And it's that.
I wonder sometimes...about everything.
I question so many things. The wind and rewind and unwind in my head; spreading ropes around my brain and trying to climb to the top and claim their ideas as permanent.
It's so childish.
There's so much things I want to say. I'm puking out the words, but the saliva and the vomit are translucent and untouchable. No matter how much I want to say, when I barf it out, no one hears it. No one understands it. No one wants to, anyways.
I used to live such a simple life. Come home and do my homework, watch some anime, write some stories, talk to my friend(s), etc. Sometimes I'd have piano, or a hangout, but it wouldn't thoroughly effect me. Now, life is so much complicated. There's so much more things I have to do. So much responsibility, so much work.
I have to worry about my future now. I can't nap, I can't write stories, I can't watch anime. There's too much homework, too much tests, and too much thinking being wasted on worrying about my future career. Why am I so fixated on victory? Why do I want to have the highest grades and be the smartest? My friends think I'm, "ignoring," them, or, "forgetting about them," or even, "avoiding them." What a crock of shit.
You guys cause my misery, I hope you realize that.
You're so needy, and you keep on bitching about how you have such a horrible life. Grow the fuck up. There's more people who suffer more than you do on this earth. Stop being so full of yourself and so whiny.
Complaining how you're gay and how everyone hates you. At least you have a GSA and gay parades. I was fucking raped by a close female friend every goddamn sleepover. Apply imagery to that, and think about your, "petty problems." You complain that you need more friends, or that everyone thinks I'm cooler than you. Bitch, you have a whole clique of friends. Sure, I talk to a lot of people, and say, "hi," to a lot of people, but do I hang out with any of them, or sit with them at lunch, or talk to them about my problems? No, I don't. I don't have a little clique of friends; I just swerve from one group to another. Plus, I have this great friend who turned out to be a two faced, lying bitch, who ditched me multiple times, forgets I'm sitting right in front of her, and I have to slap her in the face to keep her from ignoring me. Yeah, great friends I have, eh? Then lastly, there's my little long distance friend. All this whining and complaining about pills, and cutting. It's nothing at all. I know tons of people who take pills and cut (me, for example). There's way worse things going on in the world. Your problems are just minuscule. Believe me; there's a lot more people who have suffered much more. Andrej has scars everywhere, Talia's sister has been to jail and is the same as Andrej. They're everywhere. Fresh and lined with crusty blood, or still trying to fade. Think about me. Think about me.
Think about me. Think about everything that has happened to me.
Then think about you.
Compare.
And see a difference.
You will realize.
That I have suffered just as much, if not more.
Did you know, that my friend Kyle...the one who lived in the U.S. who used to phone me on my birthday and such.
He committed suicide. He's dead. No one knows why. Not even me.
Then, I had to deal with unrequited love. You think you'll never have the guy you love? Think about me. The guy I love...will never, no matter what, love me. I can never even picture him with another girl and pretend its me. Because it will never happen. Never.
I also, had to put up with Ida ditching me and completely forgetting about me. All those cliques I used to be with, abandoned me. If Talia's not at school, I'm all alone.
I don't even have a counselor, and I can't, because all the dates are booked. Always.
Though yet, I keep trucking on.
Eager to see the world.
And why is that?
Why would I want to live?
To do well in life.
And to stop the self-harm.
And the hatred for everyone.
Why do I want to just move on?
You know why?
Because this is me.
And I'm not worrying about you.
All of you.
Excess baggage.
Who keep on bringing me down, and trying to make me feel like crap.
You guys...are horrible.
And that's what you will always be.
- Christine
I question so many things. The wind and rewind and unwind in my head; spreading ropes around my brain and trying to climb to the top and claim their ideas as permanent.
It's so childish.
There's so much things I want to say. I'm puking out the words, but the saliva and the vomit are translucent and untouchable. No matter how much I want to say, when I barf it out, no one hears it. No one understands it. No one wants to, anyways.
I used to live such a simple life. Come home and do my homework, watch some anime, write some stories, talk to my friend(s), etc. Sometimes I'd have piano, or a hangout, but it wouldn't thoroughly effect me. Now, life is so much complicated. There's so much more things I have to do. So much responsibility, so much work.
I have to worry about my future now. I can't nap, I can't write stories, I can't watch anime. There's too much homework, too much tests, and too much thinking being wasted on worrying about my future career. Why am I so fixated on victory? Why do I want to have the highest grades and be the smartest? My friends think I'm, "ignoring," them, or, "forgetting about them," or even, "avoiding them." What a crock of shit.
You guys cause my misery, I hope you realize that.
You're so needy, and you keep on bitching about how you have such a horrible life. Grow the fuck up. There's more people who suffer more than you do on this earth. Stop being so full of yourself and so whiny.
Complaining how you're gay and how everyone hates you. At least you have a GSA and gay parades. I was fucking raped by a close female friend every goddamn sleepover. Apply imagery to that, and think about your, "petty problems." You complain that you need more friends, or that everyone thinks I'm cooler than you. Bitch, you have a whole clique of friends. Sure, I talk to a lot of people, and say, "hi," to a lot of people, but do I hang out with any of them, or sit with them at lunch, or talk to them about my problems? No, I don't. I don't have a little clique of friends; I just swerve from one group to another. Plus, I have this great friend who turned out to be a two faced, lying bitch, who ditched me multiple times, forgets I'm sitting right in front of her, and I have to slap her in the face to keep her from ignoring me. Yeah, great friends I have, eh? Then lastly, there's my little long distance friend. All this whining and complaining about pills, and cutting. It's nothing at all. I know tons of people who take pills and cut (me, for example). There's way worse things going on in the world. Your problems are just minuscule. Believe me; there's a lot more people who have suffered much more. Andrej has scars everywhere, Talia's sister has been to jail and is the same as Andrej. They're everywhere. Fresh and lined with crusty blood, or still trying to fade. Think about me. Think about me.
Think about me. Think about everything that has happened to me.
Then think about you.
Compare.
And see a difference.
You will realize.
That I have suffered just as much, if not more.
Did you know, that my friend Kyle...the one who lived in the U.S. who used to phone me on my birthday and such.
He committed suicide. He's dead. No one knows why. Not even me.
Then, I had to deal with unrequited love. You think you'll never have the guy you love? Think about me. The guy I love...will never, no matter what, love me. I can never even picture him with another girl and pretend its me. Because it will never happen. Never.
I also, had to put up with Ida ditching me and completely forgetting about me. All those cliques I used to be with, abandoned me. If Talia's not at school, I'm all alone.
I don't even have a counselor, and I can't, because all the dates are booked. Always.
Though yet, I keep trucking on.
Eager to see the world.
And why is that?
Why would I want to live?
To do well in life.
And to stop the self-harm.
And the hatred for everyone.
Why do I want to just move on?
You know why?
Because this is me.
And I'm not worrying about you.
All of you.
Excess baggage.
Who keep on bringing me down, and trying to make me feel like crap.
You guys...are horrible.
And that's what you will always be.
- Christine