Down to Two
A few hours after the run-in with the M'Fashnik demons, Faith and I were again on our own. At the bar, Ms. Finn had been rather cagey about her identity and just what she was doing fighting demons in downtown Las Vegas, but after being informed about Faith's and my backgrounds, Sam became a sight more talkative. I'd heard about the Initiative and
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If she had, I would've been in the middle of some fight back at Fremont Street and Wes would get to watch two chicks mud-wrestle. Some fucking fantasy, most likely...
Oh, who the hell was I kidding. I wouldn't know any of Wes' fantasies unless he told me. Which, I was thinking, wasn't gonna happen anytime soon.
Shrugged outta my jacket and lit up a cig once we were back in the relative safe confines of our room, and just sat on the bed. I don't think he got it. He almost died. Almost fucking died, and I couldn't have stopped it. I'd been frozen, or too far away, or something. It was all so hazy and I couldn't figure it out, or remember it right.
"First fight in the new era of our Slayer and Watcher-hood. What did you think?"
"What did I think?" I repeated as I blew some smoke out, avoiding his eyes and rubbing my legs. "Think I fucked up royally. Think you're taking it far too lightly, everything that happened." I took another drag before laughing and adding, "And I think I'm glad Sam is gone so she doesn't figure out I slept with her husband. What about you, boss?"
Yeah, turn the tables on him. Always good at that.
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"What did I think? Think I fucked up royally. Think you're taking it far too lightly, everything that happened."
I turned around, ignoring the stab of painful protest from my ribs, clearly aghast at Faith's suggestion.
"Faith, you'll excuse me, but what in the bloody hell are you talking about? There wasn't a single casualty except the demons who we were supposed to kill. I got sloppy, and I'm a little beat up, but that's it."
Shaking my head, I moved a little closer to Faith, my shocked tones softening a bit.
"We really have come a ways if you're chastising me for being too cavalier." I sighed. "Faith, I know that if it had just been us, you would have saved me. I have no doubt."
"And I think I'm glad Sam is gone so she doesn't figure out I slept with her husband. What about you, boss?"
"You did what...?"
My mouth gaped for a few seconds. Samantha had filled us in on a number of details, and I sifted through them as best I could. Agent Riley Finn, her estranged husband, had been in Sunnydale, and with Buffy for about the year and a half after both Faith and I had left town. I knew Faith had returned to Sunnydale prior to her visit to Los Angeles, but the timeline didn't work out quite right.
"However it happened, then, yes, I'm thankful we didn't have to go through that particular confrontation. I've no wish to discuss your previous sexual encounters, Faith, any more than I think you'd like to discuss mine."
With a frown and a slightly soured feeling, I headed for the bar and poured myself a whiskey.
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Sure, that's it. And my name's Buffy-fucking-Summers.
"Faith, I know that if it had just been us, you would have saved me. I have no doubt."
I nodded, finishing up my cig and walking over to the balcony. "Cool, glad one of us is sure of that. Cuz me? Hey, boss, I'm not feeling it." Shit, there were a lot of things I was feeling, but confident in myself and my abilities sure as hell wasn't one of them.
I just stood and watched the waters of the fountain dance below me.
How the fuck was I supposed to do this? I froze. I fucking froze!
"I've no wish to discuss your previous sexual encounters, Faith, any more than I think you'd like to discuss mine."
I laughed. You had to, at that one. Yeah, neither of us wanted to talk about sex with the other. Suuuuuuure. I spun around, my arms resting on the railing of the balcony as I eyed Wes getting a drink.
"Funny about that, boss. Cuz you and me? We sure have been doing a good job of avoiding talking about that one night, haven't we?"
My smile stayed in place even as my hands gripped the railing tighter as I waited for his response. Fuck! Why was this shit getting to me so much?
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Faith rose and stepped out onto the balcony. The sounds of the street and the music played for the fountain show rose up and into the room, but my focus was all on my Slayer. Leaning forward, elbows on my knees, I thought over her words, even as I replied to them.
"We're still trying to figure all this out, Faith. You and I have never been a typical Watcher and Slayer, and everything is a dozen times more complicated than before. The trust... it can take time."
The words, I thought, sounded confident and reassuring. But, I wondered, did I really mean it all? Without hesitation, I had complete and utter conviction in Faith's abilities. I knew I could rely on her strength, her speed, and even her own reckless brand of bravery in any confrontation.
But did I trust her?
I wasn't entirely sure, though I did feel that if at that very moment, I didn't trust her that I would, one day.
All of it, of course, I thought ruefully, was totally independent of whether or not I trusted myself-- to make the right decisions, to be the kind of Watcher that Faith needed, all of it.
I'd barely taken a sip of my drink when Faith turned back towards me, a strange, almost amused look on her face.
"Funny about that, boss. Cuz you and me? We sure have been doing a good job of avoiding talking about that one night, haven't we?"
Blinking, it took me a few moments to understand what Faith was talking about and where she'd taken the turn of thought from the liaison she'd apparently had with Agent Riley Finn at some point in history to the one we'd shared in Los Angeles, months ago. I'd spoken of past sexual encounters, and Faith had immediately made reference to ours, rather than the one I'd meant.
The evident tension in Faith's expression, in her posture, told me that the subject was making her anxious to an almost worrisome extent. I had always believed that Faith was a woman who treated her sex life with the same cavalier attitude that she applied to most everything else. And, after the debacle of being with Lilah, I was more than aware of the separation of sex and emotion.
But, I was coming to realize, this was a different, more mature Faith. Was it possible that our being together had had more meaning than I'd realized? As the memory of that hurried, blazingly intense encounter flickered through my mind, I realized that I was a fool for ever thinking it hadn't meant a thousand things.
I crossed the penthouse's living room and stood just past the sliding glass doors that lead out onto the balcony, perhaps a foot or two from Faith's searching gaze, my drink, almost forgotten, still in my hand. A heartbeat or two passed before I said anything.
"I can't lie and say that I haven't thought about it," I began quietly, "and I can't lie and say that I understand all of the whys and wherefores. But I haven't been avoiding it, at least not consciously."
Glancing up at her, I tried to read the drowning-deep brown eyes.
"Did you want to talk about that night?"
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More than me not being able to be there for him in the fight.
"I can't lie and say that I haven't thought about it, and I can't lie and say that I understand all of the whys and wherefores. But I haven't been avoiding it, at least not consciously."
"Ok," I said, and couldn't think of anything else to really add, since he hadn't fucking given me anything. He'd thought about it? Fuck that! Of course he would, it was me! Anyone would, anyone would think of it, and remember how fucking awesome it was... they would.
Shit.
I gulped and just stared at those eyes that knew everything about me somehow. Well, except for how fucking scared I was right now...nah, he knew. Even that, he must've known.
When he put down his drink and walked over to me, though, I think my heart stopped completely. Felt like that girl he'd scooped up a lifetime ago from jail and taken back to his apartment for a fucking awesome one night. One night that had been too fucking short cuz of Angelus, cuz of us not talking, cuz of a million things.
But I had on my 'who gives a shit' face, so even if he told me to fuck off, I'd be fine.
"Did you want to talk about that night?"
"Sure, why not?" And I couldn't look at Wes anymore then. Hadda look at the ground, his shoes, anything. My hands released the railing and I was wringing them a bit, just trying to keep myself busy. "Let's talk. So, you think about it? What do you think about? I seem to remember you saying it wasn't good enough or something."
Cuz it had been too short, he'd told me later, but whatev. The hurt was still the same.
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I was still observing, still studying Faith for her reactions, the 'tells' and subtle body language that I was still trying to decipher. Even after everything that had happened in the last few days, the young woman was still infuriatingly engimatic at times-- at the most inopportune times, of course.
There were other moments, though, when I believed that I could read Faith like a book, when it was as if I understood her better than anyone else possibly could. I hadn't lied to her that night when I'd described us as being of a kind. But it was the times when I hadn't the slightest idea what she could be thinking that were just as fascinating.
Now, all I could see was something I never thought I'd see from her, at least not ever again. Once more, I was pushed back to that night, when I'd learned there was a vulnerability beneath the bravado... a young woman who could be just as frightened and needing and honest as anyone. That was something I thought I saw now, as Faith's eyes stayed low and dodging.
"Let's talk. So, you think about it? What do you think about? I seem to remember you saying it wasn't good enough or something."
I took two steps closer, and suddenly there was less than a foot between us. Dry, cool desert air swept up at us, sending dark tendrils of her hair flicking softly. With a low laugh, I shook my head.
"Faith, I don't think there was a thing about it that might be considered 'not good enough' by any mark. It wasn't enough, though. You and I both know that there's a thousand things between us that have never been settled, and God only knows when they will. But that night... it helped."
Taking a deep breath, I realized just how terribly words served to describe things as horribly complicated as my relationship with my Slayer.
"At least, I think it did. I think... I think I know you better, somehow." Off of the expression I was returned, I smirked. "And I don't mean just because we slept together. I'm talking about really knowing you."
At my side, my hand nearly twitched with the impulse to touch her.
"I think about how much I wanted-- and still want-- to help you, and how you told me that you didn't need saving. And you? Do you think about it?"
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Fuck. I wanted to cry, cuz even though he'd said it before? The hurt was just a little bit more... gone now. Every fucking sweet thing he said to me just made it all slowly better. Couldn't tell him that, though. So I just stood there, staring up at him as he stepped even closer to me and then I had to fight to not touch him, to not tell him that he was making it all better.
Fuck, why couldn't he just make it all better?
"I think... I think I know you better, somehow...And I don't mean just because we slept together. I'm talking about really knowing you."
"Really?" Didn't think anyone really knew me, except maybe Angel. Well, even then? Angel didn't know everything. Shit, I wasn't sure I knew the real me. How could Wes be sure?
I wanted it, though. So bad, I wanted him to know me. I think... I think I needed someone to know me.
And to not fucking bolt after they did.
"I think about how much I wanted-- and still want-- to help you, and how you told me that you didn't need saving. And you? Do you think about it?"
"Don't need any help, Wes, just need my Watcher," I whispered as I managed to pry my eyes away from his to stare at the ground again. Seemed I was either totally entranced by those eyes, or scared shitless of them.
"I think about it," I admitted, scared of telling him the next part but fuck it. I could always beat the shit outta him if he laughed at me.
"I'm thinking about it right now."
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