Fic: Bad Romance (NCIS, PG-13)
Title: Bad Romance.
Author: Prochytes.
Fandom: NCIS.
Rating: PG-13. Generous helpings of crack and some (off-screen) violence.
Characters/Pairing: Tony DiNozzo, Tim McGee.
Disclaimer: None of these people is mine. Not for profit.
Summary: Abby dates an actual vampire. This ends about as well as one would expect.
Word Count: 300 (three drabbles).
A/N: Takes a popular crossover trope and goes a bit Tarantino on it. No significant spoilers.
1. Prelude.
“Abby’s dating what?!”
”You’re the last one to be judgmental, Tony. Didn’t one of your girlfriends try to steal your kidney?”
“Completely different ball-game, probie. Who wouldn’t want a piece of this DNA? But the undead...”
“I still say you’re over-reacting.”
“You’ll speak differently when our loveable techie is a BITCH OF THE DEVIL!!! A WHORE OF DARKNESS!!!”
“That’s a terrible Vincent Price, Tony.”
“It was Anthony Hopkins.”
“Huh.”
“Anyway, it’s a non-issue. Gibbs has a Rule about the walking pulseless.”
“Gibbs has a Rule about lawyers, too.”
“Obvious witticisms aside, probie, this Rule is in the Forties.”
“Oh. Crap.”
2. Intervention.
“Tony... what is Ziva wearing?”
“Aha. That was my own little masterstroke of psychological warfare. Guaranteed to strike terror into the cold static heart of your stalkery night-walker.”
“Which element, exactly? The mini-skirt? Or the pom-poms?”
“Nosferatu fear cheerleaders. I’d expect you to know that, McHelsing.”
“Have you noticed that her Death Glare works irrespective of her hem-line?”
“I have. It must be that Mossad training.”
“She still had her Star of David, though.”
“100% effective on Jewish vampires, probie. The highest authority confirms it.”
“The Mishnah?”
“The Fearless Vampire Killers. Saddle up, Timmie. It’s time to rescue our girl.”
3. Aftermath.
“Abby doesn’t seem too cut up that Gibbs shot Romeo. In the head. With an exploding round.”
“She must have known that the relationship was going nowhere when she saw the sacrificial altar. That’s almost as bad as forgetting birthdays.”
“Do you think Ziva will ever get what’s left of Romeo’s flunkies out of her hair, Tony?”
“She enjoyed herself too much to care. Vampires are like a nicotine patch for assassins. You can kill them over again in droves without feeling bad.”
“Sweet. Who tells Gibbs where we got the wood for all those stakes?”
“Toss you for it.”
FINIS