(no subject)
I know I shouldn't post this, and I know I'm gunna get yelled at about this later, but I think it has to be done.
I feel like such a failure. I can't control my thoughts anymore. I can't get a grip on what's real and what's fantasy. It's like the line has blurred, and I don't know whether or not I've crossed it until it's too late. "No one can control it," you'll say. Bullshit. I've been able to do it for 17 years, and now it's coming undone.
I feel like I'm failing as a boyfriend, probably more than anything. She keeps making these posts about some past love, like she's still hoping for something to spark again. I didn't want to have to say this, but it kinda hurts. Like I can't pull her out of her past into the present, possibly help her look toward the future. She's done something for me no one else could seem to. She pulled my out of my past. Remember gothic emo Paul? She chased that away. And now, when I want to be able to return the favor, I can't.
I know what'll happen next. She'll clam up, never speak of it again, and it'll eat her up inside, and I'll be even more powerless than I am right now. Hear me when I say that's the last thing I want to have happen. It's not that I don't wanna hear about it. I just wish I was able to help her move on and move forward.
She's leaving for Arizona tomorrow. 10:00am flight. I had wanted to hang out with her before she left. Didn't happen. I suppose it's my fault for being out with some friends instead of making some actual effort. They'll be here all week; she won't.
I can see she's still hurting. I can hear it in her voice. When she tells me she loves me, I truly believe her. But I feel like I'm sharing her with someone else. I don't think it's being selfish to want her to myself. Is it? Is it too much to ask? I thought that maybe we could talk it through, get it all out in the open, and move right along. Was I wrong?
If we both were to fall, face down in the dirt, and cease our moving, who would she run to first?
That's probably what I'm most worried about. What would happen on the off chance he showed some interest again? Would she drop me like a sack of potatoes and go running into his arms? They still have this connection, one I haven't been around long enough to establish with her. I love her, and I don't want to lose her. I'm just so afraid.
Bella, I'm sorry. I know this is the last thing you wanted to have to read in here. I don't want to hurt you, and I want even less to lose you.
Maybe posting this is a mistake...
I feel like such a failure. I can't control my thoughts anymore. I can't get a grip on what's real and what's fantasy. It's like the line has blurred, and I don't know whether or not I've crossed it until it's too late. "No one can control it," you'll say. Bullshit. I've been able to do it for 17 years, and now it's coming undone.
I feel like I'm failing as a boyfriend, probably more than anything. She keeps making these posts about some past love, like she's still hoping for something to spark again. I didn't want to have to say this, but it kinda hurts. Like I can't pull her out of her past into the present, possibly help her look toward the future. She's done something for me no one else could seem to. She pulled my out of my past. Remember gothic emo Paul? She chased that away. And now, when I want to be able to return the favor, I can't.
I know what'll happen next. She'll clam up, never speak of it again, and it'll eat her up inside, and I'll be even more powerless than I am right now. Hear me when I say that's the last thing I want to have happen. It's not that I don't wanna hear about it. I just wish I was able to help her move on and move forward.
She's leaving for Arizona tomorrow. 10:00am flight. I had wanted to hang out with her before she left. Didn't happen. I suppose it's my fault for being out with some friends instead of making some actual effort. They'll be here all week; she won't.
I can see she's still hurting. I can hear it in her voice. When she tells me she loves me, I truly believe her. But I feel like I'm sharing her with someone else. I don't think it's being selfish to want her to myself. Is it? Is it too much to ask? I thought that maybe we could talk it through, get it all out in the open, and move right along. Was I wrong?
If we both were to fall, face down in the dirt, and cease our moving, who would she run to first?
That's probably what I'm most worried about. What would happen on the off chance he showed some interest again? Would she drop me like a sack of potatoes and go running into his arms? They still have this connection, one I haven't been around long enough to establish with her. I love her, and I don't want to lose her. I'm just so afraid.
Bella, I'm sorry. I know this is the last thing you wanted to have to read in here. I don't want to hurt you, and I want even less to lose you.
Maybe posting this is a mistake...