Channel Surfing
"See, it doesn't work that way. You and me? We're not built for this shit. We were never meant to go out on dates or shit, you said so yourself. Hurting, fucking, hey... seems like it's all we're both good at. At least for each other."Faith's words echoed in the back of my head the entire silent way back to the hotel, all the way up to the room
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"Yeah," I agreed. "pretty much." Cuz, what else could you really say? It was Showgirls for crying out loud.
"Faith, sit-- we'll watch the disaster."
I eyed him as he made room for me to sit, drinks all ready to go, and I slipped down next to him. Not talking. Yeah, we were fucking good at that. Fight, fuck, avoid. I'd said it before and hell... here we were again. Onto step number three.
Didn't really mind it all that much though. The cigs had helped calm me a bit, and as I took a sip of the whiskey, it burned and made it all better at once. Sorta like the way Wes had made me feel when he'd taken that belt across me, hurting me.
Couldn't explain it, but there ya had it. And I didn't wanna fuck it all up again, so I tried to just sit and watch the horror show on TV next to the man who could break, bend, and mold me the same as I could do to him.
Wes brought over a menu for more food and I finally broke out into a grin. A real one.
"What're you in the mood for?"
"Shit, you hafta ask? Pizza, Wes. Thought you'd know better by now," I winked as I shoved the menu back at him and watched the TV, not really wanting to say much more than that.
This was nice. This was ok.
And I didn't wanna fuck this up.
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I laughed and nodded, taking the menu from her and scanning it for the desired dinner. After placing the order for Faith's pizza and a salad and sandwich for myself-- plus bottled watter to keep us from having raging hangovers the next morning, I settled back onto the couch. On the television, our 'heroine' had moved from the strip club to the chorus of a casino stage show.
"I've never quite understood why people pay such exorbitant prices for tickets to these kinds of shows..." I wondered out loud.
Noticing the lack of alcohol in my glass, I leaned forward and reached for the bottle, eyes still on the screen. My hand slid across Faith's as she reached for it at the same time. Something like an electric spark passed between us as it did every time we touched. I avoided the physical urge to flinch and simply sat back.
Faith filled her own glass, and then was kind enough to do so for mine, as well. As I watched, something itched at the back of my mind. Was there no possiblity for even the slightest casual contact between us, without it sparking off a fight or another round of fucking? Were she and I that far gone?
From the corner of my eye, I saw Faith's hand laying casually beside her as she watched the movie. Reaching for my glass, I swallowed down a bit of Dutch courage before making my attempt. As innocuously as I could make it seem, after setting my glass down on the table, my hand fell lightly atop Faith's. I didn't look over or acknowledge it except perhaps with the tiniest of pressure.
It wasn't a 'date', it wasn't even really 'holding hands', but it might be something. Something to tell us that we might one day be somewhere close to all right.
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I shrugged. "Me neither, especially since you're not gonna get any after its all over. Least with the little strip clubs? You have a shot." I winced a bit after I opened my big fucking mouth, though, cuz wasn't that what had started all of this? Me and that blonde I'd picked up?
I needed a fucking drink.
I reached out for one, but kinda brushed Wes' hand as he went for it. Shit this could turn all sorts of awkward, really fast, if I wasn't careful. So I just sat there, drinking my drink, and watching the movie.
I looked down at my hand when I felt Wes put his there, then looked back up at him, frowning. What, did he think we were fine now? Like we were on some fucking date? I pulled my hand away and ran it nervously through my hair before downing all of my drink.
"So, when does training begin?" I asked, deciding it was time to get down to why I was here to begin with. "Honestly, I froze when you were in trouble that one fight. I don't wanna have that happen again."
C'mon Wes, just... let this one go. For now.
Please.
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The needle moved back away from the more comfortable end of the dial for a moment, and I realized we'd stepped just a touch into territory that needed to stay out of bounds for a while. It passed, thankfully.
Both of us reaching for the bottle of whiskey, our hands brushed, but Faith drew hers out from under mine a few seconds later. Mentally, I nodded, understanding the signal. At this point, no contact was casual, not after everything that had happened. I withdrew my own hand without protest.
"So, when does training begin? Honestly, I froze when you were in trouble that one fight. I don't wanna have that happen again."
I took a slow sip of my whiskey as I considered my response. Honestly, I hadn't noticed any kind of hesitation on Faith's part during the altercation with the M'Fashnik demons, but then again, I'd been rather busy being strangled. Nodding, I set my glass down.
"I should think there wouldn't be much trouble finding suitable prey in as large a city as this. There has to be a supernatural underground, we only need to find a door or two."
Letting the veneer of professionalism make the proceedings more comfortable, I began organizing the best way to find ourselves some 'action' tomorrow night. There were at least one or two contacts that I might still be able to utilize.
"Is there anything precisely that you'd like to work on besides focus?"
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And the dance began again. Hey, wasn't like I didn't mind the carefree shit between us and I sure as hell didn't mind the fucking... but I still had a job to do. And if Giles found out exactly what had been going on between me and Wes? I was sure he wouldn't exactly approve.
Hell, Angel probably wouldn't either, for that matter.
"Sounds good," I replied casually as I watched more TV. Made me wonder exactly what was going on in that mind of his, though...
"Is there anything precisely that you'd like to work on besides focus?"
I shook my head. "Nah, nothing I can think of at the moment." I looked over at him, wondering if he had meant training, or something else. "Unless..."
I sighed and shook my head, reaching forward to pour myself another drink and just give into the fucking numbness I wanted or needed or whatever.
"... unless there's something else you think that... I need."
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Noncommittal, but we weren't arguing, fighting, crying or screwing, so at the moment, things were at least that close to all right. I needed to pick my battles with Faith much more carefully in the future, I decided.
"Nah, nothing I can think of at the moment... unless there's something else you think that... I need."
Faith poured herself another drink and let the words hang heavy. I sank a little deeper into the couch, the movie on television forgotten long ago, relegated to mere background noise as I thought on the question.
What did I think Faith needed? A hundred things, perhaps a thousand things, and I was becoming less and less confident that they were things I could give her or teach her. There was still so much anger and fear beneath her swaggering veneer, and I was amazed to learn how much of it was directed at herself. Somehow, Faith needed to lose that anger, that fear and accept herself for who she was.
But how in the hell was I expected to help her do that? I was angry at myself. I was almost afraid, as well, of the things I might be capable of. If the last year had taught me anything, it was that I was not the man I believed myself to be.
So what made me think I could help Faith at all?
I turned to look at her and remembered why I'd agreed to be her Watcher again.
I had to help her, however I could manage, whatever I had to do. I had to help her, because if I could help Faith, then there was hope for me as well.
"No, I-- I think that's a good place to start."
Leaning forward, I reached for the bottle, but found my hand shaking just a bit as it brushed the glass. Instead of taking the bottle, I stood.
"Although I do think I need some sleep, especially if we're going to train tomorrow night." I glanced at the bedroom, then back at Faith. "The couch here will be fine for me."
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I was wrong.
"No, I-- I think that's a good place to start."
"Ok," I answered carefully, catching the little nervousness in his voice. Shit, nervous around me? Great, fucking great. I'd already messed up our relationship - whatever the hell it was - so many times, I was losing track. Just chalk this up as another time Faith fucks up, I guess.
"Although I do think I need some sleep, especially if we're going to train tomorrow night. The couch here will be fine for me."
"What?" I stood up, slamming my glass down hard on the table as I glared at him. "Oh, fuck you. What, what is it? I'm good enough to fuck, but not good enough to sleep with, is that it?" God, why wouldn't my mouth just stop moving? I didn't wanna say this, any of this.
But I couldn't stop.
"Fine. Fuck you, Wes, just go... take the couch and curl yourself up into your protective little ball while you think and re-think over all the fucking mistakes you've made in your life and alphabetize them. Why don't you start with the letter "F", for me. Ok?"
I brushed angrily past him to the bed and yanked my clothes off, crawling underneath the covers with my back to him if he even tried to come inside.
I did my best not to go through my own little list of everything I'd fucked up in my own life, starting with the letter "W".
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"What? Oh, fuck you. What, what is it? I'm good enough to fuck, but not good enough to sleep with, is that it?"
"That's not it, Faith, and you damn well know it. After everything that's happened tonight, I thought you would want some space, that's all." I sighed heavily. "This is mad."
"Fine. Fuck you, Wes, just go... take the couch and curl yourself up into your protective little ball while you think and re-think over all the fucking mistakes you've made in your life and alphabetize them. Why don't you start with the letter 'F', for me. Ok?"
She pushed past me and stormed into the bedroom in a spectacular huff. Shaking my head, I wondered if she knew that I was more than capable of cataloging my own sins and trespasses at any moment, at the drop of a hat. I took a number of deep, slow breaths. I was angry, and that would lead to only more arguing, and at the moment, that could be disastrous.
Once I was settled, I walked into the bedroom calmly and quietly. Faith had pointedly kept her back to the door in case I came in after her. But she apparently was not able to immediately fall asleep, peeked at me over the covers and watched me, her expression a mystery.
"For the record, of course you're more than good enough to share a bed with," I said, trying desperately to keep it from sounding snappish as I slipped out of my clothes.
Undressed, I slid under the covers, and lay on my half of the large bed, on my back and staring up at the ceiling.
"Kick me out if you want, but know that I will be back tomorrow night, and the night after."
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Well, yeah, but it wasn't like it was just me making it that way. There was something about the combo of me and Wes that always fucked things up no matter how hard we tried. Not that I wanted to get all into it with him at the moment, but... whatev, right?
Once I was settled into bed, though, I heard him come into the room. Don't turn and look at him, Faithy, just don't...
It'll be too much.
"For the record, of course you're more than good enough to share a bed with."
I almost laughed at that, but I just kept quiet with my back to him as I heard clothes falling to the floor. I was never good enough for anything, and he pretty much proved that. He was reday to come crawling into bed to fuck me, try and make it all better since it seemed to be the only way we could communicate right.
The only thing we did together right.
I felt the bed move, and he didn't touch me, though. What the fuck? Turning, I saw him on his side of the bed, a good amount of distance still between us, not looking at me. Ok, fine, now he had me totally fucking confused.
"Kick me out if you want, but know that I will be back tomorrow night, and the night after."
I wiped at a stupid fucking tear and nodded my head, realizing he wouldn't even see the gesture anyways. "Not gonna kick you out, Wes," I whispered as I shut my eyes and tried to sleep.
Didn't even realize in the middle of the night that I ended up curled next to him.
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