My question, as well, Faith. Don't ask me to explain, because I don't think I can. You and I both know how deep and labyrinthine the space between us is, and how little either one of us knows about it, let alone having the ability to navigate it.
"No, Wes, you're not."
I shrugged, a somewhat pointless gesture, considering the fact that neither of us was looking at the other, but there wasn't anything I could really think of to say.
"I wish I could make sense. Then I might understand things myself."
"Look, I'm... I'm not sure even what happened there, ok? Yeah, I got off on it all too, so don't go beating yourself up over it."
A wry, bitter smile came to my face and I was finally able to turn my head to glance Faith's way. She was still staring straight ahead, her face obscured by the tousled fall of her dark brown hair.
"You and I both know me well enough to know that is inevitable. But I appreciate the suggestion."
She ran a hand through that hair, thinking, and still pointedly avoiding my gaze. I wondered if she could feel that I was finally looking at her now.
"Those scars on your chest? Cuz of me? They're fucking beautiful, too, Wes."
It took a moment or two to allow the words to sink in. I'd come to know this new Faith well enough to realize that she wouldn't find them beautiful for the pain and cruelty they would remind one of-- not anymore.
"They are a part of me. They're part of who I am now, the man I've become."
"You and I both know me well enough to know that is inevitable. But I appreciate the suggestion."
I sighed. Hey, I tried, I fucking tried. "Fine, Wes, go kick yourself for all that, then. But just between you and me? When you get scary and shit? You're fucking hot, so just... shut up."
Someone better make me shut up too, since once again, I was way too much with the talking. I wondered if what I'd said to him made any sorta sense.
"They are a part of me. They're part of who I am now, the man I've become."
"Well, yeah," I agreed. "Shit like that's bound to change us." Fuck, I needed another drink or a cig, and fast. "Order me up something to kill my talking. Vodka, anything."
I let my head rest on the seat and tried to think of us - cuz hey, I wasn't that stupid to realize that there wasn't an 'us' by now - and... I dunno. It was like we were both so hurt by what the other one had done to us, but it had changed us both. For the better... I think. Yeah, we were all pulling for the good guys now, but it didn't necessarily make us good.
"I like you this way, Wes, even if I can't really figure you out. So... don't bother trying to change back to wussy-Watcher0guy on my account, ok? We're gonna fuck, we're gonna hurt each other more, and we're both gonna get off on it." I shrugged. "We'll just both have to deal with that."
I laughed a little and added, "You didn't choke me when you could've back there, after all."
"Fine, Wes, go kick yourself for all that, then. But just between you and me? When you get scary and shit? You're fucking hot, so just... shut up."
I opened my mouth, then closed it. It wasn't much of a secret that I was quite the expert at self-abuse and beating myself up about damn near anything that I felt I'd done wrong. Faith had also made it clear that she wanted nothing to do with it, and was consistently frustrated and infuriated by it.
"Well, yeah... Shit like that's bound to change us. Order me up something to kill my talking. Vodka, anything."
I touched the call button for the flight attendant, who, coming from the rear service area, gave both of us quite a look before allowing herself to be convinced to serve us one more drink. Once the miniscule vodka bottles arrived, and we were alone again, and with the alcohol and a bit of a breather, it did seem that the mood lightened just a touch.
"I like you this way, Wes, even if I can't really figure you out. So... don't bother trying to change back to wussy-Watcher-guy on my account, ok? We're gonna fuck, we're gonna hurt each other more, and we're both gonna get off on it. We'll just both have to deal with that."
Looking at Faith, I found a new kind of respect for the young woman. As ever, she'd reduced the situation down to its most basic, most visceral truths. This time, though, it demonstrated a much more mature understanding of something that was confusing the hell out of both of us.
"Well said," I replied. "Very well said, Faith. And so terribly true."
"You didn't choke me when you could've back there, after all."
There was a moment of surprise until I realized Faith had meant the comment in jest. I responded with a knowing smirk.
"A man has to keep a few tricks up his sleeve for later..."
My question, as well, Faith. Don't ask me to explain, because I don't think I can. You and I both know how deep and labyrinthine the space between us is, and how little either one of us knows about it, let alone having the ability to navigate it.
"No, Wes, you're not."
I shrugged, a somewhat pointless gesture, considering the fact that neither of us was looking at the other, but there wasn't anything I could really think of to say.
"I wish I could make sense. Then I might understand things myself."
"Look, I'm... I'm not sure even what happened there, ok? Yeah, I got off on it all too, so don't go beating yourself up over it."
A wry, bitter smile came to my face and I was finally able to turn my head to glance Faith's way. She was still staring straight ahead, her face obscured by the tousled fall of her dark brown hair.
"You and I both know me well enough to know that is inevitable. But I appreciate the suggestion."
She ran a hand through that hair, thinking, and still pointedly avoiding my gaze. I wondered if she could feel that I was finally looking at her now.
"Those scars on your chest? Cuz of me? They're fucking beautiful, too, Wes."
It took a moment or two to allow the words to sink in. I'd come to know this new Faith well enough to realize that she wouldn't find them beautiful for the pain and cruelty they would remind one of-- not anymore.
"They are a part of me. They're part of who I am now, the man I've become."
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I sighed. Hey, I tried, I fucking tried. "Fine, Wes, go kick yourself for all that, then. But just between you and me? When you get scary and shit? You're fucking hot, so just... shut up."
Someone better make me shut up too, since once again, I was way too much with the talking. I wondered if what I'd said to him made any sorta sense.
"They are a part of me. They're part of who I am now, the man I've become."
"Well, yeah," I agreed. "Shit like that's bound to change us." Fuck, I needed another drink or a cig, and fast. "Order me up something to kill my talking. Vodka, anything."
I let my head rest on the seat and tried to think of us - cuz hey, I wasn't that stupid to realize that there wasn't an 'us' by now - and... I dunno. It was like we were both so hurt by what the other one had done to us, but it had changed us both. For the better... I think. Yeah, we were all pulling for the good guys now, but it didn't necessarily make us good.
"I like you this way, Wes, even if I can't really figure you out. So... don't bother trying to change back to wussy-Watcher0guy on my account, ok? We're gonna fuck, we're gonna hurt each other more, and we're both gonna get off on it." I shrugged. "We'll just both have to deal with that."
I laughed a little and added, "You didn't choke me when you could've back there, after all."
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I opened my mouth, then closed it. It wasn't much of a secret that I was quite the expert at self-abuse and beating myself up about damn near anything that I felt I'd done wrong. Faith had also made it clear that she wanted nothing to do with it, and was consistently frustrated and infuriated by it.
"Well, yeah... Shit like that's bound to change us. Order me up something to kill my talking. Vodka, anything."
I touched the call button for the flight attendant, who, coming from the rear service area, gave both of us quite a look before allowing herself to be convinced to serve us one more drink. Once the miniscule vodka bottles arrived, and we were alone again, and with the alcohol and a bit of a breather, it did seem that the mood lightened just a touch.
"I like you this way, Wes, even if I can't really figure you out. So... don't bother trying to change back to wussy-Watcher-guy on my account, ok? We're gonna fuck, we're gonna hurt each other more, and we're both gonna get off on it. We'll just both have to deal with that."
Looking at Faith, I found a new kind of respect for the young woman. As ever, she'd reduced the situation down to its most basic, most visceral truths. This time, though, it demonstrated a much more mature understanding of something that was confusing the hell out of both of us.
"Well said," I replied. "Very well said, Faith. And so terribly true."
"You didn't choke me when you could've back there, after all."
There was a moment of surprise until I realized Faith had meant the comment in jest. I responded with a knowing smirk.
"A man has to keep a few tricks up his sleeve for later..."
It seemed enough, at least for the moment.
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