Should Jennifer Aniston be called "selfish" for not having kids?
There are plenty of reasons why a woman might not have children. For many, it’s a choice to be childfree. Some are waiting for the right partner. Others might want to be mothers, but have had difficulties starting a family.
But the one thing many women without kids share is an awareness of constant judgment on their non-mom status. In an interview in January’s Allure, Jennifer Aniston addressed the issue head on: “I don’t like [the pressure] that people put on me, on women-that you’ve failed yourself as a female because you haven’t procreated. I don’t think it’s fair,” she said. “You may not have a child come out of your vagina, but that doesn’t mean you aren’t mothering-dogs, friends, friends’ children.”
Notkin, who describes herself as “childless by circumstance-I’m waiting for love before motherhood,” says the problem of society judging women based on their motherhood status is all too common. “There’s this myopic view that motherhood is womanhood,” Notkin says. “As if you’ve only graduated to full-fledged womanhood if you’re a mother. People will use words like selfish or self-indulgent or say things like ‘you don’t know what true love is until you’ve had a child.’ Having a baby isn’t what makes a female complete - we’re all born with the capability to make it to womanhood.”
Dr. Ellen Walker, the childfree author of Complete Without Kids: An Insider’s Guide to Childfree Living by Choice or by Chance, says the idea that women without kids are inherently selfish is ludicrous. “We give more in so many ways: environmentally - 18 billion diapers are thrown into landfills every year! - plus huge impacts on our fragile earth from every added human; taxes (childfree adults pay a larger portion of taxes despite using fewer services such as school taxes, health coverage for children, playgrounds); time given to volunteer work and helping out in the community,” she tells Yahoo Parenting. “Although I haven’t seen data on this, I know from talking to a number of childfree adults for my book that they are very involved in giving to others, simply because we have more free time.”
Despite the judgments, some women say they think the choice to not have kids is a brave one. “I respect those who know themselves well enough to know that being a mom isn’t for them,” Kari Forsee, mom to a 7-month-old son, tells Yahoo Parenting. “When you try to force or fake that maternal instinct, it shows up in your parenting.”
Notkin says that Aniston is doing other non-moms a service by speaking out. “Women need to know they’re not alone,” Notkin says. “We tend to feel ‘less than’ and it’s brave of women like Jennifer Aniston to put themselves out there. It’s very painful to have to talk so publicly about one of the most intimate aspects of her life.”
As for the “selfish” label, Notkin says it’s in the eye of the beholder. “One could be called selfish if they have more than four kids, too,” she says. “All decisions that we make about ourselves and our lives are selfish.”
And most moms would agree that sometimes, their judgment is more like envy. “Now that I have a son, I can barely remember what life was like before I was a mom. I wouldn’t change it for the world, but sometimes, I mourn the independent, ambitious, well-traveled, well-rested woman I was before giving birth,” says Forsee. “If a woman decides not to have a child, I respect that choice. It’s the ultimate commitment - you can’t divorce a child or return him to a shelter when he poops on your new rug.”
This is the best statement in the article that articulate my personal feelings about this:
As for the “selfish” label, Notkin says it’s in the eye of the beholder. “One could be called selfish if they have more than four kids, too,” she says. “All decisions that we make about ourselves and our lives are selfish.”
She is absolutely correct on this. The sad reality is that regardless what kind of choice a woman makes, it's going to be seen as her being selfish by someone. If a woman choses to have a child, she's selfish. If she choses to have more than one or whatever magic number you want to use, she's selfish. If a woman aborts a pregnancy, she's selfish. If a woman choses not to have children ever, she's selfish. If a woman choses to give her kid up for adoption, she's selfish. If a woman choses to use contraception, she's selfish. If a woman choses to get sterilized, she's selfish. If a woman choses to have sex, she's selfish. If a woman choses to abstain, she's selfish (see where this is going).
This is a classic example of "You are damned if you do, and damned if you don't". This is why it's imperative that when women make decisions regarding their personal reproductive health that they decide what they want for themselves rather than basing it off of other people's opinions because she's not going to make anyone but herself happy (yes, and that's selfish in of itself which brings me to ask "When have humans ever been 100% not selfish)
But the one thing many women without kids share is an awareness of constant judgment on their non-mom status. In an interview in January’s Allure, Jennifer Aniston addressed the issue head on: “I don’t like [the pressure] that people put on me, on women-that you’ve failed yourself as a female because you haven’t procreated. I don’t think it’s fair,” she said. “You may not have a child come out of your vagina, but that doesn’t mean you aren’t mothering-dogs, friends, friends’ children.”
Notkin, who describes herself as “childless by circumstance-I’m waiting for love before motherhood,” says the problem of society judging women based on their motherhood status is all too common. “There’s this myopic view that motherhood is womanhood,” Notkin says. “As if you’ve only graduated to full-fledged womanhood if you’re a mother. People will use words like selfish or self-indulgent or say things like ‘you don’t know what true love is until you’ve had a child.’ Having a baby isn’t what makes a female complete - we’re all born with the capability to make it to womanhood.”
Dr. Ellen Walker, the childfree author of Complete Without Kids: An Insider’s Guide to Childfree Living by Choice or by Chance, says the idea that women without kids are inherently selfish is ludicrous. “We give more in so many ways: environmentally - 18 billion diapers are thrown into landfills every year! - plus huge impacts on our fragile earth from every added human; taxes (childfree adults pay a larger portion of taxes despite using fewer services such as school taxes, health coverage for children, playgrounds); time given to volunteer work and helping out in the community,” she tells Yahoo Parenting. “Although I haven’t seen data on this, I know from talking to a number of childfree adults for my book that they are very involved in giving to others, simply because we have more free time.”
Despite the judgments, some women say they think the choice to not have kids is a brave one. “I respect those who know themselves well enough to know that being a mom isn’t for them,” Kari Forsee, mom to a 7-month-old son, tells Yahoo Parenting. “When you try to force or fake that maternal instinct, it shows up in your parenting.”
Notkin says that Aniston is doing other non-moms a service by speaking out. “Women need to know they’re not alone,” Notkin says. “We tend to feel ‘less than’ and it’s brave of women like Jennifer Aniston to put themselves out there. It’s very painful to have to talk so publicly about one of the most intimate aspects of her life.”
As for the “selfish” label, Notkin says it’s in the eye of the beholder. “One could be called selfish if they have more than four kids, too,” she says. “All decisions that we make about ourselves and our lives are selfish.”
And most moms would agree that sometimes, their judgment is more like envy. “Now that I have a son, I can barely remember what life was like before I was a mom. I wouldn’t change it for the world, but sometimes, I mourn the independent, ambitious, well-traveled, well-rested woman I was before giving birth,” says Forsee. “If a woman decides not to have a child, I respect that choice. It’s the ultimate commitment - you can’t divorce a child or return him to a shelter when he poops on your new rug.”
This is the best statement in the article that articulate my personal feelings about this:
As for the “selfish” label, Notkin says it’s in the eye of the beholder. “One could be called selfish if they have more than four kids, too,” she says. “All decisions that we make about ourselves and our lives are selfish.”
She is absolutely correct on this. The sad reality is that regardless what kind of choice a woman makes, it's going to be seen as her being selfish by someone. If a woman choses to have a child, she's selfish. If she choses to have more than one or whatever magic number you want to use, she's selfish. If a woman aborts a pregnancy, she's selfish. If a woman choses not to have children ever, she's selfish. If a woman choses to give her kid up for adoption, she's selfish. If a woman choses to use contraception, she's selfish. If a woman choses to get sterilized, she's selfish. If a woman choses to have sex, she's selfish. If a woman choses to abstain, she's selfish (see where this is going).
This is a classic example of "You are damned if you do, and damned if you don't". This is why it's imperative that when women make decisions regarding their personal reproductive health that they decide what they want for themselves rather than basing it off of other people's opinions because she's not going to make anyone but herself happy (yes, and that's selfish in of itself which brings me to ask "When have humans ever been 100% not selfish)