Rant #2 (By: Christine)
Humans...all of us. At times, we're so stupid, and so foolish.
Let death take me away from my problems; everything will be over. I will float along in a limbo of absent mindedness.
These cuts symbolize my hardships and pains.
Suicide isn't an act of weakness. It is the realization of the revelation that there is nothing truly worth living for. It's basically a final, "fuck you," to everybody.
Cutting is at least better than suicide. I'm still alive; just easing my problems by letting the physical pain overcome the power of the emotional pain.
Listen: these thoughts, these opinions...are inevitably twisted.
I have lurked in the darkness before; I know what it's like.
The pain that I have experienced, might be trivial and insignificant to some, but to me...it has affected my entire life and existence. As a little child, I experienced the severity of bullying from almost everyone, the betrayal and abuse (verbally, physically, cyber, and emotionally), of my best friends, who later betrayed me and left me hanging with wretched thoughts of them. Later that year, my friend and I experienced the first few steps of an everlasting depression, a failed suicide pact, and everything involving that. We went through counselling, and everything horrible. I myself, I did some messed up things as well; I joined an online suicide club, and participated in their live meetup, lay on train tracks awaiting my destiny, and tried to kill myself. Not once, not twice, but a total of five times since then.
Thanks to this...thanks to fucking all of this. I am now, tarnished and confusing. I have become extremely antisocial; you know how many times Andrej tried to convince me to hang out with him? I just...nowadays, I don't want to become close friends with people. I'm scared that they'll one day abandon me for others and all my care, love, and friendship was a waste of years and precious minutes. I constantly lie, and constantly put things off until last second. I can never, ever truly tell anybody what I really feel, or what I really want to. I'm uncomfortable with hugging and touching; it sends alerts and signals all over my body, and not positive ones either. Things nowadays, anything really...can only make me happy for a few moments and seconds, before I go back to being my normal, depressed, antisocial, misanthropic self, while having the facade of someone who's happy, quirky, positive, optimistic, and outgoing to my parents, classmates, and even majority of my friends.
Vinny and I, we're probably and obviously still self-harming, however, I think about all of this, and do what Andrej taught me: "look at things, from two-perspectives; your own, and from an opposing person."
And you know what, I wonder now:
What the hell, was I fucking thinking?
We were meant to live, to live. Why are we trying to end that? If we were meant to die whenever we wanted, why didn't we naturally? That's why I realized that suicide is wrong. There are people, struggling for dear life in the hospital; dying from some sort of incurable illness or disease, or suffering for injuries that will eventually destroy them inside out. I realize, that as cruel as it sounds: those people are the ones who were supposed to die, not us. Just because we're suicidal, does not mean we're supposed to die, because we've yet to drop dead. We're just toppling under the weight of the world; showing our obvious signs of weakness.
When it comes to self-harm, we obviously do it because we want to rid of the emotional pain, and focus on the physical pain that will eventually heal. Look, memories will never fade; we're always going to have memories, good and bad, and they'll always stay with us; no matter what. Some people, like my friend Ida, choose to ignore them and move on with life and be happy and optimistic the whole way through. Others, like Vinny and I, are affected by the sadness and memories every day. However, we have to stop it.
If we were meant to cut and self-harm, there would be pre-cut scars all over us; ready to be reactivated, but since it's not right, there isn't. There is no peaking gaps or fine lines that say, "cut here," on our body. Our skin is what holds our insides and soul together; it was never meant to be teared open and to be peered inside. There are other ways to cope with sadness and emotion. The best way, I found, was talking to my friends. No, I don't mean my uncaring, overtly happy friends like Ida & Co. (lawl), I mean people who understand pain, from my level and experience. For example, Vinny, Andrej, Talia...that probably might be it, but I can talk to them about sadness, because they're my friends; they care. Hopefully, they'll counterattack my fears and not ditch me. Obviously, that is my biggest fear: people ditching me and never truly, well, loving me for being me.
I wish to ramble on, but I swear I spent two hours on this and I'm done. I might add more to this post later, if you want.
- Christine
<3
Song Suggestion: Nathicana - 1349 (anything by 1349 is brutally Satanic, but this is by far my favorite :3)
Let death take me away from my problems; everything will be over. I will float along in a limbo of absent mindedness.
These cuts symbolize my hardships and pains.
Suicide isn't an act of weakness. It is the realization of the revelation that there is nothing truly worth living for. It's basically a final, "fuck you," to everybody.
Cutting is at least better than suicide. I'm still alive; just easing my problems by letting the physical pain overcome the power of the emotional pain.
Listen: these thoughts, these opinions...are inevitably twisted.
I have lurked in the darkness before; I know what it's like.
The pain that I have experienced, might be trivial and insignificant to some, but to me...it has affected my entire life and existence. As a little child, I experienced the severity of bullying from almost everyone, the betrayal and abuse (verbally, physically, cyber, and emotionally), of my best friends, who later betrayed me and left me hanging with wretched thoughts of them. Later that year, my friend and I experienced the first few steps of an everlasting depression, a failed suicide pact, and everything involving that. We went through counselling, and everything horrible. I myself, I did some messed up things as well; I joined an online suicide club, and participated in their live meetup, lay on train tracks awaiting my destiny, and tried to kill myself. Not once, not twice, but a total of five times since then.
Thanks to this...thanks to fucking all of this. I am now, tarnished and confusing. I have become extremely antisocial; you know how many times Andrej tried to convince me to hang out with him? I just...nowadays, I don't want to become close friends with people. I'm scared that they'll one day abandon me for others and all my care, love, and friendship was a waste of years and precious minutes. I constantly lie, and constantly put things off until last second. I can never, ever truly tell anybody what I really feel, or what I really want to. I'm uncomfortable with hugging and touching; it sends alerts and signals all over my body, and not positive ones either. Things nowadays, anything really...can only make me happy for a few moments and seconds, before I go back to being my normal, depressed, antisocial, misanthropic self, while having the facade of someone who's happy, quirky, positive, optimistic, and outgoing to my parents, classmates, and even majority of my friends.
Vinny and I, we're probably and obviously still self-harming, however, I think about all of this, and do what Andrej taught me: "look at things, from two-perspectives; your own, and from an opposing person."
And you know what, I wonder now:
What the hell, was I fucking thinking?
We were meant to live, to live. Why are we trying to end that? If we were meant to die whenever we wanted, why didn't we naturally? That's why I realized that suicide is wrong. There are people, struggling for dear life in the hospital; dying from some sort of incurable illness or disease, or suffering for injuries that will eventually destroy them inside out. I realize, that as cruel as it sounds: those people are the ones who were supposed to die, not us. Just because we're suicidal, does not mean we're supposed to die, because we've yet to drop dead. We're just toppling under the weight of the world; showing our obvious signs of weakness.
When it comes to self-harm, we obviously do it because we want to rid of the emotional pain, and focus on the physical pain that will eventually heal. Look, memories will never fade; we're always going to have memories, good and bad, and they'll always stay with us; no matter what. Some people, like my friend Ida, choose to ignore them and move on with life and be happy and optimistic the whole way through. Others, like Vinny and I, are affected by the sadness and memories every day. However, we have to stop it.
If we were meant to cut and self-harm, there would be pre-cut scars all over us; ready to be reactivated, but since it's not right, there isn't. There is no peaking gaps or fine lines that say, "cut here," on our body. Our skin is what holds our insides and soul together; it was never meant to be teared open and to be peered inside. There are other ways to cope with sadness and emotion. The best way, I found, was talking to my friends. No, I don't mean my uncaring, overtly happy friends like Ida & Co. (lawl), I mean people who understand pain, from my level and experience. For example, Vinny, Andrej, Talia...that probably might be it, but I can talk to them about sadness, because they're my friends; they care. Hopefully, they'll counterattack my fears and not ditch me. Obviously, that is my biggest fear: people ditching me and never truly, well, loving me for being me.
I wish to ramble on, but I swear I spent two hours on this and I'm done. I might add more to this post later, if you want.
- Christine
<3
Song Suggestion: Nathicana - 1349 (anything by 1349 is brutally Satanic, but this is by far my favorite :3)