the couch, the movie on television forgotten long ago, relegated to mere background noise as I thought on the question.

What did I think Faith needed? A hundred things, perhaps a thousand things, and I was becoming less and less confident that they were things I could give her or teach her. There was still so much anger and fear beneath her swaggering veneer, and I was amazed to learn how much of it was directed at herself. Somehow, Faith needed to lose that anger, that fear and accept herself for who she was.

But how in the hell was I expected to help her do that? I was angry at myself. I was almost afraid, as well, of the things I might be capable of. If the last year had taught me anything, it was that I was not the man I believed myself to be.

So what made me think I could help Faith at all?

I turned to look at her and remembered why I'd agreed to be her Watcher again.

I had to help her, however I could manage, whatever I had to do. I had to help her, because if I could help Faith, then there was hope for me as well.

"No, I-- I think that's a good place to start."

Leaning forward, I reached for the bottle, but found my hand shaking just a bit as it brushed the glass. Instead of taking the bottle, I stood.

"Although I do think I need some sleep, especially if we're going to train tomorrow night." I glanced at the bedroom, then back at Faith. "The couch here will be fine for me."

[wesleys_slayer]

Wes took an awful long time to answer me, as if I'd just asked him the mother of all questions or something. When he finally did, I was half-expecting it to be some sex shit, half-expecting it to be more training since I'd fucked up.

I was wrong.

"No, I-- I think that's a good place to start."

"Ok," I answered carefully, catching the little nervousness in his voice. Shit, nervous around me? Great, fucking great. I'd already messed up our relationship - whatever the hell it was - so many times, I was losing track. Just chalk this up as another time Faith fucks up, I guess.

"Although I do think I need some sleep, especially if we're going to train tomorrow night. The couch here will be fine for me."

"What?" I stood up, slamming my glass down hard on the table as I glared at him. "Oh, fuck you. What, what is it? I'm good enough to fuck, but not good enough to sleep with, is that it?" God, why wouldn't my mouth just stop moving? I didn't wanna say this, any of this.

But I couldn't stop.

"Fine. Fuck you, Wes, just go... take the couch and curl yourself up into your protective little ball while you think and re-think over all the fucking mistakes you've made in your life and alphabetize them. Why don't you start with the letter "F", for me. Ok?"

I brushed angrily past him to the bed and yanked my clothes off, crawling underneath the covers with my back to him if he even tried to come inside.

I did my best not to go through my own little list of everything I'd fucked up in my own life, starting with the letter "W".

[prodigalwatcher]

And just like that, once more, things took a horribly sharp turn, and Faith and I were careening again toward a head-on collision. We were trying, we both knew we were trying, but God only knew if we wouldn't kill each other before we finally solved anything.

"What? Oh, fuck you. What, what is it? I'm good enough to fuck, but not good enough to sleep with, is that it?"

"That's not it, Faith, and you damn well know it. After everything that's happened tonight, I thought you would want some space, that's all." I sighed heavily. "This is mad."

"Fine. Fuck you, Wes, just go... take the couch and curl yourself up into your protective little ball while you think and re-think over all the fucking mistakes you've made in your life and alphabetize them. Why don't you start with the letter 'F', for me. Ok?"

She pushed past me and stormed into the bedroom in a spectacular huff. Shaking my head, I wondered if she knew that I was more than capable of cataloging my own sins and trespasses at any moment, at the drop of a hat. I took a number of deep, slow breaths. I was angry, and that would lead to only more arguing, and at the moment, that could be disastrous.

Once I was settled, I walked into the bedroom calmly and quietly. Faith had pointedly kept her back to the door in case I came in after her. But she apparently was not able to immediately fall asleep, peeked at me over the covers and watched me, her expression a mystery.

"For the record, of course you're more than good enough to share a bed with," I said, trying desperately to keep it from sounding snappish as I slipped out of my clothes.

Undressed, I slid under the covers, and lay on my half of the large bed, on my back and staring up at the ceiling.

"Kick me out if you want, but know that I will be back tomorrow night, and the night after."

[wesleys_slayer]

"This is mad."

Well, yeah, but it wasn't like it was just me making it that way. There was something about the combo of me and Wes that always fucked things up no matter how hard we tried. Not that I wanted to get all into it with him at the moment, but... whatev, right?

Once I was settled into bed, though, I heard him come into the room. Don't turn and look at him, Faithy, just don't...

It'll be too much.

"For the record, of course you're more than good enough to share a bed with."

I almost laughed at that, but I just kept quiet with my back to him as I heard clothes falling to the floor. I was never good enough for anything, and he pretty much proved that. He was reday to come crawling into bed to fuck me, try and make it all better since it seemed to be the only way we could communicate right.

The only thing we did together right.

I felt the bed move, and he didn't touch me, though. What the fuck? Turning, I saw him on his side of the bed, a good amount of distance still between us, not looking at me. Ok, fine, now he had me totally fucking confused.

"Kick me out if you want, but know that I will be back tomorrow night, and the night after."

I wiped at a stupid fucking tear and nodded my head, realizing he wouldn't even see the gesture anyways. "Not gonna kick you out, Wes," I whispered as I shut my eyes and tried to sleep.

Didn't even realize in the middle of the night that I ended up curled next to him.